My wife of 7 years and I are doing the MB program and we have started counseling, I have been the main reason for our problems and she resents many things I have done in the past. "not meeting her emotional needs" I have changed my way and treat her with all the love and respect she should have, but she is still very cold and we no longer make love. I have suspected that she has had an affair, but when ask, she says no and does not appear to be lying to me, still her actions are not changing and our counsler has even ask her 2 times if there was someone else. How do I find out for sure? she says that she loves me, but no longer has that feeling of love and doesn't know if it will come back. If there is an affair, it is with someone she works with and would be hard for me to see.

<small>[ February 25, 2005, 04:00 PM: Message edited by: doug35 ]</small>

Hi Doug,
I'm sorry to hear about the mess you are in.I guess from my mistakes.. I would say that you should watch for tell tale signs like:

1. she is not waering wedding ring
2.she always has to go out with colleague, meeting, work etc..
3.She is behaving differently in bed .. sex.
4.she takes the pictures of your parents down of the wall.
5.She always says that she is tiard and soes not feel like sex.. no sex drive.
6.She shows lack of respect for you.

Keep snooping. You will feel weird doing this, but you WILL find things. If you can get access to her work computer, I would try to get things from there. My H's affair was basically a work place fling as well, and I had no way of getting anything from there, b/c he worked for the fed. gov't. But, cell phone records and temp. internet files on the computer helped uncover some things. I am sorry you have to deal with this. It is not anything I would wish on anyone, even the OW in my sitch!
Please keep strong, and keep using the MB principles. The truth cannot stay hidden forever!

It could be because she has resentment towards you from the past she has lost allot of love for you. It's hard to have sex with someone you resent. I hope that is all and no A. Keep building the love it will take time. It's much harder to build love when there is hard feelings then when you first meet and there were no feelings.

Hi, From my experience. Trust your gut. Look at behaviors. When my XW did not call our children when she traveled out of town I knew. Especially since I took them on a trip while she was gone too. Usually she called 2- 3 x a day. When I did not hear from her for the first 2 days...I was furious. I would not let her talk to them (they were 2 and 3!) until she told me what she was doing. Her reaction?? Fury...she was "working"...at a very busy convention...and will never...ever forgive me for not letting her talk to the children...and somehow made me feel bad....so trust your gut....I found out after it ended...about 6 years after it ended and 18 months after our divorce!!! Well, Actually a "friend" of hers told me about 8 months after my divorce and XW would not come clean...she only did as a condition of reconciling.....

You may not ever know....but if you improve your relationship your spouse will want to come clean....My XW tells me that the guilt still consumes her and telling me lifted a burden....that allows her to deal with her pain now....

Good luck....

Hi Doug,

Sorry to hear about your pain. I would suggest that there is someone else in her life.She is replacing the love she has for you with another mans love. There are some signs that might help you establish once and for sure:-

1. She no longer wants sex or sex drive is low.
2. She has taken wedding ring off.
3. Family picture .. e.g your parents removed from or taken down.
4. Out with freinds or away from home alot.
5. Call on her mobile from man.
6. Is she spending or talking about a work collegaue too much.
7. Set up an e-mail account .. that you are not ware off..

These are all things that my wife done and she started with I don't love you anymore also!!

Hello Doug,

Welcome to MB.

Have you considered a PI?

O

Well to date there has been no indication of any affair, but I am still skeptical of a past affair that may be hidden. I have ask her in a loving way and she still says that there has been nothing. But she still does not see us making this thing work, does not believe that the feeling can come back, I am just confused these days and don't know what to do, she just will not let me back in, but is still willing to go to counseling, Part of me thinks she is doing it to make her self feel better and justify leaving.

Doug,

Trust your instincts. Regardless of what many want to hear there are "reasons" why someone fell out of love with you....

Just to let you understand my case...my xw did the same thing yours did...same exact thing. In 1999!! I just found out about her affair last July!!! I just found out "the truth" LAST FRIDAY!!!

Work on your relationship now....Ask yourself if the answer to your questions really matter....finding out, like going through a divorce, is harder than one can describe....

Doug,
Is your W having or has she had an affair? It's possible.

Unless she is showing outward signs ie excessive cell phone use, unaccountable for free time, I would start with RHM's assumption.

I was similar to you in that my W resented my behavior for years prior to her A. It may be that your W hasn't yet forgiven you for your past behavior. Maybe she is still confident that the old Doug will rear his ugly Hydish face.

If she is having an affair, who would it be with? Does she work outside the home? Co-workers are the #1 cnadidate for other parties.

If you suspect an A, research it. Look at her cell bills. Ask her what she does during the day? Has she started seeing anyone new in the way of friends? Did she talk about hearing from a long lost boyfriend awhile back and then you stopped hearing about him? Same goes for a male co-worker.

Stop asking her if she is having an A. You're just tipping her off that you are suspicious.

Keep being the New Doug.

Mac

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 03:26 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

OK I go back and forth on if I think she is having or had an affair, one day I think no and then the next I think yes. I sent her flowers to work yesterday and never got a thank you phone call or anything, all she said when she got home was I got your flowers, makes me wonder now whats going on, anyone ever use a remote keylogger program?