Need advice!!! My wife has had 3 affairs in our 19 year marriage.

In 1995, she fell in love with her brother’s friend when we were helping her brother move. (She fell for him in one day while I was there!) She immediately told me the marriage was over and that she never loved me. She blamed me for EVERYTHING! He was a nice enough guy but lived a simple life (lived in a camper in the woods!) and had little money. My wife would drive by his house (I caught her) and call him constantly. She confessed to me one night that she had always loved this man. (She hardly knew him and he told me he barely knew her). Luckily, he was a gentleman and started calling me to try to figure out how to get her to quit contacting him. I asked him just to sever the ties which he did and she came back to me immediately. We also went to counseling but she quit.

In 2000, she went away for a weekend with a lady from work. Turns out a man from work went also but I did not know at the time. She came home and said she wanted out of the marriage and blamed me for everything again. I asked her what happened on the weekend away and she went ballistic. I asked her to go to counseling and she would not so I went again. She started going out at night and acting strange so I put my foot down and said she had to make a choice (work on the marriage or end it). She changed her ways and everything was fine (so I thought).

She took a new job in May and immediately came home talking about a coworker. She knew everything about him. She then started acting withdrawn, lots about 35 lbs, bought new revealing clothes, new underwear, got facial treatments, and started wearing lots of makeup. She also took mouthwash; toothpaste and even feminine hygiene wash to work. (Tell me, was she having an affair???) She then went to a conference for work that the kids and I were supposed to go to but she refused to let us go. Her friend from work went. When she came back, she said our marriage was worse. I filed for divorce that week (October 2004). Later I found emails to this guy that were suggestive. He is a playboy and dates lots of women so it will not last.

She has moved out and at 38 years of age is acting like a teenager. She now goes out all the time and has new friends from work which are much younger than her. She hates all of my family and all of her old friends because they have told her she is making a mistake. All of her friends tell me I am the best husband and father they know.

Our marriage was (or so I thought) always great. We spent lots of time together, beautiful home, great kids and family. But my wife is never happy with anything. She has gone through 7 jobs in the last 10 years and is always buying things.

Recently, she has called me a couple of times. She had me come over and was affectionate and then had me over one night and was cold.

Can anyone tell me if she will ever smarten up and want to reconcile (again)? What is she going through? Is she still in the fog? Will she come out of it? If she was missing something in the relationship, why not tell me? I have always done everything she has asked and so much more.

I am heartbroken beyond belief.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is good that you found us. The MB program says that spouses cheat when their emotional needs are not being met. But it sounds like your wife is trying to fill some kind of void by her behavior. Does she have childhood issues?

Whatever the cause, we can help you. Most of the people here have been through similar situations. Weekends are slow, so you might want to post on General Questions.

Her father was (is) very demanding. Her mother waits on her dad and he never, never does any work around the house. My wife's sister and her always came 2nd to her brother. The other thing is my wife told me about 10 years ago that she thought her dad may have molested her when she was a little girl. I told her that it did not change the way I felt about her and that it was not her fault (little girls can't control what their parents do to them). She never would talk about it again. When I would bring it up, she just said I don't think it happened.

BHINWI

from your post it may be that your wife is suffering some kind of behavioural disorder.
Seems very hard to understand how she could 'fall in love' with someone who barely spoke to her and wanted little to do with her, all in ONE day!

Of course she would be vunerable for any predator and has had at least 3 affairs, dont be too unprepared to learn it may have been more if this is indeed the case.

Ok you've filed for Dv BUT what do you want?

I assume you are asking for help because you DONT want to really divorce is that right?

Well I'd have to say until she addresses what her issues are which seems to allow her to do this you will probably find it very difficult to win her back.

But you have to start somewhere so first of all read the info on this site then look at getting his needs her needs by Harley & Surviving an Affair, by Drs. Harley and Chalmers.

This will help you understand the affair process & common dynamics.

If you can slow the Dv up you may wish to do this to give you some time to work on the marriage using the MB principles.
With multiple affairs it would appear there are some deep seated issues that require to be resolved first.
I therefore suggest you contact Steve harley here on this site to discuss the issues in your M in depth and work on some solid plan to fight for it.
Maybe you have been a conflict avoider and your WW feels she can do what she likes, could be many things so get some EXPERT advice.
You can arrange that by clicking on the following link

Counseling Center

I feel its beyond non expert advice right now.

However once a plan is in place you can vent here, discuss, talk, whateveer as the need srises.