I am new to this site and have read through everything...which has been helpful except that I still don't feel great. I have talked to friends and they have been supportive. I have sought help through my church and that has not been helpful. One of the hardest parts is that my husband still thinks that he has done nothing wrong.

He is having an emotional affair with a co-worker from 7 years ago. I first found out by going into his email and finding a love poem he wrote inspired by her. He said that I am misinterpreting it, but there are phrases in there like "I feel closer to you than I’ve ever felt to anyone else. You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are wise. You are funny." I know going into his email was wrong but I knew something was going wrong and did not know what else to do. I had been asking if he was seeing this OW and he denied several times during the fall '04. After this email I confronted him and he said that she is his best friend and they had spent a few Saturdays together. I have been finding out more and more things. They exchanged xmas gifts(vodka, I think a thong, toe ring, breakfast while getting my cd player in my car), she has sent at least 2 cookie bouqets to his work, several thank you notes, exchanged several phone calls on the cell phone (she has the same service so there are free minutes), these calls had been daily until I got the phone bill and highlighted all the calls and presented them to him. He took her to a neighboring city (1.5 hours away) to visit some of his high school friends on a day that I had a baking day with friends. He never invited me or told me about this trip until I found another email from him to his friend thanking him for the pictures he took of OW and him while at the park with friend, friend's son and wife. This friend was the best man at our wedding.

I have tried to tell him about how all of this hurts me and he says that I am overreacting and am a jealous psycho wife. He said that the problem is not her and since it is not her that I need to drop this subject. I told him that I agreed it is not her but that her involved does not make things any easier.

I am so overwhelmed by all of this. He will not go to a marriage counselor and got mad at me when I consulted our priest, who told him that what he is doing is wrong. My husband says the priest is just too old-fashioned.

I tried talking to his mom and she agreed with him and said that I am overreacting and being too sensitive about the whole thing.

I have trouble sleeping, going to work and eating. I am so overly focused on this thing, I hate it. I try to pray.

My husband is now in his "busy" season and he and his mom advised for me to drop this until it is over, which is supposed to be in May! I think this is unreasonable. I have been trying to not attack my husband and be nice, but it hurts and is so hard to do.

Thanks for reading.

I am not sure if this is the right way to handle it, so you might want to post elsewhere, but IMHO, DO NOT DROP IT! He is having an EA, and those do lead to PA. If it hasn't already. Keep exposing it for what it is.

bottledup,

I agree with truetoself. Even if it is "just" an emotional affair. Many people that are involved in them think that as long as it's not physical, then it is okay.
In my opinion, it is is wrong for any married person to be sending emails, text messages, getting together, exchanging gift etc to a person of the opposite sex. When they are hiding it from the spouse, they must know that they are wrong also, otherwise they would not be hiding it!!

My husband had an emotional and a physical affair. the physical part is over the emotional part lingers on and to me that hurts even more than the physical part did. Because the heart is involved! Good luck and dont drop it. You deserve to know the truth.

Your right it is a EA. If I didn't know better I would say it was your H and my W. Hang in there. I started going threw the same thing last may and it wasn't untill xmas my wife started to see where she was going wrong. Unfortinately he still doesn't think anything was inapropriate. What did you preacher and elders say about the poem and other evidence? Mine where shocked since the OM was in our church. Members started to ask questions about there actions. Does your husband have any friends in the church that could talk to him. He really needs to read a book called Point Man by Steve Farrar Chapter three is Real Men Don't. It defines a A as an escape from reality or a search for fillfilment outside the marriage. And that is exactly what his EA is. My prayers are with you and your family to include your H.

Suzychapstick is right he knows his "secret life" is wrong and he knows it hurts you. He is just so hooked on his emotions for her he will deny and rationalize it away.

My heart aches for you. I would be VERY surprised if he is being truthful with you and only having an emotional affair. My husband held strong to that theory for weeks, even admitting that it was wrong, but swearing he didn't go further. He did.

3 things to think about. A wise friend told me he would first admit to the tip of the iceberg, then the whole iceberg. That is EXACTLY what happened. After I spoke to the OW and she confirmed everything he had to admit it.

Secondly, what will you do if you find out it is true? That is what my wise friend had me think about. It didn't help the blow of finding out, but I did have an action plan in place.

Lastly, my husband tells me now and our MC confirms that the wandering spouse will often lie until the last possible moment out of fear of what you will do when you find out. My H was certain I would divorce him and he never wanted a divorce. So he lied until he couldn't anymore. That might be your H motive as well. To keep you.

You are NOT over-reacting. Who cares if this is busy season and a bad time for him? Isn't your marriage most important?

Good luck

I told my wife I didn't want a D even if it was a PA. I just needed the truth to move on to rebuilding our relationship and trust. After not getteng mad at her and even trying to understand her situation(her in the states and me in europe for 2 yrs 14 mo down) and how this could happen she started to open up and tell me the truth. Of course I had to catch her in lies first but eventually she came around.

It has been helpful to hear that I am not overreacting. My friends have told me this, but most of them are single.

After my MIL talked to my H he said that he was angry for bringing other people into this. I have been telling him that we cannot work this out ourselves. After I told him I talked to our priest, he blamed me for trying to get him kicked out of the church and ruining the whole experience for him. I think it is his guilt talking to him. I have tried my best to not fuel these digs at me, but it hurts, so I try to cry silently...this is very frustrating to him.

I went to work with him last weekend as I had a licensure exam to work on, so I stayed silent in the office next to his. He later then asked if I was monitoring him, eventhough we used to do things like this all the time when we were first married. Although, I have to admit it was nice knowing where he was.

I tried to do the same thing this weekend, but he said too many others were going to be in the office. On Sun. I thought he and I could go to bfast before he went in, but he was too busy. This morning I found a receipt for breakfast, although it was the cost for 1 bfast. I had called him at the office and he lied about being anywhere before going to the office. This got me mad all over, mainly because in the 10 years that I have known him, he has not gone out to a meal by himself. OW lives 1 hour away, but I could see her coming down here.

I try to greet him at the door with a hug and a kiss and he interogates me as to why I am doing this. I simply tell him I love him, which I do.

This morning we got into a scuff because it was more important to shovel the sidewalk instead of saying goodbye with a hug and a kiss. Again he told me to "stop doing this to him" (crying and feeling sad).

I got through today, but going home is hard. I pray before coming in to work and going home for strength just to make it through another 24 hours. I hate being home because I am afraid of the next thing I find.

You ruined what experiance for him? The EA! Ahw aint that to bad. Now that I don't have any pitty for him lets move on. Don't give up. I know it hurts and he knows what his feelings are. He may not want to admit it but he knows. It won't be easy for him to give them up just as it isn't easy for you to give up the feelings you have for him. Other wise that bum would be on the street. Please don't get mad that I called your H a name. I'm just mad becuase no one should be betrayed like this. Really don't give up on your love. I hope he comes around and turns into the best husband in the world.

What do you think your love for him reminds him of how he is betraying you so he pushes you away so he don't hurt. I don't know but it that is my hunch. That and he isn't ready to give this up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Not mad at the name, actually brought a chuckle to my day. He can be such a fool. I won't give up.

I am so not looking forward to Valentine's. Thinking about it makes me want to vomit. I used to hate this day growing up, but in college I kinda claimed it as just a day of love, something I could control. Then when I met H, it became that much more, because then I had my best friend to share it with. He told me that we are not even friends any more, but claims to still love me.

I already placed an order of flowers for him. He used to say that he hated flowers until I saw a single dried rose on his monitor last weekend. For our 5th anniv I asked if I could send him flowers and he said no, so I sent a cookie bouquet instead. Last weekend he said that he loves flowers and buys them for himself from time to time and this rose was one of them.

I put a clementine in his brief case yesterday with a little love note on it.

It is so hard to keep up with this stuff when you carry around so much stuff inside.

How are you trying to reframe Valentine's?

I'm lucky I guess. My wife and youngest son arrive here in europe for a two week visit. They leave on valentine's. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> This will be our xmas. I've got a tree up for them but I haven't wrapped all th present yet. I have so many things for her I'm going to spread the valentine gifts over a few day's. I'm so excited (and nervous) that I won't sleep tonight. Thats nothing new of course. Heres you a <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> for valentine's. I hope he is kind to you then. Keep the chin up.

My wife was like a giddy scool girl every time she seen him. Right in front of me! I could tell every time he called just by her reaction when she answered the phone. One time right in front of me he wiped some paint of her cheek and she melted right there. I could see it in her eye's. They acted as if I wasn't there and we were standing there having a conversation. So as you see I understand how they act the fool.

bottledup
This is so sad to meet you under these circumstances but you have come to the right place. There are many of us here who have gone through and are going through what you are now doing.
I sounds as if your husband is still looking through the fog not knowing what he wants. I would also not be surprised if the affair has moved beyond the emotional part. If it has not it still will be hard for you and him to recover but it is indeed possible. He must first come clean with you as to the extent of the affair and then commit himself to repairing your relationship. This will be difficult for him with a fog filled mind. You need to set time limits in your mind which are not spoken and draft a plan to help him out of the fog. Yes I said help him! You are the innocent person in this whole mess but yet you must be the one to help him out first to end this affair with No Contact as your first priority. Only after the contact stops can either of you begin to repairing and recovering your marriage. Understand the lies and deception goes with the planet he has been on and you and him need to work through the alien terrain together to find your ship and leave.
It is so sad people do this to the ones they love the most but it can be better if both work toward that goal.
Hang in there and understand we are here for you and willing to listen and help guide you if you need us.

SM

Dear B,

You have come to the right place. You have already met, and will continue to meet a lot of wonderful, knowledgable folks who have down this awful road, and who will help you.

I am sorry to say that I, too, think the EA has gone further to a PA. Why? The thong. That gift is pretty intimate for 'just friends'. But, it doesn't matter, EA/PA, if your spouse is carrying on a secret R w/OW it is WRONG, pure & simple. An EA is as much a betrayal as a PA.

Your priest was RIGHT. Your mom-in-law is WRONG. She should be ashamed. She is an enabler. Tell her that. Explain it to her. I wouldn't be surprised if there had been an A in her M. There are many women in older generations who think women should 'look the other way'at infidelity. I was actually told this by a former boyfriend's mom when I split up w/him for cheating.

My H also thought that EA behavior was OK. This was after the PA had been exposed, and had been broken off. He broke NC, and was e-mailing w/the FOW. I snooped on the e-mails, and confronted him. Was he ever mad!!! He decided the OW was HIS best friend. "You invaded my privacy!!!", trying to make it about my snooping, rather than his lying to me about breaking NC. Guess what? There should be NO secrets in a M, so you CAN"T snoop on your H. If there is nothing to hide, he should be an open book to you.

So, when my H started this rant about his invaded privacy, I found my gumption, and stayed calm, and said "No, I invaded your secrecy. Secrecy has no place in a M. I used to be your best friend, your lover, everything. And that's what I want again. And I want it all, no compromises. Period." I knew that it was only a matter of time, that the EA would morph into a PA, just as their friendship (gag) had 'gotten out of control' in the first place.

It was hard. It was awful. My H and I HAD drifted apart. I had put the kids before him. I had gained weight (3 kids, 20 years, OK?).

So, I read all the stuff here, made us both take the EN questionnaire, lost 25 pounds, made the romantic dinners, everything. And, I asked for a NC letter (prior to this he had verbally done NC, but no letter). H didn't want to do it. I didn't make an ultimatum, just said how important it was to me. I even said (gag) how it was important for the OW, so she could start getting over him. The next day he did it. That was almost 5 months ago. It has held, and I do check e-mail and cell records all the time.

Our M is in recovery. We are doing a lot of great things with/for each other. We are falling back in love.

Would I ever want to go through this to have a better M? NONONONONO!!!!!

But, I am ever so grateful that we have been able to weather this storm and get to a better place.

You will be able to do it. Your H is deep in the fog -withdrawal, denial. Keep up the pressure. Print off the articles here. Buy the books.

Good luck! And blessings,
------------------------------------------------me-50 FHW-44 M-20 yrs 3 kids
A-2/03-5/04 Fog-5/05-9/04 NC ltr 9/3/04
In recovery with God's help

Thank you all!

I have been printing articles about EA since I first found out and him denying that it was nothing. He has not read them though--no time you see <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> busy season. I just don't get how busy season is so much more important than our marriage. So many things have been more important over the years.

I saw this coming a mile away and had been recommending counseling. I'm a mental health therapist <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Going to work and helping others is just this side of a miracle. I am so thankful for supervision and am seeking help for myself.

From the first time I met her, I just had this horrible feeling. I don't think anything had been going on until this summer. I have looked and found nothing.

I know he is in a fog and clouded by anything she says. When I first found the love poem, he had the audacity to ask me if it was a good one! I was an English major in undergrad. I seriously thought I was going to attack him. The worst thing I did was throw a tissue box.

I keep going over in my head, what did I do to make him go to her? Then I think, I had this opp about 4 years ago and stopped it dead in its tracks after only meeting this person for a conference. The OM did not like it when I told him I was married and could not share conversations with him at such an intimate level (not sexual, but telling of who I was at my inner core). I told my husband this and he did not think it was a big deal. I beat myself up for liking the nice things this person told me about me.

You're right about my MIL. FIL had a PA and I had this feeling it happened and was recently confirmed by her sister, who has been a GREAT support to me and vital in trying to understand this mess.

H is not the man I married. I try and look at him like an alien has taken over. My emotions are still so raw and at times I just want to unload, but know that will only send him further into her clutches. When I sent the letter to her I said that I could not refer to her as a person as the most horrific person had more compassion and integrity than her. I can be very articulate when driven by anger or joy. It was one of the best composed letters I've ever written.

He told me to stop badgering her and that she sent him an email saying she did not want to be his friend anymore because he pulled her into the middle of this. I don't believe they have lost contact yet.

When you said that your H got mad for snooping, this is what my H stays focused on. I like your line. I told H that he was just mad that he was found out, not that I got this poem. He does not know I got into his email.

Dear B,
Some will agree, some will not, but I firmly say this: Keep checking and don't tell him you're looking, at least right now. If he knows you're checking, he may get sneakier about hiding it.

Remember, he is sick right now. Sick, caught in the addiction of the A. You made those vows, 'in sickness and in health'. Well, guess what? You are being put to the test right now.

Your H is lucky to have you. Be there for him. Yes, you did not deserve this. But, you will be the one to get the recovery started.

Your H will thank you 6-9 months from now.

Hang in there. Be strong. Post here. We will help you.

(((((hugs and blessings)))

You are absolutely right in exposing the situation. In my own situation I went through the same thing. I find that my church, and her family were no help whatsoever. My church in particular just brushed the EA off they acknowledged that it was wrong but did'nt understand the seriousness of the EA. Regarding her family, her mother would forward messages to her from OM, so that really put her on my enemy list. I say keep checking for information, keep checking your cell phone bills, keep checking the emails on the computer, and seek a PROFESSIONAL counselor, Don't let them think that you're the one with the problem i know sometimes the WW can make you seem like you're crazy and that it's nothing for you to be concerned with. That's the farthest thing from the truth. Be Encouraged, Diligent and Strong.

I agree that you should keep checking up on him. Also agree that you shouldn't tell him that you're checking up, at least for now. He'll just find sneakier ways of doing things.

When I was younger I kept a journal that I wrote everything in. EVERYTHING. No one ever read it as it was my personal journal. A few years later someone did read it (I won't go into details, but I was very hurt). After that I started locking it in my lockbox and never leaving a key around. I had to find different ways of making sure that I could keep my personal stuff to myself.

I still keep a journal. The only person that would have access to it is my FI, and if he ever wanted to read it, he could. I don't keep anything from him.

The point, though, is that I found a way to be sneakier when I found out that someone had read my journal. Your H will find a way, too, if he knows you're checking up on him.

C

Hey Bottledup-I saw you posting and went back to read what's going on for you right now.
Hmmm, I will be harse. You need to find support (your family or friends) and ask your H to move out. Be kind, but if your "plan A" kindness is still making him treat you so poorly, perhaps he needs to look at you from the outside (of his home) in.
The no contact needs to be accomplished before you can heal your M. And so long as he has a nice warm, comfy home and a nice warm, comfy wife (whom he can't even hug or kiss at this time) he will remain in this warm, comfy A! He needs to get real with himself.
I am so sorry for all the pain you are feeling on a day to day basis. We have all been there, but I must honestly tell you, had my H not come clean to my degree that I required to workout our M, then I wanted to leave him or have him leave. This was not an ultimatum it was the only way I could breathe.