<small>[ February 02, 2005, 02:28 PM: Message edited by: dzdncnfsd ]</small>

You sound like you been through the raker..do you have any children with her? And is there a age differece and jobs that you both have are different in what ways? She will have to come to terms with what she has done, being in denial is only going to destroy what love you have for her no matter what patients you have with her..When there is a action there should always be a reaction.

<small>[ February 02, 2005, 02:30 PM: Message edited by: dzdncnfsd ]</small>

Hello,

You certainly did the right thing by contacting the OM's wife. Your story is very sad because your wife deliberately tried to make you think that you were mentally sick thinking she was cheating. The fact that she went to your councilling session on jealousy and state that there was nothing to be jealous about is absolutely dispicable.
Not talking about the affair is absolutely unacceptable. She cannot refuse to talk about the fact that she betrayed you and your marriage and put your health at great risk. Not talking about it will not get to the core of the problem to deal with it so it will not happen in the future. If you both do not talk about it then it will be a matter of time before she will connect with someone else. Your story indicates that your wife has very little respect for you and your feeling and quite satisfied to make you think that you were insane. It is unbelievable that she forces you into therapy for jealously while she is cheating and lying to you about it. Maybe you should think about why you would want to stay in a marriage with someone like this that shows no remorse and is no committed to recovery. If you don't respect yourself then who will? I wish you luck.

Your wife is acting perfectly normal, or I should say like most of them do. They just want to sweep it under the rug and forget it.

Of course that will never work. There are things that need to be addressed. Then you will end up with a much better marriage.

She needs to have no contact with this man - not even work related. Otherwise her feelings for you will not come back.

Also you can make the changes that you need to make. Be sure to spend the suggested 15 hours a week doing fun things with each other.

Finally you need to make it safe for her to talk to you about the affair. That may take some time.

DZD:

I would start by installing some computer tracking software on your computer. It will tell you word by word what she is saying to the OM.
That may tell you the extent of theirn relationship. Also, get her cell phone records for the last 6 months.

It is important to find out the extent of the relationship and these two things will help expose your WW to you.

And yes, they do lie to protect their relationship at this stage of the game.
One day at a time.

TooSoon

This is very sad for you. The first step in rebuilding your marriage is for her to cut off all ties with the OM. You cannot be the only one putting in any effort. Once she admits that it took both of you to allow your marriage to fall apart, then she will see that it is going to take both of you to put in the work to fix it.

If you have not read HNHN, then you must. It will certainly make things a lot clearer for both of you.

If she is not willing to do any work, then you need to be covering your marriage in prayer. Stormie Omartian's Power of a Praying Husband is very good.

Hello, and thanks to those of you who responded.
Well, let's see. in regards to the computer and phone records. They are both company items. Her laptop not really a problem, the phone part, due to company property, the bill goes through them. But couple times I looked at history, led to the realization of the attachment. after that, it was redundant to keep checking, because I knew what I needed to know, and I am sure she would have deleted any log of her calls after I confronted her. Now she does not have much contact at all, OM only talks shop w/her now. The times that she has to work with him are hard, but, I can tell when she gets home that they do not talk non work things. I think OM has cut her out pretty good.
My biggest issues now,(besides the roller coaster of emotions) Is the lack of conversation of the events leading up to the A. The counselor says to only ask specific questions that she can answer, but, I am not sure what questions to ask. We have talked a little, and have found a few things out. She gets angry at me everytime I want to talk about it. She feels like I am just throwing things in her face. "It happened, I can't change it now, what do you want me to say" I know I have to get past it at some point, But how do I do this and not let her think I am ok with it? I know I can't change things that happened, only the things yet to happen w/ us.
I am still hurting, but, it is like she doesn't care at times. The only emotion (crying) I've seen from her is regarding her loss of work relationship with OM. Not our marriage. I don't know where I go from here. I have read 4 books, HNHN, after the affair, sex begins in the kitchen, all of which I really found helpfull, and
love must be tough, which I found totally not usefull, waste of time. Any other books helpfull please let me know. I am really hoping W will read some, but not to optomistic right now.
I am having hard time dealing w/ the sex life(yes we are trying)but I have mental issues over OM.(comparison issues) It is really affecting me.If anyone, especially men with this issue, but women also good to hear their side too. please advise.
As long as we don't breach the subject, life seems somewhat bearable. I really hate the rollercoaster, (anger, depression,betrayal etc).
She is also receptive to my hugs,and excepts my kisses,but does not initiat any on her own, nor does she say she loves me unless I say it. and then it is sometimes.
Sorry to ramble on, just, well Lost. Thanks all

dzd:

One brief thought for you to consider is this:

To have a real chance of recovery, you need to throw your pride out the window completely and accept the affair as a happening in your and her life. There are now winners, only survivors. You must look at this event as a wake-up call to changing the daily norm in your marriage.

You must learn and go forward or it doesn't have a chance. It took two to three months for my FWW to get over the loss of her BF and the immediate depression state that goes with the loss. She will continue to think of him for many many more months but as she reconnects with you, she will come to view the affair as wrong, damaging, and stupid.

Any contact at work will set back your rebuilding period. It took my FWW 90 days to quit her job, under duress, but it took that to break the affair completely. It hurt us financially and in many other ways.

The undoing of the affair and the feelings are painful and long but it can be done. We are 9 months post NC and one year post D-Day. I can tell you the love rebounds, the trust comes back, and normalcy settles in. It is not the same due to all the betrayal and lies, but it is getting better all the time.

Good luck.

TooSoon

something I forgot to mention on my last post is the fact that she is looking for a new job. As lame as it sounds, we are not in a position for her to be without a job. The contact with OM, although to much is very low, (2 times since dday)
all in a group of people(no 1on1). I know nc means nc. but with the kids, work is a must for us.
It is so hard to be up all the time and act like nothing happened. I admit to all my fault/neglect,I just get no admission or reaction on w side.

I understand there are some economic factors at stake but the quicker she finds a job, the better off your marriage will be. My long term, conservative, & Christian wife was lying to me almost everyday for many months. I would have never believed she would lie like she did, but she did it anyway. The point is your wife may have more contact than what she is even telling you because she doesn't want the loving feelings to go away. It depends on the connection they have with each other though. My wife admitted to her affair and came right out and told me she fell in love with another man after I confronted her about suspicious cell phone bills.

Remain as calm as possible, but be insistant she leave her job. These EA's are created slowly and the players feel a real sense of love for each other. It is usually the same loving feelings she had for you when you two first fell in love with each other. It is very hard to break this love even though the love was built on fantasy and not reality.

TooSoon

Since she gets very upset when you try to talk about her affair, you may want to consider using an indirect approach like writting her a letter explaining that while you can't force her to talk about the affair, that sweeping it under the rug is not going to make the marriage or you any safer. Be blunt and tell her that your trust in her has been shattered and that her unwillingness to try to rebuild the marriage through the reading of books on the subject and attending counseling with a pro-marriage professional, is NOT helping you and that if this continues your love for her will die and with it the marriage. End the letter stating that you will be available for her if and when she is finally ready to address and resolve the issue. Give her the letter and express that she read it when she is by herself. Go about business as usual and do not speak to her about the issue anymore unless she initiates a talk regarding it.

The point is that you warn her ONCE about the most likely outcome and that it is in her hands whether or not it comes to pass. Are you ready to do that?

TMCM

Something that I don't think I've seen anyone point out to you yet...if it's only been about a month since the affair has come out, and NC hasn't fully been established, it's very likely that your wife is still caught up in the "addiction" to the OM. And while she's in that, there is no way that she will be willing to work out your marriage. She's still got the "fog" as I've heard it called here...

Give it time friend...it's very likely that once NC is established, and you've kept up with "Plan A", then she'll come around and start working on your marriage.

Good luck!

<small>[ February 02, 2005, 02:38 PM: Message edited by: dzdncnfsd ]</small>

Why don't write a rough draft and post it here for a critique before you give it to her?

TMCM

dzd:

Since there has been sex involved, women generally are or become very connected to their lover and more than men do. I say NC is absolutely crucial to the saving of your marriage. If she is unwilling to leave, you may have to expose the affair to others. As long as you leave her in her job, you are enabling the affair to continue, similar to the spouse of an alcoholic who allows the alcoholic to drink.

You are in a tough position as I was but it can be broken but it is a slow, tedious, and painful process. Try and nip it in the bud quickly and get her away from the OM ASAP.

TooSoon

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 05:19 PM: Message edited by: TooSoonToBeComfortable ]</small>

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 09:15 PM: Message edited by: dzdncnfsd ]</small>

<small>[ February 02, 2005, 02:42 PM: Message edited by: dzdncnfsd ]</small>