Hello all,
I have just discovered this website. I've read the basic concepts and most of the articles, and like what I am seeing - it "rings true" to me.
Before I discovered this site, I found out my wife (almost 10 years, mother of our 2 kids) was planning to divorce me. I found this out by reading emails she'd sent to friends, her brother and an ex-boyfriend from a personal account she hadn't told me about. I was surprised, I knew things were strained and sometimes unpleasant, but I thought we were basically solid and that things would eventually get better. I found out by reading her emails that she was feeling neglected because I wasn't meeting her emotional needs. Also, I had a terrible habit of lying to her about financial matters, which led to us almost losing our house. (The financial stuff is settled now, after a long and difficult repayment plan, which added to the stresses).
I decided to win her back by trying to meet her needs. She responded immediately, as if she had been waiting for me to do this. I feel closer to her than ever before and am damn well going to make sure that I am taking care of her from here on in. She's been very open with me about how she was going to leave me, about how bad things have been, and about how happy she is now. Everything she tells me jibes with what her emails said.
Here's the catch: I suspect that she may have had an "emotional affair" with her ex-boyfriend, and possibly a physical one. She spoke with him mainly on the phone, but the email uses expressions like "I miss you so much", "I don't like talking to your wife", "Love always", etc. The ex-boyfriend lives in another state, which she visited on vacation the past two years without me. I know that she saw him each time, because she was up front about that. One email made specific reference to turning him down for sex, though that was two years old.
I am 100% confident nothing is going on now. The "emotional affair" aspect seems to have died out over the past 6 months, and my wife is quite open about her scorn for the ex-boyfriend's lifestyle and the way he treats people (especially his mother). I think she's been disillusioned over time. I am fairly sure she never had sex with him, though I could see her holding hands, kissing or going on a romantic "date" last summer.
If she did have an emotional affair with him, or if she had a one-time physical thing last summer, I can understand why would have been vulnerable to that. She'd been very lonely for a long time because of my neglect. Because of this, I think it would be very easy to forgive her - not to excuse it, but to forgive it. After all, she's forgiven me for 10 years of lies and neglect, for which I am very grateful. And so, even though she hasn't said anything about it, I am thinking if she *did* that I already *have* forgiven her in my heart.
I asked her if there had ever been another man, and she told me no, but the timing when I asked was bad - if the answer had been "yes", I don't think she would have felt able to say so. I think I ought to ask her specifically about the ex-boyfriend, but I don't know what to expect. I know if we want to practice "Radical Honesty" (a concept I find very attractive) that she will need to be up-front about it. For that matter, I need to be up-front about having read her email.
Honestly, the way I feel right now I don't *think* it would be too upsetting to know the truth, if the truth is what I suspect. I feel like I sort of already know, and I feel like finding out we were on the brink of divorce (and that she had "fallen out of love" with me) was the real shocker. And I feel like the fact that we are back in love will shield me from the pain. Am I right about that? I don't see how I could be. If she confirms to me what I suspect, it *should* be a very painful experience, right? Even though I already sort of know? And even though I am confident that this will never happen again as long as I continue to meet her needs?
My emotions are playing tricks with me lately - sometimes, especially when we are together giving each other our undivided attention, I don't care about whether or not this happened, as long as it isn't happening now and we are happy. Other times, it nags at me. I guess it probably will until we get it out in the open and discuss it, much as I don't want to do anything to disrupt the good feelings we are having right now...
Any advice would be welcome...
