* posted for the encouragement of the newly broken hearted *

Hi, I am Bob Pure

My story gets referred to quite a bit on these boards, GQ2 particularly ,not because I am special but that my story was TYPICAL. The untypical bit was that everything happened pretty fast and I managed a close adherence to MB advice thanks to the wonderful people on these boards and some grit I never knew I had. Oh and God's intervention of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

With so many posts and the search facility not being so brilliant I thought I'd gather important stuff together that may help new BS.

These links are not to show up MY posts but to READ the FANTASTIC advice I received in these threads and the outcome that was achieved. I hope they give you confidence that you are not alone, that your life WILL get better SOON, and that MB applied properly CAN help get your baby back.

God bless you in your efforts to recover your marriage.

Firstly an introduction, who the heck am I ?

So who is Bob Pure?

My dear wife of 18 years ,Squid, had an affair that I found out about on d-day July 22 2004. I wasn't in good shape

then , maybe just like you now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> :

How did I feel on D-day ?

I was blessed by finding Marriagebuilders only three days after d-day. My early posts show my state of mind and
heart. My dear Squid had been kidnapped by aliens and replaced with a snarling, spitting thing that made no sense,and hated me, our kids, friends, relatives...everyone but OM. The fog was thick and I had no idea what to do: Look at my desperation and misery BUT ALSO at the WONDERFUL advice and care this stranger got from MBers ! You are NOT alone on MB ! There are Angels here !

And they were not talking only to me but to every desperate Betrayed Spouse that ever reads this !

Note how generous in support are the FWS on this site. Do NOT be mean to them because infidelity hurt you. It hurt them too. You will NEED their insights. I learned from them how my Squid was feeling when she couldn't tell me herself. Their insight and support was central to our recovery.


See my early posts show hopelessness BUT see the uplifting advice from MBers, old and new alike !

First hopeless mess thread

I was soon pointed at a FANTASTIC resource on this board - WorthATry's Quickstart for new Betrayed Spouses. This thread has saved more than one life I am sure.

New BS READ THIS and digest it. THIS and prayer are all you need for a while.

WATs WONDERFUL guide to new betrayed spouses

It made me read every word on the site which made me buy "surviving an affair" by Willard Harley. I soon began to implement 'Plan A'.


Plan A advice from experts

Plan A is an exercise in hope and fear control as it is in stopping the affair. It has a massive secondary benefit of delivering self-control and self-determination to the BS too !

BS can get impatient with plan A, when really exposure is needed.

Experts stop my impatience with plan A

Here is a wonderful reasource again from friend WorthATry describing the process and benefits of exposing the affair to the OPs spouse and others.


WATs guide to affair exposure 101

Exposure was the most effective and satisfying tool against teh affair that I used ! Melody Lane , Pepperband and WAT almost bullied me into doing this when I was weak and felt like exposing would drive my wife away from me into the arms of her lover.

Wierd affair dynamics with WS
You can expect nastiness from your WS BUT exposure is important for all parties affected. And tell me the thought of OP dodging crockery for a day or two doesn't make you smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WS and OP don't like exposure much...ot;images/icons/smile.gif" />

Fog from WS after exposure....

Remember that you are not the only innocent hurt party in the affair Doesn't OPs spouse ( if there is one) deserve to know what they're married to ? In my case sending proof of PA to OM s GF was the catalyst that sent OM into therapy and their relationship on the road to recovery. NEVER feel that exposing is immoral JUST BECAUSE it feels good.

OM GF begs for proof of affair

SO...if starting plan A and exposing gets your baby back home with you (as I was blessed to find) you have work ahead of you, dear BS. You may be tempted and think " is it worth it?"

Is it all worth it? temptation of BS in Plan A


You think " I don;t want this betrayer back"

Don't particularly want her back


You will wonder if your FWS will ever love you again...
Will she love me again? Am I second choice?

You may find you are tempte dto settle for teh easy way, and cease recovery as soon as your WS is back in yoru arms BUT DO NOT ! Strive for a GREAT marriage for both of you !
Do not give in too easily through loneliness

After a while, MB concepts like POJA and PORH become part of your vocabulary with your FWS
POJA even important stuff like contact with OMW

And you find yourself after WS withdrawal in recovery. In Plan A or plan B you had only one objective - stop the affair. Recovery is just as hard, but less easily targetted.

You may feel that although life is imporving yoru WS is not as contrite as you would hope for or expect, they may be affected by one of the many complex emotions suffered by FWS. You may not see it now,but affairs are hard on them too. There are no easy lives after an affair.


Get inside a FWS head

as a FBS, you will find everything against your instinct that is successful. Amongst the hardest things I did was forgive my Squid. But I got back more than i could have dreamed.

Discussion on total forgiveness

And you may find yourself taking mor eblame than you deserve for the poor M which may have led to your WS affair

Isit all my fault ?

If you have scanned through for some of these I hope you may have seen parallels with your own seemingly hopeless sitiation.

Well, I am here to tell you that you CAN get your baby back and be happier than ever. My Squid loves me again and is working on our marriage in a loving and mostly fun environment.

Take heart, new BS. Your heart CAN be mended. Follow the advice of the wise folks on this board.

<small>[ January 29, 2005, 12:04 PM: Message edited by: B0B PURE* ]</small>

Happy Birthday Bob (It's still 1/31 here in the US). This is my first post. I've been following your story since my situation is similar to yours. Soon will post more.

Just wanted to bump this. Saw this thread referred to in recover and it has a lot of good stuff.

Welcome newbies to the club no one wants membership in.

Tiggy

Bump again. This post has a lot of good info. Every time I read it, I still get a lot out of it! Even though I am at a different point, it still helps me out a lot! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ali~

ps I don't want my "baby" back! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 02:54 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

BUMP for those just beginning this process. Notice I said process and not journey? There is no end. There is a process.

I think for those of us who have found ourselves, as Tiggy said, members of a club we would never want to belong to .... we realize that we have to work through some very painful growth personally and in our marriages.

My D-Day was June 26. My H had a long term affair (5+ years). I really thought we would never get through it. But here we are 8 months behind us. Our R is much better than it was 9 months ago. He told me last week that he can't remember being this happy ever. That, my friends, inspite of the pain we still both feel over what has happened.

Our work is not done. It will never be done.

Bob's guide gives some great insight for those looking for some guidance.

Thank you, Mr. Pure.

hns

just to put this back up for others to benefit from it!

^ bumped as requested

bumpity - bump.

Bump

Bump it up