I put my first note out here in November under just found out and much has happened since then.

My H never stopped talking, e-mailing her or seeing – I know “surprise” to all of you but I trusted that he did and boy was I a fool. He left again in November and returned home again making the claim to be in it . In early December about two weeks later he again decided that he needed to leave and he did and after many hours of talking and the day he was to sign the lease on his apartment he said good by to her and came home to work on us. He made a lot of promises and I told him it could not be for 2 weeks like it had been so many times before he acknowledged that and was committed to me to us and to our son.

He knew what it meant – he knew he was never to talk to her he was not to see or communicate ever again with her and he told both of our families he was back for the long haul and for the first time they felt he was here. I asked him how he felt about his decision and he said “Happy” something I had not heard in a long time. He wrote her a letter and it came back unread. He wrote our families and told them he couldn’t change the past but could make the future and he still loved me and was committed for the long haul to making us work. But as with many of you this was short lived on Monday two days later she called and e-mailed him and of course told him how terrible he was for staying and how he loved her and how I could never make him happy. He picked up the phone, e-mailed her and never stopped but I did not know. Just after Christmas he announces that she called him the week prior – needless to say this went against our agreement and I was ticked but I took a deep breath and said OK how do we not let this happen again. He said it got worse – and I was not prepared for the announcement that she was pregnant.

Ouch! OK I was committed for the long haul he did not want the baby and I figured I had to accept this and deal with him having a relationship with the baby in the future. She apparently did not know what she wanted to do with the baby. Well he said he was in it for the long haul with me and so together we would face this. The next morning we called her to see how the Dr. appointment went and to see what she was going to do. He was nervous to get on the phone I asked him if he was worried I’d find out something I did not know – he said “NO”. Well the strained conversation led to the series of lies that he had not stopped talking to her and somewhere on the phone she said I am giving us so much ( married with 2 children) and my husband says to her “I Love you and I am giving up a lot too I am giving up my wife and my son” and there we were now headed down another road.

We proceeded to pack up our life and move him so he could be on with his life. We said he was in no hurry to get a divorce and still does not take of f his wedding ring and for some strange reason now signs his e-mail “your husband”. I have tried not to respond to his e-mails and calls for the past week and it has been difficult. I cannot avoid all contact as we have a son and he has visitation every two weeks. Can anyone help. How do you turn the video camera in your mind off that re-plays how stupid you were and how they were together. I have had the unfortunate/fortunate opportunity to see the e-mails. The relationship is about SEX and the feeling of feeling needed. We were partners I was not the needy one. She needs his emotional support not to mention his financial support. Also why is it that he lasts two days without talking to her or e-mailing her and he doesn’t seem to be bothered by not calling or e-mailing me like that I suppose 12 years doesn’t mean a damn thing. We had a pretty good relationship before this at least I thought later finding out there were things he told her he never told me why couldn’t he have told me what he needed? I feel like such a fool, stupid and at times worthless and a failure.

Why after all he has said, and done do I still love him? He does not appear to be happy but somber and quite these days when he is around us and at work. I suspect he is delighted when he is with her.

If (big if) ever he were to decide to come back I have so many questions for those of you who have been through plan b. How do people have a relationship when the trust has been broken so many times. How do you accept you being the boobie prize when thing did not work out – being second? How do you sleep with them and not feel like you are being compared with the lover? Does the relationship really get better I know from what I read that it can be better but is the time invested worth it. Why do I hold on why can I not just accept he has chosen her and I am now a single mom who is to raise our son alone and I need to move on. Maybe it all takes time – the counselor does not seem to work either however he did send me to this site!

I have having a really hard time, and when I had to ask for help for the first time it about killed me. How do people make it through this. Are there books out there that help regain who you were – I allowed him to destroy me as he made me out to be some monster I wasn’t. I am searching for help and am sorry this is so long!

Infidelity changes who you are forever. It robs you of your past, it makes your present excruciatingly unbearable and it makes your future look hopeless. It strips you of your self esteem and your self worth. It leaves you naked, vulnerable, and alone.
Infidelity is truly Hell on Earth. Your mind is tormented every second of every day with the images and the movies that it conjures up. You can't get it too stop. The only respite that you have is sleep and even then, there are times when you have dreams about it and wake up crying.
You spend each day just trying to survive. Sometimes the pain is so intense that you pray for death...
You feel lost. You feel unanchored. You feel alone.
So many questions...so many secrets...so many lies...
The former cheating spouse has the biggest responsibility in the healing process. They hold the key for the healing of you and your marriage.
Your spouse must be willing to make it their mission in life to heal you...no matter how long it takes. They should not have to even ask you what you need to help you heal...they should seek professional advice from others and start implementing it immediately. Maybe down the road they will need to seek your own personal advice. You hold the timeline to your own healing.
In order for your marriage to successfully survive these are some things that your spouse must do:
1. He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. He must feel your pain.
6. He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.
10. He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
11. He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.
12. He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.
13. He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.
14. He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.
15. He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.
16. He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.
17. He must be willing to seek counseling.
18. He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.
Here is a list of things that you must do:
1. Give him the necessary time to prove his love and commitment to you.
2. Be open with your feelings.
3. Ask the questions that are important to you.
4. Don't be afraid that you will drive him away while you are trying to heal.
5. Stop blaming yourself for his actions. You are in no way responsible...even if you are Attila the Hun!
6. You must be able to let him connect with you. (this one takes time)
7. You must continue checking up on him in order to let him rebuild trust.
8. You must be willing to seek counseling so that you do not get stuck in one of the stages of recovery such as anger or depression.
These are just a few of the things that I have thought of off the top of my head. With these things in place, then reconciliation can be successful. It is still a long journey, but with baby steps it can be achieved. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
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How One of You Can Bring Two of You Together by Susan Page

The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage
by Michele Weiner Davis

DIVORCE BUSTING: A STEP-BY-STEP APPROACH TO MAKING YOUR MARRIAGE LOVING AGAIN
by Michele Weiner Davis

When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal
by Susan Forward, Donna Frazier

Repairing Your Marriage After His Affair : A Guide for Healing and Rebuilding Trust
by MARCELLA WEINER, ARMAND DIMELE

When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages
by Leslie Parrott III
*** plus Workborks

Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love, New and Revised
by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg

Relationship Rescue
by Phillip C. McGraw
****The Relationship Rescue Workbook
by Phillip C. McGraw

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Healing Book Links
The following book list is a compilation of books suggested by posters at The Healing Heart. Each book contains a link to the Amazon.com page for that book, making available the reviews and comments from that resource. Amazon.com was chosen for convenience and does not represent any relationship with Amazon.com or and approval of the opinions expressed.

INFIDELITY
The Monogamy Myth by Peggy Vaughan
After the Affair by Janis Abrahms-Spring
Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass
Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman, Ph.D.
Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment by Emily Brown
Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnic, Gloria Harris
Surviving an Affair by Willard F. Harley Jr
'Affairs' by Brown
Repairing Your Marriage--After His Affair by Marcella Bakur Weiner Ph.D., Ed.D. and Armand DiMele, C.S.W., B.C.D.
Private Lies by Frank Pittman
How Could You Do This to Me? by Dr. Jane Greer
Torn Asunder by Dave Carder
Betrayed by Riki Robbins
When Your Lover is a Liar by Susan Forward, Ph.D
Never Be Lied to Again by David Lieberman Ph.D.
When Bad Things Happen to Good Marriages by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott
Rebuilding Your Broken World by Gordon MacDonald
MAKING THE DECISION
Should You Leave by Peter D. Kramer
Too good to leave, Too bad to stay by Mira Kirshenbaum
Should I stay or Go? by Lee Raffel
Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner Davis
Make Up, Don't Break Up by Bonnie Eaker Weil
Fighting for Your Marriage by Howard J. Markman, et al
A Lasting Promise by Scott Stanley, et al
Take Back Your Marriage by William Doherty
How One of You Can Bring Two of You Together by Susan Page
Blessings of Brokenness by Charles Stanley
Reconcilable Differences by Andrew Christensen--USA Today article
Relationship Rescue by Phillip C. McGraw, Ph.D
Crisis Points by Julian Sleigh
MARITAL MAINTENANCE
The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner
The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner
The Dance of Connection by Harriet Lerner
The Dance of Deception by Harriet Lerner
The Complete Idiot's Guide to: Affair Proof Love by Lana Staheli, Sonia Weiss.
You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen
Uncoupling by Diane Vaughan
Staying Close by Dennis Rainey
His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
Marriage Magazine or 1-800-marriage
Light His Fire by Ellen Kriedman
Love Life for Every Married Couple by Ed Wheat
How to Romance the Man You Love--The Way He Wants You To by Lucy Sanna
Building Your Mate's Self Esteem by Dennis and Barbara Rainey
1001 Ways to Be Romantic by Gregory Godek
How to be a Great Lover by Lou Paget
The Great American Sex Diet by Laura Corn
The Case for Marriage by Maggie Gallager
How to Make Anyone Fall in Love With You by Leil Lowndes
The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle
Co-Dependent No More by Melody Bettie
The Single Woman-Married Man Syndrome by Richard Tuch, M.D. (written for clinicians, requires Psych 101 for vocabulary)
Making Love Stay by Peggy Vaughan
'Romance on a Shoestring' game for married couples
MORE RECOVERY AND INSIGHTS
Gary Smalley books and tapes--concept of 'closed spirit'
Man's Search for Meaning by Victor E. Frankl
The Soul's Code by James Hillman
Soul Mates' and Care of the Soul by Thomas Moore
Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss, Ph.D.
The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck, Ph.D.
People of the Lie by Scott Peck, Ph.D.
Grow Up by Frank Pittman
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz
The Choosing to Forgive Workbook by Les Carter
Help for Therapists (and their Clients) in dealing with affairs by Peggy Vaughan

Thank Ya for making this post. I really needed to read this and I plan on showing it to my H for him to read. I do alot of reading and it has helped me alot. We are moving along good and plan to renew our wedding vows on our Anniversary which is March 12th. I am trying so hard to forgive and still working thur that everyday. My H is doing everything he can to make this easier for me. I don't wanna rush into the forgiving part too soon but i think it would be a good idea if i can forgive before we renew our vows in order for us to make a fresh start. Our lives has changed alot now since the A. As far as spending time together now, we are mostly together 24/7. I have ask my H if this bothers him and he says No he really does like it. I know and see my part in the whole A, as i wasn't meeting the needs that he found from the OW. That's when we learn from our mistakes and I know that won't happen again. Everybody has a story to tell about there feelings and M and most are different but the same in so many ways. I have not even got to the trust part yet. That will take some time for us to work on. I feel I had way too much trust to start with. He took the trust away from me so he has to work harder on getting that back.
I just thought the post Ya made littlebit was very interesting and let Ya know it really did help someone....Thank Ya Again


Me: BS, age 51
H: WS, age 53
Married: 30 years
D-day 10-1-04
Affair lasted about 3 months
Working thur this mess
Ya can find most of my story here.....
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=033478

Well my hubby and I are trying very hard, it is getting easier, but I still have my trigger moments..................The triggers never leave. You know what they are and at first you seek them out. You then try to ignore them and after that you learn to live with them. If you don't you divorce. If you do, you have learned to suppress the pain and hold back your anger. Ultimately, you become an even better person because you have learned self control and how to discuss you feelings with your spouse. Work through the triggers let your spouse know what hurts and how it affects you.Triggers are there to keep your feelings honest you have to accept them as a common occurence and be willing to discuss them in the open. If you spouse has certain habits that trigger you let them know about that and discuss some possibilities of what they can do to help you out. If they aren't willing to help or become defensive, you have a problem and may need intervention and professional help. For the most part, unless you have weathered a difficult and disapointing life and have seen the world from every point of view and have met god, you will respond to any trigger at any time. My first marriage ended in 1980 because of an affair. I still have triggers. Seek the love of your spouse and the understanding that they are willing to bring into your healing process. Looks at this as physicians look at a cancer. There is no value in a cure rate, only a success rate after 5 years. Alot of therapy is needed during that period and the cancer takes every opportunity to regress. I see this regression as a trigger and if you cling to it much as a cancer cell clings to a vital organ, it will just grow and eventually destroy everything around it. It you are open about your cancer and do everything you can your success rate improves. So should you healing process with your spouse. Keep it in side and you will always regress.

slowly but surely we will makes it.. littlebit

Thank you so much for your replies I cannot tell you how valuable they are. I am taking one day at a time and doing a lot of looking within. I have tried to focus on doing things for me to keep me moving forward rather than letting the Affair consume my every thought. I even wrote what was intended to be a short note to my husband outlining the many things he had done that have been hurtful and how he portrayed our marriage in such a bad light - 9 pages later I actually sent it (I slept on it first) and I feel good. We both have individual counselors and he met withhis today I figure he had lots to think about. Friday if visitation again so I will attempt to make it through as painlessly as possible. Fo now I hold fast to our beautiful son he is my blessing and my strength these days.

Thanks again for all your advise - I have a great selection of reading materials to chose from some of which I have read others I look forward too.