My husband says he is not happy anymore and I don't know what to do. I got intoxicated on night and another guy reach over and kissed me. My husband saw him and grabbed him and strated beating him up. We separated for awhile then he came back to try and make things work. Well it has been three months and he just told me he is unhappy and doesn't love me like he use to. He has no feelings for me right now because I brokes his trust. How do we get passed this. How can I help him trust me again. I will never something like this again and if he would have given me enough time I would have pull apart. I need serious help because I love him so much that I don't want to lose him. I need help.

Hello Lost April,

Welcome to MB although I am sorry you are in pain.

Let me ask a question: did you in any way encourage or partake in this kiss with the other man?

If it appeared to be this OM's fault as you suggested,why is your WH still so upset with YOU? Is there anything else going on that you've not mentioned? Sounds like maybe you engaged in the kiss too? Is this correct?

How about giving more information.Your ages,any kids,past history(you mentioned in your other post that you both had made mistakes),how long married,etc.

What have you done to encourage his trust in you since then? Have you discussed counseling? Although I can understand why your H was hurt by seeing this kiss with the OM,you did not mention any adultery which IMO is far worse.But it does sound like you may have some issues with alcohol and behavior and perhaps your H too.

Can you elaborate? Hang in there.I don't think all is lost.

O

What happened is this OM was a friend of my husbands. We go out occasionally and drink some with friends. Maybe once every other month. Well this OM had been telling people that he wanted to split us up because he wanted to be with me. I had not known this at all and at know way would I ever be with this OM even if I was not married. I never have kissed anybody else or even thought about it. I love my husband with all my heart and I don't know what I will do without him.

I am 24 and we have been married for 2 years. We are in the process of building a house. He has cystic fibrosis and his brother who was his best friend and like a dad to him died last year at the age of 23 from cystic fibrosis. We do get his brother's son who is 6 every other weekend. So I marriage has went through a lot of pitfalls. We did go to a marriage counselor after his brother died because he was resenting me and blaming me for him falling and love and not spending as much time with his brother as he wanted. We got through that and things were doing a whole lot better. He actually left and stayed with him mom during the time we were going to counseling for about 2 weeks.

I have been doing everything possible to let him trust me again. I have never lied to him and I let him know where I am at all times. He says that he just can't get the image out of his head and he is growing further apart from me. He also says he will never be able to kiss me again and he hasn't in the last 3 months.

He told me last night because I made him talk to me because I told him that I knew that he was unhappy. That is when he told me that he was only there because he couldn't get insurance and he didn't want to lose the house. So I don't know what to do to get back where we were. We are going to talk to our preacher.

I don't know what I will do without him.

Hi again April,

First of all,I am sorry to hear about your H's brother.My condolences.

Well,my first suggestion after what you mentioned is for you and your H to remain a "team" and stop going out with these friends,especially the OM.He is way out of line to be suggesting things like breaking you and your H up because he wants you for himself.You need to run away from this guy,he is bad news and not any kind of friend,not to you nor your H.

But,it also sounds to me like your H is using this "kiss" as an excuse to maybe end the marriage or try to get there.If he is unhappy then he has a responsibility to discuss this with you and make any necessary changes.Afterall,you are his wife.If he is going to start pulling away and not addressing the problems in your marriage(like so many do which often leads to a divorce)then nothing will be solved.

His blame of you being his wife at a time where his brother was ill and dying is not your fault.That is completely misguided.No one held a gun to his head and said,"Marry April!". He made that choice,hopefully,out of love and wanting to share his life with you.That was only 2 years ago.No doubt though that your marriage is at risk if you both don't start dealing with the issues.

Remember April,you can only change yourself and it does sound like you are trying to.That is good.The worst case scenario might be that your H does request a divorce and he leaves you.I know that is painful to think about but this site is rife with stories like this.If your H is unwilling to make any effort toward the marriage and working on the problems,then that is too bad but you cannot change that.

Many of us here have dealt with cheating spouses who never come back to the marriage to address the problems.It's very, very sad and painful but you have no control over other's,only you.I am not saying this will happen to you but in the end,you will be ok no matter what happens,OK? Keep reminding yourself of that.You are young and thus far have no children so you DO have a life ahead of you.Hopefully it will be with your H beside you.

Do see your "Preacher" and suggest counseling again.It would appear that although you said things were better,things did not fully resolve or they have regressed.It's time to explore what is going on in depth with a PRO marriage counselor.

A few books you might want to read:

-HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs),Fall in Love,Stay in Love,The Four Gifts of Love by Dr.Harley;Relationship Rescue by Dr.Phil.It's a wordy complex one but an interesting read(lots of quizes too).

Good luck to you April.I know this is hard.I really hope your H will come around.

*Check out the Emotional Needs message board here too.See what you think.

~Stay Strong~

O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Octobergirl:
<strong>...But,it also sounds to me like your H is using this "kiss" as an excuse to maybe end the marriage or try to get there.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LA,

I couldn't agree more with OG. I don't want to underestimate his feelings but I'm a BS and my WW has done much worse than that and still I always wanted to kiss her and tell her that I love her. He is using the kiss to bail out of the M. The advice given here is oriented towards BS that want to get back the WS. But I think that you can apply a modified Plan A: NC with OM and meet his EN. Also, are you sure he is not having an A? Good Luck.


SM.

LA,

The advice I'm going to give you migh not be very MB but please give it some very serious thught.

It's been shown that the more a spouse tries to 'pressure' the other, the more the other spouse resists and is repulsed, so please Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore your case to your H and instead listen to him, and acknowledge his views regarding the marriage, even if you strongly beg to differ with him. Why? Because NOBODY is attracted to a needy person, even if that person is one's spouse, so show him that you are strong enough to to live without him IF that is what he wants. If he truly has any love for you, then he is not going to want to lose you and will stop his childish transferring of blame to you and communicate with you his fears and expectations as a mature adult to you.

This is not to excuse that what you did was wrong because now your H has to live with the images in his head of you kissing the OM that will be with him for a long time, BUT showing him your neediness is NOT going to help you win him back.

TMCM

Thanks for the advice everyone. I think I am going to give him his space and stay with my family for about a week and just show him that I can do it. I was trying to talk him into working things out but I think it just pushed him away more. I feel like he is not trying at all. So when I come back if he still doesn't want to work it out I am going to present him with SP. I don't want to do that but I don't want to hold him there if he is not happy. I am still upset because we just built our dream home and it is suppose to be ready in April and neither of us will be able to afford it by ourselves. I hate to even think of having to separate everything or even being without him. So hopeful he will realize and we won't have to go that far.

Also I don't know if he is definitely not having an A. How can I tell? I ask and he says he is not that he would tell me. That even though he is not happy with me I am still his wife and he wouldn't do that. So I don't know. I try to look at his cell phone but I feel like I am breaking the trust. He works about an hour away and owns his own business so it is not like somebody would see and tell me. What do I do?

Lost April

Hi LA,

If I were you I would just keep trying to be calm around your H and suggest counseling or at least talking.I can understand your reluctance not to "push" or pressure your H but at some point,he needs to come back into the game here and talk about what is going on.

Repeatedly taking off to give him space or whatever isn't going to really help much.When spouses have problems they need to face them head on and deal with them,not retreat into their own heads and ignore things.

Also,don't present any separation papers yet.Sit down and have a heart to heart talk about how you are feeling and that you want your marriage,etc.Give him plenty of heads up information and chances before you actually go down that road ok? If after many attempts at trying to work on things and he still refuses to acknowledge what you are feeling or to discuss the problems and seek help,then you can consider other options.

Lastly,I don't know if your H is having an A either but there are many tell tale signs that could/may indicate so:loss of weight,irritability,secrecy,strange calls in the night or larger than normal cell phone bills,new cologne,new wardrobe,increased exercise regime,lack of sexual desire toward you,wanting to leave,odd statements like "I don't know if I love you anymore","I need to find myself",etc,etc.

There are many more and not all are definitely signs of an A but you have to piece together the puzzle.Watch his actions.Many cheaters will say they would never cheat on their spouses but end up doing it anyway,it's no guarantee that they will not unless they have some strict boundaries in place and know how to avoid temptation and inappropriate relationships.

"Assume" that he is not having an A right now until you are otherwise clued in but your H defintitely is not "happy",based on what you mentioned and so now the goal is to find out what about,why, and how you can fix things.I wish I had more advice to give but essentially,you have to play detective now and do your best to figure this out.

Good luck!

O