I have recently had an affair, I have been happily married for 14 years but things have changed over the last year and about three months ago I met someone through my job. We have had a very intense emotional and physical relationship. My wife found out and was devastated- she left the country but has now returned and we are back in the house together albeit as 'friends' while she decides whether we can give our marriage another go. I need advice desperately....I do love and care for my wife but still have intense feelings for the other party concerned and am destroying myself trying to come to terms with what I have done and what i should now do.

Have you read the articles, etc. on this website? The first thing you need to do is to read everything you can on this site.

I suspect you think that your relationship with OW (other woman) is something special, never to be repeated, etc. This is common and the first thing you need to do is accept THE FACT that the relationship you have with OW is not based in reality.

You will hear a lot of people talk about "the Fog." This refers to the type of thinking that goes on by the WS (wayward spouse) while they are in the midst of an A(affair). It is often accompanied by seemingly reasonable rationale about why the WS had the A to begin with. There is no reasonable rationale for the A and there is no excuse. You're geing here and asking for help is a VERY good step in the right direction. No matter what happens, this is going to be a difficult time for you, your wife, and, if you have them, your children.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been happily married for 14 years but things have changed over the last year. . .</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sure things have changed, but you used that as an excuse to enter into the relationship with OW. Those changes are not why you had the A.

You also need to end the A. This is going to be difficult, especially since your W (wife) is doing her own thinking, and may not be able to be there for you. You will probably go through withdrawals and want to see/hear from OW desperately. Do yourself a favor (even if your W does decide to leave) and don't give in to those temptations. It will make it all the worse later. Avoid any contact with OW at all, including job related contact. There is someone else at your job that can deal with OW if necessary.

Suggest your wife read this site as well. It will show her that she is not alone and that your marriage is probably worth fighting for.

Finally, there is a large library of suggested reading to which various posters will likely direct you. Start with Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. They will help understand why you had the A to begin with.

Good Luck.

Thank you Floppy. I have had no one externally to talk to about any of this and have just felt complete despair... even my W says she feels sorry for me as I didn't think what the far reaching implications of my actions would be....

This sounds dramatic but the WHOLE of W's family will never accept me again, ever. I know this as I have seen it some years ago with another family member.. and I know how difficult it would be for my W to give me another chance, in light of her familys feeeling about the whole thing.

You are right About OW, I have spoken to her and initially W had indicated that it was definitely all over and we were just in house together to tidy up financial matters and prepare property for sale.... so in my stupidity I have given OW some assurances about us when the dust settles etc... what a mess .

I feel like I have stepped onto a rollercoaster and cant find the STOP button..

OW is madly in love with me and wants to make serious commitment etc, I am now concerned that she won't let go... and because of my hasty actions I will devastate her as well.

I think that on reflection the reason the A started was that my W and I have never had a great love life and an opportunity arose at a company function away from home and I foolishly took it, thinking that would be it and no one would ever know.. but things developed from there. Without being course, she is very passionate and experienced and I think I fell in love with the idea of being in love/lust? again in an intimate way.

I do dearly love my W and care for her and if we do split then I know I have destroyed something very precious... everything we took care and time to build over the years.

How on earth do I get out of mess with OW ?? - just not contact her full stop from now??

I really appreciate your taking time to view and reply to my post... as I say I have had no one apart from W to discuss any of this with and certainly not the aspects that now avail relating to the OW, Thank you.

smith325

Buy and read "Survivng an Affair". It will answer the questions you have asked in much more detail than I have time to do here. You can also click on the link in my signature line to get a head-start on the process.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by smith325:
This sounds dramatic but the WHOLE of W's family will never accept me again, ever. I know this as I have seen it some years ago with another family member.. and I know how difficult it would be for my W to give me another chance, in light of her familys feeeling about the whole thing.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are NOT married to your W's family. Even if your affair had not happened, they can still, at any moment and without a good reason, reject you and there is not a damn thing you can do about it. If your W choses to listen to them and divorce you, even there it is still your W's decision not theirs. So please stop giving them too much credit in the matter.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are right About OW, I have spoken to her and initially W had indicated that it was definitely all over and we were just in house together to tidy up financial matters and prepare property for sale.... so in my stupidity I have given OW some assurances about us when the dust settles etc... what a mess .</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BS [betrayed spouses] react emotionally when we discover that our spouses have betrayed us and say a lot of things that we may or may not mean. Keep your eye on your W's actions and not her words.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like I have stepped onto a rollercoaster and cant find the STOP button..

OW is madly in love with me and wants to make serious commitment etc, I am now concerned that she won't let go... and because of my hasty actions I will devastate her as well.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The OW is an adult and she should have known better that being the mistress of a married man carried the high risk of losing him to his W again. She should have known that a relationship with a man who is cheating on his W does not bode well for her as well ['what he does with you, he can do to you'].

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that on reflection the reason the A started was that my W and I have never had a great love life and an opportunity arose at a company function away from home and I foolishly took it, thinking that would be it and no one would ever know.. but things developed from there. Without being course, she is very passionate and experienced and I think I fell in love with the idea of being in love/lust? again in an intimate way.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You had an unmet EN [emotional need] in your marriage which left you vulnerable to another woman more than willing to fulfill it. Still, you should have communicated this EN to your W and expressed your extreme dissatisfaction to her prior to you becoming involved with the OW.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do dearly love my W and care for her and if we do split then I know I have destroyed something very precious... everything we took care and time to build over the years.

How on earth do I get out of mess with OW ?? - just not contact her full stop from now??</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Simple [though definitely not easy], you write a NC [no contact] letter to the OW and explain to your W that even if she decides to divorce you that you still want to end it with the OW [AND MEAN IT] and ask her if she could please help you review it and mail herself. The point is that your W sees that you are truly serious about repairing your honor as a man and NOT doing it simply as a tactic to get her to change her mind about divorcing you.

If you truly want to convince your W that you are being sincere, then you are going to have to acknowledge your wrong. Avoid like the plague the following:

1. Pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

This only shows that fear and not love drives your desire to reconciliate with your W.

2. Say "I Love You".

Sorry, but your credibility is shot and saying these 3 words will only [and justifiably] enrage your W more. For where was your love for her when you chose to get involved with the OW?

3. Argue or defend yourself [even if she is wrong].

Doing so will only invalidate her feelings and she will close her mind for good.

4. Believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see.

Your W will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. As I said before, actions speak louder than words.

If she still brings up the 'upcoming' divorce, simply acknowledge it and agree with her. If she asks you why you are so calm about it, simply convey to her that as much it hurts you to face the possibility of losing her, that she has every right to divorce you for what you have done to her and that if you were in her shoes that you'd probably be doing the same. This will go a long way in validating her feelings and just might soften her heart enough to consider the idea of delaying the divorce to see how things develop in the upcoming months. If this occurs, then you want to take advantage of being totally accountable and verifiable to her for your time and whereabouts not as a sign of submission but as a sign of love and to lay the foundation for the rebuilding of the trust she had in you but was destroyed by your affair.

Remember, it is not over yet and while no one can guarantee that your marriage will not end because of your affair, you still have a fighting chance of saving and rebuilding IF you follow the MB principles. The choice is yours.

TMCM

Smith325,

TooMuchCoffeeMan has it right on. Read his post carefully. He threw some 2x4's, but they were exactly right.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OW is madly in love with me and wants to make serious commitment etc, I am now concerned that she won't let go... and because of my hasty actions I will devastate her as well.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, here's my 2x4. OW is madly in love with you? So you think. My H thought the exact same thing, but it didn't take too much for her to get over him. At 23, I doubt you are the love of OW's life. First off, she doesn't know YOU. She knows someone who lied, cheated, and did what he could to keep his options open. Not many people can love a person like that all the time. She's lived in a bubble with regards to your relationship with her and I doubt she'd last long outside that bubble. Secondly, she probably hasn't experienced much. Not many 23 year olds have.

As far as worrying about your actions devastating her...WHO CARES. This was something my own H did and it killed me since he didn't seem to care too much about devastating me. OW chose to enter into a relationship with a married man. She knew the risk and continued the relationship. She is not your concern. Your wife and your marriage are.

Read TooMuch's post again and then read (or reread) this sight. He is right that is you follow the MB principals you have a chance at rebuilding your marriage. I'll check back with you soon. good luck.

Smith325,

I agree with the previous posts. Because I wasn't meeting my FWH needs for years, he finally out of desparation turned to a former friend. Their long distance friendship (East coast/West Coast)developed into an EA as they both confided their marital woes to each other.

Immediately after OW's marriage broke up, she suggested they hook up for "no strings attached" sex. After 3 months of coaxing, my H agreed. By the end of 2 months, OW was claiming undying love and urging my H to leave me. When he reminded her of their agreement, she said her feelings had changed.

Because he still considered her a friend, he felt very guilty. He also felt pity for OW because whenever he would suggest that perhaps the A was a mistake, she would get hysterical and threaten to tell me.

I know that you are in a very difficult position. I saw what his A did to my H. Even though I didn't know what was causing it, I could see him falling apart before my eyes. He lived every day with fear of exposure.

Even though he ended the A before I found out, the eventual knowledge of it almost destroyed me.

Be careful that you and OW are not just caught up in the excitement of a new relationship. After my H ended the A the OW contacted me and urged me to end my marriage so my H could be free to be with her. She didn't care that HE didn't want to be with HER. I had already told him that although I loved him very much, if he really thought that he would be happier with her, then I would not stand in his way.

The truth was, he never wanted to be with her, never wanted to leave me. It suddenly became very clear to my H that she didn't care at all about his needs or what he wanted. Shortly after he called her to let her know that there would be no further contact, she wrote a letter to his boss and tried to get him fired. I guess what I am saying is that you don't throw away a marriage simply because you made a mistake. You may find yourself unmarried and very regretful once things cool down with OW.

If you and your W decide to try and recover from your A, be very patient with her. This will be very difficult for her. My FWH and I are 15 months into recovery, there has been NC, and everyday is a struggle in some ways. Good luck to you both.

Floppy, Too Much Coffee, Diane... thank you all for your posts, I find it very difficult at the moment and although it's not always nice to hear home truths, I have found comfort and help in being able to communicate with you all in a way that would not be possible with anybody I know.

Your advice and insight has helped me put some sense of reality into this mess. I can see that the longevity of a relationship with OW probably has a limited shelf life, even though she doesn't see it like that. Life isn't all hearts and flowers and I can see what everyone means about the FOG.

After 15 years of marriage even my wife says that if nothing else we will always be best friends... i know this is true and deep down this really hurts because I know that on two fronts I have not only betrayed my wife but in the same action my best friend.

I will keep you all posted on what happens over the next few days, my wife has said that she needs to make a decision soon about our future, as she can't live in limbo for a prolonged period of time.

Take care all and thank you all again for your advice and thoughts, it is and they are very much appreciated.

I feel I should add that this is the first time I have ever been unfaithful and know that it does not make it any better, although I want you all to know that I am not a serial adulterer..

<small>[ March 01, 2005, 02:55 AM: Message edited by: smith325 ]</small>

Smith,

Not being a serial adulterer is a good thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Although, you are right in that it doesn't excuse the A you had.

While you wait for your W to make her decision, be sure that you have read up on plan "A" and do it to the hilt. Once again, pay special attention to TooMuchCoffeeMan's comments about what not to do. Ask your W if your telling her you love her upsets her or does she want to hear that? Do what you can to validate her feelings.

I especially like the suggestion about writing the NC letter, asking your W to look at it and telling her that you understand that she may decide to leave the marriage but you want her approval on teh letter anyway. You want to make sure that no matter what her decision is, that this letter is not offensive to her in any way.

Let us know what happens and keep posting. Don't quit just because you are in a state of limbo. If there are things that you can't tell your W, or anybody else for that matter, this is a great place to let it out.