I'm so stressed and really irritated cause every since me and my husband have been having some intimacy problems it seems like every night I go to sleep I have dreams about men from my past. I wont be thinking about them at all that day or anything like that and some kind of way I dream about them. It's nothing sexual, but it is always relational. Like I'm in a relationship with them or I like them and want to be with them. It is really bothering me cause I don't want to dream about these people; I decided not to be with each of them for a valid reason. I wake up to see my husband laying right next to me, and I feel so guilty cause I know what I just dreamed. I know he would be so hurt and bothered by this if he knew, and that's why it bothers me so much cause I'm not purposely doing anything wrong. Each day the dream is about someone different from my past, but when I wake up I feel like the dream has some truth to it or something. Today I really sat down and thought about it and I think I'm dreaming about these people cause in some way all of the realationships where cut off when I got married; kind of like unfinished business, but the business is finished in my book at least I thought. When I got married I just stopped talking to these men. I know I did't NEED to talk to them, and it would only be damaging to my marriage. This is why I cut them off in the first place. The problem is: With each dream I find myself wanting to pick up the phone and make sure they're okay and not mad that I just stopped talking to them so abruptly (I got engaged and married in the same month,and dropped my outside male relationships as well.) I've always been one to have more male friend than female friends. All of the relationships would become emotionally or physically involved at some point though, therefore; I know that it is really hard for males and females to be and stay JUST friends at all times. I know all these things, and that's why I'm so bothered cause I feel like there is apart of me that wants these relationships back. Someone please come with some words of advise or something. I don't want to ruin my marriage, and I just want these dreams to stop.

sunnydays - Okay, let me get this straight, you are having dreams and they are causing you to fear. You are resenting your husband for "being himself," as he was while you were dating. You are resenting your husband because YOU chose to go to work because "there's not enough money." I'm betting that it's YOU, not your husband, who is "hung up" on these things. You are projecting all of these things onto your husband and transfering "blame" to him.

Now even your dreams are "his fault" because he's not "fairytale romantic enough."

Sunnydays, if you truly want to work on the marriage, the work BEGINS with you, not with your husband. He can "learn to change" but right now I'm betting he doesn't even know you have all these thoughts because neither of you has learned HOW to communicate.

No, sunnydays, marriage is NOT a "fairytale." Marriage is for "grown ups" who accept that even a good marriage takes "work" and doesn't just "happen" or get "wished" into existance.

So, if you want the dreams to go away and if you want to have a better marriage, then I'll give you a starting point. YOU need to read it first, and then ask your husband to read it also. If he's not a "reader" it may be hard for him to agree to it without knowing that you've been harboring restentment against him. Tell him that you need him to read the book and give you his input on it.

The book is called Magnificent Marriage by Gordon MacDonald.

Time to put the "little girly" things away, roll up the sleeves, and focus on your marriage and not some fantasy.

God bless.

I know when I dream about the ex's, it is because of unresolved issues I had with them. As a matter of fact, I had a dream about one of them last night. It is completely normal to have dreams like that. If it bothers you a lot, you should talk it over with your husband to lesson the guilty feelings you are having. I am sure he would understand and knows that you would not act on them!

You are not going to ruin your marriage from a dream(s). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> If that was true then you need to look hard into your marriage!

So talk with him OK?

Ali~

foreverhers,

Quote
"Now even your dreams are "his fault" because he's not "fairytale romantic enough."

I think you read my message wrong or in your "own" tone becaue I wasn't saying I blame my husband for my dreams; the point I was making is that I feel bad for having them. I mentioned the past intimacy problems we were having only to give more insight into the situation because I wondered if that had anything to do with the dreams. I appreciate your reply though; despite "your" tone I recieved the message you were trying to get across (marriage takes work).

Quote
"No, sunnydays, marriage is NOT a "fairytale." Marriage is for "grown ups" who accept that even a good marriage takes "work" and doesn't just "happen" or get "wished" into existance."

I know marriage takes work and am fully commited to the success of mine. No I don't think marriage is a "fairytale", but I do exspect to be happy. I don't ask my husband for anything that I'm not supplying or can supply for him.

Foreverhers I think you came off a little stong in your reply--sounds like there is some anger behind it. I don't resent my husband, nor do I have any hang ups. Truth is, I come here post a note, get advise, and either apply it or not apply it to my marriage. I'm not just venting with no plan to resolve the issue. So to update you, the first note I posted about me working a job I didn't like---I did talk to my husband about it and we worked it out. The romantic stuff--we talked about that and he admitted he hasn't been as romantic as he use to (we even took the emotional questioner and discussed our needs). My proposal post- just me wondering what other people thought about the issue not resenting my husband. I would have like a better proposal, but I married him so it must not have been too bad. And now for this post- I plan to keep getting advise cause I had another dream today.

Thanks again for you insight though, I agree marriage does take work.

God Bless You Too

ali88,

Thanks for replying. I've thought about talking to my husband about this, but I really think it would cause more trouble than resolution. I know it's not good to keep secrets in a marriage, but how would you feel if your mate told you they were having dreams of people from their past. Today, weirdly enough we got on the subject of dreams and I almost told him but something inside me just couldn't. I really think it would bother him, and make him feel like it was something he wasn't doing or something I wanted or needed from these people and that's not true at all. I'll keep you posted.

Don't worry about Foreverhers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He is always that way. He is harmless! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well, Sunny my husband cheating on me. And I did hear him talk about his dreams of his ex girl friends. I felt no threat about the dream part because it is normal. Really. I told him about mine as well. We laughed about it too! There should be no threat about a persons dreams if the two of you are secure with each other. You need to tell him to ease your mind. You really cannot control your dreams and it doesn't mean that you want to be with them. Like I said it could be an unresolved issue. If you tell your husband, you can ease your own conscience.
Just my opinion, your thoughts are your thoughts. You don't have to tell your husband everything that is on your mind. If you think that it is going to "hurt" him then write your dreams down and throw the letter away. Or read up on what your dreams might mean. Of course no expert is goig to know exactly what your dreams mean, but it might help you to release these feelings and set them free.

I hope this helps!

Ali~

By the way, there was no infidelity on your end so you can rest assure on that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I really think it would bother him, and make him feel like it was something he wasn't doing or something I wanted or needed from these people and that's not true at all. I'll keep you posted.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whoops forgot to add! You need to reassure him that it is not him! If you make it a big deal then he will probably think otherwise! But tell him!!

Ali~

ali,

Okay I think I'll try talking to him about it cause I don't think these dreams are going to stop if I don't actively do something about it (like address the issue). I guess I'm just stressing cause my h and I use to always share our dreams and try to interpret them. I guess I just don't want him to interpret this all wrong. I'll just have to be ready to reassure him like you suggested. Thanks--I'll keep you posted.

Hello sunny,

I found it interesting that your topic said Dreams of "A" yet you claim not to have any sexual thoughts only that you like them or think you want to be with them.And you state that you feel so guilty.

Are we getting the whole picture here?

I am not a professional dream analyst by any means but they do tap into our desires,problems,daily stuff all the time.It would appear to me that you dream of these other men when things are tough in your own marriage such as intimacy problems,like you mentioned.The past relationships may have been cut off when you got married but really,it isn't any business of these other men anymore how YOU are and nor is it your business how THEY are doing now.Seeing "if they are OK".YOU DON'T NEED "CLOSURE",YOU DON'T NEED TO RECONNECT.DON'T GO THERE.

On a basic level,I think that you are dreaming of these men because of the issues in your current marriage.You may be subconsciously wanting to "escape" and go back to what you have known.You might be thinking about the what if's and could have beens' with these other men but we all know that will not solve anything.

**You admitted you wanted these relationships back**

Yes,you do need to take a cold hard look at your mariage,your H and what is going on.I would say your marriage is in trouble.You do not want to be a wayward spouse,trust me on that.Infidelity is as ugly and as painful as you can ever imagine.Make sure your H knows how you are feeling.

O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and that's why I'm so bothered cause I feel like there is apart of me that wants these relationships back. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think she meant by relationships back is that she wants the friendship back! Not the romance part.

Maybe you're missing the friendship part and regret cutting them off???? Talk that over with the husband! What do you think he might say to you if you tell him that you miss their friendship? I know might sound crazy but if miss the ties and your marriage is secure, why not? OK don't chew me a new one here. But I know a lot of people that have friendships with their ex's and are living a great marriage!

JMO,I don't think your marriage is any type of trouble. Really, I don't! I think you miss the friendship that's all!

Ali~

<small>[ February 26, 2005, 10:04 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

Ugh.Boy do I disagree with you Ali( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) but I don't think sunny is coming here to read anymore.I hope she does again though.

O

Really, you disagree with me?

You could be right. I am just going by her post which was very general. It is so hard to see things the real way when you just read a post. Because we really don't know the history on them. Dreams are particularly hard to discuss. It is amazing what our conscience does when we are under a great deal of stress, or when we stuff things. But in my opinion, I think she just misses her friends.

Well, I hope she does come back here to read.

Later O.

Ali~

The August 9 issue of Newsweek had some excellent information on the latest dream research. Frankly, I don't think anyone need feel guilty about what their subconscious generates in the middle of the night.

Here is the link to the Newsweek article;

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5569228/site/newsweek/

Be sure to also read pages two and three. The links to these additional pages are at the bottom of Page 1.

Ali and Good News,

Whatever role sunny's dreams have in her life right now,it's clear to me she is at a crossroads.She admits to having intimacy problems with her H and she is concerned about her feelings for these past relationships with the other men.I recognize these statements as conflict within herself.Even though they are "just" dreams,they are bothering her enough that she has them every night and she is here on this board,seeking help.This to me says her marriage is in trouble.Not full blown Adultery like trouble but a state where she needs to talk to her H about how she is feeling and explore this in depth before it get's out of hand and she does come back here due to adultery with one of these past "friends"(worst case scenario).

It would be extremely foolish not to take this seriously NOW and nip it in the bud before it exacerbates.We know how easily "friendships" with the opposite sex can influence our behavior and even become inappropriate.Unless people are very aware and educated about boundaries and their own short comings,you can be vulnerable and I think sunny is right now.And most of us here know how badly things can turn out when we let any problem fester and don't bring it to the table right away(attn: WS's).

Anyway,I do wish she would post back and let us know how she is.

O

edited for typos

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 07:09 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

October, I like your trailer. Let's try applying it in this case and take Sunny's confession @ face value. In other words, these are dreams, mere figments of the subconscious. They may or may not have any relevance beyond the subconscious level. I think there is a very real danger when people attempt to discern something from their dreams or worse yet, attempt to interpret them. Perhaps Sunny's intimacy problems stem from her dreams because she feels guilty for having them. Of course, she may not be telling us the whole truth, but let's assume that she is until she divulges otherwise.

Now then, if these were day dreams, then that might be a little different. Day dreams take place within the confines of conscious reality and that would include waking desire. However, dreams occuring during sleep and without the restraint of conscious reality could indicate nothing more than random conjugation of thought bytes. The fact that they are repetitive in nature is troublesome only to the degree that she herself is troubled. All I am saying is that she need not feel guilty for having those dreams--unless she is acting them out or wants to act them out during waking hours. Beyond that, IMO, dreams during sleep are nothing more than random thought bytes occuring outside the boundaries of conscious restraint.

Hi GN,

In the first few sentences of sunny's post,she claims that * ever since* her H and she have had initmacy problems she has had these dreams.So,that to me says the problem was there before the dreaming began.Furthermore,because of this issue,she is subconsciously or whatever you want to call it,trying to deal with it.It's not only pervaded her subconscious but it's affecting her waking hours too to the degree that she is upset now and trying to make connections.

Many of us here on MB who have been traumatized by a spouses adultery dream repeatedly about the A and other aspects of it(realistic or bizarre forms) and it most certainly DOES relate to what we are dealing with during our waking hours.

Sunny admits to possibly wanting these relationships with the other men back and even so far as to want to call them and see how they are doing after she wakes up and whether or not that is solely attributable to her dreams or other specific means we do not know but from what she has mentioned I'd surmise that it's not "just" the dreams,it's the state of her marriage.Sunny has not retruned to clue us in more at this point so we are going by what little info she has allowed here.

I agree that no one should feel guilty for the dreams they have but in this particular case,there may be more than meets the eye.

O

October, I see and understand your point of reference. However, it could be circumstantial. I say this only because we are talking about dreams occuring during sleep.

Sunny admits to possibly wanting these relationships with the other men back

She also states that she does not think about them during the day and that this only occurs during sleep. I believe she is very confused at this point and is attempting to resolve her marriage conflict issues via interpretation of her repetitive dream cycle. I think that is ill advised and I maintain that her mind is exploring possibilities during sleep that she should not be held accountable for. She seems to want to believe that her dreams have a meaning for which she must find an interpretation. I say hogwash! 'Tis only a dream. Now then, if you have problems with relational intimacy with your spouse, don't look to your dreams for a solution. Rather, seek a qualified MC and work to find a realistic solution during your waking hours. In other words, don't just sleep on it...work on it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well,in closing,I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree on this but it's probably a moot point anyway.We're all keeping this thread alive and the originator has yet to return.Lol.

Oh well.On to the needs of other's~ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

O

But this is great discussion. Like I said, no one really knows what dreams are. Some experts believe that it comes from our inner desires, some think that this is our sub conscience giving us messages. Some believe that dreams are ways of winding down from the day or what is too come. Anyone remember the dreams we got before we got married? I remember I had a reoccurring dream that I wasn't wearing my shoes during my wedding. And one occurring dream, I was wasn't even dressed for my own wedding. Hey LOL, it could have been my minds way of telling me to run!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
But there are so many variables to why we dream that no one could really know the meaning behind it! A mystery unsolved!
But I do know that I have dream about my old boy friends lots of times. I still do. Not that I want to be with them. I think it was because they were a part of my life and was once special to me.
Or I know that I have dreamed about a particular friend in a while that I have talked to in a while. Maybe it was my conscience way of telling me that I should call???? Like I said who really knows. The thing is not to read too much into them as Sunnydays is. She is feeling guilty for something that never happened and not really looking into the real issue. Gulp, Foreverhers might have a point. I think October you were sort of in the direction as he was but in a less harsh way of putting it. Maybe there is a major problem that she is not recognizing and her sub conscience is telling her????
Oh whatever the case might be we will never know.

Speaking of dreams, I had a dream that I told the OW that I wasn't mad at her anymore! Humm, am I forgiving? I think I am going to post that as a new thread! Care to help?

Ali~

Ali, I like your sense of humor and I agree that dreams are pretty ridiculous at times. That fact alone makes their meaning entirely unreliable, IMO. For example, the most vivid and realistic dream of my entire life centered around a certain young woman in the church I attended about 25 years ago. I thought surely it was a sign from God that she would become my future wife since I had never even considered asking her out prior to my dream. After one date, however, it was more than obvious that there simply wasn't any chemistry between us whatsoever. That said, I have solved math problems as well as certain construction problems while dreaming about them in my sleep. The subconscious mind never rests and is always searching for solutions while we sleep and dream. Occasionally I dream about my deceased parents as I miss them very much. My wife dreams quite often, but I find that I dream less and less as my wineskin ages. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Okay, one last funny dream that my wife had two nights ago; she woke me up with her giggling so I nudged her and asked her about her dream. She said a man was renting a new convertible and was figuring out how to work all the controls. He activated the windshield wipers with the top down and it squirted clear over his head and hit one of his kids in the face in the back seat. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Care to intepret that one? Actually, I think it means that my wife has always wanted a convertible mustang just for the fun of it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take care,

GN