Two and a half years ago, while I was pregnant (after being together for almost 10 years) my husband told me he wanted to separate. He's a teacher and it didn't take me long to find out that a female guidance counselor from his school had befriended him. Apparently in the past, she's befriended other married men and ended up having children with one of them, while he was still married. She moved on to my husband but when I confronted her, assured me, as did he that nothing was going on. We've still remained separated almost three years now. He recently came to me (two weeks ago) and confessed that for the past year, they've had a sexual relationship on and off- nothing extremely serious or constant, even though he did develop feelings of love for her at one point (and she for him). To say that I was surprised would be a lie, but hearing him tell me the truth rather than lie to my face all these years was a relief. He finally is getting rid of his apartment and says he's committed to making us work and that they haven't been together for a few months now- that they both realized the relationship did not have a future. I don't know how to trust him or to move forward past all of the resentment that I have towards both of them. I've had so much difficulty resisting calling the school to complain about her- since this is her pattern and she should know better as a counselor. Need advice.

Chances are that your calling the school to complain won't help. My husband had an affair with the manager at our bank. I found her behavior to be very unethical and have proof that they were talking on company time but when I went to her boss he didn't do anything. This incident even gave them an excuse for further contect with each other. Your best course of action is to encourage your husband to transfer to a different school, immediatly if possible, if not then start the process for next year. For complete recovery to happen for both of you he can not have any contact with her ever again. If he has to stay in the school for the rest of this year, is there someone you can trust to help keep him accountable for not having contact with her. The school may be helpful with a transfer if they know the true situation.

He had an apartment for the last almost three years in the small town where the school is. She lived right down the street. He has just within the last few days given notice at his apartment and will be moving out of there within 30 days. In the meantime, he's been staying with his parents, as he says he wants to come home when it's right, and not while he still has feelings for this other woman. He says that the feelings are not near as strong as they once were, but this is all so new. They just ended the affair about two months ago and since then have cut off (supposedly) all contact other than professional since they work in the same school and on occasion have to discuss kids. He is already looking for other jobs for next year but says that he thinks he can stick it out there for the next few months. Last night he stayed in his apartment for the first time since he's told the truth about all of this, because of parent teacher conferences and it would have been pointless to drive over an hour to his parents house just to sleep. Needless to say, I was very uncomfortable with that decision but feel that if he is willing to give up the aparment and change schools and tell me that he's committed to making us work- how could I make an issue out of his staying at his aparment for one night? I'm trying to get over the resenment I feel towards him for all of the lies but I don't know how to do it. And especially don't know how to trust him being in the same working environment with her.

He has proven that you can't trust him. Now it's up to him to prove that he is trustworthy. As long as he has any contact with the other woman his feelings will be confused and he will not be able to devote his energy to saving your marriage. His continuing to do things like stay at his old apartment even though it makes you unconfortable is what is causing you so much stress. Don't let him convence you that you are being unreasonable or demanding. Buy Dr Harley's book Surviving an Affair. It has been a lifeline for me.