Not sure what to say. I have been married for almost 13 years, I'm 31 with 2 kids ages 11 & 12, both boys. I just found out that he's had several affairs. Bad thing is this all started within the first 2 years of marriage and I didn't know it.

He was stationed in Korea back from 94-95. This is where it all started. He actaully had sex with about 6 different women. Then when we moved back home in 96. A year after that he slept with my best friend....which she denies. Then the summer of 03, he went out of town and picked up some girl at a bar and selpt with her. Just recently he started messing around with a women I had just become friends with. We would have parties at different places. One night we got into a fight and I thought he just went outside. Well, about a half hour later I looked outside and his truck was gone. So, I got dressed and went looking for him. I went past his moms then I started thinking about a situation that happened earlier so I went to drive by my "friends" house to make sure she was ok. Well I didn't see anything out of the norm until I drove past her house and say his truck. I put the car in reverse and went into her driveway. Got out of the car and went to the door. No one answered. As I started to walk back to my car I see him coming around from the back of the house. I followed him home and we started to argue. He said the only reason he went there is cause that was the last place we were. Well, come to find out much later he went over there to have sex with her. After several weeks of him denying the whole thing and why he went over there I started counseling. Even my counselor told me that it sounded like he was messing around with her.

One night, after him drinking, he told me about everything. I have no idea what caused him to tell me he just did. I guess it just made him feel better. Well, I got so upset I went driving around. I called my "friend" and confronted her about it and she denied it just kept telling me that she would never do anything to hurt our friendship. I didn't believe her so I called another friend of mine who told me that it's been going on since almost the first time he met her. How could I be so stupid not to notice.

Anyhow, he stayed at the house for about 2 weeks. Things got so bad that I actaully tried comitting suicide. Which as you can tell didn't work. When I was in the hospital his mom and best friend helped him move out. The day I got home he told me he was going to talk to an attorney. I have never felt so lost in my life.

After that he still came over all the time to help the kids with homework. We argued almost every time we say each other. After a month and a half we stopped arguing and started talking. He never filed for divorce. One night I just couldn't take the stress anymore and told him that he needed to decide what he wanted. Well, he decided that he wanted to try and make things work so he moved back in.

I'm not sure what to think at this point. Part of me wanted him to move back in and the other part of me just wanted him to say he was going to file. For the first week it was ok then things starting going down hill again because he wanted to go out of town with his friends, which I was ok with. The week of the trip I changed my mind and didn't want him to go. I don't trust him and I don't trust his friends.

He went anyway. He left on Friday and is due back tomorrow. We have done nothing but fight since he's been gone. Last night I called to tell him goodnight and that I loved him. The person who answered the phone told me that he just went to bed. I asked that he to wake him up so I could talk to him. The person said no and hung up on me. I just sat there and cried. My girlfriend waited a couple of minutes then called the number back from a different phone. That person woke up my husband so she could talk to him. Sad thing is, is that person had no idea who she was but yet he woke up my husband so she could talk to him. How messed up is that? He would wake him up for a woman he didn't know but wouldn't for me? The trip started out only going for 3 days to going for 4. Leaving to go up at 8 to leaving at 4:30. From leaving for home at 4:00 to now he's not sure.... just that he didn't want to get home to late. I never told him he couldn't go, just expressed my fellings that I didn't want him to go.

I feel like my mind never shuts down. I don't know what to think or how to feel. I'm so frustarted with him because I don't trust him. He says that if I don't start having trust in him that he's going to walk. Well, after hearing that a few times I pretty much told him not to let the door hit him in the [censored] on his way out. He didn't like that to much. Has has stopped saying it.

Aaarrggghhh....someone just tell me what I'm suppose to do!!

bikermama,

I don't know why no one has posted a reply to you yet, but I'll through you a suggestion.

Get yourself into counseling ASAP. Then get the two of you in counseling ASAP. There are many things going on here that need to be brought under control first before you attempt to reconnect on any level. Lots of anger, anger, anger. Reconnnecting when this much anger is involved is near impossible. Get back to lower levels first and foremost.

You won't be able to get anywhere with this person until you get these emotions (both yours and his) under control.

Your H sounds like someone who is really scared and has started down a very self destructive path that leads to many types of addiction. Get into counseling immediately!

My heart is with you. Hang in there and get professionals involved soon!

You need to take care of yourself; you need to be strong for whatever actions you need to take. You could do everything right and still the reconciliation might not work out if your spouse is not willing to do everything in their power to set things right within your marriage. Maintain your dignity, because that may be the only thing you have left at the end of the day.
I know you're scared and afraid to be vulnerable but in my opinion, if you love someone; you are already vulnerable to that person. That's why we are hurt so badly by the people we love the most. That's also why that same person can just look at us and say something nice and our hearts beat a mile a minute. We respond to the people we love. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />


I posted this for another women here.. But in you case.. I do believe he wants his cake and eat it too..
Some marriages can be saved..Some don't need to be saved...the only Way to make it real is find out from him..if he wants to make it work.. First slip up... Kick him out.. and loose the keys.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
The former cheating spouse has the biggest responsibility in the healing process. They hold the key for the healing of you and your marriage.
Your spouse must be willing to make it their mission in life to heal you...no matter how long it takes. They should not have to even ask you what you need to help you heal...they should seek professional advice from others and start implementing it immediately. Maybe down the road they will need to seek your own personal advice. You hold the timeline to your own healing.
In order for your marriage to successfully survive these are some things that your spouse must do:
1. He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
3. He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. He must feel your pain.
6. He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.
10. He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
11. He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.
12. He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.
13. He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.
14. He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.
15. He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.
16. He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.
17. He must be willing to seek counseling.
18. He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Here is a list of things that you must do:
1. Give him the necessary time to prove his love and commitment to you.
2. Be open with your feelings.
3. Ask the questions that are important to you.
4. Don't be afraid that you will drive him away while you are trying to heal.
5. Stop blaming yourself for his actions. You are in no way responsible...even if you are Attila the Hun!
6. You must be able to let him connect with you. (this one takes time)
7. You must continue checking up on him in order to let him rebuild trust.
8. You must be willing to seek counseling so that you do not get stuck in one of the stages of recovery such as anger or depression.
These are just a few of the things that I have thought of off the top of my head. With these things in place, then reconciliation can be successful. It is still a long journey, but with baby steps it can be achieved.

You need to take care of yourself; you need to be strong for whatever actions you need to take. You could do everything right and still the reconciliation might not work out if your spouse is not willing to do everything in their power to set things right within your marriage. Maintain your dignity, because that may be the only thing you have left at the end of the day.
I know you're scared and afraid to be vulnerable but in my opinion, if you love someone; you are already vulnerable to that person. That's why we are hurt so badly by the people we love the most. That's also why that same person can just look at us and say something nice and our hearts beat a mile a minute. We respond to the people we love. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />


I posted this for another women here.. But in you case.. I do believe he wants his cake and eat it too..
Some marriages can be saved..Some don't need to be saved...the only Way to make it real is find out from him..if he wants to make it work.. First slip up... Kick him out.. and loose the keys.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
The former cheating spouse has the biggest responsibility in the healing process. They hold the key for the healing of you and your marriage.
Your spouse must be willing to make it their mission in life to heal you...no matter how long it takes. They should not have to even ask you what you need to help you heal...they should seek professional advice from others and start implementing it immediately. Maybe down the road they will need to seek your own personal advice. You hold the timeline to your own healing.
In order for your marriage to successfully survive these are some things that your spouse must do:
1. He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
3. He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. He must feel your pain.
6. He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.
10. He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
11. He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.
12. He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.
13. He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.
14. He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.
15. He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.
16. He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.
17. He must be willing to seek counseling.
18. He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Here is a list of things that you must do:
1. Give him the necessary time to prove his love and commitment to you.
2. Be open with your feelings.
3. Ask the questions that are important to you.
4. Don't be afraid that you will drive him away while you are trying to heal.
5. Stop blaming yourself for his actions. You are in no way responsible...even if you are Attila the Hun!
6. You must be able to let him connect with you. (this one takes time)
7. You must continue checking up on him in order to let him rebuild trust.
8. You must be willing to seek counseling so that you do not get stuck in one of the stages of recovery such as anger or depression.
These are just a few of the things that I have thought of off the top of my head. With these things in place, then reconciliation can be successful. It is still a long journey, but with baby steps it can be achieved.