Hay All

Can somebody explain this to me or your hypothesis on the following:-

1. Whe I tried to make an ally of the OM'S wife; she did want to and was very Balzay about the whole affair. I would have tought that she may want to scratch my wife's eyes out .. Nope !!

2. On visitiing or harrasing her to speak to her husband such that I can see my children.. my wife responds with a nasty e-mail telling me to move on .!!!

3. This OM's parents suggested to his wife who fed back to me that ... give him 6 months and he will be back !!

4. 2 month after D Day (Destruction Day); I approach his wife again and find that she has another man in her life!! That was quick !!

5. My wife got me to drop off my sons guinea pigs to this mans house 2 months before DD (Destruction Day) for his son. When I arrived; his wife looked as if they had been arguing or as if she knew something. Her body language was funny as if to say .. '' what is this man doing here'' ...!! I thought that that they were going through bad patch as she had lost a baby !!

6. I discovered that my wife has discussed our finances/earnings etc with this man!!

7. It appears that everytime I approach his wife .. it shakes his cage ..so to speak? Why

What I concluded was ... and I may be wrong on this .. but can you give me your thoughts?
-------------------------------------------------

(a)This man is a serial offender and he has done this all before. His wife cannot be hurt anymore by his acts and does not give a damn

(b)She knew about the affair 2 months before me and did not say anything.. fear maybe!! Refer to point (5).

(c)They have an open relationship and do this quite often!! Why did they renew wedding vows? refer to point (4)

(d) OM is making my wife e-mail me to tell me to keep away from his wife? Why? He is in it for the money or he still loves his wife.. he wants best of both worlds.

Thanks
Mig

Hi miguel,

I'll try to fill in some of the Q's you have for now.Have you taken Bob's advice by the way?

1) You never know how the OP's spouse will react.Some want to stay in denial.Some want to be your ally and help.Other's can up and D the cheating spouse without so much as a glance,etc,etc.What they do isn't really your concern.It's great if you do become allies and can help each other out with information but exactly what the OM's W knows or doesn't remains to be seen.I wouldn't focus on that right now if the W isn't that responsive.

2) You are visiting and harassing ? You should NOT be doing that nor going to OM's home to see YOUR kids.If anything ,you need some kind of court ordered sponsor or advocate at least to ensure your time with the children.This all seems very inappropriate and unusual Miguel.

3) Who will be back in 6 months? You? Or OM? Who cares what the OM's parents say! I am sure they are not helping matters.My WH's homewreckers parents were also the product of Adultery.They were no help at all in fact,supported my WH and the homewrecker in what they were doing.

4) Again,who the heck cares what the OM's W is doing.She is inconsequential right now.That is not your focus.

5) It's obvious things at the OM's home are not calm and peaceful.Whatever.

6) Yes,WS's do discuss,to our chagrin and disgust,personal matters with the OP.That is what got them to the A in the first place,inappropriately discussing matters they SHOULD have been talking to us about. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

7) Why do you keep approaching the W? I am sure he doesn't appreciate you being anywhere around.Afterall,you are the BH.That goes without saying.I highly doubt he would be happy to see you or know you were near talking to his BW.

a) I doubt the BW isn't hurt by all this but who really knows what she is feeling.Many times,what people THINK other's are feeling or going through is not the case at all.How many times we have heard that the betrayed spouse was a monster,an abuser only to find out that the WS told these lies to make themselves look good or justified in what they are doing.

b) Irrelevant at this point.

c) Again,who knows what is really going on behind closed doors.Don't concern yourself so much with them.

d) Again,why are you near the OM's W so much? What is the story?

Do you currently have a Lawyer?? What reading have you done?


O

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 02:06 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Thanks Octobergirl,

I spoke with bob and his advice was taken. He has said that I should stay calm and to a certain extent; this is what I am doing.
Bob did go through the same emotions and rage as me but was not made to suffer to the same extent and length of time as me.

I have done some reading about plan A, Plan B and various other parts..anatomy of an affair, relationships and win back you x. This is all good stuff , but it does nothing for me in dealing with the loss and pain

A lawyer .. yes I have had three money grabbing lawyers who have failed to deliver anything as yet.. as I said .. my wife was trying for CAFCASS report (Son of 5 put under psychological probing) before i get to see him .. 3 months wait .. so 3 months for me also. I asked for interim contact order .. ongoing and I mediated with my wife .. and was given a lousy 2 hours/every 2 weeks at a contact centre
(supervised)which she is also dragging her heals on !! To date .. no contact.

Maybe you have heard about fathers for justice in the UK .. it is bad over here .. woman walks into a lawyers and he smiles ..a guy does it and they say poor dope.. we will take the 1st part of his money his wife the 2nd part.

Thanks

Miguel,

I'll be honest here and say,based on what you have been telling us,it sounds pretty bad.I can understand your pain,believe me.If you lived here in the States,I might be able to advise you one way or another but with you living in the UK,I am at a loss.

All I can say is,sometimes it is best to unplug/disconnect from the dysfunction.Do you understand what this means? Let me give you my personal example:

I have been with my WH for 20 YEARS,married 14.We were best friends,the whole nine yards.Everyone who knew us thought we were the "perfect" couple.We were so loving and had a great family.I wanted to grow old with my H.

Well,after finding out about his adultery,I was absolutely devastated,as we all are.Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever suspected he would choose to CHEAT.No one thought he would do this to me.He had it all and he threw it all away on who knows what.I don't think even he knows.He claims it is for "love" but he is very uneducated and immature(admittedly) in many ways.He doesn't understand right now.

Anyway,after a long time of my WH doing nothing to save our marriage and family,me doing all the work,I decided not to be a part of the triangle anymore.I let my WH go.It was incredibly hard to do that.I recognized though that what I wanted and what was supposed to be was no longer.I pulled myself out of the fray and into sanity and self preservation.It took all my strength to do this and file for a D but it had to be done.The only alternative was to keep living in pain with a man who continued to make choices based on his needs alone and to put the homewrecker first.I knew I could no longer live like that.

Dealing with the loss and pain,as you said,takes time,patience and more time.It takes understanding and a self worth to know that you will survive despite what you have been through.That no one on this Earth as the right to treat you this way.It's acceptance of the situation for what it is.It is letting go.

Plan B can help with this and also,you are not in a position to do much of anything with regards to your son if the lawyers aren't helping so you should concentrate on YOU.How to better yourself,control your anger,reflect,learn,grow,etc.It sounds cliche but you have to so you don't implode every other day.

That is what I would concentrate on if I were you Miguel.There are things we can control and those that we cannot.Focus on what you can right now.Your WW might never return to the marriage.And it's hard to fight for it when she is away,living with OM and your Justice system prevents you from just being with your kids.

Plan B is almost always recommended when the spouse is living with the OP.So that is what I would read up on and come to GQII to get ideas on a first draft of a PBL(plan B letter).I loved plan B.I did so well in it.Many people do.You take yourself out of the chaos and sometimes,chaos just breeds more chaos when you feed it.If you aren't helping it,watch and see how much better you start to feel.Make the most of the time you have with your kids.Show them a Dad who is taking care of himself,acts appropriately,has fun with his kids,is well.Strive for that.

Can you do that?

You have to find a way to endure the next several months and it would be wise to make this time a healthy time for you.Life isn't fair at all sometimes and certainly you have been given some very difficult challenges.But,your outlook can change if you put your energy into the kind of man you want your children to know and the kind of man you want other's to see instead of the madness your WW exudes.

O

Hi Octobergirl,

I picked up some soiled dipers from thge WW house .. going through their household waste to
try and get more clues on the situation with respect to may daughter.This was on Saturday..I drove 300 miles (500Km) to do this as I am now staying with my parents after loosing my job; because of the stress. I cannot hack an executive role as a director in this state of mind. I don't know what I can hack anymore!

I spent much of yesterday Saturday crying on the road while driving.It was so bad that I ran out of gas on the highway and was stuck in the car at 0c.

Today is Sunday and I have been putting together the package to do a paternity test on my daughter without prior conset of the mother .. which is also a legal obligation here..This is costing me $600.00 .. the costs are out of control..

I finally feel like I want to take my life again.. What hope is they for me. I have an EVIL wife that is killing me slowly. I was discussing things with my mother last night and we spoke about my nature .. a gentle, warm ,loving person that is a giver and not a taker in life.. I hate myself for being like this!! I need to be strong. I am torn between abandoning my children and escaping to south-america or somne far distant place where I can escape the apin or hanging in there with all the apain, misery and slef destruction that is around me.. why should I go on?

Miguel, hon, you need to take some anti-D's. It is horribly painful going through this. But I promise you that life does get better. Please try to take better care of yourself. We need good and caring men in this world.

{{Miguel}},

I know you are hurting.We have all been there.But,don't let your WW and the OM win,OK? That is exactly what they want,for you to just lay down and die.If you do then they can just carry on with YOUR kids as they please and you will not be so much as a thought anymore.

You are so much more worthy and you will feel this again one day.But it will take time.Many of us feel desperate and alone,sad and helpless.But you would not believe the courage and strength that comes when you realize how wronged you were and just who are the selfish destroyers here.

DON'T hate yourself for having feelings! You don't have to be the steroetypical male strong man who doesn't cry or feel pain! For heavens' sake that is so old! A real man feels pain when he's hurt and this is one of life's worst traumas.If you didn't feel something and were so stoic then I would be worried.

Hang in there Miguel and do come over and STAY on the GQII board.You have several threads going and you need to stick to one for all our sakes,it's easier and more effective.

We can help you and you need to get your life back in order,OK?

O