Today marks the 6th week that my H has been gone to be with the OW leaving me and our young son. he has visitation every other weekend and while I try not to take his calls or return e-mails I sometimes just feel the need to communicate ( I know not helping)

Over the past few weeks he has indicated that he is questioning several things with the OW the biggest was the OW pregnancy. No one to date can convince me she was pregnant. For a woman who adopted her last child because she could not get pregnant to all of a sudden become pregnant 6 days after H returned home to make our Marriage work. Then claimed to have Dr appointments that do not appear to have taken place, Then she set the sage to lose the baby once she knew that my H had left me for more than a week she claims the specialist said she needed to be on bed rest or risk losing the baby. Well I would have suspected the weekend she and my H would not have been advisable for someone hin her condition and as luck would have it a day later she loses the baby.

He has now questioned this himself. He still calls and writes and when he signs his e-mail these days he signs them "Your husband" humm funny this is the one time I really find that amusing in that he is hardly a husband right now.

He spoke to the OW's H and became more clear on what he was getting into. He wrote and told me he was not feeling good about her right now.. He also said he is finally taking off the rose colored glasses and seeing what everyone has been telling him. He also noted that he has been going to counseling but in order to get help you need help and he is now wanting the help. I think these are all good things but he is very clear never to mention anything about us.

He says he misses me and my son but he left me for OW because he loved her so much and said while he loved me he was not in love with me. He has also realized that the OW has manipulated him and that our marriage was not what he portayed it to be it was not by no means perfect but closer to perfect than to miserable as he had portrayed it. I would like to think that ther were hope but I have been down that road before and how do you make a relationship work when you S has said so many things that are hurtful, how do you ever become intimate with them when the thoughts of the OW just keep playing over and over. And for those who have been there how do you open the door again but not get hurt?

Hi Lost Lucy

I am 6 years past d-day of h's last affair. I hope I can help a little tonight.

First here is a link to a very helpful thread, you may have already vchecked it out. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=000553

I nor anyone else can promise you that you won't get hurt again. I'm sorry.

You H's words are starting to sound good but this actions say something else. Not good, too often a WS will try to hold on to the faithful spouse in case things with OP don't work out.

The ugly things they say ? Yes they hurt, been there heard that ie: I don't love you and never did, blah blah blah. I's all fog talk. My H told me after we got back together when he left for ow 1 that he said the hurtful things to try to make me hate him so I wouldn't hurt and cry so much.

It's late and I need to get to bed but didn't want your thread to go without an answer, MB is slow on the weekend so bear with us.
You can read my story here, maybe it will help Just remember that every M is different.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/003227.html

Deb-

Thank you so much for your thoughts and for responding sometimes I wonder if I am putting things in the right place on this site sometimes not much response but thank you for your words and for directing me to your story.

Your story I am sure has helped many and sure helped to put things in perspective. I am having a hard time being patient and wonder if he will ever decide to be with me after all this and raise his son that we brought into this world 3 weeks before the A began. You certainly could have written a book as with each paragraph it got better. I pray a lot and cry on those bad days and then come here reading and searching for someone to help me. I have never been one to ask for help so it is hard to admit I do not know what to do or where to go or how I am going to get there (very uncharacteristic for me)

I have read the many books suggested her which helped me over the past 7 months understand myself better and how things can get to where they were or are.

I will keep praying for us all and hope that God will help me find peace in what ever comes my way. Today was a tough day it began with hope and then it seemed to end with a realization that he was with her and taken the day off and refused to talk to me. He appeared to be on the track to approching her about the many lies she had told but as I suspect she managed to come up with another line of lies that kept him there and taken the hope away today.

Anyway thank you for your reply I greatly apprecaite it and am glad to see that things can work out and the fog machine can actually turn off!

Lucy, I know that this is hard for you, especially with a little one.

You can usually get more answers on General Questions 2. And like I said weekends tend to be slow here.

I wish I could tell you for sure without a doubt that he will be back, sadly I can't but I can tell you this much if he doesn't come back and if he doen't be a father to his child he WILL regret it one day.

People are strange Lucy,sometimes they screw up and will cut off their nose to spit their faces to keep from admiting they were wrong. I know that is how it was when Bozo left me for ow 1, our son was 5 then and he just could not admit he had made a mistake with her.

I understand how hard it is to admit that you don't know what to do about this mess. None of us know when we first find out and many of us make mistakes.

Finding MB was very important to the recovery of my marriage after the last A. Meeting people who had been there, others who were where I was helped so much. Nobody could tell me that we would with no doubt work it out but they did encourage me and I want to try to encourage you.

First have you tried plan A ? Plan A is for you, it is to help you look at yourself and see what ways you can reach out to your H with love, however it is NOT to teach you to be a door mat.
No crying in front of him or on the phone or in letters to him, none. If you have to cry go in the bathroom and soak your face in cold water but do not let him see you cry. No begging, no matter how much you want to. No judgements, you can't even call ow names (ok you can write nasty letters about/to both of them when the anger kicks in and it WILL but you must burn the letters right away) Also do not sleep with him, let him come home while still seeing her or any of that. You can read up on plan A and plan B on this site. If after a time plan A does not work
then it will be time for plan B. Plan B is hard because you are stopping all contact unless you must have contact about your child. It's not to punish H but to protect your heart and the love you still have for him. Let's face it enough fog and enough pain can kill the love we feel for them.

I will pray for you Lucy, you are not alone.

I know it hurts to have him keep on seeing this woman who has lied and decieved but it is his choice. I don't know why they do it. When H was with ow 1 she was having sex with soooooo many other men it wasn't funny. I told him about it and he still stayed with her. She slept with his cousin, his best friend and only God knows who else but H stayed with her. She would take his money and other things and go run around while he was sleeping and he stayed. It ticks me off that she got away with crap he never would have put up with from me. I understand I really do.

If you want to you can email me at dkohb@yahoo.com

Hang in there Lucy, no matter what you will survive this thing. And no matter what you will come out the winner !