Found out last week that my W was having a 9 mo affair w/ an OM that we both know. Pieced it together and she finally admitted it. She admitted to being in love w/ him but says she loves me more. She's fully addicted to the relationship - talked multiple times per day, saw each other every week or two for lunch; claims sex was approx 6 times but I don't know. She's trying to go cold turkey. I want to stay w/ here but can't tolerate a relapse. We just stated therapy but, since I'm in the service, I have to head out again on my ship soon and be gone for the next 7 weeks. Another twist - I'm a "geo-bachelor" when I'm not out on the ship (it's in approx 6-8 wks, then out 6-8 wks), meaning I stay 4 hours away in the ship's homeport during the work week and am home on weekends (Thur - Sun). We did this so we wouldn't have to move again. I'm worried she won't be strong enough to end it with OM - any advice? Since it's the military, no going isn't an option.

BS - 40 (mil officer)
WS - 37
M - 14 yrs, w/ 2 great kids

I hear ya. It's tough to trust again. I just found out about my wife's A about a week ago. Thankfully, the affair only lasted a month and half. Not trying to say that is good, but it makes me feel better I guess.

My wife is totally back with me at present, and the good thing is she has stated she can't stand the guy she cheated on me with. He treated her like dirt, but I was not showing her any attention and the OM did everything I wasn't.

All you can do is try. I am in MC too, and it is working good so far.

Good luck with everything.

I beleive that you need to create an environment where she will feel emotionally safe in opening up to you and express her deepest thoughts and feelings [true intimacy]. That can only happen if you avoid all love busters [angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements]. You also must make the committment to invest time alone with your W to reconnect as a couple otherwise the two of you are nothing more than glorified babysitters for your kids. It won't be easy but you may not only save your marriage but have a better one pre-A IF you make the committment to do everything in your power to follow the principles outlined by Dr Willard Harley Jr in his books 'His Needs Her Needs', 'Love Busters' and 'Surviving An Affair'.

TMCM

CoffeeMan - Thanks for the advice and the links. I have been able to control myself and avoid LBs. I'm trying hard to take the high road, though I have asked repeated questions about why, where & when - probably not helpful to either of us. She wants to call him for "closure", I say not to but she may anyway.

NW

being in the military myself I can understand the difficulty of being away more then not.
The MB guideslines and rules so to speak are not always adequate to the task in my view in such situations WITHOUT the solid backing of a expert like the Harleys or a marriage coach from saveyourmarriage.com or similar who have the knowledge & experience to advise you move by move fitting into the circumstances where you are absent so long.
Thats why I do hesitate to advise in such situations... it can be very dicey.

A MC who is aware of the system & how it works....even in Aus good MC have extremely similar systems because it works. The MC/IC my wife & I go to, well wife mainly I've been slacking off, has a similar philosophy and many many years of experience..... mostly it works BUT the bottom line is both jave to commit to the M and working on it.

So I do suggest you get assistance from a MC knowledgeable in this system and urgently work on basics right away.

One thing, you're so right, she must commit to no contact - NC - FOREVER!!
That means nada, none, nil, no close off, NOTHING, as that will start it off again. Even if she runs into him in the street etc she must not acknowledge him & tell you asap.

My own opinion with military personal who are O/S a lot of the time due to duty, often hazardous duty, during this time, is that things like NC and MC are deal breakers........ someone on active duty cannot afford to have their mind on other things like their wife's affair...... it gets their mates hurt. But please understand this is just my own personal opinion, what I feel, others experience and knowledge will certainly differ.

So in short with being away so often I really really suggest you get help perhaps from Steve Harley himself if you can afford it..... you do that via contacting the counselling areas on this website on a shortcut above. No guarantees of course but better then being blown around in the wind

However for the venting and general questions and support this place is great

All the best.

<small>[ January 26, 2005, 08:02 AM: Message edited by: aussie2 ]</small>

NW

I am sorry you find yourself here. I am a military wife. My spouse was also a geobachlor when we had difficulties because of inappropriate behavior on his part a possible EA. No concrete proof.

I want to thank you for your service as I understand the sacrifices made. I don't know you and your wife's relationship but I do know what it feels like to be a wife with the husband constantly gone and especially a geo bach for however long it may be. THese are just thoughts that are popping into my head and I dont know if they will help. I know for myself I try to be very strong and don't express my feelings or needs to my husband so that he can do his job and do it to the best of his ability. This brings an incredible lonliness. This causes us to be very vulnerable. IF we do not realize that we are then we cannot take the steps to protect ourselves. I know that I am therefor I hold all men at arms lengths including a single neighbor who when he comes over we stand outside to talk and we dont' engage in personal discusions. There are also men out there who see women who are vulnerable an act on it. I do not know if you do this but I wish my husband would let me know without a doubt how much he loves and misses me through action not talk. I am not sure how much longer you have for geo bach but if it is for a length of time I would move her to where you are. Because no matter what trying to keep them where they are for stability is not worth the risk of losing the marriage than what stability does anyone have. I don't know if any of this makes sense or helps. Just some thoughts from a military wife who loves her husband very much but is also very lonely.

Also if you go to the General questions page a put a call out for Mortarman he can help you. He was also military when his wife had an affair. He will help you through this.

God Bless you and your family.

NW
I hope you don't think I was making excuses for your wife's behavior. I was trying to give you some thoughts on being a military wife.

Trying2 - Geobach is very tough on both parties. I'm 6 mo into a 2 year job, back when we discussed asking for the job and agreeing it was OK I thought we were OK w/ it but now I regret it. We're talking about moving, which would make me happier.
She called the OM yesterday for "closure". She said she wanted to know his intentions - said he's try working it out w/ his wife and honor my req to stay away (yea, thanks for the favor). Anyway, she said she over-estimated his feeling for her and underestimated my feelings for her (in a big way). She's now a love-sick pup.
I think you're doing the right thing keeping other men at arms length. Men and women can't be friends (name the movie), esp when there's a vulnerability there. I'd recommend talking to your H alot, express your feelings, if he cares, he probably wants to know. My W shut down on me, and I did try to re-open her w/out success. Shutting down is the first step towards an A.
Thanks and bless you too, the mil wife's job is tough, I've always known and appreciated that.

Does the OM wife know? Maybe she should know so that she can "keep and eye" on her H while you are away. Blows the whole affair out of the water.

No way,

I agree with NJ that the OM wife needs to know about this if she doesn't already.

I really hope you guys move so that you can work on the marriage and build and grow together the days you are in. It seems like there is not enough time to work on marriages as just when you get started one of the spouses has to leave. Living closer would allow you guys those precious moments to work on it. I wish I had other words of wisdom for you but I don't. Please reach out to mortarman on GQ he has been where you are. I will pray for you and your wife.

Thank you for you suggestion. I've already closed off to my husband and am trying to open back up. His career comes before us, which led to the geo bach which led to him spending time with another female and putting her feelings ahead of mine. Don't know the depth of the relationship, they are not longer around each other. He is trying, but I no longer feel safe with him. He isn't home enough to really work on us. I know he loves me now.

Take care of yourself. Move over to the GQ board there are wonderful people over there.

No way.

Come over to the GQ board because there are a lot more people there.

Quick question. I am not familiar with Navy procedures. I was Army. I just retired from the Army last June due to my wife's affair on my last deployment, and I needed to be here to protect my kids and/or save my marriage.

But my questions is...do you have something like the Army's Inspector General? I am asking because I was an IG for 4 years and dealt with this all of the time. And believe me, we investigated these things...and especially cheating officers, were reprimanded severely. They were also ordered by the commanding general to cease ALL contact with the OP. And if they didnt, then they would also be guilty of disobeying a direct order.

So, if you have proof, and there is an IG in the Navy, I say drop this on their desk and have OM to be investigated. This is exposure. Dr. Harley is big on this.

But as a fellow servicemember, I also have a vested interest in protecting our fellow servicemembers. And the basis of our service is duty, honor and country. And any guy that would sleep with another man's wife, or cheat on his own wife, is NOT honorable. And needs to be at least, reprimanded. And at best, needs to be put out of the military.

It shows a lack of honor and character. It shows no restraint. All of these things are nice in society. They are ABSOLUTELY necessary in our line of work.

So, move over to GQII and I hope we can help.

In His arms.

Mortarman, Thanks for the reply and I will go to the GQ section. Unfortunately the OP retired after 20 years last April and isn't under the UCMJ. He was a friend of both of ours (more so w/ my wife since they had common professinal interests). From what my wife told me, the the spark of the affair started at seeing each other at the retirement (I was there too and didn't pick up anything), then quickly grew into phone calls, lunches and etc. She called him yesterday for "closure" (against my desires) but don't belieive she got it, sounds like it was left open-ended. I believe she loves me but isn't strong enough to have NC w/ him while I'm gone, leaving in 2 weeks. Not good at all.
NW

Your not alone. I'm mil on a 2 yr tour w/10 mo left. My wife had a EA starting 2 mo after I left with my best friend from the war. I fought against the 3 (her, him, and his wife) for 8 mo. After all they were just friends. She called him her girl friend. His wife wouldn't see how all the lies and sneeking around were wrong so she incouraged them. If you love her keep trying. She has told you alot as my wife has told me. I understand there was probibly lies and denial at first but it sounds as if your wife wants to correct it. I convinced my W to go threw the His Needs Her Needs book chapter by capter with me over hotmail and messanger. I agree your wife should cut of ALL contact with him. So to not make thing worse for me I let my wife know my feelings about her contacting him but I don't make rules. I have been working on showing her love and understanding. I know my wife still has contact and I think it is bad and desrespectfull. Can you name the country your in? I'm in Germany. I used the govt. computers and played email tag with my wife untill I got my own internet service. I hope your wife is spending time talking to you. Try to get her to tell you about her day and the problems she is having. You might not be able to salve them but listening helps. It got so bad for me that I would only get one email a day and it would only have two or three lines. She was talking and building up a relationship with him and not me. You have to turn that around and communicate with your wife as much as possible. Good luck my prayers are with you.