Please let me know what you think about me and my
amazing wife, after you read the letter I wrote 8 days
ago.... I told my wife about my weakness 7 days ago,
we've been talking ever since that day, being honest
with one another about everything. I think she's going
to leave me today. I'm sorry for my actions, I feel
like nothing/empty/sad.

I'd like to start this letter by stating that I love
my wife dearly. We've been married for about one year
now; been together for almost 8 years overall. She
really is an angel on earth, sweet as can be, perfect.
The first few years of our relationship were amazing,
we became the best of friends almost instantly.

A few years ago, she found some video tapes of mine
that almost broke her heart. The image of a perfect
relationship, in her eyes, was gone. Just to give you
a little background about me, I come from a severly
disfunctional family. Pornography had been the only
frustrated sexual release I had known for a few years,
as sad as that sounds. My wife felt that I wanted the
women on the tapes more than her, but I never did. I
hadn't been giving her the sexual love she would have
expected from a young man like me, it was because I
was unsure of myself. I understood where she was
coming from, I never really had an answer for her,
other than I was sorry and I didn't want to lose her.

Everything would seem ok for the next few
months/years, but I was still troubled by my past,
still sad about my weakness. She couldn't understand
why she wasn't enough for me, I know I hadn't been
giving her enough physical love, like she deserved, I
felt like I couldn't please her anymore.

A few months ago, I did the worst thing ever, I found
a escort website, set up an appointment and cheated on
my wife. The whole drive down there, I felt horrible,
almost turned around many times. The whole drive back,
I felt hollow. That occured back in Oct, about 3
months ago. Not a day goes by now where I don't regret
my actions. More than anything, I want to live a
happy, loving life with my wife, no more pain/sadness.
I know what I did is horrible, I know any woman
reading this probably hates me, and I'm sorry.

Now, I'm extremely torn in my mind. If I could, I'd go
back to that day and change my actions. I want to tell
my wife, to get it off my chest, but I don't want to
hurt her anymore and I don't want to lose her either.
I want to please her, make her feel great for the rest
of our lives. But, I'm worried that I've damamaged
myself so badly, by my actions, that I'll never be
able to be the man I want to be for her by hiding this
dark secret.

I appreciate any advice you have. Just writing this
letter makes me feel a bit better.

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 01:39 PM: Message edited by: mwalk ]</small>

MWalk, you have a very SERIOUS porn addiction. Very common actually and nothing to feel ashamed about. BUT, you need to treat it like an addition. GET SOME HELP! Seriously. Before you do anything,(like tell your wife, etc.) find a good personal counselor, or a porn addition website. I just did a quick yahoo search and there are tons of website designed to help people like you.

My husband was labeled a "sex addict" even though he had 1 affair in 7 years of marriage and he doesn't do porn. He was labeled that because of the way he uses sex to numb his pain. When I couldn't have sex (pregnancy issues) he HAD to go to another woman. Addictions aren't just drugs and gambling. They come in all forms. I urge you to get help or you will lose your wife.

The reason I stayed in the marriage is because I could see how seriously my husband was taking this issue. Once I saw him working on himself, I regained hope for our marriage. It has been 2 months since D-day. We are getting through this ONLY because of great Christian counseling and God's love, grace and support.

If you are a Christian man, you may want to find a group dedicated to that. My church has a support group (that my husband joined) for men dealing with sexual addiction issues. Many of the men in his group are serious porn addicts.

Please get help. It sounds like you recognize you have a problem. As far as telling your wife, I would discuss that with a professional first.

Good luck and God bless

Godhelpme2, thank you for taking the time to try to help me. I know my original post was confusing... it actually contained a letter I had sent out to another marriage website looking for help. The day after I wrote that letter, I told my wife what I had done. I couldn't live with myself lying to her for the rest of our lives. I really want help. I feel myself calling her name in my dreams... "Sarah, Sarah.... save me". It has been 1 week since I told my wife what I had done. We've been talking, crying, aching, excited, lost, hopeless, hopefull feeling for the past 7 days.

Sarah just called me a minute ago, when she calls me, my heart melts. In my mind and my heart, I love her, I want her, I need her, I adore her. At the same time, I'm torn with sorrow and sadness about my own weakness, my choice, my pain. I feel like, if I try to convince Sarah of my love, I'm being selfish. I've been thinking about asking her for a divorce, letting her feel better about herself and me feeling better about myself and maybe trying to come back together again at some point. But then I feel my heart and I know it beats only for her. Almost every day for the past 7 days, Sarah has told me that we're soul mates, meant for one another, our souls intertwined, we have endless love. I've always felt that way about her, I've been unsettled about myself in my mind, always felt I wasn't good enough for her.

I told my younger brother everything. I can tell, from talking to him, he's hurting inside himself. By telling him, I was hoping to open his eyes to the pain that I caused all around me, and to try to have enough confidence in himself to be truthful always.

For anyone reading this, please take this piece of advice, I wish I had earlier in life. Live life in complete truth and you'll feel whole as a person and be able to give all of yourself to others. A lie, any lie, eats away at your soul. It turns you into something you swore you'd never be. It will lead you down a path you swore you'd never take and end up like many of our parents, alone. I don't wish that for anyone, I wish everyone love. I'm sorry for my weakness, I can't wait to get back to having a real life, no more lies.

Love,

Matt

Matt,

Good for you! You sound like a brave and good man. I believe my husband is the same, and like you made a terrible mistake by living a lie. I heard a life changing quote once similar to the one you said "Sin will take you further than you want to go, keep you there longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay." So true. That is what happened with you and with my husband.

I applaud you for telling your wife. She sounds amazing too in her willingness to love you through this.

You guys married for better or worse. She is seeing your worse side and is there for you. Why would you let Satan convince you that you don't deserve your wife's love? A divorce? No way Matt! Count your blessings and remember you are worth them all!

Now go love that girl. Realize how blessed you are and get help for your problem.

Good for sharing your story with your brother too. That was brave and your willingness to share will help others in the future.

God Bless!

Godhelpme2,

Thank you for you kind words. Thank you for helping. You made me cry tears of joy with everything you said. As I have in the past, I'm letting my self doubt make me feel like I'm a horrible person and that I'm not worthy of her. I feel ashamed if I feel good, (I do feel good because I'm excited about our future). I feel pain and sorrow and I'm sorry, sorry for being such a weak husband. But, I'm madly in love with my angel, my Sarah, my heart. I want nothing in life but time with my wife, seeing her smile, laughing about good time, it makes all of my pain vanish. I take comfort in knowing that their are good people in this world like you, Godhelpme2. People that take the time to help others. I'm ready for our future, still scared she may leave, but loving her no matter what happens. I have faith in our love, faith in our future, faith in our strength.

Love,

Matt

You need to take firm action that you have changed and are willing to right your wrongs. Get help ASAP! DON'T DIVORCE! If she sees sincerity she you will have a chance. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and pay the attention to whom it is deserved, HER. ******edit*****

<small>[ January 28, 2005, 03:56 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>