Marriage has been strained for some time now. My husband won't go to counseling. I've always been the one who wants to work on our marriage. Husband in so many words told me over the weekend that our marriage is over..without mentioning "Divorce". He says to sell the house (I supposed in 1 year since he plans to transfer to another State) and I should take my money and buy a condo near my work. He has been ignoring me, sometimes answers yes or no to my questions if he feels like it, and very mean towards me. I have been very civil, no raising my voice, no attitude, just being nice to him.

I do not know if there's another woman in the picture. So far, there's nothing in his emails or cell phone records. Although knowing him, since he's in this frame of mind that we'll be heading for splitsville, he will make himself available if he hasn't already.

I am wife No. 3. Perhaps, he's making my life miserable so I will initiate the divorce.

I am a recent born again Christian. I have been praying and praying for reconciliation. I know he doesn't want to try to make it work, in his mind, he's given up. 2 years ago he put a rental deposit and was planning to move out. He changed his mind. He said he'll try, but things were not solved because without counseling it 's repeating itself again. I did go to counseling myself. I am trying to get a christian counselor through the church now.

I guess my question is what do I do ? Just wait around for the divorce papers? How am I suppose to interact with him? He basicaly ignores me, so we are 2 people living in the house but not talking to each other. Even if he told me today that he'll work on the marriage, there are so many other issues that without counseling it's not going to work.

You're in a hard situation and frankly, with the information you've given, I'm not even sure an A is what you're looking at. In most circumstances like yours, I'd say definitely, but since you are wife number 3, I'd say there are other larger issues at work. Can you give us more details regarding your timeline. How long have you been married, how old you and your husband are, has husband had affairs in the past. It might help to pinpoint the problem.

You also might want to try Dr. Harley's wife's radio program. Dr. Harley is a guest on Monday and Thursdays and I've heard he has an incredible success rate in pinpointing A-like behavior. I'll look for your response.

Floppy.

Click on the link in my signature line. Read the links that talk about Plan A. Plan A is designed as a strategy to convince a wayward spouse to end an affair, but it can also be used in other cases to convince an uninterested spouse to re-engage.

It sounds to me like he is having an affair, but then I'm suspicious, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , and you can use Plan A whether he is having an affair or not.

I read that link in John's sig line a while ago and my H did too. It helped a lot for both of us. It's definitely worth looking at.

Hello ilene-lillie,

I am sorry you are hurting.Whether or not your current H is in an A,being his third wife tells you that he most likely has issues that he just carried from one marriage to the next,as Floppy eluded to.

With each succesive marriage,the stats for success plummet.So,I am not sure that this one will survive either but of course,there is hope.Your H will be instrumental here in it's rise or downfall.I hope he will look closely at his role in marriage.

Please take a look at the MB bookstore for some good reading recommendations.Give yourself a time frame when you will think seriously about ending the marriage if your H repeatedly refuses to acknowledge your feelings and what needs to be done(counseling).

And,I would not sell your home until you know exactly what you are dealing with.If your home means as much to you as mine does to me,I would not dare let it go without a fight.

Much luck to you both.

O

<small>[ February 25, 2005, 03:19 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Thank you all for responding. Here's some background.

We are both 47. My first and his 3rd marriage.
One son from Wife #1 and 2 kids from Wife #2. We have been married for 7 years (No kids)although the first few years due to his work schedule, we were like 2 ships passing. He cheated on both wife #1 and #2. His Wife #2 also had affairs and she took the kids and married the guy.

I met H at an animal shelter. I was doing cat rescue work, taking ferals to get them fixed. He was an investigator. When we were dating he would assist me in the trapping and feeding of the strays almost everynight. To make the story short, we have 13 cats. Initially he felt that he was second fiddle to the cats. Then he was pissed that the cats 'ruined' the carpet. But he won't let me find homes for them or allow me to separate them from the main living area. He said since they are my babies and I would hold a grudge against him. I can't win. The cats are just a contributing factor there's got to be more.

I saw an email he wrote to his mother. He said it's very hard to forgive me because everyday he is reminded of what the cats did to the carpets, in both houses. When we moved out of the first house, we put new carpets, rented it out for 4 years and sold it last year and make over $100,000. So why is he still brewing over the first house. Talk about holding grudges. We'll do the same with this house, recarpet when the time comes. If he wasn't going to transfer to another state in one year, I would immediately add a sunroom and put all the cats there. But doesn't make sense to spend $20,000 now. Meanwhile he's acting all hostile and ignoring me.

The cat issue has been an on going thing for years. Of course in between we make up and things appears to be fine. I now realize that nothing has been resolved. It keeps coming back to haunt me. I also do not have any trust in him. I check his phone records, emails etc. because of his past affairs. I have no proof of any affairs in our marriage BUT I do have proof that he had the intentions to meet other women during the times when things are not working for us.

I found out he was flirting with an 18 yr old at the video rental store couple years ago. I called her because her no. showed up on the phone records. She had suggested a movie which turned out horrible and he was bugging her that she owed her lunch for a poor recommendaton. He signed up for internet dating services. He probably thought no one was interested in him because nobody wrote back. Well, I secretly cancelled his 30 day free membership. He ordered pheromone, some chemical perfume like that you put on to attract the opposite sex, so the ad says. I did confront him on this and he was embarrassed but also defensive and even had the nerve to tell me he bought it for me. Oh right, he puts that when he goes to work. Now he secretly orders it, but I beat him to it, dump the crap and refill it with mouthwash. I check his odometer everyday,check his pockets to see how much he 's spend etc. I am going c-r-a-z-y. This is all negative energy.

The only way this marriage has a chance is if he will go counseling. This 'unable to forgive me' needs to be resolved. I can't make him go, so I am preparing for the worse. Time is also against us since he plans to tranfer in a year.
As to my lack of trust in the marriage, it's moot for now. If he doesn't even want to restore the marriage, I am not even going to bring it up.

I would appreciate your comments and suggestions. Sometimes I don't see staight anymore.

Thank you all for responding. Here's some background.

We are both 47. My first and his 3rd marriage.
One son from Wife #1 and 2 kids from Wife #2. We have been married for 7 years (No kids)although the first few years due to his work schedule, we were like 2 ships passing. He cheated on both wife #1 and #2. His Wife #2 also had affairs and she took the kids and married the guy.

I met H at an animal shelter. I was doing cat rescue work, taking ferals to get them fixed. He was an investigator. When we were dating he would assist me in the trapping and feeding of the strays almost everynight. To make the story short, we have 13 cats. Initially he felt that he was second fiddle to the cats. Then he was pissed that the cats 'ruined' the carpet. But he won't let me find homes for them or allow me to separate them from the main living area. He said since they are my babies and I would hold a grudge against him. I can't win. The cats are just a contributing factor there's got to be more.

I saw an email he wrote to his mother. He said it's very hard to forgive me because everyday he is reminded of what the cats did to the carpets, in both houses. When we moved out of the first house, we put new carpets, rented it out for 4 years and sold it last year and make over $100,000. So why is he still brewing over the first house. Talk about holding grudges. We'll do the same with this house, recarpet when the time comes. If he wasn't going to transfer to another state in one year, I would immediately add a sunroom and put all the cats there. But doesn't make sense to spend $20,000 now. Meanwhile he's acting all hostile and ignoring me.

The cat issue has been an on going thing for years. Of course in between we make up and things appears to be fine. I now realize that nothing has been resolved. It keeps coming back to haunt me. I also do not have any trust in him. I check his phone records, emails etc. because of his past affairs. I have no proof of any affairs in our marriage BUT I do have proof that he had the intentions to meet other women during the times when things are not working for us.

I found out he was flirting with an 18 yr old at the video rental store couple years ago. I called her because her no. showed up on the phone records. She had suggested a movie which turned out horrible and he was bugging her that she owed her lunch for a poor recommendaton. He signed up for internet dating services. He probably thought no one was interested in him because nobody wrote back. Well, I secretly cancelled his 30 day free membership. He ordered pheromone, some chemical perfume like that you put on to attract the opposite sex, so the ad says. I did confront him on this and he was embarrassed but also defensive and even had the nerve to tell me he bought it for me. Oh right, he puts that when he goes to work. Now he secretly orders it, but I beat him to it, dump the crap and refill it with mouthwash. I check his odometer everyday,check his pockets to see how much he 's spend etc. I am going c-r-a-z-y. This is all negative energy.

The only way this marriage has a chance is if he will go counseling. This 'unable to forgive me' needs to be resolved. I can't make him go, so I am preparing for the worse. Time is also against us since he plans to tranfer in a year.
As to my lack of trust in the marriage, it's moot for now. If he doesn't even want to restore the marriage, I am not even going to bring it up.

I would appreciate your comments and suggestions. Sometimes I don't see staight anymore.