Well, unless a miracle happens, Randy and I are now living in a marriage made out of convenience.
We decided that a divorce is the best thing. I no longer want to be tied down to the unhappiness that this M brings.

I feel free but terrified. I am on high but I have not stepped into reality. Unfortunately, we cannot separate or get a divorce until I get on my feet. This is going to be hard. I have moved over the divorce forum and hopefully, I can get some good feedback there too.

I still hope I can help those who hurt badly from infidelity. I have been there and it took me a long time to figure out what I needed. All I can say it takes time to see the light. But why two years? LOL

So here is to a new step in my life. How ironic, right before my 35 b-day! Gulp <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> A new start?

Ali~

btw, I no longer hurt from his affair! I don't obsess over it anymore. IT WASN"T ME! IT WAS HIM!!!!

Congratulations! What a big move for you! I am glad for you that you have found what you need and can make a clear decision for yourself.

I am so not where you are right now. I'm taking baby steps at that whole idea of it's him and not me. It is good to hear that the pain does take a back seat to clearer thinking. I am new at this and still want the M and trying to hang in there.

I hope you continue moving quickly toward your decision and maintain this knowledge of self that you have worked hard in finding!

Ali,

How courageous you are! I've glad you've been able to come to a decision that's right for you.

How are you now? How are your kids? What other decisions have you made so far?

WOW........girl this was a shock to find.

Take your time,I know with me some days are hard,I feel alone and unsure but then I think of what life with my H is really like and I am glad not to be living that life anymore.

My H recieved his papers yesterday.Not sure what he thought,I guess now he knows that I was not bluffing.

You can do it girl,have faith.If I can make it on my own anyone can.

I'm here for you,just an email or phone call away.And hey.........maybe a trip to meet face to face in the near future.

God Bless

Good for you for doing what feels right.

C

Hi Everyone!
I know big and scary step!!!!

Well, today I am OK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . The more controlling he is the more motivated I feel. Something just snapped! I deserves so much better in my life and I am sick of him bringing me down because of his own issues. Enough is enough. Today, he told me that he is taking me off "his" checking account. Another form of control. He knows that I am dead serious about this. He threaten to take away the computer which I had purchased. Or cut off or Internet service. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Unbelievable. I can finally see the light. The thing is, I don't even argue back when he threatens me. I am soooooo tired of it! Why did it take sooo long to wake up and smell the coffee?

I am meeting with my old therapist today as a guide and a mentor. So I am excited about that. I just wish we can just expedite this faster. But I have to wait until my feet are on ground.

LOL, my lease is up on my Jeep and I have to buy a new car! I wonder how I can get him to buy one while we are in this state???

Thanks guys, I know the time has finally come and I feel so free of the burden. Now, if he will just move! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ali~

Ginger, I'll get back with you soon!

One more thing everyone!!!!!


LIVE LIKE YOU'RE DYING!!


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

You have a lot of strength in your post, I hope it gets you through the hard parts.

All the best to you, You may make the islands yet.

SS

Yes, but I am scared! Ever just want to run away?
That is how I feel. Just got to get away!

I will always love him because of the history that we shared. But the love that I have is not enough to carry me through an entire life time with him. I will miss the fun times that we had. It hurts to see that this is the end result of my marriage. Again, I have come to realize that his affair was not what killed our marriage, it was the final straw. A huge wake up call to the man tha the really is. I kept on believing that things will get better. But being realistic, he doesn't seem there is a problem. Yes, he had changed for a little bit and I thought things got somewhat better. But as fast as he changed, in a snap, he went right back to where he is comfortable. Through our MC, I remember him crying and telling me that he knows what to do and how sorry he was for putting through so much. And things went OK for a while, thought that there was hope! Then just like that, back to himself. So I am not sure if he was expecting me to change or if some magic fairy with pixie dust was going to tap him on the shoulder and tell him that he is cured of his marriage problems. Who knows? I had to figure this out on my own I guess!

Yes, right now I feel strong. But believe me I am scared! I know I will have to have support from him, but I am so afraid of failure! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

OK, had a rough day. Does anyone know what it is like to clean up a playroom and purge a lot of toys? I am exhausted! One of the parts about parenthood I hate! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ali~

Mai Tai anyone? I hear the ocean waves in my head singing to me! Take me away! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ February 04, 2005, 12:56 PM: Message edited by: SAB ]</small>

Yes, right now I feel strong. But believe me I am scared! I know I will have to have support from him, but I am so afraid of failure!

You're right. You are strong. You've done the hard part and succeeded! You stood up for yourself. Good for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !

Is there any way you can move on without his financial support? It would be great if you could. What kind of support were you thinking of?

Ali: could you check out my thread please and see you can offer any advice? Thanks.

Hi SAB.

At this time I am totally depended on him. We lost so much $$$ that I really need to stay here.

Though, I am working towards a major goal right now. I took the first step to financial freedom. I am excited and most definitely scared. I have never supported myself. But I am trying to stay focused. I get so scared and sometimes want to retreat back in a hole and live the life that I know.

There are days were I just don't feel strong. I feel like I have a huge front and I am nothing but mush inside. That is where my fear of failure comes in. I hate to fail and I don't like giving up. I guess I am a bit competitive too. I never really felt a major accomplishment in my life, I mean my own goals and such. I was young and "stupid" to put Randy ahead of me. And that is where I think I got into trouble. I forgot about me in the shuffle.

I will be happy to look over your thread. How are you doing otherwise?

Thanks SAB! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ali~

Ali - Long time no see or hear <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Your post made feel very conflicted emotions. I'm sorry that your marriage is ending and yet happy that you seem to be in a much better place these days. I still struggle and don't post much - although I have been the last two days! I hope that your kids are doing well and I know that you will not fail at anything you try to do - this is not your failure, it is his. He doesn't know what he is losing! Good Luck and email me sometime - I will be gone for about 10 days, but I promise to be better at responding!

Well, Howdy Stranger!

It is so good to hear from you again. I have a new e-adress. Are you still at yours? I can e you at my new one.

It is going to take awhile for me to get going. We are just roommates at this time. "Reality" hasn't hit me. Maybe because there are a few distractions??? Humm, we'll never know until I take that plunge. God help me!

Talk soon OK?

Ali~