I just found out last night that my W is having a long distance email A. This will be her second A within the last five years. The first A was with my boss no less, and was very sexual and emotional and lasted for over 1 year. Any advise on whether to try to save our 18 year M?

Hello,

I am sorry for your pain. This is a difficult question to ask since only you know how much you are willing to accept. Your wife had a one year sexaual affair with your boss? How totally devastating and humiliating it must of been for you. I am sure that this was a double betrayal for you. Clearly you are a forgiving person to not have divorced her then. You gave her another chance and now you say you caught her in another emotional e-mail affair. It seems that she has not learned from her previous affair. If you wish to stay in the marriage then counseling is a must.
Ask your wife how she would be feeling if the roles had been reversed. Again only you down deep can answer the question you posed. I would like to know what were the consequences to her actions from the first affair? There is an old saying that says no consequences to their actions equals no motivation to change. Again I am sorry what you are going through. I wish you luck.

I guess my question is...Is this the actions of someone who is in love with me??? Did she ever love me?? She says she does love me. I had never gotten over the first affair because she is not truly sorry for having the affair It was a powerful and emotional love affair She and the OM did not want to break up their families. She is only sorry that I had to find out. I broke up the relationship by requesting to the CEO of our company that my boss be transferred out of state. That was the most humilating experience of my life. Sorry for rambling on

I beleive that the one you should be asking that question is your W because she may be right in saying that she loves BUT what kind of love is she talking about? is it the love a W has for her H? or is it the love a person has for a friend or a relative? If she says its the former then she is lying not only to you but to herself. If its the latter then you have to make a some deep soul searching and decide whether you want to remain married to a woman who is unrepentant about her first affair and whose feelings towards you are more sisterly than wifely. The choice is yours.

TMCM

Hello Danny,

Welcome to MB although I am sorry you are here for Infidelity.

It does sound as though your WW has not learned from her preivious A and the fact that,as you say,she had no remorse about it and is only sorry that you found out is a sad statment on her part.If you did not adequately address the first A,as it sounds like you both did not,then she was doomed to repeat her behavior.

Not everyone who has an A is a repeat offender but it certainly goes without saying that if a person does not handle their marital problems appropriately in the first place,then they could easily fall into the same trap.

Realize that although your WW probably does love you,this is a problem with HER.The choice to try and save your marriage now after again being put through this horrible trauma is only answered by you.But do not rush with this decision.

Can you give us more information: How does your WW feel now about hurting you again? Does she want to save the marriage too or is she wanting a D? Do you know who this currrent OM is? Is he married? How did you find out? Do you have any kids? etc,etc.

I would suggest for now some books: SAA(Survivng an Affair) and HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs) by Dr.Harley and another great one: "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.This was one so good,it's like Anatomy of an Affair 101.Another book I liked was "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr.James Dobson.

Also,set up some counseling.If your WW will not go with you,then you should go for yourself.Read up on Plan A here under the Q&A section of MB(at top).

By the way,you are not rambling.This is a horrible time for you.Let us help.Keep posting.

O

Hello again,

I commend you for your actions concerning the boss. I hope you contacted his wife since she also had a right to know.
There is a huge red flag that jumps out on me from what you have just written. You stated that she apparently is not sorry for sexually betraying you and your marriage with your boss for a year and putting you at risk for STD's. She never had any intention of stopping and was only stopped by being caught. She shows no remorse for this? It sounds like she stayed with you because you were the last option.
You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions and continued actions speaks volumes. What is the point in having a spouse telling you they love you and then continue to seek out other partners behind your back? The fact that she does not have any remorse for what she has done to you and continues to do so to you indicates that she has a broken moral compass. It sounds like her words are hollow.
The fact that she is not remorseful is over the top. The message given to you is that she sees nothing wrong in cheating on you behind your back and with your closest associates if she has the desire. The new email affair confirms this. I think you deserve better.

Thanks for the kind words guy's.. to answer some of your questions.. I guess the only consequences to my W from the first affair were that the OM had to leave the state thus ending thier romance. As for us.. we have been M for 18 years I am 41, and she is 37 years old. We have 3 kids 11, 8, and 4 years old. The OM she is now involved with is a childhood friend with whom she has maintained contact with over our years together. He is on his second marriage and has two children. He lives 400 miles away. I discovered the A last night when I checked my web based Email and discovered that her account was still logged in. I read her recent correspondence with him. I guess I am terrified of starting my life from scratch at 41 after 18 years of wasted time (accept for the children)

Hi again,

Thanks for giving more information.But you didn't mention what your WW is feeling now.Does she want a D? Is she willing to go to MC? etc.

So,as it stands now,you have to decide what YOU want to do.If you want to fight for your marriage,then you need to be doing Plan A.This is not dependent upon whether or not your WW wants to reconcile but rather that you make the necessary changes in yourself and negotiate for the ending to this newfound (inappropriate) "friendship"(EA).

I can understand your fear of "starting over".I felt this too at the very beginning of my discovery.It was probably the biggest hurdle for me to get over because I married my WH for life.I had no idea that I would ever have to make the decision to let him go.My WH thought that I only wanted a warm body to be with so I wouldn't be alone but he was so wrong.I loved him deeply and wanted to grow old together.

But,I did have to let him go and I am doing very well.So,don't worry too much(I know,easier said than done).I can tell you from experience that if that day does come where you and your WW do not have Marital recovery,you WILL be ok.You will find strength that you never knew you had,especially for those beautiful children.But,first things first right?

Do you know about exposure(to OM's wife)? If not,I encourage you to come over to GQII and I will bump up WATS' Affair Exposure 101 for you.It's a great read.

Also,get a *profile.When it comes time for you to transition over to GQII,it will be helpful for those who do not know you to take a look at what your sig line says to be able to help.

Hang in there.

O

^bump^

You still with us Danny?

Hay Danny,

I am sorry to hear abou your problems. You are not alone in this I assure you.My wife did worse to me and this is a first for me.. but a doozy non the less... broken hearts , two families,children not seen for 7 months, newborn snatached at 20 days .. is this my child syndrome .. ya da ya da !!

To answer your question;I would say that you should ask yourself the question.. if she is a repeat offender .. do you want to continue to put up with her behaviour. I know that is easy said .. as I am in the same boat.

I guess to answer the 1st part; the question is do you still love this woman and does she still love you? If you still love her .. pursue in sickness and in health .. after all this is a sickness !!