Just found out that H had an affair during his overseas posting. He came back during break with intention to get a transfer back. He was hoping that I would not find out and this would be kept from me for life.

Alas OW had to call me because H told her that he may not be going back. H confessed to the affair (lasted abt 4 months). We have only been married for 2 years altho we have known each other for 7 years before marriage.

I am at a loss of what to do now. Many mood swings.

H felt very guilty for hurting me. After few more days, he said not too sure about feelings for me. Something missing in our relationship. I don't know what is missing? Neither can he tell me. This was the most hurting statement to me.

We went to see counsellor. H asked for chillout period. He has since gone back overseas to settle his work there. Will be back one month later. Affair has ended.

I am a financially independent woman but I feel lousy that I can't control my emotions.

He means a lot to me despite what he has done. I don't know what he wants and whether the marriage has any hope. He still calls me to find out how I am but I do not want pity and obligation.

What should I do?

Hello Crossroads(CR),

Welcome to MB although I am sorry you are here for Infidelity.

I am sure that you are at a loss at what to do.Finding out your spouse cheated on you is a major trauma and you might feel that your whole world just collapsed.Of course you are not going to know what to do and you cannot expect to control your emotions.Not yet anyway.This is all so new and painful for you.

Since you are here,just know that you are not alone.There are thousands of us(unfortunately) that are here dealing with Infidelity too.

So,what we usually recommend first is:

1)Take some time and read all the concepts here and check out our MB bookstore.There are a lot of good books to read that will help you understand what happened and how to deal with it.Two favorites are SAA(Surviving an Affair) and HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs) both by Dr.Harley.A couple of other's that I like and that many have read are,"NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass(excellent) and "Tough Love" by Dr.James Dobson.

2) I would caution you to expect that this affair(A) is not over by any means.It rarely is over when found out.This lie that our wayward spouses(WS's) tell us is just an appeasement to pacify you for now.Since your WH is back overseas again I am fairly certain that he most likely is still in contact with the OW over there.This is very common.

Obviously your marriage was not secure enough to withstand an assault by an other person(OP,other woman=OW,other man=OM) but that is not your fault.Do keep this in mind.Although your marriage might not have been perfect and it might have had some issues,making the CHOICE to cheat was 100% the fault of your WH.No matter how bad the marriage was previously,in his mind or even yours,cheating is NEVER an answer to anything.It's a selfish and painful way to self pleasure and entitlement and it only makes matters worse.

3) Read up on Plan A which is what you should be doing at this stage.If you go up under the Q&A section at the top,you will find this plan and Plan B under the Infidelity link.

4) Don't make any decisions about leaving right now.It's much too soon.You may feel like taking off and maybe even divorcing your WH but that is normal to feel after being hurt so badly.Give yourself at least 6 months to deal with all of this and really figure out what you want to do.

5) Think about exposure.Is this OW married do you know? If so,it will be important to expose this to the spouse and anyone else that can help put a damper on this A.Right now the A is encapsulated in a fantasy bubble and exposure helps to burst that bubble.

6) Get a profile(lists ages,how long married,kids,their ages,discovery day(DDay),etc.It will help other's to have a quick overview of who you are and the stats.

7) Realize that although your WH might tell you the A is over,he will be a mass of confusion and contradictions and you cannot trust him right now at all.He is UNTRUSTWORTHY,ok? WS's will lie right to your face so watch his actions.Don't believe what he says.

8) If you find that you are not eating or sleeping and you cannot function during the day,talk to your doctor about AD's(antidepressants).Many of us have been on them to help with the emotional strain and to be able to function and take care of our families.They are not for everyone but they can help.They worked very well for me and I don't think I could have managed without them.

9) Lastly,if your WH is Military,we have many more spouses dealing with that situation too.After you are settled in I will introduce you to some or hopefully they will come by and post to you.The General Questions board has much more traffic and most of us are there.One day you can transfer over there but for now it's good to be here and just do some learning and adjusting.

I hope you will stick with us.We are here for you.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 03:15 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Crossroads72
Sorry to hear about what you are going through! Been there Doing that!
You sound like a strong determined Lady who is now in an area of hurt and indecision.
As October said do not make any extreme decisions now. Construct a plan "A", Institute the plan, and stick to the plan. This will give your marriage the best possible chance to survive.
Please read Surviving an Affair since there is much incite there to your feelings and his feelings.
Always keep in mind you are innocent here. There is nothing in your marriage or that you did that justified an affair.
It Was His Decision... 100%!
Trust? Do not trust at this point. Take your time and be methodical in your approach, Listen intently, Watch like you have never watched before, and do not believe the Bull**** He may spout about not sure if he loves, ETC, ETC.
All Fog talk!
It sounds as if he is willing to rebuild your marriage into something better. Use this opportunity to do just that, but with boundaries and accountability to time and place!
WS's love to use whatever they can to justify there decision to have an affair. Don't believe the crapolla! Until he takes full responsibility for his actions and decision to have an affair your marriage rebuilding will be slow. Once he realizes he really messed up for his own personal satisfaction then recovery will happen.
Take it slow and take care of yourself Crossroads.
October has detailed a good outline to follow and I wish you the best.

SM

Great advice from October Girl and Silent Misery.

Crossroads, you may be at a crossroads, but it doesn't mean you have to hurry to decide which fork to take. The best advice I got from someone was not to make decisions when things are so emotional. Plan A it. He sounds like he is in a fog. Read about it. Come her for help, insight, advice and support. I can't believe how wonderful the people here are.

I'm 8 months from D-Day of my husbands long term affair. I am amazed at how much in love we are today. I wouldn't have predicted that 7 months ago.

God bless you and your marriage.

hns

sorry impatience caused a double post

<small>[ March 08, 2005, 06:31 PM: Message edited by: heartnsoul53 ]</small>

Tks everyone who has responded to my cry for help. I'll definitely look into plan A and get as much info as I can about the infidelity issue to help myself move on.

I feel I have been a perfect wife - SUPER WIFE, in fact. I take care of everything. But in spite of what I have done, doesn't seem like enough for H. He just takes me for granted.

Do men only feel they love you when they know that they are going to lose you?

Crossroads, I really hope this is just a hiccup in a long and happy marriage for you. Whatever happens, take solace in the fact you are financially independent. It is a great asset. TT

Crossroads
I think you'll find many betrayed spouses here that believe they were good spouses in their marriages. Some of the wayward spouses will say the same thing... My H did. He said the A was all about him. He was selfish, immature, and stupid. My point is that it isn't about how super you were as a wife. It is your H's responsibility. He made a choice that betrayed you and his vows.

With that said, many of us (BSs) find we grow and change along with our wayward spouses (WSs). Some have said that it was the first time they had allowed themselves the luxury to do things for themselves (having set their own needs and interests aside for their spouse/children for years).

Plan A is very important for you now. Also Read Plan B so you are ready when it is time to implement Plan B.

As to men only loving you when they think they might lose you ....... well, I think sometimes the potential loss is a wake up call and we reconnect with the love we have. My H and I had drifted ..... typical story of being a child-oriented household and forgetting to tend to the love we have. The discovery of the A was a wake up call for both of us. Fix this or lose one another ..... a prospect neither of us wanted to face.

Keep coming here. Read on GQII board and the Recovery board. Reading other stories is an incredible opportunity to learn. Read Bob Pure's thread on this board.

I need help again.

I was managing OK. H was telling me that A has ended. Silly me chose to believe it as he has been calling me to find out how I am. I'm starting to do things on my own - my interests. Trying to rebuild my life. He's trying to find out what I am doing and with whom.

Yesterday just got call again from OW telling me to take H back as she found someone else. Horrors of horrors, call was made from my H home.

What should I do now? I feel like the only one trying and I want to end the marriage.

Hi again,

You say this call originated from your H's home? I thought he was overseas again for a month? Does he have a home there,not live on base?

Is this OW calling you frequently and does WH know?

O

I just had a talk with H.

Answer to your query. He has an apartment overseas.

Apparently yesterday nite OW turned up at his apt and kicked up a big fuss. She hurt him physically and practically threw the apt upside down.

OW said H lied to her that he was leaving me. She said H is leaving the country to be back with me. The row lasted until abt 3 am. She called me on my phone and left messages. H was fully aware. He finally managed to chase her off.

He is at a loss of what to do. Still finding out how I am and telling me not to worry about him.

When I saw the messages this morning, my world fell apart again. I jumped to the conclusion that he was still seeing her. I am not sure what H says is the truth. Yet I found it a relief that he did not initiate the contact with her. Why am I so silly? He hurt me yet I'm still worried about him.

CR,

You still have to protect yourself and not believe anything that your WH says ok? We have heard so many stories about what the WS tells the BS only to find out it never occurred.When you are dealing with a cheating spouse and another woman who is/was actively involved with a married man(yours) they cannot be trusted AT ALL,not what they say,lead you to believe or claim to be doing.They are untrustworthy .

The question now is what is your WH going to do? He still has about a month overseas right? If the OW is as psycho as most are,then your WH should be running for the hills.But we shall see.The true test will be if and when he gets home and dealing with him then.We can help you there because we will be able to tell if it's really over or not based on what he says and does.

IMO your WH is still being secretive.Asking how you are to show concern and then asking you not to worry about him is his way of avoiding what is going on.Don't ask too many questions(he thinks) or he will have to try and come up with answers.And at this point,you really do not have any concrete proof that your WH didn't contact the OW.I would say that is highly unlikely.

Your are NOt silly CR but do recognize that many WS's try to throw you off the scent by portraying you as crazy and they make you question yourself and your gut instincts.Our instincts are there for a reason,to protect us from harm.

At this stage:

1)believe nothing your WH says.

2)take care of yourself and keep reading.

3)it's ok to let your WH know you care for him and are concerned but that you are willing to talk and seek counseling with him once you are 100% sure the A is over.

4)we can deal with this better when he is home so right now you are kind of in limbo.That is why the focus of taking care of you is important.There's not much else we can do but wait.

And expose to your families and if the OW is married,expose to her spouse.There is no reason at all to protect your WH and help him keep this all secret.It only enables the A.

Does anyone in your family know yet? Do you have any children? Ages? I would suggest that you get a profile if you plan on sticking around.It will other's to know a bit about you.

O

The OW was mad that he lied to her? So she's calling you - the WIFE! - to out him?! That
B!TCH! She's sleeping with another woman's H and she acts like he's cheating on her?

I hate to tell you this, but he probably WAS still seeing her when she "turned up" at his apt. Who lets an EX-lover show up at his apt. if he doesn't want to see her? Don't his doors open AND close? He lied to you before. Why believe him now?

Here's the deal, for some people, out of sight out of mind. So while being stationed abroad his feelings changed. That happens! In fact, even when couples don't spend time apart feelings can wane. It's natural through the course of time that you'll feel differently during the ebbs and flows of your marriage. But we can't go cheating eve time we hit a dry spell.

I guess there's nothing he can do about where or if he's stationed away from home. But being near you is key to healing your M.

I don't know what kind of game H and OW are playing. I am helpless. Guess I have to wait for him to get back in early April before I can judge H's behaviour.

It's very upsetting not knowing what to believe.

I'm taking care of myself now. H still keeps calling me. Now H seems very eager to find out where I am, what I'm doing and with whom. Previously he was not as concerned. It was me who was calling in the past. Is that positive?

How do I tell that he has changed his ways when he gets back? Should I move back home as now I'm staying with my parents? If I move home, would sleeping in separate rooms be recommended?

So many unanswered questions. My mind is in a turmoil.

-------------------------------------------------
Me (33)
WH (31)
DDay - 8 Feb 2005
No kids

Hi CR,

I know this is all so confusing to you.But,here is what I would recommend after my experience being here over a year+:

1) Keep in a Plan A of sorts.Obviously with your WH overseas,you cannot do anything phsically but you can keep calling here and there,send notes,express concern,keep him up to date with other family issues,etc.

**But here is the best part for YOU: Your WH is showing an interest in what you are doing and with whom,as you stated.That is gooood.At this time,it would be a great idea to really exude an air of happiness and encouragement and appear to be out there living your life,seeing friends,going out to dinner,keeping busy,all that.Do not suggest you are out with other men.That isn't right but do give him the impression that coming back to you would be a good thing and exciting.That you are "moving on" despite what happened.After all the time I have been here,it's not that common for me to see a WS really interested in what the BS is doing.Sometimes it is but mostly what I see is that they are out involved in their A with the OP and don't think too much about the BS and family they left behind,at least not enough to come back home in many cases.You do have an advantage here and use it.It may not last but then again it may be the clincher to getting your WH back home to you and working on the marriage if he senses he is losing you for good.So yes,I would say that it is positive he's calling but still be guarded,don't get overly encouarged just yet.

2) I would move back home and do a thorough cleaning job,top to bottom.Not only will this help you feel good but it will show your WH that you are at your home and that he might have a chance,that you feel good enough to be there again.Get rid of any junk,organize and get some fresh flowers when he is due home.Show him,again,that you are moving on and living life.Have a nice smelling pie or cake waiting.

Does this make sense to you?

3) When your WH does come home,you could suggest he sleep in the same bed if you feel ok with that BUT do not have SF unless he has an STD screen first ok? IMPORTANT.You can continue in Plan A when he is home for a time until we can ascertain what mind set he is in and how things go.There will always be Plan B around the corner if needed but first things first.

Does this help you? Do you have any other questions?

Do think about transitioning over to GQII now.I think you are ready ok? read read read.

Stay Strong~

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 13, 2005, 08:59 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Absolutely, take care of yourself. Take deep breaths when you feel like your panicking or overwhelmed. And pray.

IMHO, calling you to see where you are and with whom is a sign of paranoia not concern. He's projecting his behavior and motivations onto you. He knows what he's doing when you aren't around and subconsciously he thinks you'll be doing the same thing when he's not around. Cheating doesn't keep men from being jealous. Sorry to say.

How do I tell that he has changed his ways when he gets back? Should I move back home as now I'm staying with my parents? If I move home, would sleeping in separate rooms be recommended?

I'm not an expert on how to tell if he's changed. I'd suggest that if he's open with you about with whom, when, where and why he's going places, that's a start. If he's willing to talk openly, not blame or be evasive...If SF is normal...these are good signs. In general, if his behavior goes back to being how it was pre-A, then I'd say he's changed. Some of the signs of a secret A include being withdrawn or secretive, changing normal patterns of behavior, staying late at work, "dressing up" or wearing cologne, etc., inexplicable emails, phone calls, IMs. Others would know better than me about how to tell. However, I can say two things rather confidently: 1) most of the signs can't give you a definite answer so 2) follow your instinct.

As far as moving back home and sleeping in separate rooms be recommended, I'd personally wait to see what you sense from him to know if you should move back. Or even better, move back and kick HIM out. If you do move back in, what's the motivation for staying in the same - or a separate - room? To punish him? To ensure no sex? To make a statement? Or do you just not want to sleep next to him? If you don't want to be next to him, then you shouldn't. It probably won't punish him. You can make your statement verbally. And I would NOT have sex with him until you felt sure he wasn't with the OW anymore. But that's just me.

Have you spoken to your mom and dad about it? What do they say?

I'll say a prayer for you.

Best.

Too

Hi Octobergirl and TooInvolved

I'm so glad that I found this website and grateful for all your moral support and invaluable advice.

I'll be strong. These days I have been thinking that what the heck about the marriage if it doesn't satisfy my needs. I think I have made some progress from being desperate to save marriage in the beginning. I still care for him, no doubt, after nine years together.

He's making a lot of effort to call me daily. Now I do not call him.

My parents and sibling do know about this A. They have been most supportive to me. I am thankful that I have such strong family ties.

H says he's coming back round abt Mar monthend, otherwise early Apr. I'll just wait and see.