I found out on Dec. 10, 2004 that my W was having an affair. The week before we were having problems, she said that she really never loved me and that she only married me cause she felt pressured and that she only thought she married me. On Dec. 10th, I came home early from work to find her in bed with another man. Not only was it another man but it was our Pastor. They said it had been only going on for about a week and a half. After I found out I moved out for about a week. When I came back on Dec. 17th she said that she wanted to go to counseling. I thought that was a good sign, I thought she wanted to stay and fix the marriage. I couldn't get an appointment with a counselor until after the holidays. And during this time she was still talking to the OM (our Pastor). She said she would stop talking to him once counseling started. Also during this time she told me that she wasn't going to counseling to fix the marriage but to figure out if she still wan't to be married to me. She has also been very cold, mean and angry with me, which I don't understand. She also gets mad at me for making her feel like I am checking up on her, which I really don't understand.
In our first counseling session she re-iterates the same thing to the counselor, that we should have never been married in the first place. She says that the only reason that she hasn't gone through with filing for divorce is that she is afraid of being alone. So I suggested we seperate for awhile but she says no, cause that would only prove to her that she was afaid to be alone, which I don't understand. I would think she would know the difference between being afraid of being alone or if she really missed me.
I don't believe that she never loved me. I tell her that she fells this way because I neglected here for the last year and a half. But she insists that is not the case. Just this past weekend she has been nicer to me, but she has also asked me to move out for awhile. She also asked if she file for divorce and she changed her mind would I take her back.

Please help, should I still have hope in saving our marriage or should I see a lawyer.

Runner,

Ok here is the drill. First do some homework. Read the articles on this site and learn about needs, Love Busters, plan A, plan B. Then start to plan A her. Part of plan A is to meet the needs of her's she will allow you to meet. The next part is to avoid ALL love busters. Another component that is quite painful but really necessary is to expose the Affair. Since OM is a Pastor his church should know of the affair NOW. So should his W.

Affairs do not flourish in the light of day and you need to shine a light on this A. Your W will go ballistic, she will threaten divorce, she will curse at you and treat you poorly, BUT... the affair will suffer and you will very likely have a chance to save the marriage.

Further since OM is a Pastor, you need to protect your church and the community from this man. Pastors are accorded a position of respect and trust thus making it easy for them to take advantage of a person that is hurting. YOu need to stop this man NOW.

IN the meantime reflect on your marriage and how you have treated your W and your relationship. I f you see areas that could use improvement do your best to start improving.

There is a LOT that you can do here, and a LOT to learn so get with it, and the folks here will help you. This marriage can be salvaged. There are no guarentees, and it is not for wimps. So if you want to work on it, put on your hardhat and come on. You have help.

God Bless,

JL

I have already told the church and her parents know. I didn't go to them and tell them they actually confronted me about it. They somehow knew something was going on. I have read all the articles on the website.

I just don't understand why she gets so angry with me. I don't understand why she wants to go to counseling when she says that we should have never been married. She said in counseling that the other reason why she doesn't want a divorce is that God wouldn't want that. God also doesn't want you to commit adultery either but you did that. It's only been a month and a half since I found out but I am thinking about moving out. Do you think that is a good idea?

I don't have many answers since I am new to this whole betrayed spouse thing myself, but I can tell you what YOU are feeling is perfectly normal. It has also been a little over a month for me, and some days I feel like leaving, too. Sometimes I wish God would help me stop loving my H, so that I could move on with more ease. However, I also know I could not be true to myself if I did not try to make things work, because I gave a promise before God and everyone, and I have children who need both a mommy and a daddy. I think counceling will help you, and as you've heard, you need to be strong and keep at it.
I wouldn't look for a divorce lawyer until you have tried absolutley everything in your mind. Plus, you probably not make any decsions for at least 3 months. The initial shock can last that long. Give yourself a little time to sort out what YOU want.

True

Oh, and about the anger thing, my H gets angry at me, too. And he wants to do everything he can to work it out, so please be patient.

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 02:05 PM: Message edited by: truetoself ]</small>

Heck Runner,

You know the answer don't you? You took her toy away from her, and "it is all your fault that she is not happy." It is childish, it is avoiding reality, it is illogical, and around here it is called "THE FOG". She is in it very deep.

There is a very apt analogy used here because there is a close connection. She was addicted to OM, and now she is like a drug user in withdrawal. Hence Harley (who did drug counseling for years as well) refers to this period as withdrawal, and while she is in this YOU CANNOT WIN. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> So step back, plan A and give it some time. How long was her affair? The physical part MAY have only been going on for a week or so, but I am betting the emotional part went on for much longer. You will learn that while the physical part may turn your stomack, the emotionall part is the hardest to deal with.

Wayward Spouses, WS's, while in the affair or in withdrawal will rewrite history. They have to to justify doing what they KNOW is morally wrong and very hurtful to their spouses. Further they reason that if they did this, then it must be true that the marriage was a mistake, because no one would do this to someone they love. WRONG, but it is the "fog".

I do hope your Pastor has been dismissed from his position. He needs to be defrocked for this. Further, I hope that your W will seek counseling. Her anger will last for awhile yet.

You do realize that anger is a secondary emotion driven by primary ones such as: fear, frustration, anxiety, pain, etc. She is probably feeling many of these things and she can only express them as anger right now. Eventually, she will be more able to express herself and I doubt you will be the point of focus.

She won't be very proud that you found them in bed together. She won't be very proud about what she did to OM"s family, career, etc. She won't be very proud of how she has treated you. So right now she will deny it, and she will miss the OM, hence the withdrawal.

Runner, she is in a lot of pain, and in someways worse than yours because her's is self-inflicted and goes to the very core of her beliefs. So give this time, keep posting and I hope you can find a really good promarriage counselor.

God Bless,

JL

PS: You are very normal and feeling very normal for this stage of things. Read the other stories here and you will see how common most of these things really are.

runner,

Your reactions are completely normal. Swallow whatever reactions you may want to act on right now and try to just absorb life right now. Do whatever it takes to stay cool.

Acting on what comes out of her mouth is not adviseable. Everyone's right. She's in a lot of pain. Empathy (for her), however extremely difficult it is to show and feel, is really important for you to get her back on your logical level. Any and all agressive gestures on your part (I know it's hard to swallow them, been there) will only make coming back together that much tougher.

Read as many stories on this website as you can. You are NOT alone. We've all been there and are all on very different but parallel paths.

Runner, I can't add a lot more to what's been said here - but I can assure you that I know how you feel. Ever since I confronted my wife with her affair, she has been a very strange person. One minute she wants to go to a councelor, the next minute she wants a divorce. I've been called every name in the book, blamed for every ill that has ever befallen mankind, have been labled abusive, controlling, been told that she has never loved me, that she likes me but doesn't love me, you name it.

It's the FOG, and everyone advises me that it will pass. In the meantime, I'm working on learning what makes her happy, and what I do that hurts her, I'm applying the one and getting rid of the other, as much as I can, as much as she'll allow.

She's confused, ashamed, angry, sad, frightened. And I love her.

All you can do right now is work on yourself - improve yourself, make yourself the man she can love - and let God work the rest. WHatever you do, don't pressure her.

Someone passed this on to me earlier today: check it out:

Plan A Tips and Musing

David

Just one more thing: It can be VERY hard to give love in exchange for the hate you receive. Takes perserverance, and don't be too hard on yourself if you mess up on occaision. I've been harder on myself than she has been, and all because I've opened my big mouth when it shouldn't have, etc. But those things happen, and you just have to keep on doing the right thing the next time, and the time after that, etc.....

Hello,

What an awful story. This is just my thought but your wife not only had an affair with her pastor but made it a point to have sex with him in your home and in your bed where you found them. I think this is the ultimate in disrespect and humiliation to you. Your home and bed should be the ultimate sanctuary in your life. I just don't know how you could possibly sleep in your bed now. Did your wife want you to catch her? I can only assume she wanted to hurt you in the worst possible way. She does not sound remorseful in the least and stays in contact with the OM. I guess what I am asking is why would you want to stay with such a person that seems to enjoy humiliating and disrespecting you in the worst possible way. You deserve better than this.

runner,

Please get ahold of Dr Willard Harley's books 'Surviving An Affair', 'Love Busters', and 'His Needs Her Needs' as well as Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder'. Please also consider reading the following links as well: 7 Tactics To [b]Use[/b] During an Affair; 12 Tactics To [b]Avoid[/b] During An Affair; and Michelle Weiner Davis's Divorce Busting 180 Degree List.

While you can't control your WW's behavior, your behavior certainly does have a powerful influence over it.

TMCM

Runner,

You have received very good advice. May I add my 50 cents worth:

I am against moving out/seperation. Seperating causes its own stressors. This is your home, too. Why should you leave? If she wants to go, you cannot stop her, but I think nothing should happen - with regard to seperation - for at least 6 months.

R -
I just thought of this:

The bed has to go. It is now a symbol of her infidelity. I would call 1-800-mattress, or whatever, and order a new one, tell her or not, your choice, and have the delivery scheduled when she's present. Tell her exactly why you're changing the mattress.

When she's LB-ing you, blaming you for the A, remind her calmly that while you are responsible for your actions in the M that mde it vulnerable to the A happening, she had the A, not you.

I was just wondering, what if what she says is true that we should have never been married in the first place. I gave her the book Surviving an Affair the other day and she says nothing in the book applies to our situation. Is that just the fog talking or does she really mean it. She just tells me that she's not in love with me and that she never was. I tell her that the reason she fell like that is cause I neglected her for the last year and she says that's not either. I guess I just want this nightmare to end.

Runner,

I think 'We never should have been M in the first place', 'I love you, but not in love w/you, and 'I M you b/c I didn't know what else to do' are three of the most common Fog Phrases. There is a thread on Fog Talk some where on the boards.

I know how hard this is, but please, please ignore her when she says these things.

She is sick right now. Remember 'in sickness and in health'? Well, this is it. She needs you more than ever right now. Be there for her. She is lucky to have you.

Blessings.