I am new here, after reading many posts. Wanted to share my situation & get thoughts & advice to help me through. D-day was 2/11/05. WH started acting strange/distant approx 2 months prior, now I know why! A lasted 12/18-? H says it is over now, who knows. He has told me that his last contact w/OW was on 2/22. I am not sure I believe this. I had a hunch on the morning of D-day, checked his cell. The last call was @ 3:30 am, to a female, now I know she is OW. I went to work, logged on, checked our cell bill & sure enough, over 2800 mins used, mostly on calls to the same #, hers! Called him, asked whose #? He asked me 'What are you trying to do?', I left work, he met me @ a friend's house & took me to lunch to talk. Then called her & supposedly told her it was over (38 min call!) We had started MC the week before, had appt for that night too. WH told me that he wanted to try to work this out. WH admitted that it wasn't the first time, but first EA/PA. I have since found out about 2 other ONS. There were so many lies coming out during the first 2-3 weeks, I feel like I can't believe anything he says now. I am constantly checking the cell. I haven't asked recently if he has had contact. MC & the books SAA and HNHN have helped me, along w/this site. I can see that we have not been meeting each other's EN for some time, mostly over the past 2 yrs since our daughter was born.

I asked WH if he can promise that this would never happen again & he said 'in the same circumstances, no'. That has hurt me so much. I am not sure what to think about that. He says the 2 ONS were PA only, that this OW is the first EA he has had. We have been married 6 yrs, together 10.

There has only been one (insincere) appology, very little remorse. WH seems to want to avoid discussion of the A, like he is ready to work past it. I can't just get over it that quick. He also is not as affectionate as he was prior to 12/18, kisses like he would kiss his mom, no hugging, only a handful of I Love You's. He says he can't just 'turn it back on'.

How can I get past the A to the move-on point he is at? Some of what I have read says it is normal for the WS to still act distant, but if one of my top EN's is affection, how can I get that back to help me want to meet his EN's also? I feel like w/the help of MC I have made changes to help meet more of his EN, but nothing in return. Help!

Molly, I'm new here too. These people are great! very supportive. I have been in your situation. My marriage ended. It was a good thing. Sounds like your man wants to justify his actions. Not repent. Marriage counceling is a great place to work it out. It's good that he is going. Balance is the key. Don't let him pin it all on you. He needs to meet your needs too. But you can't be a nag. Keep a clear head and keep the goal in mind. Having a child can really put romantic distance in a relationship. If it's possible, try a couples retreat. It would be a good place to get away from everything and focus on eachother.
Good luck. I'll check on you.
M

mwolf, thanks for the support. I knew it was time to post, after just reading for a week or so. It has been very difficult to get WH to talk, but MC was his idea. He says that he wants to try, but like I said before, very distant. I am not sure whether to take that as the A is not over or if he really is having a hard time dealing with his emotions. He has been more open the past two days. I feel like some progress has been made. He finally deleted OW's # from cell, that took a long time. I know that if he really wants he can contact her another way, but I feel that he hasn't so far. I can't help the suspicions though. We have both been trying to find more ways to spend time together since one of our major problems is he works 2nd shift, I work days. Like two seperate people living in one house. I am trying not to take all the blame, because no matter how bad it was I don't feel that I deserve this. I hope that he sees that too. I am wondering about the 'fog', if maybe he is going through that too. I plan to ask tonight if he has been honoring the NC. I know that I need to check that more often for my own sanity if nothing else.

molly - If you have been reading here, you know that your husband is acting like they all do when the affair is discovered and ended. They want to just sweep everything under the rug and forget about it.

It seems to me that your husband is being much more honest than most. That is a good sign. I think the A is over, but he should still send OW a no contact letter. It should say that he loves you and is going to work on the marriage, and will have no contact with her for any reason.
Then you mail the letter to her.

Don't expect him to be sorry right away. That may take some time. But your situation sounds very promising to me.

Don't forget to spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together.

Hello Molly,

Welcome to MB.

In my opinion,I would say the affair(A) is not over.It is too soon to think that.Not only have you discovered that your WH(wayward husband) is a serial cheater,but he is most definitely fog bound,he is saying all the same scripted things we hear all the time.It is almost never over that quickly or the first time after discovery and your DDay was only a little over 2 weeks ago.

My WH also erased the homewreckers cell # on his phone,with me watching,but was right back to calling her all the time.It was a show for my benefit but a gesture that he never fully intended to keep,he could not,he was addicted.Of course your WH "cant just turn it back on" because he was involved in an A and he is still emotionally connected to the OW.Most WS's do not think they can get the "in love" feeling back after crossing the line but it is poosible.But only with two committed partners and a lot of MC.

Marriage counseling is a waste of time and money if your WH is still in the A,remember that.**You should not already be trying to get past the A!!** You have much to learn and implement first before doing that and that is only "suggested" far into a recovery program.

A WS is often unremorseful,unwilling to meet YOUR needs and usually acts distant.This is common.Your WH also admitted that he cannot promise this choice to cheat would not happen again under the same circumstances.**He is telling you he is not trustworthy.That says a lot right there.

So,this is what you should be doing at this point:

**1) Plan A.Read up on it,absorb all the info and implement it.Despite whatever your WH is doing.This plan is to help negotiate the end of the A.May people think that they are supposed to be meeting the EN's of the WS during this time but it's actually recommended AFTER the A is over.Most WS's do not want you to fill needs and are getting them filled by the OP.When you try and see how it fails,you can become depressed and feel rejected.Just be aware that if you do try,it's ok to do so but don't expect any miracle of change or for him to reciprocate.

2) Continue to read all the concepts and get plenty of books to educate yourself on this issue.I am glad to see you have SAA and HNHN,that's a good start.Also consider "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and "Tough Love" by Dr.James Dobson.

3) EXPOSE.If the OW is married,her H has to know right know.Also,any family or other influences.A's thrive in secrecy and the WS and OP do not deserve protection for their choices.

4)Keep snooping.Your WH might still be secretive and if he says the A is over then he should be an open book: all cell phone records,home phone records,e-mail passwords,etc should be open for review at all times.

Hope this helps.

O

<small>[ March 10, 2005, 08:42 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Had long conversation w/WH last night. He stated that A is over. Said is has been over. From what I could tell she told him never to call again. OW not married, no kids. He told me once before she felt bad for hurting me & was going to IC herself to deal with that. At that point I told him I did not care about her or believe that she felt bad about this or me & our child. It sounds like he may not have told her he was married from the start, who knows.

I really do believe it is over because there has not been any time in the past 2 weeks that he has not been able to account for and the phone bill shows no calls from/to her. I have also checked the e-mail since we don't have seperate accounts. The only other contact he could have would be through his work e-mail, but that would be seriously risking his job as they don't tolerate any personal e-mail. I truly believe that A is over. But I have the constant fear that another could start at any time.

But where to now? I am trying plan A. He has agreed to read HNHN with me this weekend & talk about that. He called from work tonight & said he now feels like he is 'going crazy'. I have encouraged him to talk w/Dr. tomorrow regarding possibility of AD's to help him. I have asked MC about this as well, but she felt I was ok w/out. I have only taken something to help sleep. Any support is appreciated.

Have you asked him if he will write a no contact letter to the OW?

Molly, sounds like you are really off on the right foot. I think the NC letter is a good idea. Have him write it, you read it and post it. So it's all out in the open.
stay strong.
M

Hi Molly and welcome to MB...sorry to read you are now here with us.

My H has had 2 A's. One was approx 2 1/2 years ago and the last was October of last year. Both appeared to be planned ONS's, meaning they met and weeks later had an PA. Then my H ended them after the OW wanted more than just sex. I had read that there was a 60% chance that if a WS is going to have another affair it will be within 2 years from the last.

We went through MC after the first one and I thought we had gotten everything together. I find now after this last one that my H thought we could "just sweep it under the rug" even through the counseling. He says this time he really understands what he's done and has really shown me he is trying. We've read the book "Love and Respect" as well as HNHN. I have also given him the book "The Point Man" by Steven Farrar. He really is interested in this book and after every chapter he wants to discuss it (this for him is a breakthrough, as he doesn't like to read).

Seems like even through counseling, my talking, etc, he had to figure this out on his own. After the first A, he couldn't promise it wouldn't happen again, only that he could try his very best not to let the temptation pull him into the sitch again. I remembered my marriage vows and stayed to work out the marriage (in sickness and in health...A's are a sickness).

This time is much different. We are doing much better than I thought. He been very honest and open with everything he does. We've come a long way and I pray you will do the same.

If I can help in any way, just let me know.
You are in my prayers.

WH has not written NC letter yet. We haven't spoken about the A very much at all. I am not sure how to bring this up. When we talk about it I get soooo upset that we usually can't finish the conversation. He has skimmed HNHN, he is not a reader either, and I told him I want to take the quiz this weekend to determine what each of our EN's are so we can talk about them & bring them in the open. He is ok w/that & we hope to do that today.

I am having difficulty sleeping tonight. We were both off work together all day, spent the entire day together. Probably one of the hardest days of my life. Did errands together, very hard to spend most of the day in a car together & try to be nice w/this lurking in my mind all day. I guess it is just too fresh. I just can't get over how he is going along like normal & I am just barely functioning! It is like he is not suffering at all, he just got over it & moved on. Sometimes I wonder if he would ever talk about it if I didn't bring it up, or the counselor. He is more focused on the problems in our marriage, forgetting that this is now a MAJOR problem that will be there forever, no matter how strong our marriage can become. I know that I need to talk more w/our MC about this, I plan to see her Monday by myself to address this. I have also told WH that he will have to eventually talk this out w/me to help me w/forgiveness & recovery. He seems to understand that, just continues to avoid brining it up.

I guess the major thing that is bothering me is that the 3 OW he has been w/are all unmarried, according to him. They can go on w/their lives w/out him & marry, be faithful to their husbands, no real consequences. They may never think about him again. But for us there will always be his infidelity. They will always be in our marriage! How unfair is that??? I know that the OW he had EA/PA with was seeing IC herself, so he claims. Part of me truly hopes it is because she knows that she was the cause of this & that she has potentially destroyed a family. Had I not found out about her I would not know about the 2 ONS. I realize that WH would probably have had more A if I had not found out, due to the problems in our marriage that we are now working on. But I also feel like this A is hard enough to deal with without knowing about 2 ONS. He claims they were true ONS, NC after that night. Either way that is 3 OW that have been 'in our bed' in a sense. I have had to have the STD tests done, lost a lot of weight, and take sleeping pills just to sleep. My life is totally turned upside down, but there are 3 OW out there that have slept w/my H and are sleeping well tonight, just as he is.

Molly...to help you sleep better...as for the 3 OW...karma, baby, karma.
Breathe and get some rest the best way you can.