I recently found out some email communication between my husband and a work colleague that are very suggestive. The context of the emails suggest that there could have been a relationship between my husband and this lady. He says there was nothing but it is hard for me to believe this.


I do want to believe him (that there was nothing going on between the two), but the evidence from the emails suggest otherwise. I need someone to look at these emails objectively and tell me what they think….


Thanks for your help.


Tsisti

T, am so sorry you have ended up here. But I will tell you it is a good place. It does help.
There are others here that have been around for quite sometime and they are very much a help. They will respond to you. I thought I might post to you because I remember when I first posted a week ago I was desperate to hear something from anyone. I needed help just like you do to decifer fact from fiction.

E-mails were exactly what gave me pause for concern also. They were not specific enough to know exactly what was going on. NO they just did not feel right to me. They were somewhat flirtaeous and because my H worked with this person I definetly knew the tone was to personal and therefore not on just a professional level.

I have since found out that H was having an EA ( emotional affair). It is still hard for me to accept and really hurts but if I want to rebuild my marriage I will work through that.

I am big on truth. You cannot solve anything without it as you do not know what you are dealing with.

The people here with more experience will suggest what you should do next.

Is the content of the e-mails specific?

Hang in there again I tell you these people will help you and in the meantime READ, read everything on this site.

AWife

Tsitsi

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. WS are very fond of lying but they are also very slopy in covering their tracks. Check all his e-mails accounts (if you need you can install some sort of keylogger in your PC, look around in the forum for some brands). Also check the internet history to see what sites he has been visiting (look for porn sites, Victoria Secrets, Lover's Lane, etc.) Also you can check the cache (netscape) or the temporary internet files (explorer). If you need help with any of this please feel free to ask. Another thing you can look at is the cell-phone call log. If you want you can ask you phone company to send you a detailed log of the last months. If you want to go more hi-tech and your wallet can afford it you can install from recorders to GPS tracking in the car.
If you want me to look at the e-mails you can send them to sad_man_28 at hotmail.com

Take care,

SM.

Do you want to post the emails on here so we could take a look or do you feel more comfortable emailing them? Let me know! meganluvsmike2002@yahoo.com

<small>[ February 23, 2005, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: Hurt5-04 ]</small>

Thank you guys for offering to help me come to the bottom of this. I will try to attach the emails in question here, so that you can have a look at them and help me make sense of them. Feel free to comment on the forum or email me privately.

I have also given a little background to the emails that I think may be of help in interpreting the emails.

Thanks for your help.

Tsitsi
----------------------------------------,
A little background to these emails.

The time these emails were written we had just relocated to another state although my husband was still working with the same organisation. He located in June to the new state and I followed him 3 months after; early September. These emails communications are between him and his old workmate who I have given a pin name Colleague??. Colleague ?? is the person in question.

When you are synthesising this information, please do not think in the main stream American Mentality. Our culture is very conservative especially when it comes to women relationships and we are NOT very expressive (my husband is more traditional than I am). These women referred to in this email are from the same cultural background as ourselves.

Please read all the emails in their entirety and feel free to email me with questions if you need further clarification.

Thanks so much for your help. I need to know the truth, so that I know what I am dealing. I am working towards healing and reconciliation with my husband, but I want to know what I am healing from: is it an emotional affair, an old affair or my own imagination?
------END OF BACKGROUND------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
BELOW ARE THE EMAILS IN QUESTION

Message 1, three messages in one.

-----Original Message-----
From: Colleague ???
Sent: Friday, September 26, 2003 9:59 AM
To: My Husband
Subject: Re: FW: you lied


I miss you too, so much. Did she have to write it now? She should have written it earlier. But you should also understand that even if we meet in ten years' time, then i will be 33, almost 34 and we have an unresolved issue, we will still argue over it. I think life is a circle (this is true for me) and its good that i can at least rest my case (i mean it). Thanks for sharing this with me. You know this is the only and i mean the only issue that i ever doubted your word. It was difficult to believe given all that was
happening on the other end but who would blame her. I don't know if i should say this, but can you consider keeping your yahoo a/c. I know its not for me to say,
but om just realising that it means a lot to me, not that i would want to use it for naughty stuff, but for you to close it would be very symbolic of an end to my
relationship with you. I am just asking you to consider.

Colleague ???




From: husband@yahoo.com
Sent: Thursday, September 25, 2003 9:59 PM
To: Colleque???
Subject: Re: FW: you lied

--- my husband husband@yahoo.com wrote:

> If it were those days, this e-mail would have been appropriate to convince
> you that nothing happened between me and her. This email made my day
> yesterday. At least, for once I felt appreciated after what I have just gone
> through which naturally makes one feel very rejected.
>
> It was nice listening to your giggling this morning. Sometimes just call me
> and giggle to my ears...ha, ha, ha.
>
> I miss you but I think soon I will grow to accept the reality!
> Cheers!!!!
>
>

> -----Original Message----- The forwarded message to Female colleague XX.
> From: Female colleague XX
> > Sent: Thursday, September 25, 2003 9:48 AM
>To: husband@yahoo.com
> Subject: RE: you lied
>
> Hie,
>
> I was just thinking about you today and have this to tell you! I do value
> you as a good friend and I always tell people without even feeling ashamed
> that I have a very special friend who is everything in one (i.e friend,
> colleague, big brother, confidante). Even if I happen to meet someone along
> the way (if it happens!) I'll make sure that he knows that there is someone
> special out there. You deserve it because you are one man who is very
> principled. Had you been one of those we know, you'd have taken advantage
> of me and would have had your way with me so many times. I think it's also
> because of your upbringing and the fear of the Lord.
>
I hope TSITSI realises how blessed she is.
>
> When are you coming this side? When is the baby due? I hope it's a girl.
>
> My regards to TSITSI and your son.
>
> All the best,
>
> Female colleague XX


__________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------¦

Messege 2
--------------------------¦
These two emails are the ones that aroused my suspicion. I have put in CAPITAL LETTERs The statements that makes me question if this relationship was just professional or there was more to it. Feel free to decipher as much clues as possible. I could have missed somethings.
------------------------------¦

From: husband@yahoo.com
Sent: Friday, March 12, 2004 6:27 PM
To: Colleague ???
Subject: request

Colleague ???

Yesterday I joked about you being in trouble for phoning me on my mobile for a long time not knowing that it was me who would be in trouble. I just would like to request that whenever you call me you use my office number. I did not want to tell you this, but for you to understand the reason for this request I have to tell you. THERE IS NOW SOMEONE WHO TOOK THE PLACE YOU USED TO OCCUPY (ALLOW ME NOT TO DISCLOSE HER NAME) and yesterday she was trying to get hold of me and my phone was busy for 1 hour. Coincidentally, this also happened the other time I was talking to you so she cannot help being suspicious. She can’t understand why I use my private phone for business calls. As a friend, I hope you will understand my request.

Take care

Husband
------------------------------------------------------------------------¦

Message 3

From: husband@yahoo.com
Sent: Monday, March 15, 2004 9:34 AM
To: Colleague ???
Subject: My response

Colleague ???

First I apologise that my message offended you as it was not intended to do that. I was actually amazed by the conclusions you made out of my e-mail. Without not trying to offend you again I can only respond thus:

1. I did not say it was your fault that someone was failing to communicate with me. I did not blame you at all for it (re-read my message). I gave you an OK to call me on my mobile and I was this time just telling you that it is not OK. May be I could not have given you the reason but again, you would have been wondering why and given that there was nothing going I did no see any reason why I could not say it. Now, you can take rightfully your apology back as it makes no difference to me because I did not ask you to apologise and neither did I accuse you of anything.

2. I have never thought your calls to me have any other intentions and have not said so in my e-mail. I wonder how you concluded like that.

3.I did not send you the e-mail to put you off or ask you to back off because I never detected anything necessitating any backing-off and had I detected such a thing, I would tell you directly. I believe all our calls and discussions have been business-related and that is normal given that we deal with similar things. The only problem was that the business calls were coming to my private mobile which at first I said was OK until what happened to me last Thursday which I was trying to communicate to you. If what happened did not happen, I would not have not have stopped you from calling my mobile.

4. I will not comment on this whole issue about "SERVICE PROVIDERS" because I HAVE NEVER SAID IT, I do not understand what you are talking about and where it is coming from so I will let it pass.

5. Replacement: I think your understanding of words is not correct here. Taking a place you used to occupy and replacement are not the same. You replace like with like and this does not work with love. But you can put anything on any place regardless of what was there before. IT WILL BE TOTAL MADNESS FOR ME TO TALK ABOUT REPLACING YOU.

[Tsisti’s comments this statement above raised a flag, I still fail to understand the meaning of it]

6. While I agree that sometimes I am harsh with words, I beg to disagree that this time around I was harsh with any words. I was just asking you not to make long business calls on my mobile as there is someone who may wish to contact me. And I was mentioning who this someone is so that you appreciate why I am making that decision. IF I WERE TO DO THAT DURING THE TIME BEFORE DAV, THEN I WOULD HAVE AGREED THAT I WAS HARSH BUT AT THIS TIME WHEN THERE IS NOTHING BETWEEN US, I do not think there is any harshness. This is what I think. We may differ in opinion here and that is OK as each one of us is entitled to his/her opinion.

[ Tsitsi’s comments: there was a rumour that colleague ??? had/ has an affair with DAV. This rumour started circulating sometime after we had moved to another state].


Finally, I apologise for the offence my e-mail has caused but from the explanations above, I believe you will understand that the offense was not intended. I will rest the case here for now and hope this closes the matter in the interest of friendship.

Cheers

Husband.
----------------------------------------¦

I think it's skirting the ragged edge... But it certainly doesn't seem obvious.

The part about using the office number instead of mobile can be read both ways.

Hmph.

Sorry I can't be more help.

Jaye,

Thank you for your response.

About mobile phones yes it can read both ways.

My husband’s mobile has a phone log which states the number, time a call or sms was made and the duration of the call. He has had the phone for about 6 months, before he wrote an email barring Colleague ??? from calling. I am not sure when he learnt about the log facility on his phone. So may be he was genuinely baring this lady from calling or may he thought it was not safe for him to make or receive suspicious calls from his mobile, since someone could keep track of his phone calls.

I have only learned about this facility around the time I discovered the emails. He actually told me about the phone log facility after I had asked him to give me his mobile to prevent him from calling Colleague ??? before I had a chance of contacting her to explain her side of the story.

But what do you think of this statement? “There is now someone who took the place you used to occupy (allow me not to disclose her name)” Can you make sense of it? Its definitely not her official position since my husband had no replacement at the office!!!!

I agree with jaye in that I think it's skirting the edge. I also wonder if maybe there is something going on that is onesided. These are the things that stood out to me:

From colleague??'s email to H:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was just thinking about you today and have this to tell you! I do value you as a good friend and I always tell people without even feeling ashamed that I have a very special friend who is everything in one (i.e friend, colleague, big brother, confidante)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not many people would associate someone they were having an A with as a big brother. Even in the less conservative American culture, this would not be considered okay. It's possible that this is a relationship between two people who do not realize they are interacting inappropriately.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If it were those days, this e-mail would have been appropriate to convince you that nothing happened between me and her. This email made my day yesterday. At least, for once I felt appreciated after what I have just gone through which naturally makes one feel very rejected. It was nice listening to your giggling this morning. Sometimes just call me and giggle to my ears...ha, ha, ha. I miss you but I think soon I will grow to accept the reality! Cheers!!!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, this one confused me. When I first read it, I thought that perhaps your H forwarded the email from colleague to you as a means of explanation. If this was sent to colleague?? I can see why you are worried. And then...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You replace like with like and this does not work with love.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what makes me the most suspicious. Unless your H, too, is referring to a familial type of love then this is indicative of the relationship, at the very least, moving into emotional affair territory.

One last comment. Is it possible that you are the one that took colleague's place? Could you be the one that is suspicious of his mobile phone activity?

Floppy,

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If it were those days, this e-mail would have been appropriate to convince you that nothing happened between her and me. This email made my day yesterday. At least, for once I felt appreciated after what I have just gone through which naturally makes one feel very rejected. It was nice listening to your giggling this morning. Sometimes just call me and giggle to my ears...ha, ha, ha. I miss you but I think soon I will grow to accept the reality! Cheers!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This was not sent to me, it was sent to Colleague???. One wonders which days my H is referring to, and why would my H want to convince Colleague??? that there was nothing going on?

His defence was that before we had moved to another state, there was a rumour at the workplace that CollegueXX and my H had an affair and Colleague?? was pestering my H for the truth.

My H being a man of integrity and a confidant, would he betray CollegueXX trust by forwarding a personal and private email from ColleagueXX to Colleague?? just to prove a point?

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You replace like with like and this does not work with love.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I agree, this is what makes me the most suspicious.


About your last comment on the replacement and phone activity:

In his defence, my H said there was a time I tried to call him on his mobile and could not get through, but I cannot remember. In addition, it could not have been me because I could have called on his landline if his mobile was engaged. I usually call on the landline because it cheaper.

I further, I do not believe it was I who took Colleague???’s place for several reasons:

1. Why didn’t he say my wife was trying to call me?…. Colleague??? knows about me.
2. It would be an insult for my H to say I took the place Colleague??? used to occupy…..I do not believe my H could put me at the same level as her unless she is indeed SPECIAL.
3. why should I replace her at that point? We had been married for about 9 years, and this woman came on the scene just 3 years ago?
4. Why would she be angry at this statement that my H replaced her with me because she knows about me.
5. Why should be angry about being replaced by anyone if she were just a workmate?
6. Colleague??? statement “this is one thing I did not believe your word” suggest to me that if my H and Colleague??? had an affair, this other woman was a threat---- Colleague??? had accepted the fact that he was married BUT may be could not accept the fact that my H could also have an A with this other woman. This other woman was competition as they were at the same level (“service providers”) and I was not a threat because if they had an affair, she was aware that he was married. This may explain why she got angry when she learnt of the fact that my H had replaced her with another woman and started accusing him of making her a “service Provider”

Am I thinking too much or am I reading between the lines a lot?

God how I wish I could know the truth about this!!!!

Cheers,

Tsisti

I don't think you're thinking too much or reading between the lines. But the emails themselves, while indeed suspicious, dont' tell enough of the entire story. Is your H willing to do some MC? or any kind of relationship work? I would suggest reading His Needs Her Needs. If your h is willing, read it together and put particular focus on the chapter about honesty.

Also, I'm curious about the big brother comment from colleague???

Any idea why she would refer to H that way if they did indeed have an A?

Floppy and others,

It seems there is a confusion of the emails. This email quoted BELOW was from ANOTHER colleague which I will call Miss Innocent going to my H. It is this Miss Innocent that considers my H as a brother and a confidant and NOT the OW I have suspicions with..

My H then FORWARDED this email from Miss Innocent to this other woman (who I call colleague ??). It is Colleague ?? that I have problems in believing that her relationship with my H was purely professional.

My H forwarded this email to this colleague ??? to prove to her that there was nothing going on between my H and Miss Innocent.

His actions of forwarding a private message from Miss Innocent (ANOTHER workmate) adds to my suspicion.
1- Why would he forward something private and confidential to Colleague??? just to prove there was no affair. Why was it so important for Colleague??? to know that?.
2- My H is a man of integrity and indeed I consider him as a confidant as Miss Innocent ironically calls my H. Given my H's character, what on earth would make him betray Miss Innocent’s trust and his own integrity just to prove a point unless this colleague was someone special?
3- In Colleague???’s email, she says that this is the only issue that she ever doubted my H word. Why was this issue bothering her?

I wouldn’t have been suspicious if this email was from Colleague ??. It could have actually solved all my problems, because the email could have been the evidence I needed that there was nothing going on. Unfortunatley this email quoted above was from another woman (Miss Innocent)....at least I have one less workmate to worry about

Tsisti


EMAIL QUOTE
-------------------------------------------------------------------------,

Ø -----Original Message----- The forwarded message to Female colleague XX.
> From: Female colleague XX
> > Sent: Thursday, September 25, 2003 9:48 AM
>To: husband@yahoo.com
> Subject: RE: you lied
>
> Hie,
>
> I was just thinking about you today and have this to tell you! I do value
> you as a good friend and I always tell people without even feeling ashamed
> that I have a very special friend who is everything in one (i.e friend,
> colleague, big brother, confidante). Even if I happen to meet someone along the way (if it happens!) I'll make sure that he knows that there is someone special out there. You deserve it because you are one man who is very principled. Had you been one of those we know, you'd have taken advantage
> of me and would have had your way with me so many times. I think it's also because of your upbringing and the fear of the Lord.
>
I hope TSITSI realises how blessed she is.
>
> When are you coming this side? When is the baby due? I hope it's a girl.
>
> My regards to TSITSI and your son.
>
> All the best,
>
> Female colleague XX

--------------------------------------------------------------,

Tsitsi,

You're right, I was confused. I thought it was colleague??? that sent that email. And that was the email that had me thinking possibly not an A.

So, now I think there is real reason for concern. The tone of the emails definitely sounds as though he was trying to appease colleague??? to continue in their existing relationship.

I would suggest that you start doing some discreet investigating. Check the temp files on your computer to see what your H is up to. Check cell phone logs to see who he is talking to, etc. If you're unable to find anything within a couple of weeks, but your H is still acting strange, I say go all out and hire a private investigator.

I know that might seem extreme, but if you can catch something early enough, you have a better chance of recovery, or at least making recovery easier on the both of you.

As long as your H is lying to (and I suspect that he is), you won't be able to do anything to strengthen your marriage.

Hi,
I am sorry you are going through this.
I read your H's emails to his "colleague" etc and her's to him.

Here's my .02 for what it's worth...

I think she was in love with him, he was not with her, possible PA. He ended the relationship and moved on to another one. Possibly because of your move.

Keep digging.

I will place you in my prayers.

Hello again,
I got to thinking last night and have a bit different senario:

The Colleague?? was a woman who befriended your H. No physical contact (your H seems to play the line...almost to the point of an A, but backs off). "those days" may refer to the time he was close to her or she was his confidante while he was having an A with DAV. Colleague believes she is still in love with your H and wants his friendship. Your H has moved on. When he writes "reality" it means his marriage.

ColleagueXX is his new conquest. Colleague?? may have used the term "service providers" because she now has your H's "number" (motive). Your H doesn't like XX giving him the "talk". He wants his cake and eat it too.

He sent ?? email to the new XX to show that he had ended their aquaintance, so to speak.

I think your H may not complete his A's. He rides an emotional rollercoaster with other women. Sounds like he needs alot of attention and appreciation and he takes it from women at work.

Oops,
I meant to say, Your H doesn't like ?? giving him the "talk". He wants his cake and eat it too.