Hi this is my first time on this particular forum. I have been married for less than two years and recently found out that, in my opinion, my whole marriage has basically been a lie.

A while back I confronted my husband about his viewing of pornography on the computer. It was a struggle, but he evenuntually repented and "tried" to stop. He even took all his videos and smashed them to pieces then threw them away. But, to my surprise, that was only the tip of the iceberg.

About 4 weeks ago, I found found emails between my husband and a person I thought was my best friend. They were very vulgur in nature, and talked about things they wanted to do with each other. It was written in a way to make me think these things had happened before. When I confronted them on this, they denied it at first, but then came clean. But both of them swore that nothing physical ever happened. It was all just "dirty talk". I had a gut feeling this wasn't the whole truth, but I had no proof, so I had to leave it alone.

Then, this past Sunday night I walked into our computer room to find him looking at an email (spam) pornographic pictures in it. We he saw me he said, “Look at this”, like it was a surprise that just popped up on my screen. I knew he opened the email purposely, with intent to look at the pictures. Though he denied it at first, he finally admitted that he did open it on purpose. I talked to him about telling me the truth. I told him that I knew he would struggle with his addiction to porn and that he would have weak moments. I said the important thing was to tell me when he did, as embarrassed as he might be, because I want to help him through this. I told him the way I feel about his lying. I told him that from my perspective, if he feels like he has to lie about “small” things, how could I be convinced that he’s not lying about the bigger things, (ex.: he said nothing physical ever happened with him and my best friend). He started to understand what I meant and we talked more throughout the night.

Later that evening we were talking more about the value of honesty, and I said that if he tells me when he has moments of weakness that I can pray for him in the specific weakness. I reminded him how the bible tells us to confess our sins to one another. I also reminded him that He was saying that he doesn’t like to tell me because he doesn’t want to hurt me. I told him that yes, the truth can hurt, but it is needed. It’s like when a person has cancer. You may not feel the cancer at first, it may not cause any pain at all. But if you don’t get it out, it can have devastating effects. So surgery, chemotherapy, etc. maybe painful experiences, but they are necessary for survival.

Then he said, “what if it was something that didn’t just happened but happened a long time ago?” I said that I wanted to know too. Then he just started bawling, telling me about an affair he had with a lady from his work that started just after we got married. He said he never had intercourse with her, but did everything else buth that. This was a woman who I have met and actually become friends with. I used to watch her child for her once a week! He also told me that physical things did happen with my best friend, on about 5 occasions. Sometimes I was just in the next room. Another time was when we were camping and I was asleep in the tent. He even told me about one night happened he did something with two separate women less than six months before our wedding. He told me he loves me so much and doesn’t want to hurt me anymore. He was so sorry and broken. I just held him that night as he cried in my arms. I didn’t even cry. I did tell him that we need counseling and he still didn’t want to go – said he didn’t think we needed it. I made him agree to at least go to the 3 sessions that are covered by my insurance, then we would talk about if we need any more, and he agreed

But now, it’s all hitting me so hard. I just can’t understand. I’m not ugly; a lot of people even tell me I’m pretty. I’m good to him too. I’m kind, loving and respectful. And although he has a higher libido than I do, we never went more than a week without being intimate. And back when he was having the affair, it was way more than that. My world doesn’t make sense anymore. My whole marriage has been a lie. One of the things I was so sure of was that he would never ever cheat on me. I thought he adored me. I feel like a part of me has died, and I want to die too. The truth is so much harder that I thought it would be. It’s hard for me to be in the same house with my husband because he’s a stranger to me. I’m going crazy now. I can't focus. I feel sick all the time. Life doesn’t make sense anymore.

It's very hard not to feel sorry for myself right now. I went through so much suffering in my previous marriage (abuse, adultry, etc.) that I have been really thinking "Haven't I suffered enough already?" I though I had learned from my mistakes, and had finally found a "good husband" - I thought he was the one who was made just for me. Now all I can think is, "Oh no, I married the wrong man - AGAIN."

I haven't yelled or cursed him or anything. The problem is that I'm raging inside. I feel like I am suffering all alone. I don't want him to feel like telling me the truth was a mistake, so I am kind to him and try to carry on like normal. But I feel so hurt, angry, sad and resentful. We will be watching TV and he he will laugh at it, make coments, etc. - basically act as if nothing happened... and I feel resentful for that. I feel like, "how can you be so "ok"? I fight to act "normal" around him, then feel resentful that I have to watch myself so I don't hurt him. I feel like... He's the one who did these rotten things and I'm the only one suffering. When he hugs me, I feel disgusted. We haven't been "together" since the night he told me. The thought if it makes me sick. And I know I am supposed to be submissive, but when he starts being affectionate, it makes my skin crawl - and at the same time I feel guilty. It's hard fo me to even be in the same house with him. Even now, I am sitting her thinking, "Is this really my life?"

Hello {{{brokenHearted1}}},

Welcome to MB although I am sorry you found yourself here under the current circumstances.

First of all,this problem is not about how you look or what you did or didn't do.Please don't blame yourself here.It's about how this behavior makes your WH feel .It's also clear that your H has had issues with porn and fidelity long before you even married.He just dragged it along into YOUR marriage now.

Making the CHOICE to be unfaithful and seek out fantasy based liasons with strangers via porn or other sites is an addiction that is sweeping this country.You are not alone.Your WH had the responsibility to discuss any problems he felt were in the marriage with you and then work on them together.I would be interested to hear why he got married.I often wonder if people really know what marriage means.It appears to me that many don't.Even more so being here on this site for 17+ months.

Ok.So what to do.

1) Well,first you should do some reading here of all the concepts and what Plan A means under the Q&A heading at the top of this page.Browse through our bookstore and get some of the recommended reading.Whether or not you can solve the problems in your marriage,that remains to be seen but you can educate yourself and learn all along too.

2) Next,do see about getting into counseling and how to maintain it.Just 3 sessions is going to barely scratch the surface of all this.You cannot force your WH to go but you can for yourself and also to let your WH know that you are serious about getting professional help and one day,he is going to face this need or risk losing you and the marriage for good.A marriage takes two and you can try to work on yourself but your WH will have to address this one day or you may walk.That is what I had to do.

3) Is your "friend" married? If so,you will need to expose this very inappropriate behavior to the spouse.More on that later if there is a spouse.

4) Your WH is untrustworthy so,do not believe a word he says right now.Watch his actions,they speak louder than words.

5) If you find that you are continually going without sleep,cannot function and can't eat well and are having severe emotional swings,consider talking to your doctor about AD's(antidepressants).They can help you get through this shock phase so you will feel more stable.I took Remeron and it helped me for the first 10 months so I could just get out of bed and take care of my kids.I had no side effects either really.

Your WH has unloaded quite a bit on you and I am sure you are wiped out.That is normal when you consider how truly devastating this is.You need as much support as you can get and take care of yourself.In order to deal with this,you have to have a plan of action.That is what we are here for.I hope you will stick with us.We can help.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

You will want to get "Every Man's Battle", as well as the other good resources recommended here. It contains practical information on how to change your habits if you are caught in pornography, as well as a having a terrific spiritual focus. Todd Mulliken, the author of "The State of Affairs", says that men who fall into the category your husband is in do not stop unless they have a spiritual transformation. My wife was a Christian, too, but she had an affair that lasted for 3 years. It was God getting through to her that was the catalyst for our healing. So pray. You may find "The Power of a Praying Wife", by Stormie Omartian, helpful.

Harley's material is GREAT for identifying what it takes to have a great marriage, from a behavioral standpoint. The problem is that many people cannot do what he suggests. I believe the reasons for this are primarily spiritual. You can't force a spiritual transformation on your husband, but you can be an example.

Sorry, I just had to add something: It is probably useful for your own understanding of yourself to ask the question why you married "badly" twice in a row. However, rather than thinking: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "Oh no, I married the wrong man - AGAIN." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it may be even MORE helpful to ask a couple of questions:

"What can God teach me in this pain?"

and:

"What kind of person do I want to be?"

Hi Broken hearted, I am "destroyed man".

I know exactly how you feel, exactly. You can read my thread. My wife also had sex with my best friend. I am destroyed, depressed, suicidal,unable to sleep, all of the things that you mentioned.

My wife too had sex with my bf while I was sleeping only feet away from them. In my case, I am more responsible though, because we had sex in the same room as the other couple ( which we should not have done ).

I don't know what to say. Life is very hard now and every day is a struggle. Nothing that you and I know seems to make any sense any more. The world does not even seem like the same place does it?

It is like we were living in a dreamworld, and then someone woke us up.

Hang in there, that is all we can do. You are a special person and god knows that.

Thank you john for your reccomendations. My H is currently reading this book in a men's group he started going to after I discovered the e-mails. I am also reading the "sister book", Every Heart Restored . It is helpful, thought I still have ok and bad days. Today is a bad day. We are going to our first counseling appointment tonight. I am nervous, but glad we are doing this.

Octobergirl,

I want to tell her husband, but she begged me not to. She told me he has been physically abusive towards her in the past and can't imagine what would happen. I have seen his temper before and believe this is true. I even saw a bruise on her arm once that she admitted was from him. She says she will tell him herself, but she needs to find another place to live first, because he will surely throw her out if he doesn't do worse first. She even said she has tried telling him already, but then thinks, "I can't do this now, I have no place to go." It's very hard for me, I feel very stuck as far as this goes/

destroyed,

I just read your earlier posts, and I'm so sorry. Luckily, that didn't happen in the same room as me, and he never "techincally" had intercourse. He tried with one of the women, but couldn't "perform". He said he felt too guilty, and that was the night he broke it off with her. I too, have felt like dying, but I know I can't take my own life. For one, it is a sin that I cannot confess to and recieve forgiveness for once it is done. The other reason is that I have a wonderful son who would be destroyed, and I can't bear the thought of putting him through that. Plus, I would also hurt all the people who love me. I guess I am lucky in that respect, that I couldn't take my own life, but on the other hand, I've started smoking again. Never around my son, mind you, and never in the house, but it is still wrong and I feel guilty for that too.

Hello BH,

Glad to see you checked in with us.

I can understand your concern about telling the OW's husband but honestly,do you think she took into account your situation or feelings for one minute?

It would not be the first time nor the last that an OP has used the "abuse" tactic to avoid telling the BS what they have been doing.It's classic.If her H was so abusive toward her,then she had a choice to get out of the marriage,not cheat and lie with ANOTHER WOMAN'S husband,her friend's.

I would not believe one word that woman said to me.She is as untrustworthy as your own WH right now.Whatever the effect telling this man has,it is her consequence.But you do not owe her any loyalty or protection.If she has no place to go then she should have thought about what her choices would mean to her when this all came out.

NO.Do not protect her BH.The decision to tell will ulitmately reside with you but if I were you,I would disclose everything now.This is not the time to be gracious,IMHO.

O

P.S. I would not believe your WH's claims that he "couldn't perform".That too is another classic ploy to not tell the truth.If I were YOU,I would tell him to be tested for STD's before I let him touch me.

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 05:07 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Bring a big male friend along and tell the OW's H in her presence.

I'm also afraid he will come after my H at our house, and I don't want my son to be subject to that.

The chances of something like that happening are VERY small, but not zero. Out of the MANY hundreds of stories I have read on this board, there has been exactly one case of violence related to affair exposure that I am aware of. The danger is not zero, but it is small.

Call Dr. Harley on his radio show some day, and ask him about it. You can talk with Dr. Harley live at 1-888-332-5169 during his live broadcast every Monday and Thursday from 1:00-2:00pm Central Standard Time.

<small>[ March 04, 2005, 10:07 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

BH, I could have written your post. Six months ago, I was in your shoes. Get ready, because you're in for a ride.

All of the advice you've received here is right on target. You'll learn much from reading here, and the support will be tremendous as you deal with an assortment of emotions that will change from one day to the next. Who am I kidding? The emotions may change from one minute to the next!

But, there's good news. While I still can't say unequovically that my M is going to make it, there's no doubt that this experience is moving me closer to understanding the core of myself. That's never bad!

Hang in there, and be *good* to yourself. I recommend you look up articles on self-care, that you begin journaling, and that you pray * a lot*.

God bless,
PM

Thank you for your support papermom.

We had our counseling session last night. It was good, but hard. I cried a lot. The positive thing is that I think my H started to really understand the seriousness of his actions and the consequences he could face. It's amazing how people can understand better when it comes from somebody else besides their husband or wife, isn't it?

<small>[ March 05, 2005, 11:52 AM: Message edited by: Broken Hearted1 ]</small>

So, I want to get back to the point where I can be “in love” with my husband again. Does anybody have any suggestions on book or materials that he can read to show him how to get your wife to fall in love with you… basically to “win me back”. I just can’t get those feelings that I had for him anymore. I love him, but the romantic love I felt for him is gone. It’s like all the memories of our life together were just a mirage. The foundation of trust I had has been demolished and therefore the romantic love that was built on that foundation is gone too. I just don’t know how to get it back. I want him to work on getting it back too, but I feel so blinded by my hurt, I don’t even know what it would take. Does that make sense?

Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you.