i have read a lot of the posts here, but none that fit my situation. My husband cheated with his ex-wife about a month after we got married and while I was 7 months pregnant. Before we got married, we were in a four year relationship where nothing happened between them, but there were other infidelities with various people. (defintely dealing with a sexual addiction!) The typical methods that Dr Harvey suggests...separating from the lover, for instance, don't work in this situation because thay have a child together. I so badly want to work things out and get back to the awesome relationship we used to have, but I don't know where to begin. I'm afraid to trust him, but hate to keep bringing the situation up because it's always an argument. We hardly talk anymore and are going to counseling. I just feel like giving up though...can anyone help me?

I'm not sure I'm the best person to help you. There are so many here who are. I'm sorry you have to go through this. But I'm glad you found us. It helps to give us as much background information as you can so that we can help you better.

Just curious...Why did they get divorced? Has your H ever been in counselling for his "addiction". What are his views about his behaviour? How old is your child now?

First of all, thank u so much for replying and for your sentiment. My husband and his ex divorced because she left him for someone else...(basically dragged his feelings and ego thru the mud!) I always felt that over the course of our four year relationship that he still had caring feelings for her, but just never acted them out. I would get upset alot of the times that he would put up with her craziness, but tried to understand b/c they had a child together. He actually came and told me about the affair and about the other illicit acts, even though I had some suspicion about it anyway. he felt ashamed that he hurt me and angered that he allowed this to happen...especially with her. He admits that his behavior is wrong, even down to the pornographic material level, but he is going thru his withdrawal stage and I still feel like I can't trust him around her. Our child is almost a month now and I am just trying to keep myself together for his sake. Look forward to hearing from you really soon!

I am in a similar situation in that my husband continues to be the boss of his mistress. They see each other weekly and are in contact almost daily about work. It is hard so I feel your pain.

Despite this, two things had to happen. 1st I have to trust him to at least be around her and 2nd I have to expect him to be an open book. That means I check his phone, blackberry, briefcase, pockets and anything else I want anytime I want without any objection from him. If your husband is not willing to do this, you should be worried that he is continuing to hide things.

You can't be there every second of the day. But if you can set up safeguards do so. Be with him when they exchange the child. Be on the phone or at least in the room when they talk. These will calm your fears until you learn to trust him again.

It is hard...especially when you have to see the OW. Hang in there.

Thank u for your reply. Your advice is very helpul. But I so hate that feeling of snooping thru his stuff. In some ways, i feel ike if I find something, that it just helps me to stay in pain and that I somewhat deserved it because I was snooping in the first place...and secondly, I feel as though if he really wanted to keep his stuff a secret, then he would just by being ultra careful to delete things and so forth. My ultimate question is how can u trust him to be around her when u r afraid that she may be the one to tempt him? Does that come with time as well? HELP!!!

Hello zsd,

It is my impression based on your posts that your F?WH is not doing enough to help you feel safe and secure in your current marriage.Trust has to be rebuilt brick by brick and your FWH should be doing all he can to do this.But,if he is not invested in the marriage and is continuing on in a A or secretive behavior,he is not going to look,act or sound like a committed H.

Was it your FWH that has given you all the information about the EX(craziness) or did you know her?

Counseling when a spouse is still in an A is a waste of time and money.And with your FWH's previous cheating behavior,it's no wonder that you feel insecure and we are not 100% sure this A isn't over with right? If he never got over his feelings for his EX,that is a big red flag.If your WH still has feelings for the EX and it's perpetuated by seeing her,this will interfere with any building you want with him and in your marriage and in his feelings for YOU.

I don't blame you at all.This is not a good base to build a marriage on when your fiance or BF/GF is already cheating on you and your aren't even married yet.As you know,this translates into whatever new relationship the person has if they are not actively seeking help or in professional PRO marriage counseling for their marriage and also IC for addictions or poor behavior.And from what you mentioned,you have Infidelity and porn to deal with as well as other issues such as trust.You also have the added circumstance of the EX wife and the child.

What I would suggest is maybe taking some time to introduce yourself to the ladies on the Pregnancy board.Although your WH did not father a child with another woman WHILE married to you,they may be able to help you understand and cope with the situation you are in,that is,an exW with a child who was involved with your H and whom now you want to end contact with on certain levels.You/he cannot completely end the ties he has with his child and the EX but he doesn't have to see/be with the EX at all.He does have a committment to the child but not the EX.There is a difference.

If your FWH is serious about rebuilding your marriage and making you feel safe and secure,then he has to compromise on the EX issue.If he keeps fighting you on it and you end up in your separate corners,he is not willing to be in the marriage in a healthy way and might still be in an EA with the EX.This must be explored with the counselor.

How do you feel about your counselor?

O