I found out that my W had a 5-month affair with someone she met on a business trip that live in another state. She told me and he told his wife without being discovered. She has told me that the affair is over. He has also quit his position.

The problem that I am having a month later is that I want them to stop contacting each other. Some of the material in here says that the contact must stop if the marriage is to have a chance. Another column suggests that I not demand anything. What should I do?

All I want is to start the process to work on our marriage but she doesn't seem to want to talk to me about it. We have a therapist, but he is so booked that we have only been in to see him once. He suggested that we talk to each other as much as possible.

I have even thought of calling the other man and trying to appeal to his good side and ask him to back off and give us space. When I ask her to do this, she says that she doesn't know.

I just wish I could get some answers.

Oleander,
Although I am new to this myself, my advice would be to ask for no contact with the OM. It will help both of you get passed what has happened. I demanded it from my H, before I came to MB, and luckily he agreed that I was right. EVERYTHING I read says NO CONTACT, especially if there is no reason for her to talk to him.
Maybe others will be better at giving advice. I hope you find what you need!

Hello,

It is absolutely essential that there be NO Contact between your wife and the OM. This is non debatable. You cannot have recovery without no contact in place. Your wife had a 5 month sexual affair with this OM and betrayed your marriage and put your health at risk. The Harley's believe NO contact is a must. Otherwise your wife is still disrespecting and humiliating you. How would your wife feel if the roles were reversed?

They cannot be friends and cannot have contact. This is a line in the sand. There has to be consequences to her actions. If she refuses to stop contact then she is giving you a clear message of her priorities. No contact or no marriage. You cannot recovery with contact. You cannot be a doormat on this issue. I wish you luck.

Oleander,

You don't need to demand she stops seeing the OM, but you have to tell her how much it hurts to you that she keeps contacting him and how you think that the only way you can save your marriage is that they have NC. NC has to be her choice. Also tell her that you have the right to know everything that they communicate to each other. Keep snooping, keep checking all her stories, BS have all the reasons to be paranoid. Good luck.

SM.

So is it a mistake to ask the OM to stop contacting her if she does not make the choice?

By the way, where can I get up to speed on the abbreviations used in this forum?

Oleander,

You should read this guide

Affair Exposure 101


Also you can check this post

Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes

SM

Oleander,

You cannot and should not demand your W NC with the OM BUT you can convey to her that each day that she is non-commital regarding NC is one more day that your love for her dies little by little and that one day there won't be anymore love for her to continue wanting to remain married to her. This is NOT an ultimatum but a warning that the ball is on her side of the court.

Furthermore, you must convey to her that any long term plans for the future must be put on hold [i.e. new house; kids] until there is enough evidence of her committment towards rebuilding the marriage [i.e. NC with OM with a NC letter written by her and delivered by you; willingness to follow the MB principles outlined in The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage.].

She must understand that just because she said to you that the affair was over, that it is not enough for you to feel secure and hopeful with regards to the future. If she truly cares about you and the marriage, then it is time that she start putting her money where her mouth is.

TMCM

I will give it a try. I hope she can figure it out. When she goes a few days without contact with him, she starts to communicate and act like she is feeling better around me. We went on a short trip to get away just after D-day and she was like the old person I married. She starts showing compassion and feeling, until there is a contact, and then it is like she is pissed at me for something (gets very cold). Following the rules on this site becomes incredibly difficult at those moments.

Is it too early yet? How long should I put up with this? I do not want to lose my wife. I believe in the things I am reading here and other places of our success rates. I just hate feeling so powerless in a situation with this much impact on my life.

Thanks everyone.

Oleander,

Nobody wants to lose a loved one but you do yourself [or your W] no favors by letting your fear become dictate your actions. You could potentially do all the right things and you can still end up losing your W. So make peace with the fact that you have no power over her, only yourself and your actions. If you beleive that she will shutdown with regards to any talk about NC then you may want to consider the idea of writting her a letter explaining all of your thoughts and feelings especially regarding NC with the OM. This has the advantage of allowing her to learn what's inside your head and heart without fearing an encounter with you that can turn nasty and leave her feeling banged up. So please consider it.

TMCM

Okay, well we had our talk about the NC and it all came out finally. She did not agree to it. But when she did open up, I found out that I had not been very thoughtful towards her needs for more than three years now. And in discussing them, she told me that she honestly is not interested in trying to rebuild the marriage. She did say that she will enter into couple’s therapy with me.

She said that she dreads coming home and doesn't want to live in our house. I now sleep in the basement to try and make it easier for her to continue to live at home. We sort of avoid each other right now. I'm not sure if that is the right idea.

The things that she mentioned to me are very serious problems and I feel terrible for the way I made her feel. I wish that she would understand that I was doing these things out of ignorance, not intention. My plan is to change myself based on these issues. I never want to do these things to anyone else again. I want to love her the way she wants to be loved, but I feel that my efforts will fall on dead/deaf ears.

I am beginning to realize that the root of my problems is lack of action and procrastination. Because I miss out on the positive rewards that come with goal reaching, I have lost self esteem and that has made efforts with her more difficult. Although I may have lost her already, I am putting together a plan for me.

I have compiled a list of the offenses that lead to missing many of her needs. I am addressing them and putting together actions - not words - that will convey my true feeling on this. I am prepared to have my efforts rejected, and even fail. But I will not give up, until the time when I am forced to go with plan B. I will take pride in knowing that if this doesn't work out for us, I will have done everything I could to rebuild it. You were right, I can only help myself. The changes that I will be enacting will be positive for me in either outcome. I will use this massive stressor to fuel a personal reconstruction.

Thanks for the support here. I appreciate it.

P.S. I just reread this and it sounds as if I am regurgitating text that I have read. And it sound a little too early to have this kind of clarity. Maybe it is, but after writing this, I feel better than I have since D-day. I feel like I have some control again. And I am inspired.

Part of me writing this down is so that I get out my plan and my feelings into the open. But part of it is to just so I can make a commitment that others will hear. If you think I’m nuts, I’ll grant you your opinion.

Thanks again.