My husband and I have been together 28 years and I never would have believed he would do this....On New Years Eve, I found out about the OW. She called his phone and I answered. It has been going on for 2 1/2 years! He has become an alcoholic in the last...really 4 or 5 years...but it has gotten really bad these last 2 or so. I knew things had changed...but didn't think he would go there!
He finally admitted to everything. He blamed it on alcohol and some cocaine use as well. He said he was glad it was out in the open and now it was over. He decided to go into treatmentfor the alcoholism. I was supportive although not so forgiving just yet, but things were going pretty well. He completed the program and started AA. I took him back. Now I come to find out that the affair was not ended at all!!! Within days of getting out of rehab, he was calling her and carring on the Affair again! I confronted and threw him out of the house, he ended up drinking again after almost a month of sobriety...with her of course.
Now he swears that it is really over, he loves me, not her and will do anything to prove that to me. So I told him, that if that is the case, then he wouldn't mind telling HER that..in front of me! At first he refused, but finally we went to her house and he did just that. She was really cocky and told him (In front of me) that he was in love with her and that she didn't believe him!
At first it made me feel better that he did it, but there is such distance between us. I don't know if it was the right thing or not. I do love him so much. I just find it hard to believe that he loves me enough or else this wouldn't have happened. 2 1/2 years is a long time, this was really more of a relationship than an affair. How do I know it really is ended???? How can I ever trust him again?? What if he is really in love with her and can't stop?? I am in so much pain. Please help me. What can I do?

Hi ppp- Sorry you have to come to this board. But there are lots of people here who have been down this road. It is well plowed so to speak here. Have you read the books 'Surviving an Affair' and 'Love Must Be Tough'? I recommend you get them and read them right away. Unfortunately I think a long term A like your H's is not easily gotten thru or forgiven. It will take alot of work on both your and your H's parts and time to get thru this. It can't be rushed. Right now the best advice I can give you is to read those books and read the GQ board for support and ideas. Take care- lifeismessy

Click on the link in my signature line for the path to recovery...BUT...you really can't have a real marriage with someone who has an active addiction. Booze, cocaine and affairs all do the same thing to an addict's brain. He has to go cold turkey on all three - and any others there might be.

PPP

Sorry your at this site. It hurts when we place so much hope in recovery for an addiction and find another one in place and then start the merry-go-round again.

John 39 is right when he said

Booze, cocaine and affairs all do the same thing to an addict's brain.

As a FWH 1987 and a recovering alcoholic 1986 I found my affair after I sobered up to be just like a high for me. I even flaunted it to my S b/c it was revenge for an EA with my best friend-eventually PA and moving out on me. I did not have a clue what real love was at that time and both A's fizzeled out real fast. My S says she forgave me and eventually we got back together but its been LB city here for many years. From both sides.
My S had 10 years of sobriety and life was pretty good during that time. In 1999 she started drinking again and for the last two years heavily. She started drinking with a single guy 4 houses away just about every chance she could get. My suspicions were found to be correct in July and Nov of 04 when I caught them in the act.

Treatment of an addiction does not gaurantee it will never happen again but it sure raises the odds of it never happening again. My WS has an addiction to alcohol and therefore there is nothing I can do in this M but take care of myself and DD 11. As of 2/6/05 I moved into Plan B since she has been sober 5 days. She hasn't had that many days in a row since Sept. 04. I thought she might somewhat be out of the fog of alcohol and get a clue as to what is going on in her life. She didn't but maybe if she hangs onto the letter long enough and stays sober long enough she will. I guess I won't know since I'm going dark until some measure and quality of sobriety is reached. Should she chose to talk about MR then I will talk to her. The merry-go-round has to end somewhere.

Cold turkey for the booze and cocaine. They are a lover you can never compete with. The other person-you do have a chance of competing with-Should he decide to sober up- And should you choose to. Its painful trying while you know the A is going on or not sure if it is but you do have a chance should you be willing to take it.

Read as much as you can on this site. Surviving An Affair (SAA)is an excellent book to read. You can buy it on the site here or sometimes find it locally.

Take care of yourself the best you can. Al-Anon may be a good place to find support. The people there are loving and non-judgemental.I've been going for the past 2 years and found a family of friends who truly love me -just because I'm me. They understand in a way no one else can.

Jerry

Thanks to all of you for your kind words of support. I really need them. As of yesterday, when I found them together once again....I think i am just about used up. I have an appointment next week with an attorney and I intend to keep it. I just can't go on like this anymore. The lies are killing me and the love that I have for him.

I have been to several Al Anon meetings in the past few weeks and they do help. I have even been to a few AA meetings with him. The problem is that she is a totally separate addiction, apparently, that he is not willing to give up. She or the addiction to her is more important than our marriage, so...I give up.