I am new here and just looking for any port in the storm. About a month ago DH started acting strange. Really grouchy wouldn't talk civil to me etc. Started talking about moving out and getting some space. Felt like he was doing everything for me and the kids and never did anything for himself. So he found a house to rent that is about a mile from the house. 2 days later I get a phone call from a mutual friend telling me that he has OW staying with him and sure enough he has been seeing her for about a month now. All of our friends his friends are all in shock. He was treated very well by me and my kids adored him. This woman can give him nothing. We are christians had a pretty strong faith. This woman has had her kids taken away from her because of drugs. Just a really nasty person. Why would he leave a loving family that worshipped the ground he walked on for something like that. I have confronted him about what I know and he is denying everything and that if I don't quit accusing him of things he won't come back home. He tells me he needs his time to see whether he misses us enough that he wants to try and save our marriage but from what I can gather he is waiting to see how things work out with her as to whether or not he comes back. I am so hurt and shocked I don't know how to go on. He is only 32 but it almost sounds like an early midlife crisis. Where do I go from here?

Check out this site:

http://midlifecrisisforum.com/eve/ubb.x?a=frm&s=3106003104&f=9846084204
if he truly is going through this and by what you have posted he could be... you will find many answers to your questions there..

<small>[ February 12, 2005, 04:27 PM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>

He's definately not in MLC..he's having an A.
What is spewing from his mouth..is common.

You need to start educating yourself...start reading the basic principals of this site.

Get Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley..available at most bookstores..well worth the money.

You need to start from square one.

You need to get undenyable proof of the A. Don't discuss this with him anymore until you have proof.

Get into Plan A...stay in Plan A...in the meantime..familiarize yourself with Plan B.

Get tested for STDs...immediately.

Knowledge is power.

Get yourself educated.

Is the OW married ?

We will guide you trhough this...so you have control of your life back. Remember..rule number one..you can only control YOU...but what you do with that control...will make all the difference to your well being right now.

Sorry you found yourself here, but you're among people who know how you're feeling..and will support you through this horrid time.

Well WH called me Monday night had been drinking and was crying uncontrollably. Said that he had screwed up and didn't know if he was going to ever be able to come back home. He doesn't know that I know for sure about the A just thinks I suspect. Well he has had more contact with me in the last few days. Seems really depressed. Well today I get a call from a mutual friend giving me the headsup that the OW left him. Now he is talking more about maybe getting back together and working on our marriage. How can I be sure that he is coming back because he seriusly knows he screwed up or just because things fell apart with the OW.

That's just it hon, you can't at this point.

Your WH is feeling some of the fallout of his actions, the fog is still there, and if OW left than there is some withdrawl too. You cannot tell if it is real or fog at this point. Trust me, you will hear crap that just sounds like it is coming from a totally diff person than your H... it is... WH is not the H you know and love. It may help you to realize that cause you may hear some really hateful and hurtful things from him.

The "I need space" is fog talk for "I am screwing around and need to decide where I want to be". I heard this just before both my D-days. My FWH also went off w/ the skankiest thing he could find...I think somewhere deep down it is a way of playing out how worthless they feel.

Stick around here, read around. You will feel tons of info & support. Sorry you feel the need to be here, but you are in the right place.

I have found out more things in the last week and not wanting to make excuses I realize that from a misunderstanding this was all done out of fear and hurt. (WH thought I was seeing my XH). The thought of losing his family that he loved to someone else especially this man really scared him and sent him into a place he didn't need to go. My question is now that the A is over how do I help him to deal with the guilt so we can get through this and get our marriage back together. I don't want the guilt and hurt to keep him from coming back. I have already forgiven him and I am very secure in knowing that it won't happen again. I know this sounds very nieve but I also know my H and know how he deals with hurt. Any ideas

It is an excuse. Fear and hurt do not justify an affair. As to WHY he is coming back - it doesn't really matter all that much. What matters is what the two of you do to re-build your marriage when he does come back. If you go back to the way things were, something similar is likely to happen again. So, get on a path to real recovery.

Click on the link in my signature line to find out how.