I am new here too. Boy, never knew how big of a club I belong to! I need some advice and from reading posts and articles here, this seems to be the best place to do it. Please see my 'signature' for other details first. Here's my story...

I've known from his mouth for a month now, but knew in my gut he was having an A for much longer. I found out later that we were both just trying to make it thru the holidays, and we almost did.

All the signs were there. Late nights at the office which lead to drinks with the 'crew' afterwards because he 'knew I would be sleeping anyway', deleting all the incoming and outgoing cell phone numbers, sudden and drastic weight loss, no communication at all during the day. I just didn't want to believe it. Just as I read most of you felt.

He says he wants to save the marriage, even after asking me for a D two days after he told me. I'm not so sure he really does want to save it. The A has left him suspended from work, (which the boss, also our brother-in-law, says he will be coming back to work just not in the same capasity) While on suspension I told him he must find a new job. So that has become his new full time job. Sending and dropping off resumes and going on interviews. (Which I'm not altogether sure that's the ONLY thing he's doing.) I digress...

My 40th birthday was 12-15. Did I get a card, anything?? No. Just seen him long enough to take my visiting sister to the airport. Then from there, 'back to the office'. Didn't see him again until his usual arrival time at 1 a.m. I'm not going to bore you with the obvious pain and hurt this all has caused, because you all know that already.

He still talks to her 'occasionally'. She has since quit her job at the office, so that helps a little. I told him I can not start to try and make this marriage work until he cuts all communication off with her. He just shakes his head in understandment but I know still at the very least he still speaks to her. He says it doesn't go any futher than that.

Everytime I think we have a decent day, the next day one of us has a bad day. It is almost as if we won't let ourselves get over it.

There hasn't been any intimacy for years, but we used to joke about our 'nice kisses' (you know the ones) as being our whoopie. I used to think it was because the kids were young and we never knew when they would pop in the bedroom. Then I thought it was because we gained weight and we were both self-conscious about that. Then I thought it was because I went off the pill because we couldn't afford the extra monthly bill and I was cutting corners every place I could. (neither of use enjoy condoms)

During the A, we bought our very first house, which he never planned on living in. I feel like that was a lie. How could he have me sign papers to such a hugh commitment knowing full well he was going to ask me for a divorse after the hoilidays?

He said the reason for the affair was because we were living like friends, not a married couple. And the OW was at the right place at the right time. When he moved out for a while, he told the kids that we still love each other only as best friends not the way a married couple do. He put words into my mouth. The kids were devastated to say the least. Everyone was balling.

We have only talked about the A, talked about the possibility of getting fired, about finding a new job and the drama at work both related to this and not.

I can not get him to talk to me about how to fix this marriage or what needs I haven't met for him. I have needs too that haven't been met also and it just isn't the sex part. I can't get him to open up. I've written him letters and try to get him to converse with me. There has been very little yelling.

The kicker came last night when I point-blanked him and asked him if this was the only time he's had an A. He said no. But wouldn't go any further. Bone crushing!

Now what?

The only good thing about this A is that we both had a good jump start on losing weight. I'm down 25lbs and he's down over 50. He had a head start on me though. LOL! (Gotta laugh because I'm so sick of crying!)

Thanks for reading
drained

drainedinfl, I'm not really sure of your question but you seem to have your emotions reasonably under control. I would suggest that you be vigilant in making certain that there is no contact. Otherwise you're wasting your breath talking to him. Once NC is established I think you will be able to better determine where you and H are. Then if he continues to improve and express interest in healing the M, I think the situation screams for professional MC. You obviously didn't get here overnight and from the description you give it seems like there is a fair amount of work to do. You admit you have been missing somethings as well as your H.

The age difference in the A, would seemingly suggest that it is not likely to continue in my opinion. It can be a long road back but certainly well worth it.

WOE

Thanks Woe.
My question is how to handle muliple affairs. I knew we hit some bumps in the road during the marriage, but I felt we got over them. Now I know that those bumps were affairs.
My emotions have to be kept in check at least for the kids sake. He is a wonderful dad and the kids idolize him.

And again, the trust just isn't there. How do you ever believe anything anymore. It was a little easier when I knew about the recent A, now I have others to think about. Is he going to start looking everytime he gets upset with me?
Everyone thought our marrage was the best, most whoilesome thing they had ever seen and that my H would have been the last person expected to have a A.
Have to go pick up DD at the bus stop. More later.

Drained, now you know what WOE stands for. Again you seem pretty level headed considering what you're going through. That's great - you will need it.

I don't know how to differentiate between single and multiple but I have been through consecutive A's. My W went from one to the other but I was there every step of the way. What I mean is that it was like watching someone fall into quicksand and I was powerless to help. So having seen how it happens makes me more empathetic. It really was not about the other person but rather you spouse. The are missing something and you both need to determine what that is to fix it. I think if you work together it can be done. But you cannot do this alone while H remains silent. He needs to help you and answer your questions. Not sure if you can afford it but I really like the counselling with Steve Harley. He is expensive but it is worth it. He will put one or both of you on the phone as needed and can very quickly assess the situation and provide solid answers.

Another suggestion which you have probably already figured out is that you need to be posting on GQ as it gets much more traffic than Just Found Out. I have been struggling for a long time and only recently got my W to end contact with OM so I have been through what you are going through and I can honestly say it never once occurred to me to give up. And it has been worth it. As you said you H is a hero to those kids and you need to exhaust every option before you even consider giving up.

I'll try to follow this thread and help if I can.

WOE