Hello.
Let me start with saying hello to everyone. I hope you guys have some insight into my problem as it is eating me up.
I'm 25 years old next month, my wife is 24. We have been together for 6 years now, 4 of those married. We have worked through hard situations in our lifes together and have quiet a journey together. My fathers death, her grandmothers death, our cat...robbed in our old apt and now finally things working out. We have moved into a beautiful house on the good part of town and life was going well. The occasional fights of course, but over the last few months she just seemed more distant. Sex pretty much stopped completly. It hasn't been good in quiet some time, but it just stopped all together. My grandmother made an observation last november on how my wife seemed so distant to her. I didn't think anything was different but my grandmothers words just stuck with me. So I investigated. January 5th after she went to bed I took a look into her car. Come to find a little love card, like the ones she used to give me, addressed to a different man with a nice "I LOVE YOU" signed at the bottom. I pretty much lost it there. I screamed, I cried, I pleaded, I questioned. I told her to stop this immediately. I said all the wrong things. 10 days later she promised me she had ended it. Of course being a sceptic I didn't take her words as full truth.
As of last weekend she started saying we need to separate. She needs on her own. Try to find who she is, what she wants and what she likes. Says she has been with me for so long she only knows me and what I like but has neglected herself. I went along with it. I told her I agree. Maybe some time apart will do us both some good. The last thing I want is to lose my wife because she hates to be around me.
But, March 9th, she came home from work. Put her purse down and went to bathroom. I took that chance to take a look at her cellphone. In it I find several text messages from the same day, and dating back many weeks, to the same guy again. Little notes like "Hi, how are you. Call me today. I Luv U." These were going both ways...from him to her...and her to him.
Little background on the guy. 24 years old, working a the same company as her, not same place, just same company. He is in a current relationship with a girl for the last 7 years.
This brings back to her wanting to separate. How am I suppose to believe now that this is for us? She said today she loves me, but isn't IN LOVE with me.
What to do??! Go on with the separation that she is so hell bent on and just let it be and see? I read the PLAN A / PLAN B ideas and I attempted for PLAN A but it ended in utter failure. Is PLAN B, total separation without contact my only option? Is all lost?
She said she always wanted things to change with us, so since this happened in January I have started to work on myself. Be an attentive listener, just overall change to what it was she wanted. But it seems to late. She says she loves the changes, but doesn't think they are permanent. Are they? I think they can be, its hard on me, but the last thing I wanted is to lose the person I love the most.
I'm just lost in emotions and feelings now. I have been making sure I don't apply any of the LOVE BUSTERS as to drive her away further. She is still living here until Wednesday. She will move in with a girlfriend of ours.
I can't keep her here, so all I can do is let her go?! Please give me some advise on how I should handle this. I do love her very much, as much as her A hurts, I can see why it would happen. The feeling of new, the attention from the new guy...its all normal to me and I can see past it if I have to.
What to do?!

PRISMX,
You are right you are not your wife's jailer. If she is going to leave she'll leave.

Need to create an environment that might change her mind.

That is what Plan A is about. You said it ended in total failure. Give more info on this:

What did u do?

How did she react?

How long did you Plan A?

Why do u think it failed?

Harley says that until a good Plan A has been tried it isn't time for Plan B. If a good plan A doeesn't workj then it is time for a Plan B.

Keep in mind that there is no guarantee that Plan A or Plan B will work. But at least it's a cohesive plan that has worked for many others b4 you.

Try and give detailed info on my above questions.

Mac

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cwmac:
<strong> PRISMX,
You are right you are not your wife's jailer. If she is going to leave she'll leave.

Need to create an environment that might change her mind.

That is what Plan A is about. You said it ended in total failure. Give more info on this:

What did u do?

How did she react?

How long did you Plan A?

Why do u think it failed?

Harley says that until a good Plan A has been tried it isn't time for Plan B. If a good plan A doeesn't workj then it is time for a Plan B.

Keep in mind that there is no guarantee that Plan A or Plan B will work. But at least it's a cohesive plan that has worked for many others b4 you.

Try and give detailed info on my above questions.

Mac </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hello.
Well we sat down all calm. I asked her how she felt about the other guy. If she felt like thats who she wants to be with. If that would be what she wants for herself. In responds I just got "I don't know".
I then went further to ask if she felt that we are over or on the verge of being over or if there was any chance of reconciliation between the two of us. That failed.
I asked if she ever thought that maybe she would consider ending her current A on her own without any pressure from me. Just to put the thought in here head you know. That ended in a "I don't know".
After which she said "I don't think it would work to well since he has his own life and his own girlfriend. I never asked him to leave her"
She then hinted though that apparently he had mentioned that there is a chance that he might leave his current girl. But it doesn't sound like its written in stone.
She feels that separation is the best thing for her. Yes, HER. It used to be "for us" but it has now changed to her. She even says it might sound selfish, but she needs time for herself to deal with her emotions and feelings and to find herself and what it is she wants.
She most definetly has wanted change from me. Of course after 6 years I can promise up and down the road of change and she wouldn't believe it. So instead I have taken everything I have learned online, read, and heared from her, to heart. I have been trying to be better and being a nice, kind, easy to talk and listen to person. So far I'm only into week 2. This is by no means a complete change, but it has caused her to be completly confused because she says I'm different now. I plan on keeping that going because she mentioned herself that "i can't get mad u".
She seems really really confused, but so am I.
I don't think I can stop the separation. I don't know how and I don't want to fight. Instead I have encouraged her with kind words and no anger. I see it softening her, but the coldness keeps coming back here and there. Just this last Friday I tested her. I went out with my buddies, stayed out till 1am, came home, packed my bag, kissed her on the head, said "I love you" and took off. I didn't tell her where I was going. I just went to another town to stay with a friend. Sure enough the cellphone never stopped ringing. I wouldnt answer. The next morning I had over 10 missed calls from here and several text messages. Most very polite and carring sounding. It confuses me. When I was the one destroyed and feeling alone, she left me there. No calls...nothing. Now when I turn it around, I get attention. Why?! Is all not lost here? Will time apart do us some good to bring us back together? In no way will the separation go as she hopes. I will not fight, will not be angry, hell I'll even help her load boxes in the car.
But whats next?!!

Confusion is normal for a WS. Of course you cannot stop the separation. And, as you suspect, it is an opportunity for her to pursue her affair with less interference. However, Plan A is not about her reactions (though her noticing the changers you have made is evidence that what you are doing is heading in the right direction), it's about whether you want to do look yourself in the mirror and say that you have done everything you could to save your marriage. In the end, she needs to participate as well. But right now, you are the only one working on it. Plan A/Plan B is a tried and true method that gives you a much better chance than if you just do what feels right. You really need to re-read about Plan A. Harley's description leaves out a lot of detail. I have posted some links that should help clarify things in the quote below. Plan A is a strategy to convince your spouse that you are a better choice than their lover. Obviously, you should never have to do this, because our wedding vows promise that we will forsake all others. Well, life's not fair. No one says you have to fight for your marriage at all. However, if you decide to fight - and it appears that you have, Plan A/Plan B gives you the best shot. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your situation is harder, but your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good. But, whether your spouse is "on board" or not, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was "Surviving an Affair" by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as "SAA") available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of "the message of the affair" (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase "the message of the affair" is from the book "Torn Asunder", by Carder (hereinafter referred to as "TA"). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read "The State of Affairs", (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC?s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don't cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC's in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ March 13, 2005, 03:16 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Everything seems to make it sound like it takes two. I can't make her want to work on this. I have tried and tried and I think thats what makes her want to go away even further. Finally I have come to the conclusion that "talking" doesn't do a thing anymore. It is like talking at a wall She won't give me honest answers. i don't even know where we stand.
She goes out to "the tanning bed" and stays out for 4 or 5 hours. This has been a daily thing. I know of the other guy, so it just eats me up to know that she is...right now in this very moment...with him.
All the advise here is great, but I don't know. I'm slowly thinking that there is just no point anymore. As much as I want there to be. The worst is that this isn't something that was developing, this just hit like lightning and is devastating me under it.

Part of Plan A is EXPOSURE. I haven't seen that you've EXPOSED, even to the OM's GF. Have you? If not, why not?

Get busy with exposure now.

Quit pressing her for answers. She doesn't have any answers for you because she's lost. You cannot force her to do anything.

Lay low! Stay calm and easy going. Pick up your copy of Surviving an Affair and STUDY it. You are missing some of the points of Plan A, and you are forcing her away from you.

Read more here and learn how to influence her thoughts by YOUR actions, in self improvement, and becoming a safe and caring place for her to return.

Be patient... these things have their own time frame. You are wanting results in days, when its going to take months. Hunker down, this is a long haul.

Best wishes,
SD

"she has been with me for so long she only knows me"

I was told the same thing 2 years ago. I am 26 and my FWW is 23. I feel your pain. You are not alone, you came to a great place. We all here are going or have gone thruogh the same experience and it is hell. Listen to all the great advice that you will be given here. I will post more tommorrow. Keep the spirits up.

I totally agree with the other poster who said EXPOSE this to the OM's Girlfriend.....and if need be their WORK!!

She needs to realize this is not going to be as "easy" as she thinks and exposure will make her look at the "fantasy" a little differently!

Blessings,
Atruheart

Your situation and mine sound so similiar but don't they all.

My FWW are on the road to recovery because of exposure and plan A.

The exposure raises the stress level for WW and OM. You will probably be accused of betrayal by WW, I was, but thats "fog" talk and doesn't mean much in the long run.

Something I believe you have in your favor is that OM doesn't sound like he is into committments. Especially, a GF of 7 years and no engagement or marriage.

Plan A behaviors will work if you consistently practice them and make them habits. My FWW was very suspicious of them as she felt that I was using them to mask other things. As we are in recovery now and I have kept up the positive behaviors, she accepts them for what they are, changes made to make me better and to make us better.

Vaya con dios.
GVS

Wow! Thanks alot guys! This is really some good advise. But how did you go about reaching the other girlfriend? I had thought about it, but I don't know how I could get in touch with her. I guess I really have not worked Plan A enough and I do see many of my mistakes now. Its just extremely hard at this point.

Prismx... maybe this will help put Plan A into perspective for you... I posted this to a female BS, so read it to be gender corrected for your case...LOL!

Plan A is about taking actions to help end the affair. (Exposure)

Plan A is about self-improvement. Changing those things about YOU that were not condusive to a healthy marriage. LoveBuster's is the number one thing to eliminate COMPLETELY. No more Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgements, etc.

Plan A is about appearing (no matter how hard it is) to be strong, self confident and able to "deal" with the A in a pro-active manner.

Plan A is empowering yourself by taking actions in self-improvement.

Plan A is done without informing the WS that you are doing it. WS's have no plan. You are empowered because you do have a plan.

Plan A is about NOT constantly confronting and pressuring the WS into relationship talks.

Plan A is NOT about telling your spouse "I Love You" all the time.

Plan A is NOT about appearing weepy and needy all the time.

Plan A is NOT about laying down and taking all his actions in stride and just "doing nothing".

Plan A is NOT about enabling his A by moving out, loaning money, giving him space, giving him privacy.

Play A is about reaching a point in personal PAIN where you can detach somewhat, emotionally, and think with your mind, rather than with your heart. Your heart will tell you to do things that are counterproductive. You mind, coupled with Surviving an Affair, and these boards, will keep you within the boundries of Plan A.

Plan B is designed only to follow a great Plan A.

Plan A has a timetable, set by you, and typically can run from 3 to 6 months.

Plan A is not for wimps. It takes strength and resolve. There is a horrible amount of pain involved, and you must bear the FULL load of the work that must be done to save your marriage.

Plan A is about "reverse babble". Search Orchid's threads. How to amaze and confuse a WS with reverse babble.

Plan A is about showing your WS that you are the better choice for them, because you LOVED them enough to apologize for your part in allowing the marriage to become vulnerable, and to be the ROCK, by keeping to your principles during these times.

Dust off the book and re-read about Exposure, Plan A and Withdrawal. Very important information.

Lastly, keep a positive mental attitude. This can be successful. It was for me.

Best wishes,
SD

<small>[ March 14, 2005, 09:42 AM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Oh wow! I did Plan A so wrong...

But I really think Plan A is over. She will be out on Wednesday. So what to do now? I can't go back and fix what I have already destroyed in Plan A now. I will of course move along the Plans ideas for the remainder of time. But she is pretty much out of this house on Wednesday and there is really nothing I can do anymore to prevent that. Having done everything wrong in Plan A probably just furthered it also.

I should have finished the last post but here is where we stand at this point in time.

Last night I made the mistake to "talk" to her in private, in the car so we couldn't run off. She pretty much told me straight up "i don't want to be with you anymore."
I asked "do you no longer want to be my wife?" and she said "No I do not."
To me that seems like the end. Nothing left since she said it all clear and without tears. Just cold and to the point.
So of course emotions go wild, i lost it and freaken cried right there (i know that was a mistake but damn, that hurt!!!)
Either way, we get home and she wants to go get some "fresh air". This translated into going somewhere, sitting outside and calling HIM.
I'm at home, the roof is coming down on me so I take off walking to a friends house in the neighborhood. We sit and talk and low and behold, my cellphone goes off. Its her. I won't answer. She calls and calls and calls.
Finally I just walk home. This is after 8 missed calls. I get home and i ask "how was ur talk with ur friend?" (i know! MISTAKE!) and she says "I needed someone positive to talk to since ur all depressed". I lose it and say that I will call him myself and ask him how he feels to know that we are married and that its time to tell his girlfriend whats going on. She just about loses it. Starts yelling, screaming and threatens to kill herself if I dare call him. So I don't.

That pretty much sums up my night.
Today I just feel I want her gone. Out and away. She called me to tell me she got her loan today for her new stuff for the other place she is going. How kind of her?!
I now just feel maybe its best if she is gona. But maybe I should set her an ultimatum?! Be gone by wednesday 6pm?! Is that a good move?
I will also cancel her cellphone as it is my 2nd phone to begin with. This will slow down her communication to her boyfriend.

He Does NOT KNOW that she is married to me!

Any comments? Suggestions? Whats left here to do?

<small>[ March 14, 2005, 06:38 PM: Message edited by: prismx ]</small>

Ok, ok, ok..... first of all.... Calm down!

First things first. Get control of the LoveBusters. You gotta do this NOW, and for the foreseeable future. Just stop. Otherwise, you might as well call the limo and send her on her way. LB's help her JUSTIFY her Affair. YOU are the BAD GUY, and her new boyfriend is the "ONE".

Your angry outburst, disrespectful judgements make it EASY for her to justify her actions. So, damn it, stop! OK? End of lecture...

Secondly, quit hanging on every word she says. Consider her "mentally ill", or "her mind alien abducted", what ever works for you. THAT is not your wife, so quit listening to her. Re-read all that stuff about Plan A and "get-r-done", ok?

Quit talking about the OM. Quit talking about the A. Treat your wife like she's the object of your desires, and lighten up!

Don't tell her you love her.

Do a quick evaluation of EVERYTHING you bring to the marriage. Especially all the BAD STUFF. Starting NOW, go to work on yourself. Change all of those things about yourself that she's mentioned over the years. Have you helped enough with the domestic housework? Have you made the bed in the morning? Laundry? Has she wanted a room painted and you've put it off for 3 years? Does her car need fixed? You get the idea. All this stuff adds up. Git busy with it!

All the energy you expend on these things will deter your mind from dwelling on your marital woes, and you will feel energized, rather than victimized.

Oh, another 2x4. Don't threaten to call the OM's girlfriend. Don't tip your hand. That's a powerful weapon you have. Now she's going to tell OM that you are going to call her, and diffuse the impact. Now, you ARE still going to call her. Yes, that's right, you ARE still going to contact her, but you have to do it soon, and you have to produce ALL of the evidence you can gather to SHOW her you are not the CRAZY guy the OM has already warned her might call, because he "thinks" OM is involved with his wife. Dammit, man, you gotta have a plan! Plan A. Marriage Builders. That's your plan. READ SURVIVING AN AFFAIR IN THE NEXT 48 HOURS!

Follow the exposure to OM's girlfriend to your WW's parents, brother's, Sister's and close friends. Not out of vengence, but out of LOVE for your wife, and your DESIRE to save your marriage. Expose to anyone else in your inner circle who may have close enough to your WW to impact her thinking. If you can locate the OM's parents, EXPOSE to them, as well.

Yeah, she'll be pissed. But would you rather have her pissed, or gone? Takes guts, but you can, and WILL do this, ok?

Your life will be upside down for months, so better get used to it. Locate a pro-marriage counselor who you can begin seeing.

Read all the books on infidelity you can work in, with Surviving an Affair at the top of the list. Next read After an Affair and Not Just Friends.

You are in for the fight of your life. Prepare yourself mentally. Call your Dr. and explain what's going on and get on some AD's (antidepressants) which will help you get grounded and think with your mind and not with your heart.

I've given you plenty to do and think about. So I'll leave you with this. You can do this. I've done it, and many others here have done this as well. Think positive thoughts and believe in yourself. Read all this stuff I've written until you KNOW it. It's your launch pad.

Blast off!

Best wishes,
SD

Wow!
Thanks for putting it into perspective.
I have done most of what you ask. I have done everything around the house these last few weeks. I mean EVERYTHING. It is the only thing keeping me sane at this point. Its like I have to do something or else im gona go crazy and breakdown into tears.
I have no way to contact the OW. I wouldn't know where to start looking. All I have is OM's cellphone numbers. So there is a bummer.
As of today, she is still moving out. I have been very sure not to use any LB's and to be sure not to anoy her in anyway or mention a thing about the problem at hand.
I take it the move out the door with ultimatum isnt that brightest? I have thought this over and over and over and I just can't deal with her walking around in her underwear around me. Its killing me that she shows so little respect for me and my feelings. I hide them now. It hurts so bad...but I manage.
The book is ordered but will be here after he departure. She is hell bent on getting out so I really don't know what to do to stop it. I don't think I can without going into emotions and feelings again. If I say "Hey, you sure u want to go?" I will get a snappy responds and boom everything goes to hell again.
You guys have so many great things and ideas, but its insanly hard to apply them just like that.
I will continue to be nice and polite, listening, answering the phone as before. It helps not have no fights, but what the hell am i doing.
I'm sorry if my posts seem like im a nut...but I swear its just my feelings talking here...i do not act like it in order to maintain dignity and no LB's!

How about leave a goofy little card next to a single long stemmed red rose on the table for her....?

Honey, I know things have been difficult between us for a while. I have come to realize that some of my efforts in this marriage may have fallen short of your expectations.

I ask, out of the love I promised you when we took our vows, that you give me 30 days to show you I understand your dissapointment, and I am determined to be the man you expected me to be.

If for no other reason than to give me a second chance?

Love,
prismx

=============================================

others may have better ideas, but mold this one to your liking if it fits

What you are feeling is entirely normal. We say around here: "Welcome to the emotional rollercoaster." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Of course it is insanely hard to apply. That is why I suggest you pray in my signature line post. You need God's power to do this.

Prismx,

Please go back and regroup your thoughts. Formulate a good plan for you. The WS is lost in the A land so helping her is futile.....for the moment. Work on you.

To start with, go back to page 1 and read John's post. Then read the links he so graciously provided. Read ALL of them.

Then schedule some phone counseling time with Jennifer @ MB. Jennifer will help you get a solid plan in place but you must stick with it. You will benefit 1st and then your W whenever she decides t/b your W again.

Remember when dealing with a WS vs your W, you need to know the difference. Your actions and reactions w/b different with the WS vs your W.

take care,
L.

prismx - (((((prismx))))) A hug of understanding to begin.

Just a quick request for some information before proceeding; are you, your wife, or both of you professing Christians?

I ask to know what part faith plays in your lives and whether or not "God's commands" have any meaning or relevance to your marriage or to a potential recovery of your marriage.

In the meantime, let me offer this bit of advice. I would strongly suggest that you actually DO what is suggested, but the choice will always ultimately be up to you as to what advice to accept and what to reject.

Expose the affair to the OM, the OM's girlfriend immediately. "Not knowing" who the girlfriend is is NOT an excuse. Find out. Ask people where he works about her, follow him to find out, etc. In short, be a "detective." ALL affairs flourish in the DARK, in SECRET, but they lose their luster in the LIGHT of day, of exposure, of having to face REALITY instead of fantasy.

Your wife is in what is called around her "The Fog." While in this state NOTHING you say or do will "get her back." The process BEGINS with ending the affair first. Until that happens, there IS no marriage and there is no possible recovery of the marriage.

With respect to her "seperation request." Bogus. It has everything to do with getting you "out of the way" so she can play with her OM anytime she feels like it without having to "report home."

What State do you two live in? Some States, such as mine in North Carolina, still have "Alienation of Affection" as legitimate grounds for a suit against the OM AND have financial teeth in them. Your State may not, or it may have a similar option.

Consider, if you can afford it, hiring a PI to find out everything he can about the OM and his GF, etc.

Beyond that, I will await your response to the opening question.

Know, further, that you could not have found a better place to get help with your situation. We've all "been through it," or are "going through it," and we understand. Brace yourself, prismx, the road you are embarking upon is tortuous at times and will require much resolution and commitment from you, but it CAN be done and your marriage CAN be recovered. Just commit to the "long haul," because it likely will take many months at a minimum.

Run out as fast as you can and get two books to help get you started. The first is called Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. That is the basis of Marriage Builders and will "get you up to speed in a hurry. The second book is called, Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. You will find the descriptions of the various types of affairs, what needs to be done, and recovery timeframes in that book. Both will give you a solid foundation upon which to build not only your recovery efforts, but a better and more solid marriage in the future, whether it is with your present wife or, should your wife refuse to repent, with another wife in the future.

God bless.

Thank you everyone!
The help you give me is priceless. I don't lie when I say that it is scarying me. But I want to give it my all.
Now for the questions. No, we are not religious, neither one of us so therefore nothing having to do with god or church will have an impact on her.
When I read all these things, I still keep wonder, do I call the OM and talk to him? Afterall I do know that it will scare him and her and I do know that he has NOT told his girlfriend of the A.
The Surviving an Affair book is ordered and should be here tomorrow.
In the mean time I will try the card and flower in hoped to keep her here longer. When do I call the OM about this? Do I do this now...today? Or do I wait? I'm willing to do whatever to find out about his girlfriend, but I have absolutely nothing to start on. He is a utility worker for a bank which means he goes from bank to bank when needed. This leaves me with no place to go to find out further information on him. They are unlisted in the phonebook as both have only cellphones as far as I know.
Today I woke up, I acted my nice self but as soon as she left I just looked at the mirror and asked if its worth this. Putting on the happy face and being nice is oh so hard and hurts so much. It really feels like it is eating on me. I feel very tired and exhausted but I will not give up on her.
I have been reading everything I can about this on this site and forums. I know she still cares. She shows it at times. She left this morning and still kissed my forehead as she left.
If calling the OM is what its going to take...I'm all for it. I just need to know if that is indeed the right step to take?! Remember, she threatened me to kill herself if I was to talk to him.