*call*
Hello My name is *** I think you know who I am.
I'm just calling to clear up a few things that have happened over the last few months.

First of all I would like to be sure that you know it is not a girlfriend you are having an affair with, but my wife.

How about "I am not certain that you know that ****, the girl you are having a relationship with right now, is my wife


We have been married for 4 years now, despite what she may have said to you. If you do not believe me you are free to go to the courthouse and see for yourself.


I would like for you to understand that I love my wife and it does hurt to see her having an affair with another man. But this does not in anyway stop me from being there for her and trying to fix what has been broken.

I feel that it is also not right of you to play your girlfriend for as long as you have. It is my understand, from what my wife said, that you and your girl have had a long term relationship already and do indeed live together.

It is not up to you to "judge" him in "playing" his girlfriend. Just tell him you are committed to your marriage, and his involvement with your wife is counterproductive.

Do you feel it is ok to carry on as is with my wife and not let your girl know of what is going on? Don't you think she has a right to know this, and what you have done?

Rather than the above...perhaps "There has already been a lot of pain as a result of this relationship. I am willing to forgive my wife for her part in this, and work on our marriage.

I'm not calling out of anger towards you, im calling to let you know that even though this affair is going on, I do still love my wife and I refuse to just surrender her.

I hope you will take into consideration what you your involvement is doing to my marriage...


are doing to me, your girlfriend, our families and friends and you take a good long look at it.

Delete the above...

Thats all I have to say. Take care.

Be prepared for him to snub you completely, or, to tell you your W has told him your marriage is "over", or anything inbetween. He may want to offer some information or excuses. He may apologize. He may tell you to "F" off and he'll do as he pleases.

Leave his GF out of the call, if yo can.

Appeal to him, man to man, to bow out and let you have a chance to rebuild your marriage.

As always, cool, calm, collected. No anger, no name calling, no DJ's. Take the "high" road. It will almost be like a "professional" business call.

You have no idea what your WW might have told him. Be keen to listen to what he says your WW has told him about you, as it may be something you haven't thought about that YOU need to change, as a Pre-A marital condition. Always be willing to learn!

Don't worry about your WW going to file. It's normally just a manipulative threat. Now, it could happen, but filing doesn't "end" the marriage. Once she sees the expense and the other realities of D, it will give her more to pause and reflect upon.

Best wishes,
SD

UPDATE!! Here is the email I just received from her:

"I don't really know what to say. We have both messed up in this relationship. You really need to understand how unhappy I am. Sometimes I would hate myself so much because of the things you would say to me or the way you would treat me. I could never understand why you would ever feel the need to treat me the way you did. Five years is a long time of my life and sometimes I feel like it was so wasted being so depressed all the time. I do admit that you have changed over the past couple of weeks, but I just don't know if that is enough, or if it will last. People normally cant change, at least not for long. I was not insulting you yesterday, I was just stating how I thought you were acting and I am not the only one who thinks that. I have a very hard time seeing the two of us together in five years and being happy, it is very hard to imagine that. I really dont know what else to say. I will move out tonight, I do need to know what you will let me borrow until I can afford things of my own. If the apartment is not ready I will rent a room until it is."

Input?

She also has just called and I once again reinforced that if she is willing to work on it, there is another way then to move out. But she just doesn't see that. Says she needs to think. Need space. Feels depressed coming home. Needs to think of herself first. Doesn't believe in a change in me. Feels like if she came home like usual things would be as usual.
In basic terms she isn't forth coming as far as working on it. She even said " I don't want to work on it" and once again she mentioned "A marriage works or it doesn't, it shouldnt need more work put into it". Which, the last part I totally disagree as it seems to me a immature statement to make here.

What u guys think? She won't break off with OM that much is clear so the call still has to be made eventhough its going to cause a massive earthquake. But I said "you threaten me with a lawyer to make it ugly?" she responded "no, i just said one was offered to me at work for this if i need him. and it only has to be ugly if u dont play along"

What she really means "(fogspeak) I know I shouldn't be seeing this guy, but I'm addicted to him. What I really want is to have all my needs met by both of you. But since you don't like that, I need to move out, so I can see you both, and keep my mood swings hidden. This way, I don't have to face reality".

You have a plan.

She doesn't.

Execute your plan.

Print out a copy of the EN's questionairre, and SUGGEST that you each fill it out, so YOU can find out what it is that SHE FEELS you have not been meeting. Don't force the issue.

She really wants to return to you, but she doesn't know how. She needs to know you will be SAFE. Your job is to keep your cool, continue apologizing for your part in the marriage not being happy for both of you, and convincing her you will continue with the changes you've made.

Encourage her to stay. Ask her to give up the OM for the 30 days you asked for on the card. Ask her for NC during that 30 days. Ask her if she'll see a MC with you during that 30 days.

Tell her you know she's in pain, and you are too. Tell her that you will not smother her, and that relationship talks can be scheduled, so it's not "in her face" all the time.

You are doing just fine. Breathe deeply and keep your cool.

SD

Alright I have 2 copies of EN in hand for tonight.
Do I still proceed to call OM? Is that still the step I should take?
I talked to her again and stayed calm and cool and said to please consider the card. I did explain im willing to work on the issues we have but there has to be a sacrifice of the OM in order for us to try to work on this. "I'm moving out tonight no matter what". That kinda left me hanging I suppose.
Now I'm just trying to get ready for Plan B. Can someone link me to a good set of guidlines that I can start with and hand her so I can do that? Because I have some ideas on what needs to be done, but since I horribly screwed Plan A up, I kinda want to be sure that Plan B does not fall flat on its face on me!
Thank you again for the help! I feel like I have a little more control now after that email and the calm conversation we had. Maybe something is happenening?!

I would still call the OM. Let him know your feelings. Keep the apple cart upset for as long as you can.

Do you have the faintest idea how to contact his GF. Do you know where the OM lives?

You could do a (paid) online search on the OM's cell phone number and maybe come up with an address. You will put the most heat on the OM by contacting her and Exposing the A to her, then making the call to the OM.

Contacting her FIRST is ideal!

Go to the search engine here on this site and type in "sample Plan B letters" and see what you get.

Hang in there, man!
SD

Just one I found on a web search... LOL! No guarantees from me, but others have used some of these services.

http://backgroundchecks.articleinsider.com/91461_trace_cell_phone_numbers.html

No one here will recommend you do a face to face confrontation with the OM..... just thought I'd mention that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

SD

I looked into that cellphone stuff. I can search for the address, but that doesn't give me her name or her number. I don't think I'm brave enough at this point to be going over there to find her/him. That much I don't think I can swallow at this point...

I wouldn't recommend that you do a face-to-face.... do it by phone!

SD

Prismx - not much time right now, so just a couple of quick points.

1. Assume the OM does NOT know that your wife is married. It's not uncommon for the WS to lie to everyone, even the OM, in order to maintain her emotional "fix." She may have intimated that she is is single or separated, but it's very possible that the OM doesn't know she really is married and that you really do love your wife and want to work out your recovery.

2. With respect to what to tell the OM. As little as possible. You are after two things and two things only.

a. Pumping HIM for as much information as you can about their relationship, how long, sex, etc.

b. Finding out about HIS relationship with his GF and your wife. Is he a "player" or just some schmuck who thinks it's "okay" to "play around" so long as you are not married?

The only question you really need him to answer is will he break off his adulterous relationship with your wife or not. If not, then you will be exposing THEIR affair to everyone that they might possibly know because you WILL try everything you can to save your marriage and the woman you love.

At the ages you are dealing with, I'd be very surprised if the OM is "wife hunting." With all the single "fish in the sea" he is more likely following the old selfish justification of "if it feels good, do it."

Now, with respect to your wife's threats about divorce. So what? She will drag up everything she can possibly claim is wrong with you and your relationship because she has to "justify" her CHOICE to commit adultery. It's standard WS faire.

If she is moving out and threatening divorce, then tell her simply that you want her, you love her, and you are willing to work on the changes you both need to make. But whatever was "wrong" with you behavior is at least match with her "wrong" choice of adultery.

Prismx, her statements about "how long 5 years" has been is true. She's very young and 5 years is a chronological healthy chunk of her life. Shoot, my wife's affair lasted 6 years, longer than the two of you have been married. Everything she is saying reeks of self-centeredness. However, to be fair, I don't know how YOU have behaved and why she perceives her marriage to you to have been such a mistake.

I CAN tell you that NO marriage "just works on it's own." ALL marriages take work, especially once you both pass the blissful "honeymoon" stage.

So let her rantings go in one ear and out the other. You will hear worse before this is over. It's not fair, but it IS "Affair 101", pure textbook. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you want her to stay and work on you marriage. But, if she chooses to leave, she is on her own until she is ready to decide to work on the problems. Leaving or staying is HER choice, not yours. The conquences of that choice are equally hers, not yours.

Now get busy contacting the OM and ignnoring the ravings of the alien that is inhabiting your wife's body.

God bless.

Hello.
I talked to her about financial matters today. Just getting it all in order before she leaves tonight.

As far as my behavior in the relationship:
I have neglected her too many times. I have let other things come before. I have in noway been a model husband. I know alot is now kicking me in the face as she says them. They are so obvious now to me. But guess what. ITS TOO LATE!
It had to come to this for me to realize my many faults. I can't fix them all, but I can try my hardest to show her that she means so much to me.

So I suppose the call to OM will be tonight. uhhh

The Plan B letter is done. I took those examples posted and made them to my particular life and story. It is a great resource to have and it even brought tears to my eyes typing up some of the nice things we had together. If this gets no reaction as she reads it then im sorry, but I have to say she is heartless.

Talked to her again. She wants one of the DVD player for the apt so she can watch movies. Stupid me agreed because she got agitated. Also said she wants her computer to with her. She thinks she is gona come get it this weekend. How do I react? I plan on being gone and I have all the house keys already now. Do I ignore it? She threatens if I don't play along and make it easy on her she will not uphold her financial obligations and screw me basically.
Also the NO CONTACT is going to be hard since we still have to go get our taxes done together. Arrg. This will be one hard battle to fight.

Well I tried calling OM. But he didn't answer his phone. I guess he was aware this might come. His voicemail sounds like a total goober too so that pisses me off even more. Damn..did I just mess up by doing this and him not answering?

Well she is prolonging it now. I said 6pm and its 6:30pm and she still isnt here to get her stuff.
I'm not sure who will be in more pain...me seeing her go...or her?! Ahhh the drama sux!

Call again, leave a message that's vague but just enough that he knows who you are and what you want: "Hello this is XYZ, ABC's husband. I'd like to talk to you regarding ABC. You can reach me at 555-1234." If he doesn't respond, you tried.

Tonights horrible events:

She came home...an hour later then suppose to. I asked her politely to please read my PLAN B note before she starts packing. She did. It confused her. She didn't believe it. She said she needed time.
So there she goes collecting her stuff to move. Picking it all up and putting it in her car.
The moment the garage door shut...I called Verizon and blocked her phone. Password protected, absolutely no access for her.
She calls 10mins down the road from a payphone screaming, pleading, crying to turn her phone back on. I say no. I said "I will no longer support you talking to your boyfriend on my phone, using my minutes, hurting my feelings."
She freaked out more, in tears now screaming at me how she cant talk to anyone, cant get in touch. I said "you have a phone, its right here at home".
She hung up.
Calls me back from the apt. Regained her strength. Makes demands on how she paid bills for me, how she was paying the cellphone and for me to immediatly turn it back on. I refused and said "you have a phone, you are calling me from it". ahh crap here it goes...i wont answer.
Anyway, thats tonights happenings. Sux!

Rock bottom...

I'm an emotional wreck. I'm destroyed beyond recognition and I just can't see the light.
Here is what happened:

She moved out. Canceled her phone. Turns out she reactivated it. I got in a huge fight with Verizon over this and I will cause even more issues for them tomorrow. I was at friends house and came home. I hit the bottom of the pit. I mean I just blew up like a little child that lost his favorite toy. Lets leave it at that.
Anyway, thru all this the phone keeps ringing. Its her. I cant answer...I cant answer...DAMMIT! I pick up the phone. I explain her phone being cut off was not to hurt her it was to stop her contact with OM. She thinks it was out of spite. Says she was very unhappy with me, speaks on how she left everything tonight because of it. Well, she didnt leave because of that, she left because she picked lover boy over me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . anyway, she then goes into a full blown panic attack. Says she has to go, i wont let her. She was breathing insanely, crying, screaming, just seeing her life end I suppose. I'm being supportive...i mean I love her. I really do. I was soooo close to just get in my car, drive there and check on her and get her some water. I didn't. But my heart was just breaking to hear this. It hurt so much. I feel like maybe I am just a bad person. Maybe I didn't give her enough love and attention. Maybe the root of all evil isnt OM, but maybe its me and my neglect of all the things she said she hated. Is this maybe the best? Am I really the most horrible person anyone could deal with? I'm confused. I'm almost at the point as saying "I AM THE REASON! IAM A BAD PERSON! I DESERVE THE MISERY IM IN!" But I know its not her talking...she isn't the person she once was. My friends tell me, you tell me, everyone does. But I hear the words and they eat me alive. How do I get this strength ppl speak of to just take them as words that they are and see past them. The blame is almost unbearable now. She is right...she isnt. She is playing me...im a bad person. Lets face it. She is left with NOTHING right now. She has NOTHING where she is. Except HIM to call as she pleases. Which she did since she pointed out that she knows I called and he didn't answer. I don't know what...I just want to sleep and not wake up for a while...get past this nightmare...Im too tired to fight on...maybe I just don't have it in me to keep going...

First, slow down.

Plan B means no contact. It is to protect you from her "playing you". It is to protect you from EXACTLY what you are going through right now, because you care about her. If you are Plan B, don't answer the phone when she calls. If that means getting caller ID, get caller ID. However, you are not in Plan B, because you have not prepared for Plan B. You can't do Plan B when you are still in contact, and right now there are things you HAVE to have contact about, like your financial arrangements, which have not yet been separated. No wonder she is confused. she is in an affair, and most people in affairs are confused anyway, but you are making it worse by sending her conflicting messages. Figure out what you want to do, and then do it. Don't react to her. You have got to be somewhat detached in order to do this. Right now you are letting her actions control your mood.

I know it is frightfully difficult to avoid that, but you have to find a way. That is why I suggested you pray. God can give you that power that you can't find in yourself right now.

Look, Plan A and Plan B work, but only if you do them. To do them, first you must understand them. Slow down, take some deep breaths, and do whatever it takes to clear your head. Vigorous exercise is one good solution.

Get the help of a competent marriage counselor. You need it.

Stop trying to control her. She can get a cell phone if she wants, but you don't have to pay for it. If she justifies your paying for her cell phone with "but I am paying for 'X' ", then you have not sufficiently separated your finances for Plan B, I think. But, I am not an expert on Plan B. I never had to do it. If you refuse to see a counselor, check out Mortarman's posts. Spend a couple of days reading them, and ask him some questions. Then decide what you are going to do, and do it no matter how she reacts. That is possible if your plan does not involve controling her, and impossible if you are trying to control her - which is one way to find out if you are on the right track.

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 12:11 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel like maybe I am just a bad person. Maybe I didn't give her enough love and attention. Maybe the root of all evil isnt OM, but maybe its me and my neglect of all the things she said she hated. Is this maybe the best? Am I really the most horrible person anyone could deal with? I'm confused. I'm almost at the point as saying "I AM THE REASON! IAM A BAD PERSON! I DESERVE THE MISERY IM IN!" </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Prismx - I know it sounds a little trite right now, but you have to calm down. Right now you flooded with emotions and are reacting as most of us BS's have reacted. If you need to, and you probably will, see your Doctor for an anti-anxiety medication. The purpose of the med is reduce the extremes of the emotions and let you THINK CLEARLY and RATIONALLY.

Now, this self recrimination is something that we all accuse ourselves of, "IF only we were 'better' none of this would be happening!"

Prismx, that is NOT true. Yes, there is no doubt that spouses are often taken for granted, especially by men. But ADULTERY is 100% the CHOICE of the Wayward Spouse. MANY BS's have been equally neglected but did NOT choose adultery as the "way" to deal with feelings of neglect.

The problem, prismx, is your wife's childlike idea that marriage is supposed to "just happen" as in some fairytale. Fairytales only exist in books, not in real life. In real life, people learn to SERVE each other, thereby strengthening their marriage. When one, or both, marriage partners begins to put themselves first, that's when the problems start.

I would talk with you about the help you can receive through Christ, but you have stated that faith does not play a part in your life. So, let's talk about some cold hard facts.

1. Your wife will continue to try to "blame you" for HER actions. You are vulnerable to such attacks because you love her. The TRUTH is that unless you were some violent monster, HER decision to commit adultery is TOTALLY, 100%, HER decision.

2. Your wife is behaving and talking in TYPICAL Wayward Spouse ways. She has to try to put the "blame" for her choice to commit adultery on you because EVERYONE knows that adultery is wrong, and after all, she's such a "good and perfect" little girl that she'd never do anything so wrong as to be and adulteress.

3. MOST affairs die naturally once they are exposed. The reason is simple, affairs cannot survive in daylight. They need secrecy and darkness to hide and grow unseen. Once exposed, they have to deal with the fact that what they are doing is wrong and HURTS everyone around them. They have to begin to rely on each other to get ALL of their needs met.

In other words, they can no longer live in a fantasy construct. They have to begin to deal with all the "warts" of a real person and a real relationship. Most affairs DIE within 6 months of exposure. I know that sounds like "forever" right now, but trust me, your wife's affair will begin to rapidly destablize once it becomes known to others.

Since your wife has chosen to move out, and is planning to divorce you IF you talk to the OM, then calmly tell her that you ARE going to talk to the OM because you love her and you WILL be talking with both you parents and your wife's parents to let them know that she is leaving you because she is having an affair. You don't have to really tell them, right now, but she needs to HEAR that her choices can no longer be kept a secret.

Let's face it, if your marriage WERE to move to divorce, everyone would know the reason anyway.

So for the next week, I'd like you to simply take it "one day at a time." Continue to work on the changes that you need to make in yourself. ELIMINATE all Love Busters.

READ. Use this time to gather as much information about affairs as you can.

Check out WAT's quickstart guide for betrayed spouses. Here's the link to his thread:
WAT's Quickstart Guide for Betrayed Spouses

Exercise and eat. It is very common during this highly stressed emotional time that you will lose your appetite and "wallow" in the pain. Excercise will help, as will eating. Force yourself if you need to, but do it.

Prismx, it IS hard. We know that. But we also know that it's NOT fatal. Hurts like hell, but it's not fatal and you DO have many options.

This is the beginning, so lean on MB for support. Lean on MB to just vent your feelings. No one here is going to think less of you, so put any fear you might have of "what will people think of me" away. We KNOW what the "nuclear bomb" of betrayal feels like and we know what it does to you mind while you are reeling from the initial explosion. You feel ripped and torn in a million pieces.

So the best advice I can give you for right now is simple to state, harder for you to do.

When your emotions scream at you to "Fight back," to "yell, scream, attack, etc." ...fight that feeling. Put a response on hold until you can calm down and make a RATIONAL decision about how you want to respond.

Your "by word" needs to be PATIENCE. You need to KNOW that it will take time and that you are committed to taking the time needed to end the affair and begin the recovery process.

Work on those "plan A" changes that are important. Make a "new you" permanent.

God bless.

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 01:00 AM: Message edited by: ForeverHers ]</small>

You are getting a lot of very good advice here. Please listen and follow it.

You have got to control yourself. I know its hard, I have been in your shoes and know more about how you are feeling and behaving than I like to admit.


Definitely get started on some medication. If you want to go more natural, there is a product called SAM-e which is available over the counter at drug stores and GNC. I can tell you it works as I used it and still use it.

Have faith in the plan A/B program and practice it. It works, believe me it works.

Vaya con dios.
GVS

There she goes starting to destroy it all.
Just got this email:

"Since you find it so necessary to cancel my cell phone I am going to have to find to necessary to cancel your health insurance that you have with me...tell me what you think?"

I guess I'll have to go get my insurance on that through my work. I had it running over her cause it was cheaper and better plan.

I have a current medical condition with my knee, so this really hurts me pretty bad as far as medication and doctor visits go. How can someone be so cold? This isnt emtional, this is a physical problem!

This was one of the hardest nights of my life. I feel so along, I miss her so much, and in return I get an email like this. I have never seen her as the enemy. She was always the only person I trusted 100%. To have her as the enemy is so hard!

I didn't want to go to plan B. I had no choice. She was in control of the matter and wanted out. So yes, I did cut off the phone. Why pay for her affair anylonger? I'm already stuck with $600 worth a phone bill because of her talking to him. I don't want to pay it anymore!