Well, last night was the worst night of my life. I had suspected my H of having his affair for several months. He always denied it, even though there were many phone calls (which I caught him at and which were on his cell phone). He said he was not doing anything to jeopardize our marriage. The more I accused the worse it got, with him not wanting to even come home and staying later and later at work (where the OW is also). We decided to try a week apart, so that he could think about our marriage and how we could fix things. I went to stay with some family and the first night I was gone, he was out very late and then told me he had dinner with the OW because she was the only one he could talk to.He says she is his only friend and they get along well together. He doesn't understand the concept of having and EA. I moved back home as I saw that he had no intention of working on anything and I told him that I'm not leaving my home for no reason, he could leave if he so chose. He didn't. He kept agreeing to work on our marriage, and to break it off with her (3 times) but lied and never did...and it went on. Last night I was driving past a restaurant and saw his truck, so I stopped in and he was sitting at the table with the OW, and they were holding hands. I confronted them, calmly, and asked all the questions, of course was told that they were only friends and that he was comforting her because she had surgery scheduled the next day. She told me that she had her own life and was engaged to another man, but I know what I saw. I told my H in front of her he had to make a choice. I asked if he loved her and he said yes, and I asked him if he chose her over our marriage and he said yes. She looked stunned and confused, so I'm not sure of her reaction. He and I came home, and we talked and he said he was confused and didn't know what he wanted. He is convinced that he embarrassed her and himself and that she will put distance between them and that he may have been infatuated with her. I just don't know what the truth really is, and since they work together, I am sick that she will decide that she loves him too. He has agreed to try counseling, but still says he isn't sure. I am sick, and hurt, and don't know where to go from here. Thanks all for any advice!

steinla13

Ok don't panic. I saw great hope in the fact she was stunned. This might be a good time to meet her for lunch and calmly talk to her. If she was stunned and don't feel the same way about him she will be glad to back away from him. Asker her if she will have no more contact with him. I'm sorry your H feel for another woman. No excuses are acceptible here. He maybe going through a mid-life crisis or what should be called mid-life stupidity. If she is engaged this could ruin that. Hopefully she don't feel the same way about him as he does her. This is not your fault but your H's weakness. You can over come this and have a better marriage then before.

Praying for your family.

RHM

Oh I forgot. On this site it talks about plan A and B. You need to read up on plan A. Generaly it say's to start meeting your H's needs and be loving to him. It also states he must agree to no contact(NC) with the other woman(OW). That may take a while to achieve. Best wishes. I'll check back again later. We are here to help each other at MB.

RHM

There are some god Plan A links in the link in my signature line, that I am sure you will find helpful. You probably need to expose their affair to her fiance. But start with the Plan A links, and see what you think.

Thanks so much for the encouragement, prayers (most important) and links to Plan A....I have considered meeting her (the OW) for lunch, just to see if I could actually find out what her intentions are. I DO believe that she doesn't want to end her relationship with her fiancee', but I still think she gets something from my H, (possibly she's flattered as he is panting after her) and it feeds her ego. I couldn't even begin to second guess their relationship, but the mid-life crisis definately fits his pattern, and is what I considered as being a possibility. She called this morning, (because she works there and needed something) and he practically "ran" out the door, so much for putting distance between them. I can't discuss anything with him because he turns it around on me and gets angry. And everytime I question anything or even want to talk about it, he says that me interrogating him is what ruined our marriage, but in the first 13 years, calling him throughout the day asking him what he was doing, was not an interrogation, it was simply a wife wanting to hear her husbands reassuring voice during a busy day. I've heard from others that she is a "flirty" woman, and even if she has not intentions of breaking off her engagement for my husband, she will string him along, so I will definately consider telling her financee' the whole story. I will keep posting as we progress, or don't. I have meeting with a Therapist on Monday, and he agreed to go also, at a later date, but he's backing out of that as well. He's not a "talk about your feelings" kinda guy, even IF your marriage depends upon it. Thanks again...this site will be a life saver for me.

Hello steinla,

Welcome to MB,

First of all,don't believe a word your WH says right now.Not only will he lie right to your face,but he will be a mass of contradications and emotions.You won't know what to believe anyway.He is UNTRUSTWORTHY.

Do take the time to read up on all the concepts here,especially Plan A and what it means(check out Johns links).Check out our MB bookstore and get reading.SAA(Surviving an Affair) and HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs) are great starters as well as "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass(excellent).

In my opinion,the time is ripe to inform the OW's finace about her little "indiscretions".She may have looked "stunned" with the news your WH laid out at the restaurant but that doesn't really mean she was stunned.Nor will it mean that the A will be over.On the contrary,it seems ot fuel the desire to be together more,in secret.I would not give her a heads up either.Just do it and let the cards fall where they may.The OW didn't mind waltzing in on your WH and marriage/family,don't worry about her at all.

I would find out who the fiance is and blow this wide open.The fiance has a right to know about his bride-to-be and this will definitely put a damper on the A and it going any further.Afterall,you have had suspicions for a few months now and at the very least,it could be an inappropriate "friendship" or it could be a full blown A.In any event,it has to shut down and exposure will help.Take a look at WAT's Affair exposure 102 thread on the General Q board.

I am glad you will be seeing a counselor,that is important,if not with your WH, alone is good too.

Stick with us.We are here for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O

Well, you were right. Friday night, he didn't come home on time, and when I called him he said he was out with the OW. He wanted to make sure that the events of earlier in the week, did not harm their friendship, of course this was after he assured me that there would be no more personal contact with her, that everything would be strictly business (they work together). I am working to get all of the information regarding her fiancee' and I am going to blow this apart. It may break up my H and I as he will see this as being vindictive on my part, but I feel if she intends to continue to ruin my life, then why should her's contine to be rosey. It may force them together, but at this point, they're together anyway. I'm the one out in the cold. He has more concern for her feelings (as he made evident), than for me and our marriage. He is a liar and a cheater and I never thought in a million years he would do this to me.

Hi again,

Steinla,your marriage as you knew it is over.Whatever action you take now to help end the A will not reflect on you even though your WH and the OW will be mad.Many people who are new here think that it's being vindictive to expose and that it will mean the end of the marriage,etc.But,like I said ,the old marriage was over anyway.Your WH made a CHOICE to have this inappropriate so called "friendship" with another woman while MARRIED.

When that happens,a major line has been crossed,which is VERY hard to come back from, and we do not even know for sure that they haven't had sex too.The two almost always go and in hand.Your WH's statement of wanting to see that he did not harm the friendship is CLASSIC.It's just his was of saying "I need to go see the OW again because I am addicted". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Another major drawback here is that the OW works with your WH.So,he will use the tactic of "it's just work related" measures to keep in contact with the OW but in reality,the two of them need to never see each other again if you don't want to end up divorced and that will mean either he goes or she does.I am sure neither of them will want to do this.Exposure will nto force them together,they are ALREADY together.

Many of us never thought in a "million years" that this would happen to us either but it did.There is a process to dealing with this ok? I hope you will stick with us and follow through.You may not have Marital recovery but you can certainly have Personal recovery,like me.

O

Believe me, I know exactly what is going on. I left our home today because I could no longer take the abuse. He lies right to my face, and expects me to believe him. He called me, and asked me to come back and talk, so I did, but I told him that I can't continue to live like this and I didn't think it was fair that I should have to leave our home, so I told him he needed to find a place to go. We did get alot of laundry aired as to why he's doing this.....and of course again, in the middle of our conversation, he gets paged by the OW. He was outside, so I called back, and saw it as her, so I called her. I told her what I knew and that I had left and he begged me to come home (could tell by her voice she didn't like to hear that)..she told me I should leave. (don't know who she thinks she is). So I asked her to back off, as we were trying to repair our marriage (even though I know we have far to go), I just wanted to get it in there. Once I hung up, she immediately paged my H, and of course, he called her back. She paged him at least 4 times during our conversation and each time he called her back....he would not let me hear the conversations, because he said I would misconstrue his one side of the conversation. He said I should trust him, (yeah, right)!! I'm sure she was looking for reassurance from him because of what I said, which is making things a tad sticky for him. Nevertheless, bottom line is, he's still lying to me and probably her. And he is moving out so he can do it without my harping at him. I will say that this afternoon was the first time in months we have been able to even talk openly without him shutting down completely and getting angry. There may be hope for us...but it will be a long time coming, if I choose to wait it out. I told him if he can't break all communication off (which he won't do because he IS addicted), then there is no chance for us. It's all up to him.

Thanks so much for all of the feedback, as you all know, it helps so much to know there are others out there and you're not alone.

S13

I don't know everything so my input may not be right. Are you seeing a MC? I think if it was me I would go to plan B. NC with H untill he is at NC with OW. The only exception might be at a MC office. Like I said I don't know everthing here but I do feel for you. I was real close to that myself. If my W didn't agree to NC I was gone. Of course I'm not there so it's hard to tell if that is happening.

RHM

<small>[ March 07, 2005, 12:52 AM: Message edited by: RHM ]</small>

steinla,

Please go back and reread my fist post to you.If you want a chance to recover the marriage and create a new and fulfilling one,you have to have a plan.Ultimatums do not work and we don't recommend it here.You should be in Plan A for now and keep negotiating for the end of the A and NC until or if your WH moves in with the OW.That has yet to happen.

The OW is trash so it would be best to stear clear of her.She realizes that this A is now fully out in the open and she will scramble to get your WH on her side and defend her.Which,of course, is pathetic but you have to work your WH from behind the scenes where the OW has no idea what is truly going on so don't talk to her.Let her stew and take all the lies from your WH right now.

Next,you DO plan on exposing this to the fiance right away don't you? Do not put this off any longer.Make that your mission.Especially now that the OW is scared of losing YOUR WH and that she has you to contend with now.Don't give her a heads up.Just do it.

You are very new to this so please don't feel like you have to rush and get this solved.Infidelity doesn't work that way.This is war and you have to have a battle plan.It's a process and ending that we have to get your WH to by what YOU do,by trying.Rarely does the A end right on the spot.It takes a lot of time.We have to first keep on killing the fantasy of the A and exposure is one big way.

Lastly,do not leave the home.Stay put.If you own the home jointly you have no legal reason to leave.On the other hand,if your WH is so enamored of this homewrecking OW then let HIM leave and go see what life with her is like.That should put a big damper on the fantasy bubble too.

Hang in there.

O

Yes...I went to IC this morning, and it helped me quite a bit. My H had agreed to go at least once to see what it was all about, but I'm not sure he's there yet, so I'll go to my next session, then I'll try to set up something for him (if he'll actually do it). Secondly, I do plan on exposing this to the OW's fiancee', but I have to find out the information first. They don't live together, and I only know his first name. I'm working to find out more information, and as soon as I do, that is my plan. My MC suggested that I show him nothing but positive things until our next session, just to see how he reacts. She says that usually, at the very least, if you're kinder to him, he'll be kinder to you, but I just don't know. He's a Jekyll/Hyde right now. He used to be such a caring and compassionate person, and probably still is to everyone but me. I'll keep on and see how this goes and I will definatley continue to post. Thanks to everyone for such wonderful support.

Hi again,

Sounds like you are geared up for the tough road ahead.MC/IC is good.Read up on Plan A,that is basically similar to what your counselor said.Trying to meet EN's of your WS while negotiating the end of the A.Your WH might not be receptive to your actions but do them anyway for now.It will send a message that you are willing to hang in there and give this a chance and also that you are willing to consider changes that make your WH feel good(EN's).

Don't expect remorse or return of affection.It doesn't usually happen when a WS is confused and doesn't know who to turn to.Afterall,he now has two women in his life.Remember,yes,he will appear like a Jekyll/Hyde man,he will be a mass of confusion and contradiction and it's very likely he will still lie/cover/be secretive.That's to be expected.The H you used to know is gone right now,replaced with the alien,as we like to say.

There's a lot of information to sift through so take your time and do consider coming over to the GQII board now.That's where most of us are and there's more traffic.You will learn a lot.Get those recommended books too.

Lastly,don't watch and rely on REactions,watch and rely on ACTIONS.There's a difference.He may be mad,sad,crying,defensive and more all in one day(especially if confronted or a discussion takes place) but if he is sitting at the OW's house,it doesn't matter.The action is that he chose to be with the OW and that what he SAYS is babble right now.

O

Octobergirl,
Thank you, thank you, thank you! You help me so much...I can't tell you. I tried it out this evening...and was very supportive, no matter how he treated me, which started out badly, but he began to treat me better as the evening progressed....even though he did sneak to call her while I was soaking in the hot tub..I could hear him and see the panic on his face when I got out, which gave me a little pleasure because I made him hang up. I'm sure he called to plan his day tomorrow..and that's fine, I'm going to continue plan A.

Thanks so much again for all your wisdom!

Good girl! Sounds like you did alright~

See you over on the GQII board,when you are ready.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />