Hi,
This is my first post. Been up all night. My husband is sleeping soundly. I guess he who lies sleeps better than she who doesn't. Ironic.

Sorry, but I am feeling so down. I am so confused : so many worries, so much emotion, so many lies, so much betrayal, so much love. I can’t go into the details...I’m too tired…perhaps another time. I am just here to cry on someone’s shoulder.

I am have been married for 11 months and 2 weeks and I have a beautiful 7 month old daughter. I am an attractive and young looking 39 year old. I am warm and engaging and have a great sense of style. I am bright, passionate and able to pursue and persevere until I reach my goal. I have many friends who adore me and would do anything for me. I have a good stable job. I am healthy and happy (well...I was before all this). I will be happy again. I love to cuddle and share romantic times...and I appreciate and value above all else...the “little things” in life. I adore my sweet pup. I am open-minded and traditional. I believe in love and romance and happily ever after. I believe we can all be with someone who absolutely adores everything about us and treasures our heart as if it were his own. We just have to believe we can be.
(I just re-read this last paragraph and it sounds like an ad for a dating service...lol...)

I am just trying to remember who I was not too long ago.

The tears are rolling down my face. I want to be free……free from all this worry. I want to sleep at night. I want to hear people tell me..."my, you have a beautiful smile"...as I often heard in the past. I want to laugh out loud again...haven’t done that in ages. I want the aching and the tears to stop. I want my prayers answered. I want my daughter to be happy. I want her to see the joy in her mother’s eyes….not the pain.
I don’t know what else to say. I just know I need comfort.
Thanx...

Seeking Truth

Sorry too meet you this way but if there are infidelity problems within your relationship the you came to the right place. There are many here that can help you.
Your post does not have any explanation to what you suspect has happened or what was told to you for you feel this way.
You might want to explain to us what happened or is happening.

SM

I am so glad to see that you are able to list all the great qualities you know about yourself. I have done this for myself on good days in the past not knowing that I would need it in the worst way someday.

I know the feelings you described. I am new to this group and just started posting as well. It has been helpful and good to vent so that it is not seeping too much into other parts of my life.

I hope you get some sleep. I will keep you in my thoughts, this is a rough time and I have needed every thought a prayers I can muster from myself and others. Hang in there. Find one thing tomorrow about you or your day that makes life good again.

Im'sorry you find yourself in this situation. Please feel free to share your experience when you are ready. We are here for each other. Take care.

Thanx for the support.

As for what happened....

I went on a 2 week holiday, in late November to visit family with my daughter. While away, my husband forwarded me an e-mail he had written to someone. He forwarded it to me by accident. He had visited a porn site and wrote an e-mail to a woman telling her how attractive she was and asked her, that as she lived in the same city, would she consider meeting members. Needless to say, I was devastated. I had barely left, only 2 days gone, and he was on the prowl to have sex with another woman. Someone about 15 years his senior.

There are 2 concerns here for me....

1. that he was looking to have a sexual rendezvous with a stranger when he is a married man
2. that he has a fetish for older women. (10 - 15 years older than him)

Since this happened, I have come to learn that my husband has had sex with much older women in the past. I had suspected something because when we were dating, he went to visit a woman and shared a glass of wine with her....I found out and was upset. He said it was nothing, she was someone he met on-line years ago, that they were just friends, and that I was being silly....after all...she was "an old lady". This incident always bugged me.....something inside told me there was a lot more to this story. I have come to learn now, after marrying and having a daughter with this man, that not only had he had, in the past, sex with this woman, they had been in an ongoing type relationship....(apparently though....he says it had ended before he met me,....that they maintained a friendship). I am not sure they were just friends...and I have no idea whether or not they exchanged any physical affection/relations that evening he says they had just shared a glass of wine. I am digressing, but trying to explain that I fear my husband not only is incapable of being faithful, he also has a fetish I can never fulfill. Thirdly, the porn site he visited, is one he has visited regularly in the past. I suspect it is an addiction of sorts. He has offered to look into this, but I am not sure he understands it himself. As I have just had our baby, I am still carrying extra weight. He is no longer attracted to me. He never has been attracted to anything but slim women. This is a problem. Since I became pregnant, we have rarely been intimate, yet both my husband and I are very passionate people and desire a strong sexual relationship. He gave me many excuses when I was pregnant, saying he was tired, stressed...blah blah blah, but in reality he wanted sex, just not with me. That is why I would often find that he had spent many hours looking at porn on our computer while his pregnant wife lied in bed alone, crying and knowing her husband was jerking off to other women. I never told him I knew what he was doing. He swears he loves me and finds me attractive, but I know different. I am not blaming myself. I know who and what I am, and I know that many, many men find me physically attractive. Although I have been at a low since our marriage took a turn for the worse, I am still the woman I described initially. This is not about me not being good enough, for I know, and my husband knows, that I am a good catch. This is not about me. I have come to realize that my husband has some issue with sex, romance, emotional closeness...I have not figured it out yet...but something is just not right.

When I read the e-mail, my husband was horrified. Horrified that I found out what he had done and horrified that I knew about his secret interest in older women. He was full of remorse and regret. He told me he loved me more than anything and could not bear a life without me and our daughter. He cried and wrote me long e-mails. He went to confession. He found Marriage Builders. He sent me flowers in Europe where I was vacationing. He phoned me almost daily. He swore he never intended to go through with it...that it was about the thrill of getting a response. (But I have since learned that he also communicated with other younger women on the same site and offered to buy one of them lingerie...again I saw an e-mail a girl sent him). He swears he has never chatted with anyone on porn sites, but has admitted to having had sex with one-night-stand women he has met on-line and also having phone / MSN sex-chats with women. This was a habit of his single days. I am concerned this habit has become not only an addiction, but an escape from his marital obligations and commitments.

My husband is a loving, caring man. He has always dreamed of having a wife and children. He longs to be happy and living in harmony with a woman who adores him. He tells me that he has loved 2 women before me, but has never loved either more than he loves me. He has told me numerous times that we are perfect for each other, that our obstacles can be overcome, and that I can trust him and in his love for me. He wants to grow old with me and swears he would never cheat on me.

My husband is also a man with a long sexual history. I do not. I did not know this before I married him. Although I suspected he was quite experienced based on his secretive nature, I did not know to what extent. My husband is also one who I suspect, has used women for sex. He will be 37 this year, and other than our relationship, he has had only 1 long term relationship. He lived with a woman for 2 1/2 years, they never married. He has never opened up to me about this relationship, nor any of his other short-lived relationships. He is very secretive. I am a very good listener and have managed to put bits and pieces of tid-bits of stories he has told me together, but his past relationships remain largely a mystery. Why? What kind of man is my husband? What is ironic, is that my husband says he has been keeping journals for years. Why would a man, who keeps journals around, knowing that one day someone will read them and yet be so secretive with his wife? I have never seen his journals and I know nothing of their contents, but I suspect that they are laden with stories of his sexual conquests...for that can be the only reason he will not show them to me. This hurts. First that he refuses to share his life stories with me, yet he keeps these stories around for others to read. He has told me that he does not want his wife or children to read these journals, only his grandchildren. This is concerning. Again, I digress,

When I got home form my trip. My husband was so loving and kind, I was angry and distant and indifferent. He told me he would do anything and everything to keep me. He told me about this wonderful site called Marriage Builders and how he felt that Radical Honesty would save our marriage. He told me how he was prepared to finally open up to me and share everything with me. He told me how he understood that it would take years to earn my trust again. He knew I would constantly feel the need to look over my shoulder. He offered me all his e-mails passwords. He says he would seek couselling for sexual addiction. In short, he would do anything in the world for me. He told me he loved me more than anything or anyone. We saw our marriage counselor and I told him I needed a break to think. Some space. We did not separate - the night before he was about to go find an apartment, I told him that he did not have to leave if he didn’t want to. of course, he did not want to leave. I re-assured him that I still loved him. By then, my husband and I had already been worn out from all the fighting. Anyway, long story short, after only less than 3 weeks after he first professed his never-ending love for me, I realized my husband’s strength of conviction about how much he loved me was not so strong. And today, I am not even sure what he feels. You see, I was cold and distant and very angry. I was pushing him away and seeing if he truly did love me the way he said. I guess I was testing him. Although I was not aware what I was doing this, but I must have felt I had to, because a man who strays must be tested. I wanted to know how much he really loved me, for how could I believe the words of devotion he spoke to me when I kept re-reading the words of lust he wrote to women on the net who sell their bodies for money.

I have come a long way. I have come from thinking it was over, being relieved about it and wanting to get out as soon as possible...to realizing that I do in fact still love this man and want this marriage to work. It is now I who is suggesting Marriage Builders as a road to recovery and although he still seems interested, we never seem to “get around” to reading this site together. Also, this man, who told me he wanted to share everything with me, is now claming up again.

So here we are...the betrayed one is now pursuing the betrayer. Ironic and sad isn’t it? Am I making a huge mistake?

I guess I need advice. I know this site is full of people devastated by affairs and sexual addictions. I have read so many stories and wonder why some people stay with wayward spouses when it is so clear in their stories that they are not loved or respected. If they left, they would be much happier than experiencing the misery they live by staying with someone who has sucked the life out of them by their lies and betrayal. Rarely are these people told to leave. I definitely know that I will find understanding and comfort here on this site, but will I find someone who will tell me the truth?

I can only speak for myself why I stayed with my H after his affair. It took me a very long time, 2 years to realize that his affair was as I like to call it, the icing on the cake. Us BS go through a fog as well. We live in a land where we just live day to day. Almost like auto pilot. The pain is so unbearable that we just shut the pain out. But it still felt through the triggers and the moments of vulnerbility.

I stayed because I was afraid. My world turned upside down and I was very much afraid of change. Although, our lives changed way before the day he decided to cheat, I didn't fully understand that yet. But as each day continued, I realized that I was so unhappy. Not only of his affair but because I was missing something. I lost my idenity. But I also realized that I lost it way before his A. His affair made me learn so much about myself and what my goals in life are. I was never "allowed" to chase my goals and dreams because he always came first. I put so much effort into him that I lost myself. I never became bitter because I never realized it until a few short months ago. So,I was so afraid of the changes that were going around. And then if you think about it. An affair is almost like rejection. Who wants to be rejected? Especially from your SP?. So you do everything in your right mind to make sure he knows what he is giving up.

I hope this gives you some sort of idea. The best suggestion I can give you at this time to deal with the hurts is to journal them down. It is awesome therapy! It lets out so much emotion that is bottled up. Also post on here and read as much as possible. I have been posting for almost two years now and it has helped me so much. Reading others and viewing the responses helped me to be where I am at today. It feels so good. Unfortunately, my H. still doesn't "get it".
Ha, we'll see what happens soon. He will get a good old cold awakening. He he hee! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Oh yeah, a good therapist helps too. The feed back and hearing yourself talk? It is amazing what you figure out in sessions.

Good luck and please continue to post

Ali~

Hi Ali88

Thank you for your words of support. I tried to read "between the lines" of the advice you were giving me.

Are you trying to tell me that I should start focusing on me again and in becoming the best I can possibly be, so that if this happens again, I will be strong enough to say enough is enough...I am out of here! Making sure that I take care of myself and work once again on becoming the person I was so that if he strays once again, I can leave him immediately and do so with the confidence that I can and will again find peace and happiness with someone else? Is this what you are saying?

I looked at your story and just read that you are finally saying goodbye to your wayward husband. I know you are scared but relieved to have finally made the decision to leave. You will be fine, in fact, I know you will be blissful! You have learned so much from the pain his betrayal has inflicted upon you. You deserve a devoted and loving husband. YOu will be happy again....hang in there. I truly wish you the best.

As for me, I still love my husband and long for the husband I married 1 year ago on Valentine's Day. When I married him, I truly believed it would last forever and this was the man that would protect me and be devoted to me to his death. I truly, truly believed this with all my heart. I felt so protected by him and so loved. I felt "married"....I felt like his "wife"...that he was my "husband". When he held my hand or placed his arm around me, it felt like superman was holding me. It sounds so corny as I write this, but it is true. I felt like a little girl around him and all I wanted to do was love him, make him smile and show him how much I respected and admired him. This was the husband I married. As my first anniversary approaches, my heart has experienced so much pain and anguish, my mind so much worry and concern. As I look into my daughter's eyes, I pray that God will restore that which has been lost...and make everything as it was.....if not better than ever.

Here I am again, a late night, still can't sleep. He is snoring away peacefully. I will write another longgggg e-mail...

I am starting to feel numb again. This scares me...numbness precedes indifference. I don't know what to do. Shall I stop trying and putting in effort and instead, place all hope for reconciliation onto my husband’s shoulders?

Shortly after I discovered his lies and betrayal, he was prepared to prove his everlasting love to me and willing do anything to keep me...anything. Now, only 2 months since this profession of “love ‘til death do us part”, and 3 days before our first wedding anniversary, he tells me that he hasn't really planned anything yet....just hasn't gotten around to it. This cannot be a man who will do anything to win back his wife's heart and trust...is he? Should this weekend not be one of the most important of his life? (And I am not exaggerating, for saving this marriage and restoring faith and love is in his daughter’s best interest...and in this manner...this is very important). Instead, he has been “too busy”. This week, he decided to work out after work. So, he has used this excuse to come home late a few times. I am not sure that each day he arrived late, he actually worked out. And I don’t know who he is working out with. I am not sure what he is doing. I am trying to trust him...and I think that for the most part I do...but my radar is definitely in high gear. (Actually...is it? I am starting to tire again...to feel numb again...I wonder about that radar...do I even care anymore?). Anyway, today he arrives home about 2 hours later than usual. He decided to stop by the store and do some shopping...he brought home a shirt he didn’t need.

Whether or not he is telling me the truth, it still stands that although he has managed to start a new activity this week and managed to go shopping, he claims he has had no time to plan our anniversary. He has had time....he just has not had the heart for it. And this is just not any anniversary, it is our first one after a very difficult first year of marriage. One that I thought he wanted to be special...when we could renew our vows and recommit to this marriage...but I guess...as this renewal thing was my suggestion...his heart is not truly in it. Mine was. This is why he hasn’t “gotten around to it”...to thinking about our anniversary and making it special. This is the cold reality. The truth hurts.

I feel foolish. I feel so, so, so stupid and weak. I guess it is reading all this Marriage Builder stuff...it really gives one hope. This must have been what he felt when he first found this site and he wanted my forgiveness and wanted to start rebuilding our relationship. He was excited about it and wanted me to read it. I just wasn’t there yet...too angry and feeling indifferent. Now that I am open and willing...his ship has passed.

I need to focus again on what happened. Please help me focus on the betrayal!! I have made some poor decisions lately, and I think it is because this site makes me feel hopeful and positive and it inspires a forgiving spirit...sometimes foolishly. I let my guard down with people I know hate me - I am speaking of my husband’s brother and wife here. I offered to try and make amends with them...it was not well received...I feel stupid and humiliated...but I honestly went with a pure spirit of forgiveness...I wanted peace and harmony for my husband and my daughter’s sake...and even for my own...cause I hate fighting and turmoil...anyway...my offer of peace was pretty much snubbed. I also have made things so easy for my husband. I have admitted my love for him. I have told him I want this marriage to last forever. I have admitted to him that he is my soul mate. In essence, why should he put the effort into rebuilding my faith in him as he promised? I have taken away his worries and concerns. I have made this too easy for him.

I wonder if I just got too carried away by reading all the information on here and forgot all that has happened. My husband betrayed my trust, my love, my friendship. Not just this one time, but in little ways in the first months of our marriage. Basically, this other form of betrayal began in the first few months of our marriage...in short...he chose to side with his brother and sister-in-law instead of his wife. This is betrayal in another sense. (I don’t want to get into the particulars but feel it is important that whoever reads this understands that I have been feeling betrayed by my husband for a while now. I do believe that quarrelling over family is a symptom of misdirected loyalty, which in turn, leads to betrayal). This internet/porn thing was just a more serious and disturbing form of betrayal. I need to focus on this. I have to stop reading all the self-help stuff on here...it just gives me too much hope and makes me do and think foolish things.

Still, I am feeling addicted to this site. It’s like I have finally found a place I can pour my heart and soul out to, get some feedback and support, some sound advice and words of encouragement yet, I can remain anonymous. All this writing is therapeutic, and I guess that is why it is addictive. But is this really helping? Am I in my own little world? Is my husband, who introduced me to this world, somewhere else now? ( I know I am sounding poetic and analytical…..but I am truly asking myself these questions and don’t know how to phrase them to sound less dramatic...lol...sorry!).

As for our anniversary, I am not one that expects my husband to do everything. I planned our wedding...to the last detail, alone. He loved it. I planned so many beautiful surprises. I was creative and put my heart into making sure he had splendid memories of our wedding day. Well he does. We both do. And although we had a very small, intimate and simple wedding where we exchanged vows in a tiny chapel, we had the most beautiful wedding ever. At least to me. It felt like the stars were even aligned for us, we received so many beautiful little surprises from those we never expected. I truly felt God’s hand working miracles that day. My husband loved all the effort I put into our day.

So, I don’t think it’s much to ask my husband to put some effort in now. Especially since, he has so much to prove now. And, my husband is very romantic. He is wonderful at planning romantic dates. So I don’t think I am expecting much of him...it is in his nature to be spontaneous and romantic. I guess he is just not that into it this year. This speaks volumes to me. Perhaps he is also “just not that into me” anymore too. In fact, I have no idea what he is feeling for me, but while he tells me he loves me and wants to be with me forever, I do sense that he is keeping his true and deepest feelings private. He is definitely not practicing Radical Honesty. Or is it that my trust has been so shattered that I don’t know what to believe? No wait a minute...actions speak louder than words. Right!! I must remember that...to my husband...working out is more important than thinking about this weekend...ok...whew!...I am focused again. His true feelings are obvious...he is not sure what he feels. But why did I see tears in his eyes today? Is he sure? I guess I really have no idea...

Well, I am not telling him how I feel too, at least not about this whole anniversary thing. He has no idea what I am hoping for. Actually, I don’t even know what I expect...I just know that I want to see that he has put effort and love into the planning...it is not about spending lots of money...it is about how much time, effort and thought he put into it...just as he did when we were dating and he was trying to win my love. He needs to win it again. I need to see that he is desperate to make things right, desperate to make me happy, desperate to win my love. As of now, I am only seeing someone who has been “too busy” to get around to anything.

This evening, (it is Thursday), he decided to go on-line to look for hotels in the city we married in. Obviously, Valentine’s weekend and all, it is extremely expensive. We have a 7 month old. We have a dog. He has not thought anything through, like getting sitters etc...he has left this to the last minute. This speaks volumes to me. He decided to work out a few times this week...but had no time to plan anything. This speaks volumes.

Speaking of volumes...I am pretty much writing volumes here aren’t I? Less really is more. But although I am desperate for comfort and advice, I don’t expect too many people to have the patience to read all this. I guess just having somewhere to vent is helping. And maybe I’ll get lucky and some poor soul will be as awake as I am and be able to read through all this and give me something to think about. If you’re out there...I’d love to hear your words of wisdom. Hoping for comfort AND wisdom...
:-)
sweet dreams friends...

A couple of things popped out as I read your posts...
Really, you need to be honest with your husband about your expectation for your anniversary. A direct statement such as, "I am feeling the need to be reassured of your love for me on our anniversary. I would appreciate if you would make this day an expression of your feelings for me and your hopes for our marriage. The ball is in your court. I am leaving all the planning to you, including a sitter."
Or say nothing and accept what happens as an opportunity to observe his actions. Just be careful not to expect him to mindread--everyone fails this test.
A husband who is seeking to establish radical honesty and accountability in the face of a history of cheating does NOT keep secret diaries or have unaccounted for time! Period. His trips to the "gym" and "shopping" are entirely suspect in light of his very recent past. Doesn't sound like the actions of a radically changed man, in my humble opinon. He needs to respect your need to know where he is and with whom at ALL times. He should be taking the leadership role in protecting your feelings.(though very few ws do this, especially if they are still wayward in their hearts.) His continued self-centeredness speaks loudly.
He may just be going further underground in order to have his cake and eat it too. The problems he has require earthshaking changes, not empty promises, no matter how sincere he sounds. If he has done much reading on mb, he should know that he no longer has the luxury of running the roads like a trustworthy person.
Sounds like he is very sorry he hurt you, but thinks he can still work the system and quietly continue to have it all..."what she doesn't know won't hurt her".
You two have a lot of work ahead of you. Get counseling! Don't fool yourself into thinking this will just go away. There is hope, but you are both going to have to work hard to get to the goal of a faithful marriage, whether he has gooey romantic feelings for you or not. They are not enough to sustain a monogomous relationship.
Hugs to you dear.

Thank you for the reality check. I needed one.

I have a huge lump in my throat and I feel sick to my stomach now, it is like this big brick just landed there. Same feeling when I first read his e-mail to the other woman. It is like being hit with the betrayal all over again. I feel so stupid and weak, I really do.

As for the anniversary thing, I am not expecting him to mind read. I am just going to lay back and observe his actions. His lack of motivation will tell me all I need to know.

As for his journals, I have no idea whether he still writes in them or not. Actually, it had never occurred to me. Now I am worried, I do not want my husband writing about me without my knowledge. Our private life together is ours, not to be written in a journal for other’s to read, at least not without my permission. I feel violated if he is writing about me. In any event, I agree with your statement that:

“A husband who is seeking to establish radical honesty and accountability in the face of a history of cheating does NOT keep secret diaries”.

They are secret and will always be as he does not want to share them with me. I don’t even know how many he has or where he keeps them. For all I know they may contain nothing but innocent thoughts on the state of the world and his life, or they may contain more private thoughts and experiences that he wants to keep secret. I have no idea. It hurts me that he does not trust me to share his life with me, the good and the bad. This privacy and secrecy is certainly not breeding ground for an open and loving relationship is it?

This also rang so true...

“He needs to respect your need to know where he is and with whom at ALL times. He should be taking the leadership role in protecting your feelings. (though very few wayward spouses do this, especially if they are still wayward in their hearts.) His continued self-centeredness speaks loudly.”

This frightened me...."especially if they are still wayward in their hearts" ....

“The problems he has require earthshaking changes, not empty promises, no matter how sincere he sounds.....he should know that he no longer has the luxury of running the roads like a trustworthy person.....Sounds like he is very sorry he hurt you, but thinks he can still work the system and quietly continue to have it all..."what she doesn't know won't hurt her"......Don't fool yourself into thinking this will just go away.....gooey romantic feelings....are not enough to sustain a monogomous relationship.”

Your words really hit home. I am lying to myself aren’t I? I came here seeking truth. Thank you so much. I need to listen to the advice given me. I need to work on myself and stop trying to make things better. I have done my part, I have forgiven him and I am willing to work with him to make this marriage what it was on our wedding day and what we both dream it to be. So now, I need to lay back and watch what happens. If he loves me and desires a life with me, he will do everything in his power to keep me. He will pursue me until he catches me. Period. If he doesn't, someone else will.

Thanx for protecting me. I thank you with everything inside of me.

Hi Seeking Truth,

Well, I wasn't trying to put any hidden messages in my post. But that is not a bad idea. What concerns me is that the two of you have only been married for a year. Still in the newly wed stage.
I am sorry but I cannot recall if you post, but how long were you together before you two got married?

I understand the pain and confusion that you are going through. I really do. I hated being where you were. It is scary because your whole world seems like it is going to change forever. It may. Unfortunately, you can only help yourself. You can get all the suggestion here and we will be 1000% supportive. You have to go through all the emotions to really figure out if you are going to get your marriage to a level where you the two of you can feel it can be saved.

I tell this to everyone that is new here. What helped me a lot was that I went to Barnes and Noble and planted my butt on the floor and read just about every book there was on affairs. The ones that were offered as advice on here that weren't available, I had them ordered it. I read a lot of posts and I got much insite as possible. Then I began to pick out the things that applied to me the most and I used that and asked myself tons of questions mainly through journaling. I was amazed what I learned about myself. It took a little longer than normal. Because I had this hope that my H. would change and love me for me. But as I see it, may not be true, but I have a great intutition, but he married me because he felt obligated!That might explain all the mean behavior from him. I never realized it until now. I thought we had a good marriage. We dated for 8 years before we got married and will be married for nine years in August. I was too young and too naive to see all those things because maybe I was scared. I don't have a risque past or anything to be ashamed of but I had given this guy my all. Because in the beginning, the attention was amazing.

Right now you are in a "fog" yourself. Are you lying to yourself? Maybe not. You are trying to make sense of all if it! We all go through it. The best thing you can do is take day by day. Don't think about two days from now, or even tomorrow. Just think about today. Are you are into a hobbie? If so, I highly recommend you get really involved into to keep yourself busy. Go out with your friends. And yes focus on you. The more you think about and dwell on this the more it will take you longer to get out. OK so I told you to read all that you can on affairs. But don't spend all your free time on it. The more you educate yourself, the more understanding you will have and the roles that are played in this? Make sense?

I wish there was some happy pill that we can give you and make this pain stop. But in the end, no matter what the out come is, you will be stronger and realize that you had to feel this way. I know, makes no sense, but it is true. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Keep on posting.

Ali~

<small>[ February 11, 2005, 01:43 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

ST
You are receiving much good advice already so I am not sure what else I could add except be careful and be on alert. It sounds like your husband is still in the fog, may still be engaged in his previous behavior, and may have little incentive to pull himself out of the habits he has found satisfaction over the years. It seems he realizes what he has done could cost him his marriage but it seems he does not want to end his addictive behavior. Typical fog!
There is no easy solution here except maybe defining a stringent plan "A" that requires him to end his addiction, seek and attend counseling for it, and most of all have him account for all his time. Set a time limit on plan "A" so you and him have targets that must be met. If and when he stays on course then show him the love you wish to present unabridged now but not before he complies. He is the one who has betrayed you and your trust but he is the one who needs the most help in this marriage. The help he needs may not be unconditional love but just may be a firm hand to tell him this is how you are going to do things if he wishes to stay married to you. (Just guessing I am so you make up your own mind.) If he does not comply then you may need to move to a plan "B" which will show him once and for all what he will loose. During plan "B" you remove yourself from contact with him, (Going dark so to speak) and let him stew in his own losses while you start reconstructing your own life with your daughter and without him.

SM

Seeking Truth! How are you? I have been off-line for a few days. Your last post, in response to mine, sounds so very sad. Please write and let us know how you are. Don't give up sweetie.

Oh....thank you so much for your concern realitychkd chick. You and so many on here have really been a blessing to me. I especially appreciate your experience and wisdom.

Well, it is 6:30 am on Tuesday morning - another sleepless night. I am really exhausted and don't have much energy to write. I will say though, that I was incorrect in thinking my husband was up to something. I have since accounted for his time after work.

We had a nice anniversary, not as special as I had hoped, but it was still nice and as usual, he was very thoughtful and romantic. I was hoping that by our anniversary, we would both be overwhelmed with emotion and tears and renew our love and vows to each other in the chapel we married in. He did embrace me and he did say he vowed to be a better husband, but I didn’t feel the sorrow or sincerity in his voice that I heard when I first found out about his internet indiscretions. I could not say anything because I felt awkward. Although I remain hopeful, I am in a state of doubt. I am especially doubtful of his love for me. I really wish I could get into his brain. He tells me he loves me – but something inside is telling me something is missing now. All the conflict has worn us both out I guess. I was moved by what he said in the chapel, but also sad because I fear my husband may be too fickle with respect to his devotion and love for me. This was never the case before. Even through this was a very difficult past year, I never doubted the strength of his love for me. Now I do. It can’t just be “all in my head”...I am feeding off of his energy, his words, his eyes. Something is just not right.

I want to go on and on and on, and continue telling my story and updating you on the latest....but I really am exhausted.

I haven’t been sleeping much lately, I lie to him and tell him I take naps during the day, but I don’t. I am so mentally exhausted it has tired me out physically. I have no energy for anything. All I can do is muster energy to do a few chores, make dinner, and most importantly, take care of my little angel and make sure she is happy. I have nothing left for me.

My husband is sincerely concerned about my lack of sleep. He tells me it is all about mind over matter (easy to say for someone who falls asleep within 5 minutes of closing his eyes). He asks me what is wrong, but I don’t tell him the truth. I say it is this and that, but truthfully it is only one thing. It is the same nagging question night after night, day after day – is my husband capable of true fidelity to one woman forever.

I asked him that the other day. His response? “One never knows the future, but I’d like to think that yes, I am.” Certainly NOT the right answer. We got into a debate about it. I said that there are certain things that I KNOW I will never do. I know, I will never molest my children, I know that I will never prostitute myself, I know that I will never kill someone, and I know I will never cheat on anyone. He then said, “ well if you put it that way, then ya, I won’t cheat”. But when I then asked him again if he was capable of being married to one woman and never cheating, he said the same thing again : “One never knows the future, but I’d like to think that yes, I am.” He says that it is impossible for me to say what I would or wouldn’t do in the future. So then, I once again qualified my way of thinking by telling him once again what I know I can never do. We went around in circles. This is the cause of all my doubt and sleepless nights. Can anyone out there please shed light on what he is really saying to me? Down in the pit of my stomach I know, but I really need to hear the harsh truth, or rather, read it.

I have not forgotten what he has done and I remain vigilant in looking out for what he may be capable of doing in the future. I have not been very firm or good at implementing Plan A - mostly because by the time I found out about what that was and what to do about it - he had already offered to do those things. You see, when I found out what he did, I immediately told him I was leaving. And I meant it! He was frantic and he found Marriage Builders. He offered to do all sorts of things : commit to adhering to Radical Honesty, to the Policy of Joint Agreement, to seeking therapy regularly and to also see a sex addiction counselor. I wanted nothing to do with Marriage Builders…I wanted out. I was angry. I was hurting. I was devastated. I kept pushing him away and testing his love. Well initially, he was seeing his counselor. He hasn’t been back since December. He was very open about his past when I first came back, he has now clammed up again. He has also not ever mentioned the Policy of Joint Agreement, but instead, has spoken about his need for individuality and freedom to go out for drinks with friends here and there and to do things he enjoys. As for sex addiction counseling, he did call, but as they said that it didn’t sound like he had any addiction, I am not sure he is convinced he needs to keep in touch with them (he has only been in away from porn for about 2 ½ months....if that....I don’t even know if there is anything else I should worry about....but as we are not being intimate at all....my concern is mounting. He did complete a sex screening questionnaire for people addicted to internet sex....his score was in the high risk range. I saw this score by accident, he had saved it on his favourites!! If I wasn’t so upset....I’d be laughing....I am so glad he can be careless sometimes). Please tell me, what should I do? I have not been firm about this Plan A thing, cause really, he started the ball rolling. I have only now understood it. But is it too late to tell him what he needs to do to keep me here? How can I enforce this if he is wavering on his commitment to me? Perhaps he doesn’t even care anymore....my threat of leaving no longer seems to carry the same weight it did not so long ago. Also, I am not as angry anymore, it is hard to be firm when you are worn out. I am confused.

To change focus a bit, I want to tell you something that has changed within me. After spending hours and hours reading all sorts of stories on here, something inside of me changed. I am not sure where I read this, but it really hit home.

I have spent the last 2 ½ months wondering if my husband is deserving of my love. I have prayed so hard for God to once again turn him into the strong, honourable and loving husband I know he wants to be. I pray that God will make him worthy of my love.

I have now started asking myself different questions : “Am I still worthy of my husband’s love? ”. “What do I do that inspires him to love me?” “What do I do to make him happy?”. I know pray that God gives me the strength to hold his hand through this difficult time....to lead us both into a road of peace and happiness. I pray to feel forgiveness in my heart. I pray for patience. I pray for the ability to “bite my tongue”. I pray to have strength to control my words and emotions in the face of all this anger and hurt. (Boy is it hard!!) I pray that my trust in him will be restored. I pray that God will remind me of the person I was when he met me: happy, calm, sweet, thoughtful, sensitive, compassionate, kind, sexy and fun. I am still this person, he just needs to see more of her. This takes strength, this is not an easy feat, but this is what I pray for. It is so hard to be kind and loving to someone who betrayed your heart, your mind, your body and soul. It is hard to be strong for someone you don’t know still has the desire to be strong for you. But I continue to pray. I pray that God will heal my wounds so that I can be the one to help heal his. And in the end, if he turns out to not be deserving of my love, I am already ahead of the game. I will be healed and at peace and ready to find love again....somewhere. For now, I pray it is with him.

I need to run....he is about to wake up for work. Thank you all...you have gotten me through some very “dark nights of the soul”.

(ps....oh man....I really do write way too much don't I???!!!!)

Hello seeking truth,

Your posts are very hard to get through at times,so long.But that is ok.We deal.

Listen,after all that you wrote,there are two things that I think are paramount:

1) You both need **Professional Counseling.You cannot do this alone and not on a Barnes and Noble spree.

-Your H has some SERIOUS issues and even if he doesn't go with you to MC he needs to go to an IC.I didn't read that he was doing this NOW but if I missed it among the long threads,sorry.

2) Beware of lip service and DO watch actions.

-This will be telling from now on.You should have access to all forms of communication.

****Your H has said a lot of things that raise red flags for me,all over the place in fact.There are too many to count but I would not even consider anything with this man without a professional MC and also IC for your H and his sexual addictions/problems.

O

Do you have personal knowledge of what the SA counselor said, or is that what your husband told you they said? Important distinction here.
Glad his after work forays turned out to be okay...keep checking until there comes a day you feel safe because he has SHOWN you his reliability.
Do the reading. Do the work. Get some sleep! (I know that's easier said than done though.)