My WH is a packrat and I've been doing the "FlyLady" method of getting house in order. Sorting thru all his boxes of *stuff* is an enormous task, but have been making good progress. 2 days ago I discovered (first) a letter from an old flame that I know was very important to him, dated a month after my brain tumor surgery 7 yrs ago. She referred to contact he had made with her and offered to meet him in another city/state. I was a mess reading this letter and stormed around the house (he wasn't home at all that eve. but my kids were) and wrote a furious 2 page letter to him, accusing him of cheating, at the very least emotionally, with her (I couldn't see how they would have been physically together at that time since she lives across the country). Then, the other very large shoe dropped. I found a benign looking manilla envelope, but it was filled with MANY letters from yet Another woman, dated 2 years later (5 yrs ago now), detailing their trysts. In person! VERY Physical! The letters were dated for 2 months, but when I confronted my WH, he said it lasted for A YEAR!! I was cut off at the knees!! How dare he!! I'm a wreck over this. He ended it and has had only occasional (they semi-annually perform with the same large musical group) contact with her.
I've searched all over this website and can't find a place where people talk about discovering an affair years after it is over.
While I was questioning him, he admitted to another EA online. He also has a porn addiction. He is compliant, apologetic, and has agreed to be rid of all that stuff and is limiting his online time.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm glad you found us. There are many here who find out about old affairs (mostly when they discover new affair).

How is your marriage apart from the affair?

I'm not sure how to answer that. Nothing is normal now. How's is the marriage otherwise? i've no idea. Is there any "otherwise"? everything is colored now. If you mean, is there abuse, then no. Nothing like that. Do we care for each other? yes. Today he said we should spend more time together--fun stuff, without the kids. We've never spent much time that way--he's so busy, working and performing, me working parttime and 3 kids to care for, very little extra money....we've put "us" on the back burner for too long, i guess. He's really had a wakeup call, tho, and has bent over backwards trying to make me feel better these last couple days. He says it's definitely NOT my fault, it's all on him. He admits he's immature and needs therapy. He bought an e-book yesterday and is reading it--obviously putting into practice their advice. He's been more helpful around the house, cooking, laundry, tending the fire, caring for the kids, etc than Ever--i mean EVER. Always my jobs. He's really trying, i'll give him that. He even told me I'm beautiful this morning, which i' haven't heard from him in a Really Long Time--years!
I really believe there's hope. But then. I remember what he did. His body and her body and i feel sick. dirty. disgusted. so icky i can't stand it. when i think about it i feel sick to my stomach.
i can't eat.
no problem; i needed to lose 5 pounds anyway LOL
yeah, right. I feel like !$#!$# total garbage. but i'm so not. i'm really a good person. not bad. not ugly. not stupid. not selfish. not.......why, how could he do this to me!

Hi Marnie

Sorry about your crappy clean up day.

I learned about my h's affairs this fall, 11 and 14 years after they happened. It is normal to feel as if the affair happened yesterday, even though it happened years ago.

My husband is a recovering sex addict. He was also acting on his addiction to porn. I know that that hurts like h@ll too.

I am going to reiterate what I was told when I started posting (not too long ago). Read as much of the website -- all the articles that you can. The policy of radical honesty might be very important to you, and carry a lot of meaning. It sure did to me. Find a good pro-M counsellor, it you don't have one already. Keep reading and posting. Lots of experience, knowledge, wisdom and caring here.

falling rain