First off, I have to say thank everyone for posting here. I found this DDay+2, and it has been an immense help reading the stories.

I'm one week past DDay of a short term EA a with a touch of extra. She's had one phone call with the OM, and last night I requested NC.

I've taken accountability for my lack of attention that lead up to the A, but made clear she has her share as well. I asked what else I could do to meet her ENs, and she had nothing specific. I'm fine with that answer as we are just now able to communicate about this stuff.

She did say that things are "really odd". "You come hope all happy, whereas before you'd be short with me after a hard day of work". And "you are helping around the house more, which I appreciate, which is weird." This morning I gave her a hug goodbye and told her a quick "thanks for talking last night". She said that that makes her feel weird, don't thank her for that.

So my question is... How much being nice is too much? Almost everything I do is indirect - unloading the dishwasher while she's out, fixing dinner for the kids, picking up my own dry cleaning (things she usually does). I have yet to buy her a card, flowers, or other over the top things.

My days are still up and down, and it is real work trying to keep a positive outlook and find my own way. I just don't to cause problems along the way.

Hello,

This is a tough question you posed. On the one hand it is good that you are communicating. It is good that you are trying a good Plan A. On the other hand, your wife thinks you actions are making her feel weird. This may be good or bad.
I am a little fearful for you that your actions of being so happy, smily and feeling good maybe giving her mixed messages. I do not know if this is the case but she may be thinking to herself - I just got caught in an affair betraying my husband and my husband seems so very happy. Is it because:
1) He has had a previous affair and is now feeling less guilty?
2) He gets off knowing that his wife was involved with another man?
3) He really does not care and now this allows him to have an affair with someone else?

I do not have a clue what she is thinking. Let me ask you this: If the roles were reversed, would you think your wife would be acting the way you are acting? These are just some thoughts for your consideration. I wish you luck.

Great points. I'm certain that she knows I'm not having any affairs. And I've let her know that her talking (and continuing to talk) to the OM hurts me deeply.

I think the fact that some of my actions are out of character from the past few years is what is throwing her for a loop. She obviously notices and is somewhat receptive, but I don't want to overdo things.

I have the books on order, and are waiting for their delivery. This site has helped a lot as well.


I'd say we've had 3 long conversations in the week since DDAY. Is that typical? I don't want every second alone to revolve around the A, but I obviously want to fully understand my role in things and how we can avoid this in the future.

So my question is... How much being nice is too much?
Plan A is NOT "being nice". It is about ending all LoveBusters.

So ar eyou asking if you should start/continue LoveBusting?

Hello Extropy,

IMO,your WW thinks you are acting weird because in her mind,she has built you up to be an uncaring "monster".Now she sees you making changes in yourself and how you act toward her and she doesn't quite know what to do with that.Afterall,many/most WS's want to demonize you.It will make them feel better about what they are doing and feel justified.

But here you are,trying to show her that you are not such a bad guy after building you up this way in her mind and she is confused.Naturally.And,of course this makes her feel "weird",it is reflecting in her heart.She may even rebuff this newfound tenderness because it makes her THINK about what she is doing and also makes her THINK about you in a different light.Perhaps she was wrong? She is second guessing now.

It sounds like you are doing a good job so far.Keep it up.You are confusing her which is what we want out of Plan A(partly so).You are making her question her very own behavior AND the OM.Remember not to LB or DJ.

Think about coming to GQII,it's more mainstream and there is more traffic.You sound ready.**Get a profile too!

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

P.S. I highly recommend the book: "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.It was excellent,kind of like Anatomy of an Affair 101.I highlighted half the book!

<small>[ February 21, 2005, 02:16 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Chris -CA123
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To be honest, I've never been one to use LBs much. My biggest fault would fall into 'disrespectful judgements'. If she is letting the kids get away with something I didn't feel was appropriate, or if the house would get messy, I've been known to say a sarcastic line. Other than that I'm not demanding at all, have never yelled or cursed at her, and can't remember the last time I lied. She did point out the LB on DDay, and it will be something I'll work on.

OctoberGirl
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Your explanation seems rational and fits pretty well with my situation. I don't like to think that she has a horrible mental image of me, but I need to face the fact that that is probably the case.

I've got Harvey and Shirley's books on order and will devour them as soon as they arrive.


I'll hop over to the other board. I'm still in the "fog" and need to dig deeper to understand why I enabled things to go this way. Hopefully they'll go easy on me!