I've been married for 12 years this year, my husband and I have been married since he was 19 and I 21. About 6 years into the marriage, after the birth of our daughter, we fell into a big disconnect. Before our child came along, we did everything together, spent as much time as we could with each other because he was a servicemember who left a lot. We didn't fight and were totally wrapped up in each other at all times. When our daughter was born, I fell head over heels in love and kind of pushed him aside; where his place used to be, hers was now. We stopped talking and didn't have a lot in common all of the sudden except a child. We got our first computer at this time, and my husband started chatting quite a bit. At first it was just online, then phone coversations, and then I supected him of having an affair. 12/7/98 was D-day for us. There were a lot of recriminations, crying, and anger; but we decided to work it out. Unfortunately, he was in a bad place emotionally; and the chatting continued. He felt he had to be this "knight in shining armour" to every woman that he met online. He swore that nothing came of it; but our marriage was crumbling right befor my eyes. In the midst of all of this turmoil; I got preganant again; with a son. The chatting and secretive behaviour never stopped, but he swore that he was being faithful. We moved to a new state and things seemed better after we left our old life behind. Soon, however, the behaviour started again. He went out of town for a business trip and I found out that another woman was supposed to accompany him on the trip, but didn't go. She called me on the phone and talked to me about it. I confronted him, once again, and he was contrite and said nothing had happened. The hamster wheel started again and we fell into a pattern of me thinking he's unfaithful and being undemonstrative, him pulling away and looking for a "balm" to make him feel wanted. Recently, I snooped on his cell phone and found some text messages from other women; one of which said she loved him. Again, a confrontation where he said he didn't want her; he just wanted me to be the way I used to. He wants to feel physically attractive and needed and I wasn't giving that to him. So, I decided "what's good for the goose" and all. I started chatting, I know, not the best idea, and he discovered and flew off the deep end. I've never done anything remotely unfaithful, never met anyone from online, never given anyone even a phone number. He pulled out the phone book, took all my credit cards, told me he was making me leave my children and that he'd take care of them. This is the first time I'd ever done anything like that, and the DOUBLE STANDARD was alive and well. He couldn't handle the thought of me with another man at all.

Since the "blowout", we've reached a tentative truce, with me trying to give him everything he needs in order to not upset my life. I'm a lucky woman, being able to stay at home and volunteer; not having to go to work. I'm very well taken care of, and he does show me frequent physical affection. He's sworn that besides the first affair, he's not been unfaithful. Do I let go of the past and move forward? How do I let go of all of the suspicion I've been carrying for 6 years? How can I build trust again. I love him, and I believe he loves me, but we don't seem to be "in love" anymore.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Luckily you have found us in time. Read all of the information here and keep posting.

Check out the emotional needs section on the home page and be sure to start meeting one anothers emotional needs.

It is also necessary to spend at least 15 hours a week doing pleasant things together. So start scheduling that.

At this point, the only one you can change is yourself. So start on that. Hopefully that will cause him to make some changes too.

What happens very often with men that have been unfaithful is that once they have a threat of that type of behavior being turned against them, they get very scared and do an about face. He cheated and now you are walking the chalk line? Sounds backwards.

VA,
I'm really intrigrued by your story.
This may get me a smack or two somewhere, but you know..I don't think things would have ever changed if your chatting hadn't surfaced.

Believe it or not, there's a part of me that almost wants to say GOOD FOR YOU !! Giving him a taste of his own medicine. I hate the whiny men who try to manipulate their wives into thinking they have so many unmet needs, he wants to feel loved.

Well good, now you guys can work on these things.

Oh..and I would suggest getting rid of the computers or something.

Too much of a temptation on all levels.

Keep an eye on him..I don't trust him, I don't KNOW him, but I don't trust him..so I know where you're coming from with that.

Get a keylogger program, try to make sure you share passwords to all email accounts.

Some members who have suffered this internet thing, have gone to the secret email accounts together, deleted all the trash..and changed the password to a long sequence of numbers and letters, wrote it down once so they could confirm the new password, and then burned the paper.

It worked.

Good luck to you !

You need to read and read and read MB principles.

You and your husband need to work out some commitments .... and verifications. I agree with MB principle that spouses should be an open book...no secrets.

Counseling is critical. Please try to find it. Many churches offer it for free if money is an issue. Pro-Marriage counselor is important.

We've been in MC only about 3 months and it has really been helpful to us.

Thanks for all of the advice. I've brought up the subject of counseling; but he believes we can "talk it out" amongst ourselves without outside help.

I'll admit, I have been a very "snoopy" person, trying to get email account information, looking on his cell phone, etc. Since the blowout last month, I have refrained from any time of prying; although it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

What galls me is that the other day, right in front of me, he checked the history of visited websites on my computer. After he couldn't say enough bad things about me snooping, he did it right in front of my face! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

He as asked me to "make him fall in love with him again"; but how? I'm doing everything I think he wants; but I'm not sure he's really in it for me anymore.