Hi everyone,

I am at a crossroads in my marriage and would like to turn to you for some advice. I apologize upfront for the long post but I would like everyone to have a reasonable understanding.

I have been married for 9 years, I have two awsome children, a house blah, blah. about a year ago I found out my wife was having a fling, I call it that because it was obvious that it was sexual and not a committed type thing. We discussed it and I had an epiphany, I realized that my wife had lost all desire for me, and I realized that the intamcy potion of the relationship had been missing for some time, I was oblivious to tis fact as well as oblivous to the reasons this happenned. To be short, I basically ignored her and did not show any appreciation for the effort she put into the relationship and family, stayed out till seven or eight, stopped eating supper with the family, drank too much etc.. I realized that I rezented the fact that she was very careless with money and was being dishonest about where it was going. Instead of ealing with the issue I eventually shut down and just ignored allot of things that used to bother me. I accepted my responsibility and started to try and change and she agreed to as well, we both went to counsellers, during this time we agreed to seperate and work on ourselves. Unfortunately that didn't work out so well, she ended up on-line in the dating and sex rooms, by this time I was monitering allot of her actions etc (she was extremely explicit).... we had agreed not to see others under the advice of counsellers. I didn't react very well and was all over her,calling her asking her to stoptrying to work things out, very needy, she constantly denied any of her activities even when I told her exactly what she had typed. She was constantly lying about things that were brutally obvious and even when I gave her proof that she was dishonest she would just get mad and walk away. During our seperation she spent mos of the time at the house because she found it easier on the kids so it wasn't much of a seperation.

By August she had come home, she claimed to work things out but I new it was because we had gust coming for a holiday, anyway up until October we seemed better but in hindsite it was completely superficial, we were just nice to eachother and did allitle more things to appease eachother but never really worked hard at things i.e. counselling, self-help, discussing the real issues that caused this. She started working in Otober and I told her it made me nervous but she reassured me she would not hurt me again. I found candles and a lighter in her work bag, obviously bringing them somewhere to use, so I confronted her and she made all kinds of excuses none of which washed, but she wouldn't admit to anything, I was really sure something was up so I demnded we go to counselling etc.. she agreed but we never got there, in January I found a note that was sexual in nature and obvious that she was at it again. She said it was an e-mail pal from the summer and he emailed her on her hotmail account and they were just being racey, not true, she emaild him in december and they had three meetings in January, the last of which was the week after she told him I new and that she was calling it off, apparently he convinced her one more time. This is how I caught her for sure and she denied it right up to the point that I showed her how matted the back of her hair was.

I left for afew days and thought about things, I was sure I was leaving but trying to work out how, I make all the money etc...she can't afford a house, i would never take the kids awy from her..how do I do this etc.. Then I decided to make a stand, I told her we would have to go to therapy and have to completely commit to working on the root causes, the resentment, the anger that has built up inside us, if she wants to try and work things out, otherwise I have to sell the house becaue it is the only way I can make things work out for both of us finacially. She now is not sure she is afraid she can't do it, that she will fail. We have an appointment in six days from now. After saying all this I want to tell you that except for the fact that she is completely devoid of desire for me and is extremely dishonest (with me and herself) when it comes to matters of the heart. Our relationship is relatively normal, we never fought constantly we do things together, we laugh and joke around all the time. During any of these crisis she is able to compartmentalize her emotions and not think about things. She never wants to talk about anything and will only discuss stuff when I bring it up, here is where I come in, throughout this process I have been all over her to provide answers to read articles to go to counseling and I can be a verbal bully, I just can't help, I want answers and solutions right away, now that we are at empasse? she wants me to give her time to decide if she wants to work at it or not and now that I have fully grasped the scopr of what the divorvce will do to us I think we should reevaluate or relationship with proffessional help. Question am I crazy?

elocm,

Since I already posted on your other thread, I'll comment in the light of that. I think you didn't get any response because :

1) Your post is not very organized - has big paragraphs.

2) A lot of folks would say that you deserved what you got - since you seem to have badly neglected your wife.

All I can say, is that you should read up on the basic concepts (click on Concepts at the top of any page) - and start working on filling your W's needs and elliminating the love busters from your behaviour. Probably the separation was a very bad idea, but that's water under the bridge now.

Please tell us a bit more about your family.

How are the kids? Who were they with during your seperation? How old are they?

-AD

Thanks for your response, I agree it was pretty disorganized and messy, I was trying to cram in alot of info and hadn't clearly thought out how to organize it. I am using a new laptop and if I try to type too fast I mess up alot.
As to deserving what I got I do agree, I put that info in there so that people would understand that I do realize I had played a huge roll in the stuff leading up to the first A.
All the messy stuff inbetween the first and last A (There is reason to believe there were more but I have no direct evidence)is too convoluted to properly explain.
The reason that I feel so betrayed is when she returns in August and constantly states she is willing to work on it, she is feeling better about us etc... (I had made some good changes what I feel I didn't do was force the issue of working on the root issues)and then she has another A, while maintaining her position at home, even when directly confronted.
The Kids are six and eight, they are amazing, the eldest just got tested for the gifted program at school and the youngest is also scheduled for tha when old enough, I can't say enough about them. During the seperation we shared the time with them, as I said the only real seperation was bedtime and after, they would return in the morning.

Thanks for you advice

BUMP! This guy needs major help!

OK vet posters lets give him what we've got and share our knowledge!

I will have to think about this one. No, you are not crazy. Getting professional help is a great idea. It may not pull the marriage together but you might learn tons of things about yourself and your needs.


Ali~

elocm,

It is good that you have owned up to your personal shortcomings as a H and are addressing them to save and rebuild your marriage but speaking from personal experience having dealt with an XW who had engaged in multiple sexual affairs, I have to warn you that unless your WW is truly and willingly committed to NC [no contact] with the OM, accountability [being an open book to you by giving you a verifiable and daily account of her time and whereabouts], being emotionally supportive of you and seeking professional help, then you may be wasting your time remaining married to her. Calmly, quietly and respectfully explain to her that unless she embraces the these points, that the marriage will indeed end and that her actions will speak louder than any of her words. Then leave her alone to ponder your words.

In the meantime I'd suggest that you wait a few months before you make any final decision for or against your marriage, otherwise a knee jerk decision may come back to haunt you later on. And lastly, continue to work to better yourself as a man and a H by reading and applying the principles in Dr Willard Harley Jr's books for even if your marriage ends, you will be the ultimate beneficiary for having done so. I can vouch for this last point because I am now married to the most wonderful woman in the world [my second W] and I have no doubt that if it weren't for Dr Harley's books and other like minded professionals books, I would not have found her, and married her.

TMCM

Hello elocm,

I just wanted to add in a few things to what the other's have said.And,your post was long but not nearly as long as some other's who have been here.Try not to worry to much about that but do break them down into shorter paragraphs to be easier on the eyes.

Also,yes,it sounds like you were not the model husband(no one is perfect by any means),but until we stop accepting completely that Infidelity/Adultery is NEVER the answer to anything,people will continue to blame themselves for the actions of other's.Your WW was 100% to blame for cheating.Period.You might think that your actions prior to the A lead her to cheat or to have created an "atmosphere" for her to cheat but I don't subscribe to that notion.If things were so "bad" in your marriage according to your WW then she should have taken the appropriate steps to either address and resolve the issues with you as best as she/you could or divorce,not cheat and now think about possible divorce.That's a double whammy that no spouse deserves.

Next,reading your posts I can feel the pressure you put on your WW to get things solved.You want solutions right away.You are a self proclaimed verbal bully.All that has to stop and I hope you are doing some reading and behavior changing.Whether or not you stay with your current WW,this type of reaction is not healthy to any marriage.

On the other hand,you do have to keep some mental time frames about how long to give your WW to make changes of her own and seek help if she doesn't want the marriage to end in divorce.Marriage takes two and nothing will be solved unless there are two partners willing to explore the issues.Since this has been going on now for a year,I would not allow this to continue much longer without some repercussions.Show your WW that you are willing to work at this marriage and make any necessary changes within yourself and then think about a Plan B,read up on it.

Counseling without complete NO CONTACT with the OM is a waste of time and money.Until your WW agrees to end her poor behavior,open up and discuss things and put her marriage and family first,you should keep the focus on you and the children.You can always go to counseling yourself.I did for some time,learning about myself and about Infidelity.It helped a great deal.

O

<small>[ February 25, 2005, 02:07 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Wow,

Thanks for the support, this really is a great site, I had a moment just a few hours ago, I couldn't get a hold of my wife at work, friday afternoon (this is when the last few A's took place), and I kinda had a panic attack.
She called and she was just out for lunch with the ladies from work...I could hear the in the background...man I feel like a tool.

For any of the respondants checking in ...please see my last post in GQII "need help quick" for the thanks you deserve.