Sorry, I just realized that my wife may like to frequent these type of boards.... my story is a bit too specific to my liking.

everyone, Thanks for your replys!

<small>[ February 19, 2005, 05:38 AM: Message edited by: confuseddude ]</small>

First off CD I would like to say welcome to this forum. I am so sorry that you had to find yourself in this situation. But you are NOT alone!
You will find the principles here will help you get though and get over the obstacles in your M. I will be the first to tell you that this site is NOT meant to change your spouse. Just to change YOU. There are many reasons why Marriages go down the drain.
You have found a place to find out how you fight to save your M if that’s what you want.
You will find Betrayed Spouses (BS) and Wayward Wives (WW) or spouses (WS) here, all trying to put back together, or make new or just learn to move on with a lot of pain & hurt. But we all are trying.

Questions you may ask yourself are

How this happened? When? Where? Who?
Are all honest questions. But brace yourself for the answers, some you may not what to know.

Do I want this M to work?
If yes, then get to work! Make your M first and then make the decisions on the future later.

Can I get though this?
The answer is YES, what ever the out come!
Dont expect to go through this alone. Just about everyone here - on both side of the mess - has had the help of Anti-Depressants (AD) or use St Johns Wort, there is nothing wrong in seeking help if you feel you need it.


Things to do

Read EVERYTHING on this site ! From start to finish, print it, save it, make notes.
Basic concepts

Ask your wife to complete the His needs Her needs questionnaire to find out if the two of you even really know what the others top Emotional Needs (EN’s) are.
Emotional Needs Questionnaire

Get to Know Plan A and Plan B
What are Plan A and Plan B

Start on a Policy of Joint Agreement
Policy of Joint Agreement

Be honest with yourself and your spouse.
Please Read:
Policy of Radical Honesty

Find a good marriage counsellor (MC) and your wife may wish to also see an individual counsellor (IC)


On a more personal note, my advice that I received when I first got here was:

Breathe! I was the WW in my M and and the people here for the most part pushed and advised me to get off my butt adn do what my H needed me to do. They want you to succeed even if they didn't. I'm still trying to do that. This is not easy but it is worth it.

Get some exercise, go for a walk, get out of the bed, uncover your head, and get up and make a change.

Even though our situations are similar - marriage infidelity, breakdown or troubles - there are different people involved in these situations and different things work for some and some don't work for others. But we are here to help you make the best of what you decide that is best for your family!

Now you may wish to post this on GQ11 as there is a lot more traffic and the weekends are sooooooo slow. Just copy everything - even my post if you want - and paste it in GQ11.
Remember that you will get lots of different advice, you have to consider what will work for you based on the success you see.

Dont loose hope and dont give up. There are things you can do. Good Luck and our prayers are with you.

<small>[ February 19, 2005, 12:07 AM: Message edited by: aussieswife ]</small>

Thanks aussieswife - I really appreciate your supportive words and help. I've been reading and re-reading everything on this website, but it just looks so difficult.

I wish I were able to spot the warning signs before all this happened. I think I was working on the wrong emotional aspects; I should have been more motivational to my wife rather than just merely supportive.

I just hope I can convince her that our marriage is worth saving. She's really depressed about what has happened, but she doesn't feel that I'm capable of "fixing" anything unless I quit school. She thinks that it would be best if she just left me since she wouldn't have to deal with seeing me struggle. Not really the best thing that I wanted to hear, but at least she still cares about my feelings.

I'll take your advice and re-post the topic to the GQ2 section of this board.

Again, thank you very much!

Hello Confuseddude
It sound like your stuck between a rock and a hard place? I commend you for trying to make a better life for yourself and your wife.My concern reading your post is if you give up school then you both would be giving up your dreams/careers.Then what would you have and down the road? what would you regret? and I'm sorry but true love isn't sports cars and furs or diamonds.I think you know that.It's very hard to be in a relationship when only one spouse is trying to make things work and the other just doesn't care what you do or puts demands on you to change when your doing the best you can already.It never seems good enough.I would really look at the big picture before you make any hasty desisions about your future/school.If you quit school will she stop chatting???To be honest with you I don't think so.It's a very addictive disease.Please read my posts "Internet affairs"by eloquent.You may find some help there also with the replies I received.They may give you more insight to your situation and how to handle things.The one thing that I've realized is you can't change the true person you are.Your morals,your deep inner compassion,the genuine person you are.Maybe when you finish school you and your wife can get remarried and have a lavish wedding and she can continue with her career.A few years of sacrifice is nothing compared to a life time.Remember that.I wish you the best and I'm sorry if I sounded a little harsh but I'm only speaking from my own
experience and regret.Take care