I continue to struggle w/my H's need for what he terms "flexibility" What he does is tell me he's going out to do X which legitimately should take so much time...but while he's out (often prior to leaving) he changes his plans and does Y and Z and.... I feel that I am flexible in that I hold him to no set "timetable" but when a 30 minute errand turns into a 6-8 hour excursion, I am not happy.<P>In that same vain, we could make plans for some activity together, but if someone calls or comes by, our plans are dropped.<P>This is not an every now and then occurrence, but more of the rule. I feel like he takes me for granted and assumes that I will always be there whereas his friends may not. (He has a problem w/saying no except to saying it to me)<P>This happens way to often and he continues to push the envelope. We have lived in 4 states and his circle of friends almost always consists of mostly singles who can come and go as they please.<P>He's cheated 3 times and I'm only hanging on by a thread in this marriage. This "behavior" occurred before I knew of affairs and continues/has worsened since. I've told him that I can't live like this. Its almost like although it bothers me to no end, he has had no consequence for this and therefore, feels its acceptable. <P>What can I do? I'm at my wits end.<P>Enlightened

He sounds like a big kid, not someone ready for the responsibility of marriage. It's not your fault, and, unfortunately, you can't make him want to grow up. Do these plans with friends include you?

Does your husband do street drugs?

Enlightened,<P>Your subject title I could not resist.<P>Our situations are different...<BR>You in recovery...<BR>Me waiting for my W to end the affair and move back home...<P>But a common thread is the "doormat" theme.<BR>I just finished a second session with Steve Harley... and he's keeping me in Plan A. In recovery... you still do a Plan A... do you not?<P>Check my post (especially the follow-up near the bottom of the 1st page) <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011275.html" TARGET=_blank>Second session w/ Steve Harley</A>. It talks about the "doormat" question.<P>A couple of questions Steve did ask of me were...<BR>"Does my wife love me?:... I wasn't sure (probably not )<BR>"Do I love my wife"... I said yes (99.9999% true)<P>With my 99.9999%-0.0001% split... I stay the "Christ-like doormat" route... the "hard road."... and pray I don't stray... but I am human... we all are!<P>I don't know where you're at... but I pray <P>Working hard to save this marriage, <BR>Jim

Thanks for your replies.<P>TS-<BR>I'm a female engineer also and have followed your story. Best of luck to you...I know all too well how analysis can take on a life of its own in the head of an engineer.<P>I feel that my H is irresponsible and sometimes wants me to play the "mother" to his "bad little boy" escapades. And no, most often I'm not invited. It's usually the typical single guy call..,"let's go here,..." and he's off. I've even told him, if you just want to be out, then say so...don't say I'm going to get batteries and come home at 2AM.<P>Karmagirl-<BR>Drinking and occassional drugs. He knows I don't approve so he does this outside of our home. I can't pinpoint the frequency but any is too much. He feels that the kind he does is so prevalent that it should be legal (if you know what I mean) His twisted justification. I do know that his social events include either alcohol or drugs at least 90% of the time. Maybe he finds me boring since I don't indulge in drugs and rarely do I drink alcohol.<P>NSR-<BR>I have followed your threads on Steve Harley sessions and feel that Plan A, although tough, does work. Without knowledge of the type of info available on this site after first discovery 5 years ago, I did a "modified" plan A. When he finally left OW, he informed me of the prior OW. So I had to deal w/the knowledge of two affairs. He refused counseling and any discussion on the matter. I wanted my marriage and did everything that he asked. He has even told me that I saved our marriage.<P>Two years later, he starts up another affair. Different state, different woman. It has ended, he never left nor threatened to leave me. But I'm still questioning, what's the point.<P>That is why I seriously question his behaviors I described. Is this someone who is really committed to his wife and marriage? I firmly believe that one person can save a marriage...but it takes two to keep it.<P>Many going through this the first time have to get past the thought that it may happen again. Most will not have to ever deal with this again. I am living, breathing my worst nightmare. He did it again (and again). We need counseling, but he refuses. I've gone on my own (which scared him to death) I just don't know if Plan A is still appropriate in my case. I just don't know if I have the strength for plan A anymore.<P>PS. Thank you NSR for your kind words, gentle spirit and everlasting faith that you bring to this forum everyday. <P>God Bless<BR>Enlightened<BR>

I thought there was some drugging going on...you H reminds me of a crankster I once knew. Crank is serious sh**. Messes you up in a very short time. <P>Weed, well...I think it's NORML. It is the safest known pain reliever know to mankind - safer than aspirin. But like any overindulging habit (gambling, masturbation, overeating, etc) it gets in the way of living life as it should be.<P>The only difference between alcohol and ether is the addition of a water molecule. It's highly addictive and ruins lives.<P>IMO, your H needs to address the issues of his partying and then begin working on the marriage problems. Betcha he wouldn't have done 95% of the running around (being late, having affairs, being irresponsible, etc) if he wasn't zonked on some kind of mind altering substance. <P>I think you need a substance abuse counselor...what do you think?

Thanks for the insight Karmagirl. I think you're right. You see, because he was never the stereotypical "drunk", I didn't think much of his drinking until the last year or so. I began to notice the frequency of his drinking and that alcohol was present at all his social functions. He's in sales so he often entertains, etc. but his own personal social and recreational activities always includes alcohol. The drugging is not as frequent but I know that it takes place.<P>Problem is, he won't deal with this marriage or most any subject I bring up and the substance abuse is a non-issue for him. His mom divorced his dad when H was a child because my FIL was the "angry alcoholic" Perhaps he equates a "problem" w/this type of drinker and thus, does not perceive himself as having a problem.<P>I agree that the partying has made the "compromising" situations readily available to him. The friends, the places, the activities, all of it. I tried to be "flexible" w/his need for social activities, but he has taken advantage of me.<P>I've approached him before about the drinking and drugs and he just blows me off like I'm NUTS. How do I approach him about acknowledging a substance abuse problem and getting some help?

"Insights R Us" <P>If I were you, I'd go to an Al-Anon meeting - the one not for alcoholics but the one for family members of alcoholics. They'd be your best start for advising you what you can do and should do to get him to admit and resolve his partying. <P>I don't think building your marriage is step one. I think getting him sober and in counseling takes precendence. First step, tho, is with you - get yourself the tools, support and advice you need to help him accomplish this.<P>Now get on the phone and contact Al-Anon tonite - don't confront your H until you know how to do it right or he might shut down. Get some help for yourself, take all the time you need to get your act together and then it's time to work on him. <P>You have a long hard road ahead of you. I wish you the best of luck - it's going to be tough. And that's an understatement.<P>Peace.

Thank you Karmagirl. I've ignored the impact that alcohol and drugs are having on this relationship for too long. This could very well be the reason we can't move forward in this marriage.<P>Time to add a new resolution to my list!<P>God Bless<BR>Enlightened