Okay, this may be kinda long. My husband and I have not lived together for going on 21/2 yrs. (cause he went to korea for a yr and then I wanted to finish school in Guam while he returned to Washington). During the 2nd yr, he had an affair. All I can say is, my husband is a problem solver. He is going through marriage counseling, sees his chaplain and researches Infidelity on the internet etc. He is giving his all into making our marriage work. The problem is me. He believes that the affair was an "eye-opener". Time, distance, and school really did a number on our marriage. I was a geographical single parent who was going through nursing school. I had to balance being a parent, the stress of school, clinical, and problems with his family. I couldn't handle it all and so I put my husband aside. He would call me and I would be too tired to talk. I was too stressed out and would be mean to him. It came to a point where we could talk for maybe five minutes a day during which I would just be a *****. There would be times when he would tell me he wanted a divorce and I would tell him to do whatever he wants. I couldn't deal with it cause I was in school. My husband would call me and tell me that there was a rumor that he was having an affair. I payed about 10 minutes worth of my attention to that bit of information and then went back to studying. All the clues were there but I just didn't want to pay attention to them. I know that my husband and I cannot even call ourselves friends anymore. The communication was just gone. I am so used to being on my own and not needing him. Now that the affair is exposed and he is trying to work things out, we do talk on the phone a lot longer and more often than before. But it is still sometimes kind of odd to me to be talking for long periods of time. I remember his cousin saying to me "You never talked about your husband as much as you do now or even payed attention to him until he had the affair". I believe this is true. I can't make up my mind whether I want to work things out or not. This is because I haven't needed him for so long and I already know what it's like to be without him. He has been told that the odds are against us because of the distance. He tells me that that's why I need to wait and see how things are when we are together. (which will be in April). I am tired of the pressure between the both of us and sometimes just want to put an end to all of it by divorcing. Is there anyone who has been in a similar situation? What to do?

SWN

Sorry you are in this situation. I don't know if this will help but here's my story and what we are doing.

I was sent away for the war in Iraq for 6 mos. When I got back I was a different person and my wife felt she was second in my life behind work and the kids. I didn't talk to her much about the war but used a friend(male) that was there with me. Shortly after I was home I got a assignment to Germany. After 6 mos at home I left the family behind because they didn't want to move and wanted to finish school there. So of to Germany for 2 yrs I was.

Three mos after I was gone in Jan 04 my wife started a EA with my friend because he was comming over to comfort her every day. I found out when I went home in Apr 04 when She told me her friend acussed her of a A. I saw alot of flirting and other things and asked her to back off.

In Oct 04 I went back again an dbefore I got back I new things were bad because she would not talk to me much. They put on a good show but let things slip and I found out more and started getting direct with the OM. At this point I've got the W to agree to NC with him and we are trying for recovery.

We don't feel like much can be done to build the marriage untill I get back in Nov 05. We both have started IC and I'll call back to her IC to work as a MC. That starts 9 mar.

We both realize that there will be a readjustment period in this. I felt like a visitor both times I was home. I don't know how you feel about your reuniting but for me I'll find it difficult. There are days I miss and love my wife and days like this morning that I'm not sure if I love her. All I can say is there must be some love there and I don't hate her so I'm going to give it my best before making a final desision. You seee this is the second time this has happened in my marriage and after we recovered the first time we had a stronger and happier marriage. Allot has happened to me and my wife in the last 2 yrs and we arn't ready to give up yet.

I hope this helps in some way and I'll check back later to answer any questions you might have. I wish you the best.

RHM

Hi,

I have not been in your situation, but I want to address this, first, b/c I've been where you are in terms of the nursing education and stress, and secondly b/c I, too, am a FBS.

Nursing school is very intense, and like medical or law school, requires laser-like focusing to succeed. So, it was appropriate for you to give that your all.

I am assuming that there was a typo in you post, that you have been apart 2 1/2 years, not 21 1/2.

How old is your child? While you have lived as a single parent, your child deserves an intact home.

Since you are going to be back together in only a month, and since your H sounds like he wants to try, why not give it a chance? You admit there was blame on both sides for the A. Why not be willing to give at least as much as your H?

Blessings, and good luck!
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me-FBS-50 FWH-44 M-20 yrs 3 kids
A-2/03-5/04 Dday-5/8/04 WD/Fog-5/04-9/04 NCltr 9/3/04
In recovery with God's help

RHM,
Reading your post was pretty helpful to me I can relate to what you have experienced. When I visited my husband in May 2004, I really didn't want to go. I felt that he would try to make me stay in WA and I wanted to return to Guam to finish school. At that point I was kind of a selfish person because I wanted to use this time to just relax from being a single parent and from the hardships of school. I spent my nights sleeping on the couch in the livingroom sleeping at 2 am. My husband took this very personally but I would always defend myself by stating that I just need a break and need to relax. I saw how he was trying very hard to be a good husband. He was so-o good to my daughter and I. One of our problems was that we were not on the same page. I was so-o focused on my trip back to Guam and the fact that I needed to stock up on clothing, etc because things are too expensive on Guam. He was focused on making the best of our time together. He felt that I was using him, was materialistic and just wanted to shop. His affair started before I went to visit him but stopped while I was there. When I returned to Guam in August, the affair became more serious. In Aug-December our marriage was still second priority for me. Although he was involved in the affair, he was still fighting and holding on to us. He would call me day after day and ask if I could just put time aside to talk to him on the phone. If I got angry and hung up on him, he would call me back. My Husband never let his pride get in the way.
I feel the same as you do about reuniting. Part of me actually dreads the day that he comes here to visit. I miss him sometimes too but at other times I don't like him at all. What makes it dificult is that for so many months I felt that I didn't have a need for him. There was a time that I didn't even care whether we talked or not. It is hard to find a way to need him and communicate with him again. I know that I love him...that's why it hurts me so much that he had the affair. Although I dread the day I see him, I know that the picture will be clearer about whether I want to stay in this marriage or not...