Well here I am again....about 7 months ago I posted "please read need help" My husband of 18 yrs. had an affair. To make a long story short I tried everything and things went well on and off for a few months. Bought me a beautiful ring for christmas and we seemed to be getting along fine. He was staying home with me and is laid off for the winter so he was always home. Then things got crazy again and he asked for a divorce. Well I knew that would happen if he was still having the affair but I thought he wasn't. Apparently they were still communicating on the phone and the few times he would go out he was of course going to her place.
Well this time I packed up my son's and my belongings and I moved back home which is 6 hrs. away. I am staying at my sisters. My two teenage daughters didn't want to leave their lives and friends so they stayed with my husband. Well everytime I ask when he is going to get the divorce started he says when he gets the money. So I figure he is putting it off until I get settled and until he is done playing house with his girlfriend. When I mentioned that I would start the divorce his answer was...You just have to rush things don't you. So I know part of what I am thinking is right. He gets so mad when he thinks I am going to go out. So I told him today that I would start the divorce because I am not going to sit back and wait until he is finished playing...he just said whatever. Any suggestions? I still want to save my marriage...but at this point he has her in my house around my children and I really don't see any hope....help...we have been together for far to long to just give up. Listener if you are still around I would really like to hear from you. Thanks

Sweets,

I'm not sure what the poll was for.Maybe that was a mistake?

Anyway,you did make a big msitake in leaving the home.This OW should NOT be anywhere near your children or in your own home! Move back right away,kick the OW out.Do you own the home jointly or what? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

O

octobergirl...thanks for replying...yes we do own the home together...the ow isn't living there but she is going there and visiting. If I go back I don't have the support of family I will be 6 hrs away from my family...I am so confused!!! I still love my husband and I think that he is starting to miss me and my son because he has been talking to me on the computer..when I ask him if this is still what he wants and when we are going to get started..his answer is I guess when before it was yes. When I asked him what do you mean I guess he logged off. I am dying here...I don't feel like I belong here I don't feel like I belong there...I am lost...I don't know where I belong. We have been married for 18 yrs. and I definately did not see this coming...neither did anyone else. My daughter is mad at me because I got upset with her for socializing with the ow...I haven't even been gone a week and it is like I have been forgotten. I am about to lose my mind with grief! It has become totally unbearable!!! I can't sleep! I cry all the time and my son misses his sisters and his dad. Don't have any idea what to do...do you think that there is any hope for my marriage? I have tried everything but this...thanks for your input.

Sweet, hearing how you feel makes me realise how appalingly I have acted in my own relationship.

The advice in the previous post seems spot on, although your family are not near where you live they can offer support by phone etc. Go home, after all it is YOUR home, yours and your childrens home, whilst you are away you have no control over what happens and will only destroy yourself assuming what is going on behind your back... if you truly want to try and save the relationship, you will find it difficult to do that LONG distance.

I truly feel for you and hope that things work out.

HUG

Hi sweets,

Glad to hear you are still with us.

So,what is your plan? I have not gone back and reread all your old posts(like I usually do) so let's work from here.Have you done a Plan A? Have you been to counseling?

You DO need to move back to your home right away.Here is why.You own the home jointly so it is your home as well as WH's.You have every right to be there and I understand your desire to flee at the time but that did not solve anything.Your older daughters need you to be there for them in the face of your cheating WH.If anyone should have left,it was HIM.They are most likely confused and need to see a strong mother standing up to this abhorrent behavior your WH is displaying.It would not suprise me at all that the OW is trying to move in on your "territory",trying to usurp your authority and trying to befriend YOUR daughters.There is no one there at home to counteract what they are being told and it could be anything.The OW has absolutely NO business stepping foot in YOUR home! I would be fuming sweets.Does this not make you mad? So you might not have family to help right at your side,so to speak,but you have to be home and start cleaning house.

Like smith said,they can support you over the phone or in any other way but you have to get busy.You need to consider a Plan B and get back over to the GQII board and start getting more insight from the regulars like me.Start making a mental list of what your boundaries are and make sure you enforce them when you get back home.You have basically allowed your WH to have his cake and continue fence sitting.Enough of that.

Is the OW married?

Don't declare you want a D and then turn around and say you want to save your marriage.Make a choice and stick to it.Be careful what you say.

O

I didn't say that I wanted a divorce...my husband said that. That is why i left...I read some of the doctors replies to letters from other wives on this siteand from what i can tell I have done everything while I was there that I was supposed to...what I have done now is the last step...the doctor said that sometimes the wife has to move away in order for the husband to see...he said that the husband would try and make a relationship with the other woman and that it would most likely fail because of me. I think that my husband is starting to see...because he instant messages me and my son all the time...this time telling me to be careful because after not sleeping for 5 days for more than an hour at a time he finally slept and had a bad dream about me. That has to mean something. The doctor said that with this step I would have to insist that he come to me in order to make things work. I can't go back there now not after she has been in my house...now I feel like nothing belongs to me anymore. Not only has my husband brought her into my marriage but now he has brought her into my home. any advice is appreciated but my son starts school tomorrow and I feel like I need to keep him stable. My husbands aunt called me today she apparently talked to him for about three hours the other day and told him he is stupid he knows that he still loves me and she said he told her I know. I have a feeling this may work to get him out of the fog of the affair. We have been married for 18 yrs. I don't think that is is possible for him to have completely turned off his feelings for me. So by now I figure that he has to be starting a withdrawl from me. The week before I left we were still being intimate so I left on pretty good terms. My husband was never one to cry...in fact I never saw him cry...and the week before I left he cried to the point he couldn't breathe. Because of this I know he still loves me...I just can't figure out what the problem is...maybe guilt? Any input would be appreciated. Thank you octobergirl.

Hi again,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So I told him today that I would start the divorce because I am not going to sit back and wait until he is finished playing </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sweets,if you are suggesting that you start the D paperwork,twice,do you not think that that might give your WH the impression that you want a D? What about saying instead,"I don't want a D.You can do the paperwork yourself".

Ok.All of what I am about to say is my own opinion of course and like many people here,you can do whatever you want to handle this.But if I were in your shoes,this is what I would do/think:

1) Move back home.This is paramount if one day,your WH takes you to court and you start closing in on a year and then he claims abandonment issues.If you want to retain rights to your home,you need to be there.I don't know what state you live in but I would be very concerned about the home and my actions if I was not living in the house.So what if the homewrecking OW was there.Go in and use some Lysol! Get her image and scent out of there and reclaim it! If you do not return and reclaim YOUR home,the OW has won.Everything belongs to YOU and your WH.Not the OW.

2) What "doctor" are you talking about in your last post,Dr.Harley? Can you point out where he says the wife should leave because I do not remember reading that as a viable option for your situation.Try to look at this objectively: you have left your home and your 2 teenage daughters in the care of a cheating husband who brings his little tramp over to play "mommy" and "wife".Does this not turn your stomach? Do you not see how majorly inappropriate this is? Yes you may have been married 18 years.I was with my WH for 20 years and married for 14 but that did no matter in the long run.Your focus has to be those kids.What kind of message are you sending your teenage daughters? Think about that.Your sons stability,I would think,is part of being in his usual school with his usual friends ins't it? Now that you are staying at your sisters, does he go to a different school now or what?

3) You have to stop listening to the WS lies and lip service.Look at his ACTIONS sweets.You know that is our mantra here at MB.Essentially,he is still in contact with the OW.You have been dealing with this for over 7 months now right? You found out your WH is still lying and cheating and when confronted he gives you the typical I'm sorry,I still love you appeasements.Well,heres a news flash sweets: his actions are NOT those of a loving committed father and husband.It's not your job to figure out HIS problems.Right now you have to have a plan,stick to it and stop allowing him to run the show here.He is a classic fence sitter.I would not be surprised if he is telling you on the phone how much he loves you while simultaneously opening the front door to your home and letting the OW in.gross.

4) It is true that sometimes,the quickest way for an A to end is by letting the WS go and live with the OP so some reality sets in and they know what it's like to actually live together with all the bills,work issues,child care issues,laundry,etc,etc.But the WS leaves.If he gets all the comforts of your home which most likely he would not in a D settlement if you were a SAHM and/or primary caretaker,then he hasn't felt the full effect of living with the OW.Does she work? Does she own her own home? You didn't answer my question if she is married? How old? Kids? If she a drifter looking for her next meal ticket? What?

We have all had bad dreams about this I am sure but they don't neceesarily mean he is going to suddenly turn over a new leaf and be the perfect man now.I wouldn't bank on that.

O

to answer your question...no she is not married...has no children...collects disability...is going to school and is only 29 where my husband is 37. Oh yeah...she is also on all kinds of medication...she tried to kill herself by taking 2 bottles of xanax right after christmas when my husband told her he couldn't see her any more. she threatened me over the phone. My daughter does not like her and either leaves when she is there or stays in her room. I am not bragging but I am a very attractive woman...at 40 I look to be her age if not younger...my daughter says she is not very pretty...which I already knew because I met her...my daughter also says that she hope she does not become a nurse(that's what she is going to school for) because she didn't even know the correct location of the humoruous...my daughter had to tell her. I don't think she is very stable. But in the jist of it all I think that if I were to go back there I would have alot of people angry at me. They all say that if he wants you make him come to you. I don't want to be in that house now that she has been there. I feel as though nothing belongs to me any longer. I love my husband very much and want to reconcile. The only reason I told him I would start the divorce is because I was mad about her being in my house. He did go and live with her once...I kicked him out and he came back home. I told him that if he wants a divorce he will have to file and pay for it. I asked him to send me the marriage certificate last week and he has yet to do so. He keeps asking why I am in such a hurry. The reason I feel very strongly now about staying where I am is because every time I kicked him out when he wanted to come back because I lived so far away from any support I would let him back in. And that got us no where. He told his aunt that he still loves me and doesn't love her..but since I left he has not said that to me. I want to start fresh...so if he decides that this is not what he wants then I feel he needs to come here then we are 6 hrs. away from part of the problem. I don't know if I am making any sense... I am not having a good day. I don't know what section it is where I read about the woman who did the same thing but it was on the home page in the section where people write letters to get help. I don't know if what i am doing is right...but I don't want to go back there to the same heartbreak. If he is going to divorce me he will do it whether or not I am here or I am there. It all boils down to whether or not he truly loves me and wants to save our marriage and our family. If he truly loves me then he will have withdrawls from me and maybe that will draw him back. In any case thank you for your help...I really appreciate it.

Sweets,

With all due respect,if your concern is making other's angry at you for taking a stand and doing the right thing,IMO,then I have no more advice to give you.I know family and friends mean well but they usually have no clue how to deal with Infidelity the correct way.Based on what you mentioned,you are the one that let your boundaries be crossed and your limits over come by your WH.You let him back into your life when he should have been "given the boot" and you would be in a solid Plan B.

Even if your WH had withdrawal from you,it doesn't always translate into appropriate behavior.If anything he would find a way to continue cake eating and right now,he is doing his best by supplying you with the ILY's and contact while doing the same,I am sure,with the OW,who sounds like a real winner by the way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So,I have given you the suggestions of what I would od in your case.I had hoped there would be other's along to chime in but this board can be very slow at times.Nonetheless,I don't think I can go any farther with you.I can't keep repeating steps I would advise when you want to do the opposite.That is,of course,your choice.But I do wish you much luck and prayers.

Take care now.

O

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>