hi everyone,

just hoping to get more advice. i have written quite a bit my d-day was almost 2 months ago. since then my h and me became so close like we were in love for the first time when i found out he told me it was just a kiss and some talking on the phone. she was a co worker right after i found out he stopped talking to her. we got along so great we were so happy and realizes we were wrong on how we thought the other person felt. we really did love eachother and were in love .when this ow realized it was over she told her h about the a he called my h they had words and it was over but there was more my husband had to tell me.heres were i need advice he said he got in her car at work went behind some dirt pile and fooled around they started to have sex he said we got scared and could'nt keep going on. so it stopped he did'nt end up doing nothing. he did'nt have protection he said he was'nt in his right mind and asumed she was on the pill but like i said he said he did'nt finish. i made him get cked out and he was fine.this ow h called me last week and told me his marriage was over and his wife told him her and my h were having sex every tues and thurs.in her car my heart stopped i called my husband at work let his phone ring off the wall. he was in a meeting but a co worker who knew of the a got a call from this ow h and he told her i called him and i was very upset which i did'nt. she got my h out of his meeting he called me and just walked out of work and came home. he was pissed he knew i did'nt call this guy and we sore up and down this is not true.this guy did try telling this co worker that knew about the affair that my h had a police record. this guy also was mean to his wife abusive and aslo this co worker that new had to file a report agaisnt him. he knew she had something to do with these two getting toghter. do i belive him. i told my h he should of told me everything from the begining because this has set me way back. i had hin write me letter and told him to write like he was telling me for the first time.he did in the letter i found out he called her more than he told me and that we even planned on meeting her after school one nite but coul'nt go thru with it. also when he went out with friends from work judt before x-mas this other co-worker offered her appt and he said no and he was home right around the time he said he would be.he did tell me in the letter this ow did come right out and ask him to have sex and she would'nt tell she askes him to go to the movies he did'nt go. he stills swears this guy is lying ans wants to ruin our m. i am so confused. we were getting along so great he still is doing so much for me. he is still paying alot of attention to me and his kids. something he alwasys had a hard time doing. they r 6 and 11 and for the first time we can actully tell them he loves them. that was r problem we never expressed our feelings. thats all i hear is i love u im sorry. both of uf have lost weight. we both r taking meds for panic attacks.we r reading books hn hn and surving an affair and r going to talk to someone this week.he knows he set us back by not telling me everything up front he addimitted he was protecting my feelings but he was also protecting himself. he knew he was wrong and he did'nt want to lose me. he said he got to wrapped up in work and school to see everthing i was doing for him.my questions
Can this guy becausing trouble?
do i let all this new info set me back i know there is so much love there for both of us?
is it possible to start to have sex and then not be able to preform?

LL
The OW's husband is angry, his marriage is breaking up, he has been known to be abusive. With those facts in mind you might want to consider your husband is telling the truth.
I know it is a hard concept since he has lied in the past and betrayed you but the OW's husband sounds as if he may be exacting revenge.

SM

Has your husband opened his life to you so that you can check up on him? If you are comfortable that the truth is out there, and you're checking up on him to make sure that he's not starting anything else, or continuing the old affair, then I would probably believe him.

It doesn't mean to stop checking up on him - you'll need to keep doing this for a while yet.

Does he still work with OW?

C

i know everything my h does. i meet him for lunch almost everyday. we talk at least five times on the phone a day.the only time i don't know is when he is at school. he does call on his long day on his break the other day is just one and a half hrs.he is looking for a new job won't even give a two week notice. the ow works upstairs.he also tells me and shows proof of every penny he spends.

I think that he is doing a really good job of ensuring that you can trust him again.

Can you get a restraining order or something against OW's H if he keeps harrassing you?

C

CA,
you are actully making me feel better today. thanks. ithink we can. my husband wants to change our phone number but no-one knows of our situration. so i don't know what to tell them i have had the same number for 8 yrs.we r making great progress but i think im starting to hold back again because im scared and because everything did'nt come out at the begining, he is doing everything to show me how wrong he was and to see him going thru this like he was the one it happened to makes me believe he will never do this again. he said he would die first.we r 30 yrs old and have been toghter since we were 14 yrs old.we lost our way and he thought he was just here to be here and i thought the same. we know better now. sorry to add more you were just helpful

Thanks

LL

Ultimately it is your decision as to whether or not you trust your H. No one can make that choice for you. It does sound, though, like he really wants to make this work.

Does he meet your needs? Have you done the EN questionnaire?

As for your phone number, if you want to change it but would rather keep the affair private (which I guess is a no-no to MBers, see note below), tell your family/friends that you were getting crank calls - which isn't really far from the truth.

Getting another job is an important step as no contact is essential to healing after an A. Has he been making an honest effort to look for another job?

As for exposure, it is usually essential to end the affair and to prevent affair-behavior from resurfacing. I believe, however, that exposure might not ALWAYS be necessary. This is up to you. (I do agree that exposure is USUALLY necessary.)

C

C A
Yes he really started making an effect as more info came out about the A. He wanted to stay till he had his Bachlors degree in may But hes knows we can't heal till he has a new job. So he went back to his old boss to ask for a job. this was a small bank and they loved him and want him back. they just have to find a job for him.he went to a bigger place because he needed better hrs for school and his old job was very stressfull. but he will go back to make me happy. we pray everynite the boss will call. he is trying other places to
Thanks LL

LL,

It is good that he is making an effort. The important thing now is to make sure that all of your needs and his are being met to affair-proof your marriage. Consistency is important going forward.

Most of this site is about just that, and you're reading some good material.

I wish you the very best.

C

hi just hoping to get some more advice. we go talk to someone tonite and im scared. do they take you back to the begining. or do you start were you want to start.what do i expect. and if anyone else has advice from my letter on top please let me know.

Thanks
ll