Hello all,
I recently found this site. I'll try to briefly tell my story.
I am 50, my wife is 48. The past few years have been very stressfull. We are both self employed, and frequently work together. We also have three teens. A few years ago we lost a contract, and money was very, very tight for a while. During that time, we were sued by another business. Actually, my wife was sued, since it is her business and she is the sole owner. As a result, she took the brunt of the stress. She was totally vindicted, but the lawsuit cost us emtionally and financially. It dragged on for about 1 1/2 years.
During that time we talked with each other less and less. We both have some issues with one another, but we let them slide,,,,,,
We have been married 20 years, and together for 22. We knew each other in high-school. We never learned how to have a discussion about disagreements. I can see that in retrospect. We never fought, we just never talked about problems. The first years we just always seemed to be on the same page. For my part, I was afraid of hurting her by mentioning issues I had with her. I believe she felt the same.

My wife seemed to be getting more distant, and I am sure she thought the same about me. We had come to live almost seperate lives. Last Nov. my wife said she did not want to have sex anymore. That was a shock; in my opinion, we had a good sex life for 22 years. I knew she had been having some pre-menopausal issues, so I thought that just waiting it out, and maybe her seeing a doctor to explain what was going on would help. I guess that shows how clueless I am.

For three months I tried to talk about our reationship, etc. She showed no interest in talking about it. Three weeks ago I came across some e-mails that turned my world upside down. I only read about 5 e-mails, but what I saw was an emotional attatchment to another man where she works. Intensely romantic talk. I showed her what I had found, and she said it was really nothing, he was just a very good friend. Then I found out that she was e-mailing and text messaging from home. She still maintains that it is not an affair.

I need to add here that I visit chat rooms on the net. I had an instant message dialogue with a woman in 1997 or so. When the net first came about, it was a thrill. I guess you could call that an emotional affair. My wife was very upset by it, so I stopped it completely and immediately. I had no idea the kind of hurt that something that seems so innocent can cause. Since then, I chat with others anonomously, mostly out of boredom, since my social life had gone to nothing. I still had no idea the pain I caused untill I read those e-mails three weeks ago. Now I know.

I called a marriage counsler, and arranged a meeting. My wife agreed to go, saying it would be a great idea to start talking. We have been twice as a couple, and once each alone. We have had good discussions, but only at my urging.

In my opinion, my wife is in a romantic phase of a relationship. It has gone on for about a year as far as I can tell. I can see now how it happened. She felt I had not provided enough emotional support through those tough years. I probably did not. But as I told her recently, I gave all I had. We still had three kids to raise. She was emotionally strung out from the lawsuit, and I had to focus on the kids. That was the time we should have sought outside help. But neither of us knew better. She met a guy (married), at work, and they were attracted to each other. He was great for her self esteem. I totally understand how it could happen. It might have happened to me in the right circumstances.

We are now in the midst of trying to work it out. I am totally and unconditionally committed. I don't think she believes that yet. She recently said that she was afraid I was going to walk out the door at any time in the last few years. That was a shock to hear, and goes to show how much we were not communicating. The thought never entered my mind.

I know my wife has reservations about our marriage. I also don't think she realizes how involved she is in her relatinship at work. It seems that she is content with things as they are for now. She is really enjoying her attachment. Which scares me. This man will be in her business life for possibly years to come.

That's all I can get down for now. We are supposed to go out tonight. I try to keep things light, but it is very, very difficult. I am sleeping about 2-4 hours a night and can barely eat. I am mostly over the intense physical reaction, but it comes back in waves. I never realized how much I love her. The thought of our family being broken up is intensely upsetting.

Thanks for letting me write this,
hopefullynottoolate

Please read the articles on this site, and then consider getting Surviving an Affair by Harley. You will see many things that you recognize, and you will learn some strategies for dealing with this.

I don't have a lot of time now, but I am sure others will post. Fri's and the weekends are so hang in there and talk to people on Mon.

God Bless,

JL

JL,
Thanks for the words. I have been reading the site quite a bit for the last week. I've learned more about marriage and relationships in the last three weeks than I learned in the previous 20 years.

I am coming to terms with how things are right now. When you first see those letters, it's like hitting the brakes driving on ice,,,,you are thinking this can't be happening,,,,and there is no control,,,,,,I had no idea I could have a reaction like that. It was a real eye opener.

I saw the counsler myself yesterday. I told him my immediate concerns are her relationsip. Otherwise, our conversation and interaction has been very good. We were both too tired to go out last night, so we watched movies as a family,,,it was very nice. We have done a lot of family stuff the past two weeks, and it has been almost normal,,,,,,but there is always that background stress.

We have a meeting with the counsler this Wed. I am going to press my wife some more at that time about her relationship. With the third person there, it has more of a chance of being a calm discussion. For now, I don't want to increase the stress this weekend, since the kids are all home and we are enjoying it.

From what I have read here, she displays all the symptoms of being hooked on the contact. Text messaging and e-mail. The insistance on it being only a very good friendship. They definitely consider it illicit, because it is hidden. I don't know how much his wife knows. I'm sure she suspects, because he uses a Blackberry to message. If you leave it around the house, it is only a matter of time.

I'll let you know how it goes this Wed.

Thanks for listening,
hopefully