In December 2003, I discovered that my husband (H) had been involved with another woman and I was almost completely emotionally ruined over it. Looking back, I guess that the signs had been pretty obvious. At the time I found out, it was already over, but frankly, that seemed to make very little difference to me. The OW was a very unattractive former college classmate who had occasionally been in contact with my husband. They had not been involved in college but were friends. As a friend, H had confided some of our private marital woes to OW. When her own marriage fell apart in January 2003, she suggested that H and her become intimate with no emotional strings attached. He seemed to think that he could do this without it affecting other aspects of his life. Of course because he is a decent man, he quickly realized that was not true, plus she immediately wanted the whole ball of wax and started to pressure him to leave me. According to him, he tried to break it off for months during which she repeatedly threatened to tell me if he did. I should mention that on several occasions she actually showed up in his office which is significan since we live on the East Coast and she on the West Coast. He finally told her that it was over no matter what she did. I guess what I am trying to get out is that even though I know that he loves me and has had no contact with her at all for more than a year and never plans on any future contact, and I think that I have forgiven him, I am still hurting and almost obsessed with the thought of his betrayl. Is this normal more than a year later?

Dear Diane,

I am not as far along in the process as you, but I think what you are experiencing is normal.

Every day I feel better than the day/week/month before. But, there is still pain. I mean, for goodness' sake, the person I/you loved/trusted in/believed in/counted on most broke his most sacred vows. Period.

I know my H regrets most severely his A. He has told me that he, too, tried to break it of several (3) times. While the OW didn't threaten to expose in our case, she manipulated him to keep things going. Was it ridiculous? Yes! Was it incredib;y stupid?Yes! Was it the most thoughtless, callous thing he ever did in his life? YES!!! In retrospect he cannot believe any of this even ever happened to him/us.

While I am really grateful that we have this second chance for our M, there are moments when I feel deep sadness. Another similarity in our stories is that my H also shared our private marital issues with the OW. Knowing that is as bad for me as the P part of the A. Of course, she twisted these issues around, making me sound like a conniving witch. It was so bad that, while early on after Dday - deep in the Fog, my H stated that he'd always suspected I'd tricked him into marrying him. Reality: NOTHING like that EVER happened.

Bottom line: WSs are delusional. They are sick. We BSs are the ones to kick start the recovery.

Sadness comes with the territory. I think it will lessen over time. Every one is different.

Good luck and blessings
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me-50 FWH-44 M-20 yrs 3 kids
A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 Fog-5/04-9/04 NC ltr 9/3/04
In recovery with God's help

Welcome To MB, I'd rather you weren't here under these circumstances but you have landed in a good place.

Have the two of you discussed the affair openly? It sounds as there is some doubt in your post and that you have some questions you'd still like answered.
Have you brought this up to your H, if so, how did he react?
Any counseling?

It has been over a year since my wife ended her affair with the OM. While I woundn't say I obsess about it now there was a time not too long ago when there were reminders daily.
I know it is easier said than done but try and steer your thoughts differently. I know that we can't always stop the thought from popping in but we can stop dwelling on it.

I bet right now if I thought about it I could make myself really angry. Most folks here could.

Is it normal......hell yeah its normal (whats normal?) You went through something very traumatic and like any wound, it needs to be treated to heal. Sometimes it needs a dressing, sometimes it needs exposeure to the air. Talking about it is a good way to start.

God Bless,

Doug