Do women ever fall back "in love" with a man that they have fallen out of love with? My wife has given me the old "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech. My heart breaks to hear that, but I can't just give up on our love. She is a very precious person, one that is very confused and hurt. She is trying to be strong and stay away from the OM, but I know that it is a struggle for her. So if any of you out there have fallen back in love with a man that you fell out of love with, let me know. I really need to believe that I can have that hope.

I don't feel this is a man/woman issue. This is an individual decision.<P>We are all capable of falling back in love, whether we are a man or a woman, betrayed or betrayer.<P>Give her what she needs and be there for her, that is all you can do, but it will mean a lot to her regardless of her final decision.<P>I am reading 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, someone on the forum recommended it to me. I feel it is definitely one to add to the Infidelity Survival Kit.<P>

Yes, I do believe that happens. I would be lying if I said that I have loved my H the same way I did when I married him. It's really sad though that when I found out about my H OW, I didn't want to love him. I fought that demon for a long time. I guess I realized too late how much I really loved him. I realized that it must have been a very deep love that was unconditional. Now he is gone, but I still love him. And I'm not sure I want to change that either. I believe through a marriage the love changes constantly. I can honestly say that there were times in my marriage that I would question the "in love" verses "love". But I would just think of all the good times and it would come back. Sometimes it would even overwhelm me. Yes I do believe you can fall back in love with someone, you just have to want to remember all the good qualities that person has. The betrayer sometimes finds that difficult because they are too overcome by the passionate, honeymoon love. It will die out....it always does.<BR>Nancy

Hey Dale,<P>I do believe it's possible.<P>I'm reading the book lovebusters, and so far Dr.H prooves this point.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Thanks everybody. Cindy says that she still wants to see a counselor and that she is trying to be strong about not contacting the OM, but that it is tough on her. I told her that I knew that it was tough and if she needed me that I would be there. I've asked everyone I know to pray for our marriage and I have made up my mind to pray for everyone who is going through this. We all need every little bit of help and kindness we can get.

Thanks for the prayers Dale.<P>I'm glad your here.<P>Those that have used him recomend Steve Harley, he is the expert on infidelity.<P>He councils over the phone. His rates are compettitive to councilors in my area.<P>Check it out.<P>I'm glad you are sounding better. Are you feeling better? I hope so. It's real hard somtimes, Just hang in.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Thanks Bill.<BR>I am doing better, I just wish I could get rid of the hurt inside myself and my wife. She is really suffering and unfortunately doesn't want me to be the one to comfort her. I just hope she doesn't backpedal on the marriage counseling. Once again, thanks.<BR>

<small>[ January 30, 2005, 10:35 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Hi Dale:<P>Yes, most certainly it is possible. I did it. After some years of love but not "in love", I am in love with my husband once again. We snuggle together to watch movies on TV, hold hands while walking, stop to hug when we encounter each other, send each other e-mail cards, generally embarrass our 3 teenage sons. <BR>PS married over 30 years.

hanora,<P>That is impressive... thank you for sharing , especially the part about embarrassing your teenage sons; used to be the same with my H and I... <P>Hope.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<BR>Broken heart, broken promises, broken spirit... let me rest!

Dale,<P> I have felt the same feelings your wife is experincencing right now. I understand where she's at. I am ashamed to say that in the process of trying to "Find Myself" (sh*t, i couldn't find my way out of an open door) I ripped my H's heart apart. I told him the same things too - that I still loved him, but I wasn't In Love. <P>What does that mean? Well, for me it meant that I did still love my H - the love I have for him couldn't be shed like a pair of dirty underwear - it's here to stay - just like you don't stop loving your mom or your dad ... But you come to a point where you stop feeling "sparkly", excited, thrilled, sexy. An affair causes it to wane quickly. <P>The good news is - that since I decided to stop all the bullcrap I was pulling on my H, I beagan to slowly, steadily fall back in love with him. It wasn't easy - I still had feelings for the OM in the beginning. But because I never contacted him and I controlled my thoughts, eventually, I got over the creep. And he is - he's a big, stupid creep whom the mere thought repulses me! Now, my H, on the other hand - I love him more now - and I'm STILL not done falling for him. Sure, we have our arguements, but the good feelings keep growing and geting stronger as we put this tragedy I caused behind us. <P>I have faith that your wife can fall back in love with you - not because of what's written in a book, but because I'm living it. I wish you and your W the best - PLEASE don't stop showing her you love her!!!!! Always be there for her - if I'd have doubted that my H could love me again after what I did, I wouldn't have seen any benefit in coming back to him. YOU can help her love you again. It's slow, it's hard and may seem without reward, but so are a lot of things in life that are worth working for. <P>Final word - pretty soon she'll be the one having to do much of the work in the relationship. <P>K <P>

Thank you Khyra, that gives me so much hope. There is no way that I could ever stop loving her and I know that I just have to work hard and be patient. It was just nice to hear someone say the one thing I wanted to hear. One bit of hope can carry you....Good luck with your marriage, your husband is a lucky guy.

Khyra,<P>My W is that "I love you, but I'm not in-love with you" mode. She says that during the months since discovery she has slowly regained much of the love that she once had for me, but for the life of me I haven't really seen it, or at least I don't think I see it. I wonder if I compare what she does and says for me to what she said and did for the OM, whom she had had no contact with since discovery, and that is why I don't see the change in her feelings for me. Did your feelings for your H come gradually or did one day you wake up saying I'm "in love" with this man.......and how long did it take. I am trying to show her how much I love her and have been working to meet her needs, but sometimes without seeing results right away I get discouraged, your insight would greatly be appreciated.

Hi Dale:<P>I agree that it is possible. I was in the same position as your wife, and I managed to break away from the OM and recommit to my relationship with my husband. <P>Withdrawal is very difficult. The good news is that it does get better. When your wife is with the OM, she can't think about anything else. He is an addiction. Once she breaks off ALL contact with him, withdrawal can begin. If you asked me 2 months ago where my life was heading, I would have sworn that I was going to leave my husband for the OM. Now, I can't imagine life without my husband.<P>Good luck. Hang in there.<BR>

Dale, <P>Thank you! So glad I was able to help SOMEONE! Good luck, keep loving her!<P>Carrie

F A,<P>OOPS! sorry, didn't see your question till just now. <P>The answer is, I fell back in love both gradually and in spurts. Things like sex and intimacy were quite difficult for us both in the beginning, and we're still getting the hang of it (frequency-wise). But, things are much more improved now. <P>Emotional love came more gently and quietly into my heart. I started getting a crush on him all over again as he was still the man he always was who I fell in love with years ago. I began finding him very handsome and appealing again (whereas during my affairs, it was something I took for granted). His body, his face, his movements I tuned back into.<P>Additionally, it took a whole lottery of "Love Deposits" on his part to keep me around, especially when I was still screwing around. I'll never forget the roses he bought me that I ignored and just let die. I'll never forget all the nights he held me and cried and cried and asked me to come back and stop ruining my life. This man is NOT given easily to tears. But I think he cried enough for the next 20 years over all of this. Even when I thought I might be pregnant with OM's child, he STILL stuck by me and said we'd raise he baby as ours. Tell me I didn't find a soulmate. Tell me I didn't make the worst mistake of my life. Why don't I go and flush a million dollars down the toilet if I want to be destructive???<BR> <P>Then truly one day I DID wake up and said, "Oh my god! What did I almost lose??!!" I thought about how painful his distance toward me would be, thought about him falling in love with someone else, thought about him having a baby with another woman and I cried and cried. And we were almost there. Because of me and what I did.<P>I have never, ever regretted my decision to come back to him, and now I'm grateful everyday to see him,, touch him, kiss him - even when he is a bear to be around, even when he's annoying, even when he's mad at me. I am thankful for every minute because I know that right now I could be living in another state, away from him, KNOWING that I f*cked up my life for good and there would be pain I'd endure forever. <P>I know this is more that what you probably wanted to know, but it sure felt good to write about it!!!! I hope I answered your question! <P>A Very Grateful,<BR>Khyra

Cindy is now saying that all along, she hasn't loved me like she should have. She thinks that Laren is the love of her life and that a cruel twist of fate has caused all of this to happen. She says that she loves me as one might love a best friend and partner, but not as one would love a husband. I can't believe that someone would spend over six years of their life with someone just waiting for something better to come along. <P>I feel sorry for her, because the first thing she said about him was that he made her think that he is the type of person I must have been like at his age (she is 29 and he is 21). I don't know if she has thought about that statement or not, but if he reminded her of me would that not explain her attraction. <BR>A possible relationship between the two of them seems so doomed, she is older, professional and he is unemployed and just now a freshman in college. She has dreams of a family and a home and could he possibly be ready for that? I don't know how this is going to end up, but I fear for her and her sanity (she won't even consider meds). Everybody just say a prayer please. Thanks.

Khrya,<P>Thanx for the inspiration. I know that sometimes I grow very impatient and want everything right now, but I have to keep telling myself that my marriage didn't get F@#$ed up overnight and it's not going to be fully restored overnight as well. As a matter of fact my discouragement has me here so late now, but I'm going to sign off, get back in the bed and hold her in my arms.

Dale-O and F A,<P>I'm turningin as well, have to be up "early" tomorrow to drive 1 1/2 hrs to friends' house for New Years' Party. Plus I've heard several muffled callings of my name from upstairs, so I'd better get a move on! Night!<P>Carrie