I've found out two weeks ago that my wife is having an affair after spying on her for awhile. I caught her emails to the guy. The words were very intimate. She admitted some but deny about having sex. I can't believe her because she have been going out late so many times during past few months which she never did before during 6 years of our marriage, sometimes she will insist to go even we have to fight over it. She said she need to be with her friends and enjoy her self again. She told me she only had dinner with the guy twice, But what I've found on the email was words like "missing your touch". So I know its not only dinner! Right now I'm burning in hell. I so mad and very furstrated. I really want to leave her but we got 2 small kids age 3 & 4 so I can't really do it but I also can't stand talking to her or see her face because she just keep lying to me about the whole affair one after another. She doesn't want me to question her any further because she have told all the truth. She insisted that she wants to stay with me and break up with the guy immediately. I guessed she realize she have more to loose if she keeps the affair going.

The Guy is from other area and was just in our area for not very long, and he is no longer meeting her. There is no way she can build any serious relationship with him even if we decide to separate. Off course there may also a small chance that there were no physical between them. So what kind of behaviors is this? She said that the guy is attracted to her and she just want to have fun playing around with this guy. I asked her what I did I do that make her unhappy because before this incident everything between us was going well and were both seems happy and she told me that she has no complaints at all. Can anyone explain this behavior to me? I don't understand it at all why?

My wife has been begging me for forgiveness every time we go in to the topic. I didn't waste my time going through the details trying to get the truth or what ever because lies will only hurts me more and trigger many more questions. I talked to her about what we have to do if things don't work out; she was stunned and broke down crying so much begging me. What really hurt me the most is I can't understand why she did it if she loves me so much as she said? Wasn't there anything to stop her? What about we have together, our children, our future plans meant nothing to her? It was the emotional relations out side our marriage that hurts me most. There is no way we can restore our marriage but may be we can build a new one, I hope.


There is no Marriage counseling in the area I'm living so it’s too bad that I don't have that option.

Nago


I'm going throught the same thing. My wife had a emotional affair(EA) with what is know my x best friend. It hurts you, that I understand. As you search through this web site you will see we are not alone with this problem. If your lucky she will break off all contact with him at your request. AND YOU SHOULD DEMAND IT. Be prepared that her emotional atachment is to strong and she will need help. First love her and let her know your there for her. If she gets the urge to call/email/text him ask her to call you for some loving and kind word insteed. When she calls tell her you are so glad to hear her voice and you miss her. I'm sure you get the idea.

Read as much about affairs on this web page as posible. This is a good place to vent when you need to so that you don't take it out on your W. I know you feeel like everything in your life has been destroyed but it just isn't the case. She said she loves you and is sorry. Her guilt will be enormous and she will need you to get through it. I know it isn't fair that you were betrayed and you have to be the one to pick up the pieces but thats how it works.

Remember you are the man here and the bible say's the woman is the weaker vessel. Stay strong. Eat well and get some exercise because this will text everything about you. Sorry you had to go through this. I'll check back in every once and a while. Ok so I live here on this web site. Prayers for you, your w, and kids.

RHM

Hi Nago,

I feel your pain man. I am much in the same situation with a newborn baby .. now 7 months old and a son of 5 years old. I think that you have a chance to recover .. so work on it.

My only hope for you both is that she has learnt her lesson and will not repeat it gain. Why they do it .. she is lacking or has an emotional need that is not being met .. or she simply wanted excitement elsewhere. If this has happened once; then no doubt it can happen again .. so keep a watchful eye open

Mig

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My only hope for you both is that she has learnt her lesson and will not repeat it gain. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Miguel & Nago: The chances are VERY high that they will do it again unless you go through a thorough recovery process. To get started, click on the link in my signature line.

John,
I am not in recovery .. I only wish I was. I am stil playing plan B sort off!! My WW is steaming full head for a divorce, denying me access to my children and living with an evil s.it that abandoned his wife and child after renewing his wedding vows and his wife's miscarage.

I have been told to stand fast .. and wait .. however I have been waiting for 7 months now .. what are my chances?

mig

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> what are my chances? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not trying to be flip when I say this - I am completely serious:

I don't know, but God does. How is your prayer life?

No faith at present ..but make a silent parayer in the hope that things will change

My mind is still messed up from time to time, although not as bad as before I’m still trying to get my self together. The pain has sunk deeper in to me, it’s not much of pain but somewhat the feeling of hollowness.

Because of the kids I’ve decided to stay on and work on the marriage; somehow I felt that all the love for my wife was drained out of me. I found it difficult to talk to her or even look at her because it reminds me of her betrayal. Making love to her was the worse experience for me because the feelings that follow afterward made me sad for days. We go out together sometimes but every where we go reminds me about the past of how happy we were and the person who I was. It was silence between us most of the time unless we need to talk about kids and our responsibility around the house.

May be we have to just make logical choices, my wife did because if I leave her she will loose everything, she can't bare the consequences of her actions. That's how I think; I don't know her true feelings.

I read many articles about how to restore marriage after infidelity and it all suggest that the bulk of work must come from me. I must love her and meet her emotional needs. Are emotional needs the root of infidelity? Is that all? How about my emotional needs? How can I survive it?

I hope one day I can get over it, escape these feelings and have my love back. Can anyone who succeeded tell me how? I knew that many on this board would do anything to have what I got now. I have to be thankful for what god given me. It wasn’t the worse there is. I just have to deal with my self.

My best wishes to everyone on this board.

Nago~

You say that marriage counseling isn't available where you are. You can do phone counseling with the Harleys, just click on the link at the top that says counsel. You can also check out www.symcinc.com they offer phone counseling and Penny is awesome!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I read many articles about how to restore marriage after infidelity and it all suggest that the bulk of work must come from me. I must love her and meet her emotional needs. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you think that is what the articles on this site say, then you are mis-understanding them. It sounds like you are confusing Plan A with Recovery. In Plan A, where you are trying to get your spouse to re-commit to the marriage, you do all the work. In Recovery, you share the work (and the benefits!) equally.

A good marriage counselor can be a big help, but if that is impossible, there are some books that are also very good. If you work through them with your wife, you can get a long way down the road on your own. My wife and I read through both "Surviving an Affair" by Harley and "Torn Asunder" by Carder out loud. We took turns reading. We did all the excercises and questionsaires in the books, and went through the questions at the ends of the chapters. Our marriage was better than it had ever been within two weeks of starting that process. (I was still a mess, but our relationship was much better)

Pray. God gave me guidance on how and what to do. He invented marriage, after all.

How to deal with resentment?

After I found out a month ago that my wife is having an affair, we’ve been fighting since, I know that she will not tell me the truth or details about the whole affair and she just want to get over it and resume our normal life, anyway after a lot of reading on MB I know it’s just typical behavior of WWS so I just gave up and deal with my self. My wife insisted that she doesn’t want a divorce and will stay with me as long I want her to. I promised to not leave her even if I do I will let her have the kids. My problem is the resentment in me is so strong, I can’t even look at her anymore because I can’t see love, hope and joy that I see in her. I can’t talk or make love to her anymore. I can’t deal with the feeling that she not only hurt me but she destroyed our family and betrayed the children as well. For now I prefer to be alone by my self thinking. The only thing we share right now is the kids. How can I save the M if I still feel this way? Is it normal? I tried to be as nice as possible to her as much as my feelings allow and also follow advice of not doing any LB but I still just forcing my self to, I don’t know how long I can do it. This feeling is killing me.

Nago,

First off sorry you find yourself here...with the rest of us..

But Nago Plan A is NOT about not talking....in fact it is designed for the S who has a WS in the THICK FOG who still has contact with OP.....

You need to take advantage of the fact that your W wants to STAY IN THIS MARRIAGE.....Part of DEAL you need to make is that she TELLS ALL!!!! NO LIES!!! and also that she remains in NC forever!! If OP ever tries to write, call etc....you need to be told IMMEDIATLY.

You have a lot more leverage than most BS's so USE IT!!! Right now while she's fearful of you just leaving.

HONESTY is the ONLY way you can get to Recovery and if she is NOT WILLING to explain saying things like you saw in writting......then your right and it is NOT acceptable!

YOU HAVE the RIGHT to know!!

Do it NOW while you she is fearful you may just decide to leave the M.

Resentment will only fade with time. But only if you KNOW THE TRUTH!!!

You can not work on a M (any M) without the truth.

Start there is my best suggestion to you.

Blessings,
Atruheart

P.S....16 months since DD and my M is the best it has ever been!!! THERE IS HOPE!!!