A week ago she told me she had to go out of town on business over a future holiday. The was a date change form the original trip. I told her that was unacceptable and wnated her to say no. She said she had made a commitment and couldn't get out. A 2 day trip beacme 3 then 5 then 7. I confronted her again and she said she was a terrible W but wouldn't say why. I was going insane. 3 days ago, I dug through her computer. Her drawers. Everywhere. I found her current journal. It matched what I found on the computer. I kept looking and found an old journal. I learned of the 1st A. Details. Notes from OM. Kept looking. Found momentos from current OM. When she got home I confronted her. I layed out an opening for her to confess. When she didn't I asked how many? 2. One still going. Long distance. Was a LA (1 yr long). 1st was too I think but not as serious more PA (3yrs ago - 1+ yrs long). 2 days ago OM called when I was home. I freaked and went for a drive. Calmed down as best as I could and talked/yelled/cried with her. She said she wanted it to be over but when I pressed for some concrete proof (call OM, throw away momentos) she refused. She went to a hotel. Next morning she was back w/ a reciept from the post ofc for mailing a pkg. She said the most memorable momento was gone. She agreed to counseling and we started yesterday. I am so hurt. Angry. Sad. Scared. We renewed our vows last yr (10yrs). She was deep in the A then. She tells me she loved OM. Oh God. She ... I have looked all over the web for answers. This is the only place where things are positive. Will we be ok? Can it be saved? I want it to be. Someone give me encouragement please. I still love her. NOt what she did but her. I have so many questions for her. What can I ask? What's healthy? for me. for her. for us. I have so many questions. Must stop for now. sniff.

Welcome to this forum. I am four years into recovery after my H had 2 affairs. Yes, you can recover and be happy again...but only if your wife is willing to take the next steps to insure no contact with her A partners and create a recovery plan that protects your marriage from future As. Returning mementos is a very small part of that. Please read the articles on this site and look at how affairs need to end. Get a copy of "surviving an affair" and read it together.

I'm sorry for your pain....you are not alone....and this CAN be done.

((((((((((((((((((onmy))))))))))))))))))

What is fair to ask her to do? I don;t want to push her away. I was sure it was person A but it was really person B. They all know each other and worked together. I asked her to end all relationship w/ person b and she refused. They work (long distance) using the web/fed ex, etc.. He knew about the A and did nothing. It hurts me. She is worried about income. She works from home I have an hour commute. I know I can;t control her. Don't want to. Is it unreasonable to ask her to stop working w/ him? Can I allow work only contact? I am too afraid to trust her.

I mixed up my person A's and B's. More simply the friend is who she is works with. The OM is out. (hopefully).

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Luckily you have found us. Your wife will have to have no contact with this man. But first we need to get you stronger.

Read the link on my sig line about Plan A. That is the starting point. By the way, Starfish is an expert, so ignore what I say if it is different than her advice.

onmy,

Fear of upsetting or pushing your wayward wife away, will only make it very difficult to take the steps necessary to recover your marriage. Take some time to read about Plan A and B and what those things are comprised of. You are going to have to let go of your instincts and understand that much of what needs to be done to end affairs is counter-intuitive.

onmy

I'm 7 months out from dday of a lta (4+ years). We are doing well. What helped me in the beginning was becoming an expert on infidelity and the MB principles. I read everything I could get my hands on. I did topic searches on this web site. I checked books out of the library. Surviving an Affair is a great start. Torn Asunder is another good book.

Also what helped was to separate the sin from the sinner. I didn't want my H to become his mistake. Make time for fun. It was very very hard for me in the beginning. But so critical to our moving forward. It can't be all about the affair all of the time.

Read other stories here. Go to the Recovery thread and read there.

Get into counseling! Some churches will offer it for free if money is an issue. Counseling is vital!

Talk to others here. Ask questions. Vent. Many here are willing to offer support and suggestions. There are some wise souls. Follow their posts to other people.

God bless you and bring you peace.

Wow. What a day.It started at 4am online reading here. Finally got the nerve to post aroung 9am. It helped getting it down on paper (so to speak). When she got home from the hotel yesterday my condition was counseling and no more contact w/ OM. She picked up the phone and made an appointment. It's close enough to walk once the weather gets better.

This morning we talked. I had a lot to say. My needs. She really listened. I asked her if she had any communication since yesterday morning break off. She said no. She told me she drempt of him (conversation). I can't control her dreams and was happy she was honest w/ me. I then let her tell me some of her reasons. I listened. Funny, we haven't been that close in years. After several hours we decided to take a break and relax. Went to lunch and a movie. I lasted 5 minutes into the movie (topic reminded me of him) and needed space. She immediately asked what I needed to do. I choose to try to stay. Eventually we had to leave. Too painful. She was supportive. I told her I couldn't look at her right then and she let me have my space. Ironic, before the movie I mentioned that I didn't hate her though I thought that at some point I might. Well, I hated her. We got home and she let me talk again. The communication is so wonderful. Today I am not afraid to hide anything. I am totally honest. Tonight we watched tv movie. I almost made it to the end when out of the blue I pictured them being intimate. (1st time for that) I am struggling with that now. Is my imagination worse thatn anything she could tell me if I asked? Or would confirmation of things haunt me?

We are staying in separate rooms. I told her tonight to tell me when she was ready to move back over to tell me. Then I can decide when I'm ready to let her in after that.
Today was the best day. Today was the worst day. How long is the roller coaster ride? I know I'm really early in this. Are there any statistics?

I am staying positive. I like myself more than yesterday.

onmy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I lasted 5 minutes into the movie (topic reminded me of him) and needed space.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is called a trigger. Hang onto your hat ... there will be more and without warning. At 7 months out they happen less and less. When they do occur they are controllable and less overwhelming than at the beginning.

The key at the beginning when your hurt is so fresh .... focus on love and that you can't take back words or actions. Tit for tat in the hurt department doesn't lead to a strong marriage. She has to feel that she can be redeemed in your eyes and you both need to help each other feel that TOGETHER you can save this M.

Our struggles were so different at the beginning. My H struggled to feel he hadn't damaged our M beyond repair and that someday he could forgive himself and that I could forgive him. I struggled to feel the movies in my brain would stop playing, the hurt in my very soul would stop pulsing, and that I would someday feel the same about him (deep trusting love) that I did before the awful thing started.

The dance between you is gonna feel off kilter for awhile. You hopefully will have the same goals (love and happiness in your M), but how you get there will be different bc you are coming to it from different hurts and needs. And in some ways the hurts and needs are going to seem so different. And here is something else true for most of us .... our hurt has an immediacy and self-centered nature to it .... sometimes our hurt is so overwhelming we lose touch of the other's pain. And also ... sometimes we heal faster when we are helping the other heal.

BRING YOUR ANGER AND VENTING HERE!!! It will take the edge off and give you a chance to think through your words and actions before lovebusting your wife. You'll get great advice too.

There's no set timelines for this rollercoaster ride. I hear two years a lot. From a variety of sources (including my own IC/MC). As with all averages some may get off the ride earlier and others later. How long the ride lasts can depend on a lot of factors .... what you two do in the beginning, the length of the A, the depth of the betrayal, level of no contact with OP (absolute being the best), among other factors.

Keep asking questions. Think about keeping this thread going for you. Post daily. It makes it easier for people to find you and recall your situation.

Hang in there. Hard work, sincere intent, commitment to love .... it is doable. There are people posting here who are 2+ years out from discovery and happy in their Ms.

That helped.

I decided that I do not want the truth about details. I think that would be worse. I think I can eventually convince myself that it isn't nearly as bad as my imagination.

This AM was a new discovery. We are getting more and more honest w/ each other. She told me Fri AM when she came back that she wanted to fix the M. Today she said she wasn't sure if M was right for her. She said she needs space and time to think. I need comfort and healing. I need to know that she doesn't want to fake it any more. I am seeing things more clearly today then yesterday then the day before. Our next MC is Thur. I suggested she go on her own between now and then to learn about herself. I want to hold her but know that I have to let her go if I want her to come back. We are in seperate bedrooms right now. Tomorrow I'll go back to work and she'll have personal time while she is working (home business). I need to be strong. I know that. It's hard.

They all say the same thing - space and time to think. Keep reading here, you will see it over and over. It might mean she wants more time to continue the affair.

Read about Plan A, and start it right away.

We live in a different state now than the OM. THey were chatting and emailing and phoning each other the past 4 months. It was mostly EA but did include PA. I am absorbing information like a sponge and have ordered SAA. I have Surviving Infidelity in fornt of me. Is it not healthy to allow time for grief for WW? She knows it won't continue. She is an emotional wreck trying to decide if she wants to be married at all. She says she doesn't want to commit to me if she can't commit. She will have IC this week before are MC. On the weekend she is going to go out of town to visit her best friend (female, nowhere near OM). I know I am the victim but I don't want to fix something she isn't sure about. I told her that we can fix anything but I don't want her if she doesn't want me.
Tonight she told me why and what(not physical stuff-don't want to know). I was blind. I dodn't make the choice for her to have an A but I did help her get to a place where she made a bad decision. I did not cause the affair. I can fix our M so it doesn't happen again.

I plan on going to visit my best friend next weekend too. One thing she said I never gave her was space. This is very true. I have an issue with lonliness. I didn't realize it was causing her pain. I didn't realize it was causing me pain. I am learning that there is a difference between alone and lonley. I wish I learned sooner.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=034754#000000

I don't know if this link will work, but I just read this post about EA and I understand what I can do to help through the fog.

Tried to go to work today. 1 hr commute. called WW at home for the last 20 min of drive. Was late to work. I don't do that. In a training session all day, all week. Usually take breaks every 2 hours. Lasted 45 min. 2nd break hour later. 3rd break now. I don't want to be here. We need space to think. She needs space she says to think. Not sure if she wants to even BE M. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I'm at a total loss. How is this an option? I know somewhat where I was missing for her. Her EA/PA was very E. She has had NC for 3 days. I hurt so bad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I just want a chance to be a better person for me. for her. for us.
What next? How can I fix this? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Dear onmybday:

{{{{{{{onmybday}}}}}}}

I understand, and so do a lot of people here, the "I'm not sure I want to be married" bomb. We've been where you are. Please try to get some rest and eat. If you feel the emotions are too much to handle, please see your doctor to prescribe some anti-depressants as a temporary measure. They will at least be able to stabilize you so that you can make the necessary decisions. Also do something nice for yourself, you deserve it. You are about to be on a rollercoaster that has no safety net nor seatbelts. If you start with the basics like sleeping and eating, the rest may seem easier.

hang in there brother. I've been through it too. Try to find out if there is indeed no more contact! This is essential. You must read Dr. Harley's book, Surviving the Affair!!! She must write the letter declaring no contact and then begin to find a counselor > a good one! No progress can be made if there is still contact. But prepare yourself, even after no contact is done, there will probably be withdrawals in your W from the OM. I know the thought of your W having withdrawals from another man is sickening, it's the truth. OM is an addiction, all emotional, she will get over it and come to her senses. (You've gotta get that book.)

Triggers suck, I know! It's been since May '04 for me and they still happen for me, although not as many or as intense.

Recover is possible hang in there.

God Bless

Out!

Gosh you sound like me. Actually, you sound like all of the BS that I have read about. You want to make it work, but don't see how you can get passed the hurt, right? It is still soo new to you, you can't imagine any good feelings at all. D-day for me was a month ago, and I STILL feel that way. There are no quick fixes, I am afraid. My H wants it to all be gone, but I'm not ready to let go.
I had the same experience with the movie. We went out on a date, New Year's Eve, and I thought I could handle it, but ended up not being able to. The night was perfect up until tha point. See, the OW first kissed him at a movie she knew he was going to see without me and just showed up at. He said in that minute, everything changed and he gave himself permission to cheat. So movies for me are a no go for awhile. So, I understand where you are coming from.
I am so sorry that you have to feel the way you do. Like everyone else has said, keep posting, ask lots of questions, and don't ever feel like you can't vent. That is what we are all here for! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
True

Hello, onmy! Just checking in to see how you are doing. Wanted you to know I've been thinking about you with prayers. Specifically I've prayed that you and your wife hold one another lovingly in thoughts and actions; and to give you both the strength to protect one another from further hurt.

Please hold on. The first month was a blur for me. I had a hard time keeping my mind on even the essentials .... but you have to take care of yourself. That is your first priority.

Your Plan A should be taking shape!! As runningwithscissors said, the NC letter is essential. Continue to read as much as you can. Use the MB search engine to find past threads on specific topics. Find a few wise souls to follow around the MB site ..... pendragon, star*fish, stillwed, foreverhers, cgar, cerri, are among the many sane voices to help you through this awful time. Come here for support, onmybday. It is amazing .... even though we are strangers ..... we care what happens to you.

If you can, encourage your wife to read some things also. It will help her understand better what you are going through. See if you two can get a empathetic place with one another .... really really trying to see the other persons hurt and fears. I emailed my h an article/interview available online with author Shirley Glass. It really did help both of us. http://www.shirleyglass.com/psychologytoday.htm

About the asking for details .... you'll hear a wide range of opinions here .... but I for one agree with you. I asked A LOT of questions .... but not about the "details" if you know what I mean. The movies in my head were hard enough to dispel without that knowledge!

Hang in there! Let us know how you are doing!

Home now. I really appriciate the feedback. I know it is going to hurt for some time. Today she took my advice and sook IC. She starts Wed. We have MC on Thur. I am going to find someone for me too (IC). I read that I have classic PST syndrome. I get the shakes, can't eat, can't sleep, can't think, can't breathe, cry randomly. Then the next minute I am fine and then it starts over again. My best friend is an MD. I will be talking to him tonight. What is hardest for me is the thought of her not knowing if she wants to give us a chance. Makes me think she isn't sorry at all. We have not signed a NC letter, but she agreed to it and we talk about it every morning. I believe her that there has been none. Last NC was 1/28 at 7am she called from her hotel to say goodbye. I don't want to bring up a signed letter now b/c I want her to know I trust her (a little anyway). I read that with EA you have to not push to hard b/c of the fog period. I want to make it through the fog w/o pushing her away. She has told her parents. I am sure it was hard. We talked about it a little. They want her to do what is right for her but wholeheartedly believe in matrriage (40yrs). I haven't told mine yet. I called them Sat. and told them I needed some space. I am so imbarassed. I feel like a failure as a H. I couldn't see what she needed. How do I tell my parents. I know they love me, but... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />