I am married for 17 years and have three kids, 2, 9 and 14.

Recently (a month ago) discovered that my wife was having affair (she said for that it was going for three months).

The other man is also married. However, my wife and his lover were separated some 3 weeks ago.

I am willing to forgive my wife and forget everything to rebuild the marriage. At first she agreed to it then she had a change of mind and wanted to separate from me. I am quite sure that they have broken up. The reason my wife gave was that she no longer love me and cannot live with me.

Right now we are separated. She has moved out of the house. However, she still have access to the children - almost on a daily basis. I have tried all means to get her to agree to come back to no avail. She is very firm on the separation.

There is nothing I can do now but to wait. Or should I really end this marriage? I am still very much in love with her and would want to get back together with her. Our children also know about the separation (but not the affair) as I do not want them to "hate" their mommy.

Is there any advice on how I should proceed from here.

Welcome to MB,

Sorry you have to come here with such difficult but not unusual circumstances.

There are things you can do. Teaching your wife is not one of them. Your wife is now a WS (wayward spouse) and you are the BS (betrayed spouse).

Given that identification, please review the concepts section above. Get ahold of the following books:

His Needs/Her Needs - Dr W. Harley
Surviving an Affair - Dr W. Harley
Love must be tough - Dr James Dobson

Get with a good MC familar with MB principals. Or better yet, get with Steve or Jennifer @ MB. You can do phone counseling with them and they are very good despite the distance. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

AS for you and your children, seek help also. You may want to check with a doctor for any AD (antidepressants) and put your children into counseling so they do not think the separation is in anyway their fault.

One biggie is that as long as your WS is not your wife, you can't teach or tell her much. She could accuse you of controlling her, take your money and more, use the children against you, manipulate, lie, cheat and steal like no one you have ever known. She will turn into a stranger you don't want to be around. Yet she is your wife and the mother of your children. However, in the WS state of mind she is neither.

During ths time you w/b torn and very hurt. Depression could result. Develope a plan for you and your children. Stick together as a team and present all your issues to the WS as from your family. Create your personal support group, including your children, friends, neighbors, relatives, doctor, MC/IC, us here @ MB, co-workers, even the family pet...... anyone who can provide support and comfort yet keeping your family safe. You are vulnerable because your needs are not being met so be careful on developing too close relationships with any females. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Also for lots of patience.

Work to put your mind and heart in sync so that you can make good decisions without regrets.

This is just the start. You have a long road ahead of you but if you start with a solid plan, the WS will find it difficlt to make any of her false charges stick.

Post/vent here as needed.

take care,
L.

thanks for the response.

Yes, I am ordering the books.

But the issue here is that she has refuse to seek any help from any marriage counsellor as she said her decision is final.

The problem is that she still want to see the children almost everyday and every time I see her it is still affecting me greatly.

I have tried to restrict her access to once a week but each time she would beg me and said that it is for the children's sake and each time I would relent.

My children are still close to her (they are not aware of her affair) and I do not want to use the children as a weapon. My eldest daughter has shown some sign of resentment again

thanks for the response.

Yes, I am ordering the books.

But the issue here is that she has refuse to seek any help from any marriage counsellor as she said her decision is final.

The problem is that she still want to see the children almost everyday and every time I see her it is still affecting me greatly.

I have tried to restrict her access to once a week but each time she would beg me and said that it is for the children's sake and each time I would relent.

My children are still close to her (they are not aware of her affair) and I do not want to use the children as a weapon. My eldest daughter has shown some sign of resentment against her but still she would go out with her mommy.

I am still very much depressed and I have come to accept that our marriage is gone.

You still have some contact with her, because you share children. Therefore, you can doa Plan A. Click on the link in my signature line,a nd read all the Plan A links there. While it is true that Plan A is designed for someone whose spouse is having an A, and that may not apply in your case, it can also be used to win a spouse back who has walked away. Another good book that I would suggest is "If Only He Knew" by Gary Smalley. It contains a few stories of men who won their wives back after affairs and divorces. There is hope.

thanks for the response.

Just had a new discovery today. They are together again - that is my wife and her lover.

So, I got to go on Plan B now.

sigh.

uwm

when I read your thread before the last post you made I was going to say to you that your WW left to continue the affair. This is classic behaviour.

her actions and her comments to you about not loving you, never really loved you - if she has not said this its next somewhere along the line - and leaving her kids and all of that is VERY Standard Operating Procedure for cheating spouses deep deep in the fog.

uwm I'm no expert on Plan A or B, I have learnt a lot but still I am learning. However I do think you are far too early to plan B unless you have planned A for some time, Harley says for men about 3 to 6 months, but thats dependant on how you feel about your ww,
Plan B is very much about protecting whatever love you have left for her when you feel yourself losing that love and wanting out.
Its side effect is that it leaves your ww totally dependant on the OM to meet her EN's and this can in turn cause the A to fail.

Right now you should still be in Plan A for a longer period until you feel you can no longer do it. Plan A'ing while she is not living at home IS very difficult but can be done.
I think you need more time to work on meeting as many of her EN's as possible

AS this has happened very quickly I wonder if you have considered getting any advice from Steve Harley on this site from the counselling centre link at the top of the page. Steve Harley is said to be very good at working on individual plans to help in such situations though nothing is a guarantee.

So if you have not Planned A for any length of time please reconsider going to plan B right away UNLESS you have professional advice otherwise.

Have you told the OM's wife about the affair?

If you haven't then you need to ASAP,

Plan A does not restrict you from letting people know about the affair...in fact Dr. Harley says the affair should be exposed.

You situation sounds a lot like mine. I am going through the same exact things. It is almost like they have a script that they read from... for example, my wife the WS says she hasn't loved me for 25 years and we've been married for 27. She wants a divorce, will not go to counceling, and on and on.

This board has some really great people in it and I advise you to read their advice and follow it. I don't know about your beliefs, but I am a Christian and hope my separation will lead to reconciliation. Good luck, my God bless you and remember, if you are a Christain Christ promised us he would never put anything on us that we could not stand. That means you are tougher than it is so hang in there and keep your head on straight. Think with your brain not your heart, anger and grief.

stunned-dad,

It was the other way round. She told me about the affair.

Anyway the affair was already exposed.

RHR,

Yes, I know it all sound so familiar.

Anyway, I have scheduled for counselling session with Steve Harley on thursday to seek help and advice.

I am still determine to save the marriage.

Last friday she broke up with her lover yet again. But this time it seemed final as her lover decided to go back to his family. She met his family, gave him two tight slap and it was all over.

As for me, it was over as well, or was it? She said she will file for legal separation on Monday. She wanted to be alone as she no longer love me and she also wanted weekend access to the kids.

She refused to talk about counselling or read anything or talk about anything to do with our relationship.

Is this the end of the road for me?