I'll try and make as short as I can, and would love to read other's opinions.

Pertinent facts:

1. I am my wife's 4th husband. She is my 2nd wife.

2. We have been married six years.

3. About a year ago she exchanged a few emails with her 3rd ex lamenting how much she missed the old times. (I found them when fixing her email at her request.) We discussed them. Etc. She promised that this meant nothing, and wouldn't have further contact with him.

4. Two months ago she moved her son to a distant city for school. Ex #3 lives there.

5. Just before going there, she was asked to contact #3 to let him know of the death of a mutual friend. In the conversation she mentioned taking son up there. #3 said he was going to be away but she could use his place for the three days. She's to fly home early on the forth day.

6. She asked me if I objected to her saving the money (Hotels are very expensive there) I said as long as #3 is not there I have no problem.

7. She takes son up there. We, as is out normal activity, speak once or twice a day by cell, up to the middle of the second day. The cells work marginally, so I don't think too much about it till about 30 hours go by. Can't get her cell, but I call her son to see what's up.

8. He announces that he left her sitting in a bar with #3. ( she hates to be alone.) I suddenly am not feeling very well. He offer's #3's cell number, but I decline.

9. Don't hear from her until the next day at work, but I don't pick up her calls cause I have to get work done and am upset. (Love caller ID)

10. After work, about 6:00 pm, at home she calls and is driving home from airport. Missed her early morning flight.

11. I talk for a minute and then say I know she and #3 had drinks. She says that she hadn't planned to see #3 but he came home early. She tries to indicate that son was with them. I tell her I know he was not. Then she says she got a hotel, but missed her flight. Basically I read her the riot act saying I think that it was inappropriate to be on a "date" with another man, not to mention an ex, and that when two former lovers go out drinking all sorts of things can happen and that I don't aprecite her trying to mislead me into thinking her son was with them when he was not.

12. Having said my peice, I drop it.

13. A few weeks later we start talking about going to see her son. And as we plan the trip we talk about places to stay. In the conversation I ask if the place she stayed on the previous trip was cheap and any good. Her reply was she couldn't remember the name and it wouldn't be a good place for us and didn't have a reciept or credit card slip. This from the woman who saves every reciept no matter how small.

14 I feel sick, and excuse myself from the conversation, thinking that this story sounds like a bad romance novel. Just couldn't believe it. Upset, I email #3 and ask flat out if she stayed overnight with him.

15. No reply before we have to leave for her daughters wedding for three days.

16. On the way back home she asks what's wrong. I tell her I just can;t accept her story about the hotel, she indignantly asserts it is true.

17. Later at home I check email and #3 says she did stay overnight. That they were out drinking (he is a lush, she drinks heavily at times too) and then they sat up at his place talking, then it was too late to go get a hotel, so she slept over, but there was no sex or anything.

18. I mull this over for a few days stymied as to what to do next. On the weekend I tell her we have to talk. I tell her of the email. She insists she stayed at a hotel and has no idea why #3 would lie. Now I am truly bewildered. She aintains adamantly she stayed in a hotel - completly, absolutly, solidly, and unwavering.

19. Two days later she comes home with a letter and admits guilt. She didn't stay at a hotel, but assures me nothing happened in a physically inappropriate way. It comes out that #3 admits losing her was the biggest mistake, etc, and #3 asks her to move to be with him. She says she just passed out on his bed fully dressed and woke in the morning to him gone to work.

20 I accept her tearful apology. I am a sucker for tears, no strength in the face of them. I tell her I forgive her, and I accept her assertion that there was no sex.

21. Now she laments the fact that while I forgave her, I don't feel complete trust in her.

Sorry for the long post but the questions are:

A. Am I an idiot for believing there was no sex?

and

B. If there was no sex, is this a form of infidelity?

and

C. Am I wrong to have lost faith (under certain circumstances) in her fidelity?

Other comments are welcome. Thanks for reading and listening!

Vern

At this point in my life I have learned that once the lies start...they don't seem to end.

What your wife did was totally wrong. If you are thinking she had sex with him, theres issues correct?

she lied to you about it....

is that infidelity??

By definition infidelity and betrayal are synonymous.....

Do you feel betrayed??

Hello Vern,

Welcome to MB.

Well,I am sorry for what your W did to you.I can sympathize with why you felt sick.

Your W was W-A-Y out of line to behave this way and then to lie about it all over the place.That is not a good sign.It's bad enough when you have to use a crowbar to pry the truth out of someone but then when they only admit when you hand over physical evidence of somekind,all trust gets obliterated by that stage.

At thsi point,you cannot believe that she didn't have sex with the EX.Afterall,she has lied about everything thus far about him and what took place.She has made herself untrustworthy at this point.

What does she say about the message that the EX says it was a big mistake to let her go and now he wants her back with him? How does she feel about that?

If there was no sex,at the very least,it was a betrayal on her part.If she isn't involved in any EA right now she is clearly headed for one.Also,the fact that she has been married 4 times now does raise some concerns about her abilities to deal with problems and her own inner demons.

Try not to let the tears snow you.You need to keep your wits about you at this time.

O

Vern,

I think it is pretty clear why you are husband number 4. It is hard to accept anything she has said to you. You have caught her in lies after lies. I doubt that they were just drinking and she fell asleep in his bed and nothing happened. This is the same guy that wants her to move back with him. The fact that she continued to lie to you about this indicates it was a cover-up. She has betrayed and disrespected you and I think you know this. I think marriage counseling is in order. In addition, I would insist on her taking an STD test.
If the roles were reversed after all of the lying that went on; do you honestly believe that your wife would have believed such a **** and bull story? I am amazed that she is mad at you because you do not trust her. Why shold you. This is typical of a cheating spouse to try and shift the blame to something else. The bottom line is that she clearly has lied and betrayed you and is playing you for a fool. I would have my legal options lined up because it sounds like there is a possiblilty she will leave you for number 3. The sad part is that your trust is gone. She lied to your face and spend the night with her ex and in almost all probability had sex with him. The question to ask is do you both really want to fix this or not. It sounds like you will be having to look over your shoulder consistently for her lies. I think again you may need to consider various legal options to possibly protect yourself in the future. I wish you luck.

Vern,

How did your wifes past marriages end?.

I think her other marriages ended in adultry, and probably she was the one who cheated in some instances. As a connoisseur of wood i have learned apple trees will only produce apples they will never produce oranges even though you want an orange.

Thank you all for your thoughtful and concerned replies.

In the interest of brevity I omitted some details that do color my current decisions, such as the impact on children and etc., but I left out nothing that factually changes the tale.

In the eMail from #3 he said that he found her to be very appreciative of her relationship with me, and he said there was no sex. But of course, what is he going to say? If the truth were otherwise? Is he going to say I banged your wife and invited her to move in?

I also do know that she claims to be mortified by her actions, and that many a "date" she and I have had ended up with her falling asleep instead of having sex.

But then she knows, because we have talked about it, that sexual infidelity is a non-negotiable deal killer, so unless she is wanting things to end, and I don't think she does, she knows that the only acceptable answer is that there was not any sex.

In none of her divorces were affairs the issue.

For the moment I have chosen to accept the story as told, that there was only social, conversational activitity, and she fell asleep when it got late, because it sounds like her and fits.

I have forgiven her. But forgetting would be foolish. I also have to stay with the idea that she is weak enough that under the right circumstances she might have a one night stand (even tho her personal code before the fact is that she never would). And I believe I know exactly how it could happen.

What has been very helpful is to see that my sense of the event, even accepting the "no sex" assetions, is not out of line with what the typical reasonable person would think.

I tend to be very cautious about compromising situations, and I have very strong, and probably conservative, views on third parties. (Not religious, tho.) I simply have no need for the problems that third parties bring to relationships, and also, in this day and age where allegations of misbehavior are made so easily, I don't want ANY possibility of being accused.

Unfortumatey, not everyone sees things this way. And while she might in theory agree, having the personal strength to walk away from some situations doesn't seem to be her strength.

Time will tell, because its the bottom of the ninth with two out and two strikes.

Thank you all for you comments.

Vern