It has been just over 3 weeks since my wife told me of her affair with our neighbour (who has since moved). I was in total shock for the first few hours and didn't know how to feel or what to do. It was much harder for me since she had the affair almost a year ago. Also she was 3 months pregnant with our 2nd child at the time.

We were going through a rough time when she had the affair, but I didn't think it was that bad that she was going to turn to someone else.

She said she was sorry and that she wouldn't do it again, but it is very hard to believe/trust her now. It makes it that much harder now that we have 2 kids as well.

We have since been going to a therapist and are trying to work out our issues. But she doesn't not know if she wants to stay in the relationship now. She also is still going to the gym with another guy friend of hers that used to live with the neighbour she had the affair with. She actually picks him up at his house and drops him off after they are done at the gym. She is good friends with this guy and she doesn't want to loose him as a friend. I do not know what to think or feel about that situation. She is a stay at home mom and this is really the only time she has to get out by herself. So I don't want to totally deny her that but on the other hand I don't want her with another guy. Even though she says he is just a good friend.

Any advise would be appreciated.

Hey Jason,

Welcome to MB...

You mentioned that you are in therapy... are you and your wife in marriage counseling together?

If not, that would be the best advice that I can give you...

As for your W going to the gym with this guy, that would be a huge red flag to me... I wouldn't want my W going to the gym with some guy no matter how "good" of a friend they claimed to be...

Semper Fi,
RIF

thanks for your reply. Yes my W and I are both in therapy. We have actually only been to one session thus far. Her going to the gym with her guy friend didn't come up, but it will during our next session for sure. It is hard for me since my W gets so upset when I tell her I don't want her to pick him up. I tell her that when she says that it makes me feel even worse that she would want to spend time with another man after what she told me. Even though it is only to go and work out at the gym. I told her I don't like her in that type of situation where she is alone with him in the car. As you never know what will happen or if she will be tempeted again to cheat. I don't want to push her away as I want to work things out. But it seems that no matter what I do she is not happy. When I ask her what will make her happy she says she doesn't know.

What am I to do?

Hi, Jason! I am in a situation where my spouse is having an affair. My heart is feeling for you. In regards to your own situation, it is very difficult for any of us to give one another advice as each person is their own. I, too, just watched my husband leave knowing he will be with the other woman this afternoon. I have no control over this as it is his decision and must take ownership for what he is doing. You are dealing with a potential for marriage hazzard. The re-building of trust is where you are at. The unanswered questions are always present and you find yourself second-guessing the other person's moves. Please know that there are others who feel very much the same and are going through it also. I really don't know why I am writing to you except that my current hurt is so deep and I feel so lost that I do not want anyone else to feel as bad as I.

I thank you for your reply. I feel bad that other people are going through what I am going through now. I don't think I could be with my W know she was still seeing someone else. I am glad she ended it after about 2 weeks, but I can't get it out of my mind. I think the fact that I knew the guy hurts me even more.

I am glad to hear that it ended after 2 weeks. My husband has been involved with his person since Sept. The worst part of it is that I saw it happening and they denied it and accused me of blaming them for something that wasn't going on. She and he are attorneys, and I am the office manager. I got her set up in her own office within our firm, ordered her furniture, computer, business needs, and even referred her to clients stating that she was the female equivalent to my husband. They would both come to my desk and lie to me about their departures, and sometimes even using my daughters to babysit her kids while they were meeting. How's that for a kick in the pants? My husband and I have children from previous marriages. He has allowed his children to become involved with her, even teaching them to lie to me about when they are with her. He does not see that this is a hugely poor example to be given to them. Dad's lessons on how to LIE, CHEAT, DISRESPECT and get away with it all! Very sad! The hard part is I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM, AND LOVE HIM!

Hello Jason,

This is a huge red flag that she is picking up another guy to go to the gym. In addition, he was friends with the guy she had an affair with. I think this is total disrespect for you. I am sure if the roles were reversed she would not tolerate this. I hope you both have been checked for std's. Something sounds strange to me about your story. I would certainly have a paternity test done. It is typical for a wayward spouse to have the dates mistaken for their benefit. Again her hanging with this guy is a real slap in the face to you. She should be remorseful and try to regain your trust instead of picking up and hanging out with the friend of her sexual affair partner. This is a huge red flag. I wish you luck.

Tell me about it. She insists he is her only friend in the area and it makes her feel worse to loose him as a friend. To me I could care less if she looses that friend, but she insists they are just friends. I am almost to the point where I am going to call him and let him know what she did and see if he still wants to be friends with her. Maybe I need to do this for her to realize the reality of the situation and what she did and how it makes me feel.

As for being tested for std's I have told my W I want us to be tested and she agrees. As for a paternity test, I do not have to worry about that as the this whole issue with her having the A started after she got pregnant. Since it wasn't really planned, and she was mad at me. That is what makes this so much harder for me knowing that she was about 3 months pregnant when she had the A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From Jason 26:
As for a paternity test, I do not have to worry about that as the this whole issue with her having the A started after she got pregnant. Since it wasn't really planned, and she was mad at me. That is what makes this so much harder for me knowing that she was about 3 months pregnant when she had the A.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And this Time Frame is a Fact, Why exactly? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Because your WW says so? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Not to alarm you, BUT please be very careful in this area.

It could be very "convenient" of your wife to simply push the actual copulation dates BACK 3 months as to NOT destroy her family.
(If she knew this child was/could be the OM's....I'm sure she's afraid that this would be YOUR last straw....and you'd divorce her).

As an example:
My wife lead me to believe her affair was ONLY 3 1/2 months long and started years later than it truly did.

Later (to my shock and dismay) I learned it had started 1 1/2 years earlier then she had said and went on for a Total of 2 years.
As a result of the Mis- information, I came to some very Wrong conclusions about a great number of things.

Not saying your W lied about this (I don't know...but sadly neither Do YOU).
Unfortunately, as she HAS lied about any OTHER number of things....it something that you really need to consider and NOT turn a blind eye to.

(And yes, I totally understand the NEED inside of yourself to Not want to believe this could Ever be true).
Of course you don't want it to be true.
However, just as none of us Wanted there to be an A in the first place....with the Timing of all this, It Sure Could Be.

Indeed, that's one of the great tragedies in all of this....our WS's using our Love and Trust in them against us.
Sadly, they use the fact that we do love them and Do "want" to believe Anything they say, as a further means to control the situation and manipulate us.
Its too bad they use it as a weapon....instead of accepting it as the Gift it truly is.

In any case, just think about it.

I'd hate for your life (or your children's) to be futher damaged down the line if this were to ever come out in the future.
As some one else posted....Trust, but Verify!

(Oh yea, the "friend" needs to GO!)
At this point in your relationship its All About Boundaries!
Figure out what yours are....and then stick to them.
You'll regret it, If you Don't.

Wishing you success in your journey!

Jason,

Sorry you are here. Wouldn't it nicer if we had come to know each other in a pub over some beers? But enough day dreaming. Your wife had an A, did your marriage got better after it? Do you think you are meeting her EN now? If your answers are no then she is in the same situation as b4 the first(?) A and is likely to have another one. It is not you knowing she had an A that will keep her from having another one, only a happy marriage will do the trick. My suggestion: get a voice activated recorder installed in her car (WARNING! THIS MIGHT BE ILEGAL AND CANNOT BE USED IN A COURT OF LAW, IF YOU WANT LEGAL PROOF GET SOME PICTURES OF HER WITH OM). There are some threads here that tell you how and where to install it to get the best results. They sell them in RadioShack for 50 bucks. Snoop around and 4 the time being don't let her know how you obtain your information. Best of luck to you.

NSSM.

thank you both for your reply. I am not thinking about both things you have said.
1) get the paternity test
2) get voice activated recorder installed in her car.
Like you said "trust but verify".

Things have been getting much better between us now. We have been more open and honest with each other about our feelings (which we didn't really do much of before). We also find our selves meeting each others EN's and actually talking more and not arguing so much. I have book my and my W appointment to get tested for stds. My W reacted kind of strange, almost mad, when I told her I booked the appointment for both of us to be tested. I wasn't sure what to make of that, but I told her we need to get it done so I know for sure.

NSSM

Could you please elaborate on the threads that you were referring to for the voice activated recorders? I am trying so hard to guess what direction my husband is eventually going to take it is eating me alive. I also am interested in the real time GPS systems. Any recommended info. on those?